Paralyzed Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 I just received this email from my gf. We just recently got back together after several text messages, showing up at my apartment at 3am. Last night she made love to me passionately and told me how much she loved me. Today she told me to come to her place once I finished my errands. This is the message I just got while at WORK! How should I respond? I'm literally shaking right now. "Hi Paralyzed, I'm just getting out of my meeting now. Heading to Bowering park for a walk. We need to talk. All day I have been thinking about our relationship and the potential for an "us" in the future. I really don't see it happening with everything that has happened between us. We are constantly drawn back to each other and I know we have a strong connection. But, I need to be honest with myself and you. I have felt "off" the past couple of days and it's because I know in my heart of hearts we will never work as a couple. I know that you know it too. Breaking up and getting back together every week or month just isn't the way I want to live my life. I do care about you. I want the best for you. I want you and I to be happy. I understand if you don't want to call me or come up but you can if you want. Either way this is my final decision. I can't do this anymore Paralyzed. I am going to end up having a nervous break down. I want to find someone who can be part of my life entirely and I can be part of their's. That being said, I honestly don't want to be a relationship with anyone. As lonely, alone time is, I realize it's necessary to get through this **** time in my life. You need to do that too. I promise to not contact you and leave you be no matter what the circumstances are. I would like to be your friend but I'm not sure if that is an option. Thoughts?" Who ends an email like that after what she just wrote. It's confusing and hurtful. She has done this to me so many times. I hate this woman!!! What kind of a sick individual would do this to another person?
EmperorR Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 RUN, I gurantee you she will come back again, rinse and repeat run far away
Perrier Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 If she has done this to you so many times why are you there to take it still? If I were you i would count it as a blessing and try to forget her, she sounds very confused and switchy
Perrier Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 If she has done this to you so many times why are you there to take it still? If I were you i would count it as a blessing and try to forget her, she sounds very confused and switchy
LadyV Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 I have to agree with everyone here....She will just do it again, unless you stop the cycle. My XBF did it to me every time. I finally went NC, blocked his number, closed my email and blocked FB....NO CONTACT whatsoever! Hang in there....
trueblue72ny Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 run. and dont look back. if there is one thing in life i have learned about relationships, it is that past behavior is more or less what you can expect in the future. if you are happy going back and forth than go for it. if not forget her and find another woman.
kizik Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 If you stay in this relationship, she will continue to break up with you whenever she has a bad day.
scootncash Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 Unfortunately, the best predicitor of the future is the past. She's very ambivelent and not sure what she really wants. I want to find someone who can be part of my life entirely and I can be part of their's. That being said, I honestly don't want to be a relationship with anyone. Its obvious that she couldnt tell you what she wants because she doesnt know what she wants. This type of ambivelency is maddening to the other party. She certainly isnt capable of handling herself right now muchless a relationship. The problem with this for her is while she cant say yes to a relationship with you, she cant say no either. Thats why she bounces back and forth. Im sure for her its no fun to be sitting on the fence not knowing which way to go. So in essence she chooses not to choose. Whatever choice she tries to make she feels trapped and caught, and anxious about her decision to stay or go. Thats why the quote from above suffaced. She certainly displays a lot of committment phobe tendencies. The thing is wants a relationship but, they want their space as well. We all know some space is healthy but it should never include the phrase, I dont think we'll make it, I need space without you around, I need, I want, I, I, I... she kinda of plays a now you see me now you dont action to her relationship. On one hand she's there to see you and on the other she's changed her mind. Though one thing is for certain. She isnt ready for any kind of committment to you or anyone else. Had she really wanted to committ for the long haul she may have done a little dancing back and forth but she would have moved slowly, continuing in the same direction. I know its confusing and its painful but it isnt you. She has issues and needs to work on herself. You cant change it, you cant make her better, you cant convince her of your love. You cant do anything but work on you and allow her the space she is asking for. In the meantime pick up the pieces and focus on you. Your independce from her may in fact help. Take care of you. Space is physical and emotional and much needed for yourself right now. Whether or not she is able to change or get better is not the focus. There is always the chance that she will . But the chance needs to be taken on you by you and in what you can do for you. Sometimes we can make healthier choices by simply making the decision to do so. I wish you success, scootncash
kizik Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 Unfortunately, the best predicitor of the future is the past. She's very ambivelent and not sure what she really wants. I want to find someone who can be part of my life entirely and I can be part of their's. That being said, I honestly don't want to be a relationship with anyone. Its obvious that she couldnt tell you what she wants because she doesnt know what she wants. This type of ambivelency is maddening to the other party. She certainly isnt capable of handling herself right now muchless a relationship. The problem with this for her is while she cant say yes to a relationship with you, she cant say no either. Thats why she bounces back and forth. Im sure for her its no fun to be sitting on the fence not knowing which way to go. So in essence she chooses not to choose. Whatever choice she tries to make she feels trapped and caught, and anxious about her decision to stay or go. Thats why the quote from above suffaced. She certainly displays a lot of committment phobe tendencies. The thing is wants a relationship but, they want their space as well. We all know some space is healthy but it should never include the phrase, I dont think we'll make it, I need space without you around, I need, I want, I, I, I... she kinda of plays a now you see me now you dont action to her relationship. On one hand she's there to see you and on the other she's changed her mind. Though one thing is for certain. She isnt ready for any kind of committment to you or anyone else. Had she really wanted to committ for the long haul she may have done a little dancing back and forth but she would have moved slowly, continuing in the same direction. I know its confusing and its painful but it isnt you. She has issues and needs to work on herself. You cant change it, you cant make her better, you cant convince her of your love. You cant do anything but work on you and allow her the space she is asking for. In the meantime pick up the pieces and focus on you. Your independce from her may in fact help. Take care of you. Space is physical and emotional and much needed for yourself right now. Whether or not she is able to change or get better is not the focus. There is always the chance that she will . But the chance needs to be taken on you by you and in what you can do for you. Sometimes we can make healthier choices by simply making the decision to do so. I wish you success, scootncash YES! What a great post.
Template Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 You aren't dating my ex are you. They could be long lost sisters. In all seriousness though, it nice that she said what she said, but the main thing you have to consider is - What do you want? Hey, some people want the on-again, off-again, cyclical relationship. Some guys want stability (but that's probably just the majority). She sounds like a person who is severely confused and doesn't know what SHE wants. Just remember - you cannot make that decision for her, only has/needs to. Is she crazy... maybe. But does that matter if YOU decide not to be with her?
See_ya_on_the_flip Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 Unfortunately, the best predicitor of the future is the past. She's very ambivelent and not sure what she really wants. I want to find someone who can be part of my life entirely and I can be part of their's. That being said, I honestly don't want to be a relationship with anyone. Its obvious that she couldnt tell you what she wants because she doesnt know what she wants. This type of ambivelency is maddening to the other party. She certainly isnt capable of handling herself right now muchless a relationship. The problem with this for her is while she cant say yes to a relationship with you, she cant say no either. Thats why she bounces back and forth. Im sure for her its no fun to be sitting on the fence not knowing which way to go. So in essence she chooses not to choose. Whatever choice she tries to make she feels trapped and caught, and anxious about her decision to stay or go. Thats why the quote from above suffaced. She certainly displays a lot of committment phobe tendencies. The thing is wants a relationship but, they want their space as well. We all know some space is healthy but it should never include the phrase, I dont think we'll make it, I need space without you around, I need, I want, I, I, I... she kinda of plays a now you see me now you dont action to her relationship. On one hand she's there to see you and on the other she's changed her mind. Though one thing is for certain. She isnt ready for any kind of committment to you or anyone else. Had she really wanted to committ for the long haul she may have done a little dancing back and forth but she would have moved slowly, continuing in the same direction. I know its confusing and its painful but it isnt you. She has issues and needs to work on herself. You cant change it, you cant make her better, you cant convince her of your love. You cant do anything but work on you and allow her the space she is asking for. In the meantime pick up the pieces and focus on you. Your independce from her may in fact help. Take care of you. Space is physical and emotional and much needed for yourself right now. Whether or not she is able to change or get better is not the focus. There is always the chance that she will . But the chance needs to be taken on you by you and in what you can do for you. Sometimes we can make healthier choices by simply making the decision to do so. I wish you success, scootncash SUPER reponse! Sounds like my ex to a tee!
LadyV Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 DITTO!!!! I was there, where you were. He wasn't sure what he wanted. He was miserable with me and without me...so miserable that he's moved onto the next person...LOL. Yeah...already!!! Scootncash is so right when she says you can NOT change anyone. It sounds very much like she doesn't know what she wants. But you can decided what YOU want...to either be part of this Yo-Yo cycle, or move on to a better life...that will not include her...
BCCA Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 After going through an almost indentical situation myself, let me offer another prospective. Anyone that doesnt know what they want, knows that you dont have it. I think she considers you a good guy, and women hate to pass on a guy that could be good for them, but she just cant get herself emotionally invested in you. Even if its commitment phobia, which to a certain extent it certainly is, people like that DO commit to some people someday. Usually, only people who are MORE affraid of a commitment then they are. What you have become to this girl is a well of emotional support, a quick ego boost, and a fallback plan. She is in love with HAVING you, not actually you. Anyone who could say they love you, and EMAIL a dump letter the next day (which is exactly what my ex did) is just taking you for a ride. She'll never commit to you, but she doesnt want to wake up someday and have no one and be too old, so she wants to keep you in the distant picture just in case. Even if you did marry this woman, she would always feel like she settled, and wonder if there is something better out there. She would probably cheat on you, too, or at least find other men to give her attention. These are the kind of women who sleep with pool boys and gardeners. My friend, people like this are DANGEROUS to your well being. Its not that hard, you either like someone or you dont. Anyone on the fence is probably just being selfish. She doesnt want you to find someone else, because then 'Plan B' is gone, so she's doing her best to string you along. This is a waste of time, and it just wont ever get better. Ive been in the identical situation as you, and this will keep going on as long as you let it.
See_ya_on_the_flip Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 Great Advive BCCA! To confirm..sounds just like my situation, and my (ex) girl. Very well put!!!! Peace
LadyV Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 After going through an almost indentical situation myself, let me offer another prospective. Anyone that doesnt know what they want, knows that you dont have it. I think she considers you a good guy, and women hate to pass on a guy that could be good for them, but she just cant get herself emotionally invested in you. Even if its commitment phobia, which to a certain extent it certainly is, people like that DO commit to some people someday. Usually, only people who are MORE affraid of a commitment then they are. What you have become to this girl is a well of emotional support, a quick ego boost, and a fallback plan. She is in love with HAVING you, not actually you. Anyone who could say they love you, and EMAIL a dump letter the next day (which is exactly what my ex did) is just taking you for a ride. She'll never commit to you, but she doesnt want to wake up someday and have no one and be too old, so she wants to keep you in the distant picture just in case. Even if you did marry this woman, she would always feel like she settled, and wonder if there is something better out there. She would probably cheat on you, too, or at least find other men to give her attention. These are the kind of women who sleep with pool boys and gardeners. My friend, people like this are DANGEROUS to your well being. Its not that hard, you either like someone or you dont. Anyone on the fence is probably just being selfish. She doesnt want you to find someone else, because then 'Plan B' is gone, so she's doing her best to string you along. This is a waste of time, and it just wont ever get better. Ive been in the identical situation as you, and this will keep going on as long as you let it. Very well said!!!!
scootncash Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 Well said BCCA! And that my friend is right on the money. If you really want to see what a committment phobe is capable of and how ignorant I was of that fact then go read my thread about losing him wasnt a total loss. I actually hung on for a year while he bounced back and forth on the fence after cheating on me with the new gf after we had been together for 7 years. Its a terrible place to be in. But the only one who can really help you is you. It comes down to a decision - its either you or them. I chose the right choice for me. That was the most self defeating detrimental year of my life. But Im also thankful it happened or I wouldnt be the healthy person I am today. I wish you the best, Scootncash
Author Paralyzed Posted June 2, 2009 Author Posted June 2, 2009 Ok here is the update. I did hear from her a week later. Then again the weekend after that. Then she phoned a few days after that. I didn't give an inch. Then it stopped. So I hear through the grapevine last week that she is seeing someone. I was so upset and stomach sick that I couldn't go to work that day. It's hard to believe that someone could move on so quickly. She told me in the email she needed to be alone, and felt that I needed the same. What a joke. I've never been this angry. It has almost been a week since I heard the news and I haven't contacted her. I will do my best to keep it up. But, I don't know if I have ever felt this hurt before in my life. How did people on this board deal with a situation like this?
NopeNah Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 I stayed no contact. Not for her but for me. It does get better with time(I hate saying that). In my case after a few weeks of NC she was back to calling/texting. I gave zero response at first. She then started showing up out of the blue,confessing her feelings ect.. she left "my replacment" to be with me. I no longer want her! That's why its important to remain NC.. not to win her back but, to regain who you are without them! Then if they do come back you can make a rational decision on what to do. The cold truth is she probaly won't return but you will be on your way to being healed. Take care! And know it does get better!
banser123 Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 Paralyzed, I feel for you. I just posted a threas called deeply hurt. My situation is similar, she is very confused, but she never said she loved me so i dont think she is stringing me along. Its a hard situation your in. Mostly everyone will tell you to move on but your hurt wants to hold on to hope that she will change. The best thing to do is to leave it alone and try your best to get out and stop thinking about her. If she calls you be cautious and dont fall in the same trap. tell her you want to be friends at first for a while and if she is willing to do this then that is a good sign, but still not definite that she has changed. Just take it day by day. My heart is still hurting and I have to deal with it because in my situation i have to see her everyday (at work and she lives 2 blocks from me). But we will pull through, just remember, you are better off then she is
banser123 Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 I know the sick feeling. It hurts extremely. Just try your best to hang in there. I dont know if you are religious to any extent but praying helps. Also venting to others. I hope we can be of any help, good luck
Author Paralyzed Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 She has deleted everyone on facebook that she met through me. Every friend and family member that she added when we were together. I'm assuming it has to do with pictures I tagged some friends in from the weekend. There were other women in them and I imagine it really made her angry. It wasn't my intention for her to see any of them as she has had me deleted for over a month now. If she didn't want to see, she didn't have to look at my friends' profiles. Does that sound like the actions of a mature 32 year old woman? Very bizarre behavior.
banser123 Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 Hello Paralyzed. I noticed there hasnt been any posts the last few days. I was just wondering how your situation and yourself of course are doing.
CaliGuy Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 I agree, run. Sounds like she wanted a FWB situation to me and then realized you don't want the same thing. She doesn't see you as a long term partner and you can't change that. Cut her off, don't be her friend and move on. There's someone better for you out there.
Recommended Posts