His is in LOVE with her but wants to be intimate with me??

[TeacupMovinON]

I need some help! I let everything he does weigh on me...I just don't understand him.

 

We dated for close to two years. I am 27 he is 40. We loved each other a lot, I helped with his 3 children and fell in love with them too. We had our problems though- him having a hard time making appropriate boundaries with the ex wife and other things.

 

I finally got fed up and broke up with him (we had both broken up with each other before). This time was different. He had a new girl after 2 days! We were in a serious relationship and he moved on that fast!

 

He would still call and say he loved me and missed me. That his new GF was more of a friend and that she was not pretty or good in bed. I did not condone any of the terrible things he was saying about her but I still loved the man and would listen to anything he had to say. A couple of times he pushed boundaries and I let it get intimate but not for over a month now.

 

Now he is in "love" with her, takes her out of town, brings her to our common work environment, posts pictures of her in his work space (where I work too). It hurts but I am learning to cope. I want him to be happy. But here is the kicker, just a day after he tells me that he loves her, he calls me to tell me he misses me and that he would like to pay me a visit (If you know what I mean!). I said absolutely not, that I am pulling for his new relationship to work out and that I am not interested in him anymore.

 

Since this is a man that I do truly love. This hurts me and is confusing! I know it is obvious that he wants some action from me- for lack of a better term- but does he love her? Could he be so happy and in love and still tell me he loves me like he does? He calls often but he does not want to be with me...

 

Can someone help me?

[scootncash]

Hi,'

 

Sorry to hear your in so much pain. The problem is he really doesnt love either of you. He doesnt respect you or her, or even himself. She is definitely a rebound realtionship but that doesnt make it better for you.

 

What he is doing to you and what your allowing is manipulation. He probably tells her he loves her and yet he doesnt let her know that you two have slept together, or that he misses you. Classic text book example. Your allowing him to manipulate him. You listen to what he says not what he does. You want so desperately to believe him. But its not in his words its in his actions.

 

Step back and take the emotional part out of it. Love isnt a feeling its a decision. Love is the decision to care about someone, to honor their feelings, to treat them with respect, its a committment to write them into your future. The feelings are just the emotions and euphoria that come along with love.

 

Really look at what he's doing. Dont call him, dont see him, although I know thats hard because you obviously work with him, but dont see him in the sense of an emotional intimate get together. Dont wait for him, Dont hope you can get him to see you alone. In other words, dont allow yourself to twist your life around an attempt to get his attention. Its degrading, its self destructive, and its a no win situation.

 

The bottom line is this...I know its hard to let go of the dreams and the future you had for this relationship. Ive been there so yes I do know how you feel and what your going thru. The problem with letting go of someone so unhealthy for you is FEAR & DENIIAL. Dont avoid facing the truth of the situation that needs to be faced for a happy healthy life.

 

He may very well have some good qualities but the bad qualities, the very ones that are using, manipulating, and destroying you are what does not make a relationship work with this man. Thats great he has some good traits but he isnt stable he isnt able to give you the love and relationship you deserve, so what good he has to offer is actually useless.

 

Do you want to stay unhealthy, used, lied to, and the real possibility of contracting an STD that isnt cureable? I dont mean to sound harsh but your in a very dangerous situation. Is this how you want to have a relationship? Is this the relationship you dreamed of having with him? I doubt it.

 

Take some time for you. If he speaks to you at work, reply nicely. Dont discuss you, dont tell him you've changed, dont try to convince him. Dont be a doormat for him. I dont care how cute, how sexy, how much money he makes, how much you love his children. He does not treat you with respect. He does not care enough for you to consider your own well being.

 

Go work on you. Start pulling your life together. Ask friends and family to keep you busy. Find your own identity. Learn to love you! Learn to respect you. Find your own boundries of whats exceptable and whats not and stick to them.

 

The bad news for your situation is the longer you stay invloved, the deeper you will get, and the worse you will hurt while on the road to self destruction. And that it hurts for a while. The good news is your now free do go do something healthy, work on you, and find someone who can truly love you and respect you.

 

I wish you the best. Take it an eyelash at a time.

 

Scootncash