pparrott Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 I know there are 'young' posters here...Perhaps you could shed some light on this. My husband, has several younger friends - a lot of them female. Most I know - a few I don't know. (He is 49) These "girls" not often, but enough, text him. We will be having dinner in the evening - for instance last night - he received a text from a phone number (no name attached) & the text said...... "I need a ride to work tomorrow, I'll pay." a few nights ago - from the same number "I need help - a truck- moving & taking stuff to storage" There have also been texts - prior to these last 2 that have said "you coming in to see me?" (she is a bartender at a place he frequents) My husband told me - prior to my calling her - that bartenders/waitresses do this often to get regulars to come in on slow days. SO...Anyway...last night I called the number. She said she ""sends "GROUP" text messages. He is just a friend of mine."" I asked her to take my husbands number out of her "Group".....she apologized & then sent my husband a text apologizing to him, "sorry if i interrupted your evening...blah blah........." My husband says they are "FRIENDS" - says...he rarely goes to this particular bar anymore & he would do anything for his friends if they asked - IF he could. He didn't go pick her up for work today - I know because he is working downtown & he didn't help her move stuff the other day - because he was out of town. ............Am I making too much of this? HELP - Is this normal behavior for the 'younger' generation? Are there no bounderies that a young girl will cross? Are there no bounderies in a marriage?
quankanne Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 if this is something out of the blue (i.e., no problems with previous affairs) then I wonder if he's the good guy that girls take advantage of ... nice older brother/cousin/uncle type who is genuinely nice and therefore women genuinely think it's okay to make requests without thinking about how said requests affect his family time.
toughchoices Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 I see alot of texting going on and used to think it was a waste. Recently got a blackberry and am seeing the usefulness of it (ok semi addicted). If there is infidelity in the past you need to end this texting now or at least set up some strict guidelines. If not then I would discuss how uncomfortable you are with this and why.
Nikki Sahagin Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 I think a lot of younger girls don't value the sanctuary of marriage. They like attention from older men. Its a power trip/game. It could be nothing but surely she has other friends (and people of her age) to ask for help?
Author pparrott Posted May 8, 2009 Author Posted May 8, 2009 He's lied in the past & been caught red handed about his whereabouts etc. (in a bar in the middle of the day - instead of work...when he knows it would piss me off) But that was long ago. Perhaps I just still don't trust that he's telling me the truth. I guess it did make me feel a little better having her say the same thing he did, about the GROUP text thing. I dunno. And, YES he is a guy that young girls see as a 'father-sort-of' figure, Eventhough we have 2 kids of our own that are in that age bracket. They DO take advantage of him, I see that, he doesn't. I think he gets an ego boost from "helping, buying them drinks, etc.etc."....perhaps:confused:
Author pparrott Posted May 11, 2009 Author Posted May 11, 2009 What keeps someone like this (type of personality) from seeing what is going on around them? From realizing right & wrong? When I mention that it's not right - He tells me I just need to RELAX & ENJOY LIFE....He's doing nothing wrong! These are his friends. (& basically, what I hear is....I'll do whatever I please) Yet I come here & tell my story - & people see it the way I do. How is it that he's always right & everyone else around him is always WRONG? Is there some sort of disease that keeps people from realizing they are hurting others? And are never remorseful for their actions? Have the inability to MEAN IT when they say "Sorry"?
OldEurope Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Many might not believe this, but I am on the whole "pro-spouse" when she (or he) is truly making an effort, invested in the marriage emotionally (and otherwise), staying fit and healthy...so...my sympathies go out to you... Secondly, many might not agree with this, but I say, start asking some cute young bucks around to help you with "this and that", to repair a household item, to drive you to the salon, or hire a handsome French tutor to teach you a new language....And give the ol H a taste of his own medicine. I know, I know..."two wrongs"...but ya got keep these devils on their toes! Sometimes we have to teach them a lesson in not-so-subtle ways when the subtle, polite, civilized wife-to-hubby inquiries aren't resulting in respectful actions on his end (i.e. your H would "get" that you are uneasy and would do something to cut off these communications--that is a gentleman) Do not become the worried, scared, anxious, "aging" wife (by "aging" I mean in terms of bad spirit, bad attitude--hell, for all we know you are knocking these other girls flat in the looks department ). Get smart, and show him how good out there on the court you can be too. Trust me, he will pay attention. OE
bean1 Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 I don't know about the girls. It could easily be either nothing or something. What does strike me though is that your husband appears to have a problem with alcoholism. If his bar activities are causing a problem in your marriage (the girls) and possibly his job (at a bar when he should be at work?), I don't blame you for not trusting him.
OldEurope Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 PS I said French tutor, above, or make that an Italian tutor. Both are languages of love and an attractive academic tutor is just the thing here!
bean1 Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 PS I said French tutor, above, or make that an Italian tutor. Both are languages of love and an attractive academic tutor is just the thing here! Languages of love only for anglophones! My French guy loves to fart as loud as he can. They turn on the linguistic charm for the first 2 or 3 dates, but then it's all beer and Nascar after that.
Author pparrott Posted May 11, 2009 Author Posted May 11, 2009 Yeah - the drinking has played a huge part in our marriage. I left him over it - But things are better (in the drinking department) But during the separation he befrended all of these younger girls & still claims THEY ARE HIS FRIENDS...(& by the capital letters - I mean he is adimate about this....defends them ALL THE TIME) I have made a point to tell him that I did cut off communication with any male friends that I had made during the separation. Now, granted - by male friends I do mean those that did want to date me during that time. But I made it clear to them that I was back with my husband & even "friendship" was out of the question. OldEurope - Good idea! Not sure that would shake him UP or GET HIM OFF! .... if ya know what I mean.
OldEurope Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Languages of love only for anglophones! My French guy loves to fart as loud as he can. They turn on the linguistic charm for the first 2 or 3 dates, but then it's all beer and Nascar after that. Um...Your "guy"/pet dog sounds like a real charmer. The French guys I've known/know are somewhat better raised, and no...no beer and Nascar, sorry...
bean1 Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Um...Your "guy"/pet dog sounds like a real charmer. The French guys I've known/know are somewhat better raised, and no...no beer and Nascar, sorry... Haha nope as the , all the French guys are like that! You don't see it until you get hitched...
OldEurope Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 My dear, I don't know what your point is in pressing this, but you seem deeply cynical. Unless you have married "all Frenchmen" you cannot say something so silly. Anyway, two born and bred French men in my family and they are as elegant and well mannered as ever. I am terribly sorry for your disappointments, but vive la france all the way. xo OE
voldigicam Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 Text messages may just as easily be in code. Younger folks seem to have few boundaries compared to those in my generation, at least as far as relatively open and non-sneeky suggestions and communications go. And younger women seem surprisingly interested in having older men as friends/mentors. And lovers. They also seem surprisingly open about asking older men if they'd like to "hook up." I see this as an alarm if you're interested in restraining and owning him.
bean1 Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 My dear, I don't know what your point is in pressing this, but you seem deeply cynical. Unless you have married "all Frenchmen" you cannot say something so silly. Anyway, two born and bred French men in my family and they are as elegant and well mannered as ever. I am terribly sorry for your disappointments, but vive la france all the way. xo OE LOL.... cynical? Gosh, I'm just kidding around. Of course not all French men are the same, just like any other nationality. I'm sorry you are so offended. I am certainly not serious. PS- Thank you for calling him a "pet dog". Now that's European charm.
angie2443 Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 I read a couple of your older posts. I would say that you'll either have to except that your husband will be unfaithful to you in some shape or form and just live with it, or you'll have to get the courage to leave the relationship. I don't think your husband will ever change, especially at his age. I couldn't live with this type of situation, but some people have their reasons for staying. I wish you luck with whatever choice you make.
Author pparrott Posted May 12, 2009 Author Posted May 12, 2009 It's funny you say that Angie...Because he thinks that I am overreacting & that all men do this. (I say, sure they do & they're single) He also believes that any other woman WOULD keep her mouth shut & not make an issue of something that HE BELIEVES is not an issue.
Author pparrott Posted May 12, 2009 Author Posted May 12, 2009 I would love to hear from a female waitress/bartender......Someone to either tell me this DOES or DOESN'T happen. (phoning regulars to get them to come to bars on slow days)
sxyNYCcpl Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 I have not read any prior of your history, but based merely on what I've read here, I'd say you are making a mountain out of a molehill and creating unnecessary drama. I have a friend who is within an inch of leaving his wife over a similar problem. Every time his phone rings, every time someone texts him, every incoming email or IM, you name it, she starts throwing drama-bombs and only vaguely hinted accusations. "WHO IS THAT WHO TEXTED YOU??" My son. "WHO IS CALLING YOU???" Work. She's absolutely convinced that he's doing something he shouldn't be, and he's just about had enough of her baseless accusations. If you expect your SO to have zero contact of any kind with members of the opposite sex, you're being manipulative and controlling.
Author pparrott Posted May 12, 2009 Author Posted May 12, 2009 I have not read any prior of your history, but based merely on what I've read here, I'd say you are making a mountain out of a molehill and creating unnecessary drama. I have a friend who is within an inch of leaving his wife over a similar problem. Every time his phone rings, every time someone texts him, every incoming email or IM, you name it, she starts throwing drama-bombs and only vaguely hinted accusations. "WHO IS THAT WHO TEXTED YOU??" My son. "WHO IS CALLING YOU???" Work. She's absolutely convinced that he's doing something he shouldn't be, and he's just about had enough of her baseless accusations. If you expect your SO to have zero contact of any kind with members of the opposite sex, you're being manipulative and controlling. Excellent point~! Thanks. It's not that I think there should be 0 contact. I know there WILL be contact. I guess that since I don't know these girls, it just seems a bit ODD to me. And that they are "girls" .. That's why I was asking.
sxyNYCcpl Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 Assuming by "girls" you mean 20-something, and I think I read your hubby is late 40s, I'm about half-way in between you and them. I can say from observation that the younger someone is, the more likely they text alot, it's growing (i myself text at a much higher rate than just 2-3 years ago), and it's not unusual for people to send out group things. On Sunday, I got a "Happy Mothers Day" message from a friend of mine, despite the fact we're both dudes and neither of us is a mother. Why? Cause the lazy ass sent it to everyone in his phone book. Don't go looking for trouble, if it's there, it'll find you quickly enough. If it's not, looking too hard will cause it to happen all by itself.
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