A question for mothers involved in polyamorous relationships or participat threesomes

[delnoire]

For all of you moms out there who fit the title of this thread, here's my problem. I am a single dad, my daughter is nine, and she stays about 40 percent of the time with me, and sixty percent of the time with her mom. I would say my daughter and I have a great relationship. She always looks forward to my half of the week with her, and we always have lots to say to each other.

My ex and I don't get along and usually aren't on speaking terms, but thats neither here nor there. What's really eating me away, is that she has been involved in a polyamorous relationship for the last eight years. At first her and her boyfriend were simply in an open relationship, and they had other girls join them in the bedroom pretty often. I know its none of my business, but my ex didn't make any effort to hide it, so naturally I found out. This drove me crazy. While my ex and I were together I had always wanted a threesome with two girls and myself, yet it never materialized. It wasn't something that caused any abnormal amount of tension in our relationship, yet it always bothered me, because I knew my ex was very bisexual and that she would be up for it if we found another girl willing.

So anyways, it just drove me crazy. And about five years ago, my ex and her bf offiically transformed into a triad with another single mother. The new woman moved in with them, along with her two daughters, and they have all been livinig together as a household since then.

Of course this drove me even crazier. So now my ex's boyfriend was getting great threesome sex probably every single night. What else could a guy ask for then being in the middle of a girl sandwhich every night of the week.

And what's worse, they still invite girls into the bedroom, so sometimes he gets to have three girls to himself at once. And I've seen my ex's girlfriends, they are usually very attractive.

I know its irrational for me to be so hung up on the sex life of my ex and her relationship with her partners, but I can't help it. And just for the record, I don't find anything morally wrong with polyamrous relationships, in fact I would totally be in one if I could. I guess I am just a little bit jealous that my ex's ******* boyfriend gets to have all that great action so much.

And my real problem is that I am afraid that as my daughter gets older, she will realize that hey, her step-dad gets all the girls, maybe he's more of a man than her real father, and then she'll want him and think of him more as a father than me. I'm afraid when she grows up, she'll look for guys like her step-dad, and be repulsed by guys like me, because I don't have some kind of harem at home. I know that my ex, her boyfriend and her girlfriend all sleep in the same bed, and my daughter sees that. I don't think its bad for her to be exposed to alternative lifestyles so when she tells me how mommy was laying in bed with another girl and a guy, I am jelous but not scandalized. She has even seen it when it was my ex, her bf, her gf and another girl in bed together, the morning after I presume.

But going back to my fears.

I know she calls him daddy when she is at their house, though she always refers to him by his first name, when I am present. For a long time this really bothered me, and made me insecure, as I am her father not him, but now I just accept it. Afterall, he has been with her mother since she was about one, so as far as she knows, he has always been there.

So mothers who are in this sort of situation, are my fears rational? Should I be worrying? And how do I stop being so hung up about it?

[2sure]

You should be completely concerned for your daughter and what kind of impact this will have on her future regarding expectations of relationships, promiscuity, etc.

 

But your not . What concerns you is that you are jealous of your ex wife boyfriend and you are concerned your daughter will see him as more of a man than you because he has "more women".

 

If your ex is truly in a poly relationship - as in a FAMILY..I would want to know how they are dealing with the conflict the children will have regarding their home life and family type vs the traditional that everyone else has. Certainly, to some degree, this can be done - but as a non custodial parent - you want to know the details.

 

You want to be careful with this: IF You are OK with the poly lifestyle as per your post. Yet, you dont seem to understand that in a family situation this should have very little to do with the sexual aspect. You are focusing on that alone. Dont let your perception, and jealousy because of it cause YOU to project onto your daughter.

 

I am bi - but do not agree with the poly lifestyle. Still , I respect others choices. What concerns me is that your ex's poly family is still inviting other sexual partners into the home - if your daughter is aware of this....thats negligence.

[GorillaTheater]

I'm a bit "traditional" as far as these things go, so maybe that explains why this story struck me as sufficiently odd to look at your prior posts. Back in October, you stated that you were 26 and your daughter was 6. About a year ago you stated that you had two daughters aged 7 and 11.

 

Got to ask man: were you lying then or are you lying now?

[GorillaTheater]

About a year ago you stated that you had two daughters aged 7 and 11.

 

Oh yeah, when you said that (March of last year), you said you were 30.

 

So what's the story? I suspect it goes beyond mere trolling.

[delnoire]

I am 27, I was 26 when I made that post, and I do have a daughter who is 6, but by another woman. Sometimes I skew ages on here in minor ways because gosh, its the internet and its not a court of law. My daughter is 9 not eleven, but in the old post you are speaking of, age must not have been very important so I said 11. If age is particularly important considering the subject, I will be specific.

What's with you anyways, does it make you feel big to try and make someone look foolish? Jerk.

If you look at my many other posts, you will find them all very consistent with my current thread.

 

so go away, shoo little person.

[GorillaTheater]

Okay, three posts in a row, but I had to cut the last one short because of a phone call.

 

Here's what I'm getting at: I don't think you're a mere troll. I think you have some serious issues and if so, congrats, you're in the right place. But if you want help, you've got to be straight.

 

I've got to admit though, here recently I don't think my sense of intuition is worth sh*t.

[GorillaTheater]

I am 27, I was 26 when I made that post, and I do have a daughter who is 6, but by another woman. Sometimes I skew ages on here in minor ways because gosh, its the internet and its not a court of law. My daughter is 9 not eleven, but in the old post you are speaking of, age must not have been very important so I said 11. If age is particularly important considering the subject, I will be specific.

What's with you anyways, does it make you feel big to try and make someone look foolish? Jerk.

If you look at my many other posts, you will find them all very consistent with my current thread.

 

so go away, shoo little person.

 

Okay, my bad. Good luck.

[2sure]

No - thats not it. You just have to understand that some of us take the time to try to be empathetic and give thoughtful answers. And many posters are trolls so thats a real a waste of time - I'm sure you can understand. Often, before I take the time to answer someone seriously, I take a look at their previous posts - to see where they are coming from , if they are serious, and if they are a troll. When I see inconsistencies - its a flag. However, I myself am often vague in my posts regarding details that are unimportant.

[delnoire]

Okay, so now that we all seem to be on the same page, I want to say that Im glad you replied in this thread 2sure, because I had you particularly in mind for advice. I'm much more of a reader than a poster on this board, and you post alot, so I know a bit about your 'life', or that of it that you post about. I know you and your husband have other women in the bedroom, and that you're a single mother. So you are in the best position to give advice. Does your daughter's father know and if he does, does he get jealous?

Also, I know my daughter doesn't see the sexual aspect of her mother's polyamorous relationship YET, but she's getting older and one day its going to occur to her that her stepdad is banging two chicks at once (sometimes more) and I'm afraid she'll begin to respect him more. Its the whole natural selection thing ,where females are unconcsiously drawn to more potent males. I'm probably just paranoid.

As for my ex's poly relationship. It is a real one, not just a sexual one. They are fully functioning family unit. My daughter does seem to be aware that they bring other women into their bedroom occasionally. She is an early riser and they are apparently late sleepers so that she sees who slept over that night when she goes into their bedroom to ask a question etc..

So 2sure (or anybody else) any suggestions on getting over this stupid obessesion and paranoia of mine?

[sabrina11]

This post has got to be a joke, right?

[sb129]

You should be completely concerned for your daughter and what kind of impact this will have on her future regarding expectations of relationships, promiscuity, etc.

 

But your not . What concerns you is that you are jealous of your ex wife boyfriend and you are concerned your daughter will see him as more of a man than you because he has "more women". .

.

 

This is what struck me as odd too. Personally I would be very concerned about whether this arrangement was healthy and happy for my children to be in. Each to their own and all that, but I think 9 is a little young to be exposed to that kind of stuff myself.

 

You threw "mothers" in there in the thread title but its not really about your concerns about your ex's role as a mother.

 

It reads more that you are worried about how YOU will look as a father if this stuff carries on. Which is kind strange really, seeing as you are the one who is more " normal".

[delnoire]

You're right, this thread never was at all about the role of my ex as a mother to our daughter. I apologize if I gave that impression.

The reason I was addressing mothers in the title, specifically mothers who are in that particular type of relationship, is because I wanted some feedback on how their ex's handle them being a polyamorous relationship. I guess I was just wondering if it was normal that I was jealous, if I was the only single father out there who notices and is affected by this circumstance.

As many differences as we have, my ex is a good mother, and as much as I dislike her boyfriend, he's a good step-father, and even my daughters other 'mother' is a good, loving person to have in her life. I've got no beef with the situation. I just wanted some honest feedback and advice from people who might be in a similar situation.

Also, we live in a very progressive, liberal college town. So 'normal' is a very subjective word around here. My ex and her household don't go around advertising they are polyamorous, but they don't hide it and are honest and up front with people. But the people around here, mostly either hippies or eccentric academics, don't consider their relationship 'abnormal' at all, and so far they have never been hassled by the school or the public at large.

So mothers in a similar situation, do your ex's tend toget jealous of your polyamorous relationships? Does it make them insecure about their own role as a father?

[Kamille]

It sounds like you're letting your jealousy overshadow the caring feelings you should have for your daughter. Like 2sure pointed out, you're putting yourself first, worried about her perception of your manlihood, instead of engaging her on her perceptions of love and relationships.

 

It's ok to be jealous of your ex's boyfriends and envy his situation, but you should separate that feeling from your daughter. Recognize that this is jealousy on your part, and not genuine concern for her well-being. You're her father, he cannot steal her away from you.

 

She will construct her own ideas about masculinity. If I were involved, I would want her to know there are different ways men are masculine, a lot of which has very little to do with sexuality, and more to do with how they take responsibility, care and love for the people in their lives.

 

Basically, what kind of man would you want your daughter to love? Make this about her, not about you.

[Stung]

any suggestions on getting over this stupid obessesion and paranoia of mine?

 

yes.

 

seek therapy, because you are doing some seriously weird projecting onto your daughter. like, really, very weird projecting.

 

move on. it's easy to get obsessed over an ex if you're not finding happiness elsewhere, but this keeps you from your own growth, and from cultivating your own life. if you're so interested in the poly lifestyle, try joining a poly dating site, or something. get out and meet some women of your own, and you'll stop fantasizing about your ex's women so much.

 

and talk to your ex about having a little discretion, for fuxsake. who she invites into her bedroom is her business and more power to her for having a good time, but i totally agree with previous posters, your kid is being overexposed.

[2sure]

The thing is there are worlds of difference between my H and I having 3somes with other women and an actual polymorous relationship you describe your ex as being in. Thats a Life Style, not just sex.

 

Threesomes for us, are not part of our life style, just something we do for fun, together, on occasion. These friends do not meet my daughter, or if they ever have - certainly have not spent the night or been in the bedroom in her presence.

 

As to my Ex, my daughter's father. What I do, what my H and I do, in OUR bedroom is absolutely none of his business. So much so that I'm sure he doesnt ever think about it or wonder about it.

 

In other words: A child and a parents sex life HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON, NO MUTUAL GROUND, in my book.

 

Kids of any age dont even want to know their parents have ever even had sex. If this knowledge is being rubbed in their faces, its WRONG.

[Lizzie60]

I didn't read all the thread.. but from your original post.. you are jealous of your ex because his bf and her gets all the fun sex.. and you didn't... and you're jealous because your daughter calls your ex' bf 'dad'...

 

I mean.. seriously... you need some kind of help. you're not even concerned about the lifestyle your daughter is raised into... but about her calling this bf 'dad'... geezzz.... and all the fun sex you missed while you were married to your ex.. WOW.. just WOW.

[JeezLouise]

I didn't read all the thread.. but from your original post.. you are jealous of your ex because his bf and her gets all the fun sex.. and you didn't... and you're jealous because your daughter calls your ex' bf 'dad'...

 

I mean.. seriously... you need some kind of help. you're not even concerned about the lifestyle your daughter is raised into... but about her calling this bf 'dad'... geezzz.... and all the fun sex you missed while you were married to your ex.. WOW.. just WOW.

 

Yep. WOW is right.

[Stung]

The thing is there are worlds of difference between having 3somes with other women and an actual polymorous relationship you describe your ex as being in. Thats a Life Style, not just sex.

.

 

 

agreed. it sounds like your wife has set up a serious polyamorous triad, like a three-way-marriage, which is about commitment and communication like any other marriage, and they have sexual three- or more-somes in addition to this, which are a different thing.

 

you are totally focused on just the sex part and obsessively jealous because you see this guy as having a 'harem' rather than seeing the other women as equal partners...you seem to want to be some kind of stud rather than a husband twice over.

 

therefore i amend my previous advice: don't look into a poly dating site, you're not really poly, you're just horny and have standard threesome fantasies. look into a swingers website instead if you need to sow some wild oats. the internet is full of them.

 

but still, seek counseling on the, to be polite, warped way you view your daughter's thinking.

 

and remember to wear a condom. good luck.

[SummerLady]

For all of you moms out there who fit the title of this thread, here's my problem. I am a single dad, my daughter is nine, and she stays about 40 percent of the time with me, and sixty percent of the time with her mom. I would say my daughter and I have a great relationship. She always looks forward to my half of the week with her, and we always have lots to say to each other.

My ex and I don't get along and usually aren't on speaking terms, but thats neither here nor there. What's really eating me away, is that she has been involved in a polyamorous relationship for the last eight years. At first her and her boyfriend were simply in an open relationship, and they had other girls join them in the bedroom pretty often. I know its none of my business, but my ex didn't make any effort to hide it, so naturally I found out. This drove me crazy. While my ex and I were together I had always wanted a threesome with two girls and myself, yet it never materialized. It wasn't something that caused any abnormal amount of tension in our relationship, yet it always bothered me, because I knew my ex was very bisexual and that she would be up for it if we found another girl willing.

So anyways, it just drove me crazy. And about five years ago, my ex and her bf offiically transformed into a triad with another single mother. The new woman moved in with them, along with her two daughters, and they have all been livinig together as a household since then.

Of course this drove me even crazier. So now my ex's boyfriend was getting great threesome sex probably every single night. What else could a guy ask for then being in the middle of a girl sandwhich every night of the week.

And what's worse, they still invite girls into the bedroom, so sometimes he gets to have three girls to himself at once. And I've seen my ex's girlfriends, they are usually very attractive.

I know its irrational for me to be so hung up on the sex life of my ex and her relationship with her partners, but I can't help it. And just for the record, I don't find anything morally wrong with polyamrous relationships, in fact I would totally be in one if I could. I guess I am just a little bit jealous that my ex's ******* boyfriend gets to have all that great action so much.

And my real problem is that I am afraid that as my daughter gets older, she will realize that hey, her step-dad gets all the girls, maybe he's more of a man than her real father, and then she'll want him and think of him more as a father than me. I'm afraid when she grows up, she'll look for guys like her step-dad, and be repulsed by guys like me, because I don't have some kind of harem at home. I know that my ex, her boyfriend and her girlfriend all sleep in the same bed, and my daughter sees that. I don't think its bad for her to be exposed to alternative lifestyles so when she tells me how mommy was laying in bed with another girl and a guy, I am jelous but not scandalized. She has even seen it when it was my ex, her bf, her gf and another girl in bed together, the morning after I presume.

But going back to my fears.

I know she calls him daddy when she is at their house, though she always refers to him by his first name, when I am present. For a long time this really bothered me, and made me insecure, as I am her father not him, but now I just accept it. Afterall, he has been with her mother since she was about one, so as far as she knows, he has always been there.

So mothers who are in this sort of situation, are my fears rational? Should I be worrying? And how do I stop being so hung up about it?

 

I don't mean to seem insensitive but really you are WACKED!!! Seriously.. Your concerns are beyond ridiculous and you seem off your F rocker! Your poor daughter.......

[sxyNYCcpl]

What can I say that hasn't already been said. My wife and I are swingers, so we can relate to that aspect. However, we do not have a poly relationship, and while I have no philosophical objection to the concept if it ever happens, we are not actively seeking it out.

 

That said, you need to spend less time being jealous of your ex's new man, and by extension wishing you were in his shoes and more time worrying about your daughter. My W's son has never been exposed to our sexual proclivities and though he has met some of our playmates, from his vantage point they are no different than any other adult friends. I am not necessarily opposed to informing older or adult children to a limited extent that their parents live life a little differently, but IMO, and in my experience most swingers feel the same way, it's not something youngin's need to be exposed to at all.

 

Stop thinking with your dick and take care of your responsibilities to your daughter.

[Eve]

Poor child.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[Mycroft]

I'm not one to jump on the bash the OP bandwagon, but I have to wonder, where did you get this information? If your prying it out of your 9 year old then you are making this even worse.....

[delnoire]

wow, I am surprised this thread keeps going and going. Well I thank everyone for their input, even if most of it is terribly critical of me. But i wanted to get an honest opinion of my thought process and if it is honestly "whacked" and "crazy" then I'm glad you people have had the good sense to tell me!

I think my posts have given a wrong impression though. My daughter and I actually have a great relationship. Yeah I have my jealousies and insecurities but she doesn't ever see any of that, nor does it ever interfere with my parenting of either her or her sister.

And despite what some of you think, I really don't see anything wrong with a poly relationship or my daughter knowing what one is. Sure she might see an extra partner in bed at her moms now and then, but it ain't like they are doing anything inapropriate when she's in there, (now, if they were, I'd be the first one to do something about it!) And no, I don't pump my daughter for info, in fact I never ask specific questions at all, so that my ex can't start nagging at me for being nosy. My daughter is a talkaholic and she tells me what she does at her mothers, who's visits, who's there for dinner etc...

For example, she was telling me that 'Mary' ate breakfast with them on saturday morning.

'Mary stopped by that early to have breakfast?' I'll then ask.

'No, she didn't stop by, she slept over with momma and jack and jill. So she was already there that morning.'

So you see how I find out these things.

And for the record, I'm not just some horny dude looking for a threesome, at least not any more so than any normal guy. I've actually looked at poly sites and for every legit woman, or couple, there are ten pervert guys just looking for a threesome. If I was going to be poly it would be the real deal. I'm only interested in a threesome if there was a sincere emotional connection between me and both girls. I mean, if I just wanted a threesome with two hot chicks that would be easy enough to find.

 

However I do agree its a rather unfortunate preoccupation I have being jealous of my ex's boyfriend, and I agree that I need to get over it. Its easier said than done, but I'm working at it as much as I am able. I guess part of me always thought that she called him daddy because he had so many girls as his mates, like maybe psyhcologically it was linked to the whole 'harem' type mentality, but I'm just a guy with a very limited perception of how females think, so I hope you will forgive me my ignorance.

[lilkitty]

i have read your post and most of the replys and i do agree with most if not all. i'm not a swinger or poly, i am very straight. what i want to say is that once your daughter gets older and relizes whats going on in your ex's house and that the bf is having sex with all these girls at once she will not think of him as a good role model for her. as girls growup and get older they realize that what he's doing is gross and wrong. hopfully she'll think that one person should only have one partner. and as long as you keep being they way you are with her and have a close relationship like you say you do she'll think of you as the better person. and maybe even one day she'll get sick of the way her mom has her house hold and want to stay with you.

obviously you and your ex broke up for a reason, and havn't been together since. why, only you and your ex knows about that, but i think its none of your business what they do. i do agree its wrong to have your daughter be in the same house when it happens. who knows what she hears thru those walls.(GROSS). and i think you should throw those concerns at your ex about your daughter being there. and that you don't want your daughter to grow up thinking what she does is ok.

 

just my opinon

[Mary3]

You said " My daughter will think of me as a lesser man than my ex's bf. " Your daughter at age 9 is not looking to see what kind of * man * you are but rather what kind of father you are.

 

How you love her , listen to her , provide for her and protect her , are the indications of the greatest love she will ever have for you.