Ayla Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 I do not understand what is wrong with me!!! 3 days ago I thought I was doing really well. Admitedly still very hurt and missing so much, but I was ok. It has been 6 weeks since we broke up, 5.5 weeks since I last spoke to him and nearly 3 weeks since I sent him a message (the last of only 3 times). I posted on here 3 days ago how well I was doing-how wrong was I!!!! Since then I have been a bit of a mess. I have had nightmares both nights, I can not stop thinking about him-it is currently 2am and I can't sleep. I have been keeping myself as busy as possible, hanging around friends and family most if the time. But I keep slipping as soon as I am alone. I am also seeing a counsellor-who thinks I am thinking very rationally and in her professional opinion agrees that he is a text book commitment phobe. Which is great-but I am feeling so empty at the moment. I know he is hiding too. He is working late every night and if he is not at work he is drinking. Avoiding spending time in the place we lived. I have been doing NC and like mentioned above only contacted him 3 times since leaving. 1 email (very short), a letter and a message. Why am I relapsing? Why am I missing him so much? I wish someone could take this pain away....
Nikki Sahagin Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 Its only natural to go back on yourself sometimes. Kinda like 2 steps forward, 1 step back, 5 steps fowards, 1 step back. I think its because it hits you in waves. It hits once and you come to terms with it, then it hits again etc...its an ongoing process. Its a very hard thing to have to accept and swallow so naturally sometimes it will come back up. I think its the hardest thing in life to experience; heartbreak. It cant heal like a physical wound. Its emotional/mental - its an inside wound. You are doing BRILLIANTLY. Be proud of how well you've coped and be kind to yourself if you slide backwards a little. Its kind of like climbing a mountain. You can climb halfway to the top no problem, and struggle at the peak.
scootncash Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 Hi Ayla, Sorry to hear your not doing well right now. Slipping is part of the healing. Losing someone you love is tough period. Its not like a water faucet that you can instantly turn off. What your doing is working through breakup. Its normal. We all want them back and its not an easy road. Its hard to let go. Its not how we envisioned the relationship. This wasnt the expected outcome. What your doing right now is normal and somewhat expected. You just have to keep busy when your alone. Find something to focus on besides him. Paint, draw, read books, gardening, anything that you like. Just keep the focus on something else, like maybe YOU! Just take it an eyelash at a time. Great to hear your seeing a counsler. Your doing good and you will make it! Take care, scootncash
Author Ayla Posted May 9, 2009 Author Posted May 9, 2009 Thanks for your kind words, I am trying to stay busy -focus on me, getting a job, finding a home etc. I do feel like I am drowning at the moment. Although he has not contacted me, I know it is not because he doesn't care, but because he can notface his actions or emotions. But I would love to hear from him. Worst of all ylis I know he will regret his decision. I am very ready and emotional at the moment, and it is s***ing me. I miss my home, I miss my bed, I miss my friends, I miss the country I lived in and most of all. I miss him. I can't wait fir this nightmare is over.
webmuse Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 Ayla my heart goes out to you..your position is tough! But just think of the strong & healthy person you are going to be when you've made it to the other side?.. and you WILL make it!
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