herenow Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 I have noticed that since my H and I have moved past his infidelity, he has been more open about his feelings. We all (BW/BH) talk about complete honesty about the affair, but I have found that he is also much more open about everything else as well. Things that he used to feel were unimportant to discuss, he now brings up. I know more about him than I ever did before. And I'm talking good things. He used to be very internal about his emotions, now he has opened up. It's been great. Not only for me, but for our kids. Even the people at work have mentioned what a great guy he is to work for. He has made an effort to be honest in all areas of his life. By doing that, even his clients (my H started a new business) think is refreshing to work with someone they can trust. Owning up to mistakes and taking responsibility for ones actions truly help every aspect of life. I was just wondering if any other BS that have reconciled have experienced this.
Snowflower Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 My husband and I are not as far along in the recovery process as you, herenow but I get what you are saying. My husband and I can talk about everything, even very difficult subjects surrounding his A with honesty and without fear of some sort of backlash from either of us. After we recommitted to our marriage, my H absolutely put everything he has into our marriage. He is completely open and honest. Not that he wasn't honest before but he was never this open with me...even early in our relationship/marriage. It made it a lot easier for me to trust him and recover our marriage with him. I believe this whole awful ordeal made my H a better person overall. He is much happier, at peace with himself and calm. And while he was always essentially an honest person, he is completely honest and open with me and others now. In his line of work, honesty is essential and I think my husband's new found approachability and honest demeanor is helping him professionally. If something good is to come out of a bad situation, this is it. My husband has turned into an even more caring, wonderful person. I'm glad I made the decision to give him another chance.
SidLyon Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 We are only 6 months out from D-day. My H was never in much doubt that he wanted to stay married; I too wanted that but nevertheless it was a very difficult decision to make given I had been so badly deceived and manipulated. H has always been a secretive and self-contained man - rarely overtly affectionate; but never violent or aggressive. He has always had a problem with honesty; never to bignote himself but as a way of avoiding conflict or having to be assertive. This characteristic was something that facilitated his A because he is good at it and I had come to expect that he was never entirely open and honest even with trivial matters. An amusing example is that our cars are in joint names but the statements including traffic fines all go to him. In the course of going through his accounts and receipts, post A, I discovered numerous parking and traffic infringements that he had paid over the years (pre and during the A) without telling me. To my horror when cross checking against my own diaries I discovered that many of them were actually mine and that he had just paid them believing they were his and not wanting to get into an argument with me about his speeding and parking in the wrong place. My H is a highly intelligent man and D-day served as a real wake up call to him that his actions might cause the loss of me, his stable family life, his marriage and that his relationship with his children could be changed for the worse. It's clear to me that he's for the first time recognised the impact of his lifelong patterns of minor (and more major in relation to the A) dishonesty; and is going all out to change them. He has seen a psychologist who is helping with him being more honest and quite apart from that is making a big effort to be open with me about everything. It is a real revelation to me as I'm seeing a side of him that I wasn't sure existed any more. It is a good side of him to see. So in answer to your question yes this is happening to us as well and my hope is that it will continue. S
White Flower Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 Herenow, I just wanted to say how happy I am for you. When people, especially men it seems, are allowed to open up in a safe environment (by safe I mean not being judged) they open up about everything. Enjoy it!
HappyAgain Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 I just want to say that you are one lucky woman. My XH cheated and I tried to forgive him but he never changed. In fact he became even more bottled up and secretive than he was before the affair and we went through MC. I hope for you that you guys can make it work.
angie2443 Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 When people, especially men it seems, are allowed to open up in a safe environment (by safe I mean not being judged) they open up about everything. Enjoy it! Many people do open up, not everyone though. Some people stay closed up. It's just in their nature. herenow, I'm happy that you and your husband have been able to move foreward. It's nice to here a positive story on these boards:).
NoIDidn't Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 I can't say that my H is completely open since his EA several years ago. But he doesn't bottle things up like he used to, even if he can't find the exact words to express his feelings, he tries. He definitely owns up to his part in things now without shutting down like he used to. I was ready to leave over that part alone. His culture just doesn't allow men any meaningful emotional expression with their spouses (unless its sexual), so its like a country-wide joke about their (supposed and supposed to be accepted) inability to be faithful. We are doing really well in the communication department, even when it seems like it might be embarassing or hurtful to be really honest. But its still a work in progress. Some things are just too difficult to talk about.
Trialbyfire Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 I'm happy for you herenow. Not too many can say they recover from infidelity. While my ex-H and I aren't together anymore, he's greatly benefitted from going to therapy. It's made him a better person all around, one who's working hard to offset his NPD. He even phoned me not too long ago, to congratulate me on my engagement. I was shocked and touched.
anne1707 Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 Since my H has known about the affair I had, I have tried so hard to be completely honest and open with him. As he has given me the chance to still be with him, which has taken more strength and love than I can begin to imagine, then it does not feel as if it is much to ask from me. I am a very lucky woman. The weight of all those lies have been lifted from both our shoulders so now we can enjoy being together again.
datura_noir Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 My husband is very uncomfortable displaying emotion; he was raised in a large family with alot of issues. I worry about him because he keeps it all in. I know he makes attempts to compensate by doing things for me, that is his way of expression. He does open up alot when we drink, though.... He's lucky I know him so well!
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