Intricategirl Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 My ex-mother-in-law contacted me last night by email. I thought about not responding, but I don't want her to think I'm mad at her, because I'm not. She talked about how she doesn't know what I'm feeling because she's never been through a divorce and how she hopes we can be friends, and how we gave her something very special (her grandchildren). The problem is- I'm not upset about the divorce. In fact, I'm feeling exactly the opposite. I cannot be friends with her right now because my ex continues to keep a lot of stuff from her, and unless he finally owns up to the absolute black hole that he is, I am still having to keep his secrets for him. And yes, I gave her grandchildren, and I adore my kids, but I am having a very difficult time with using the word "gift" with anything associated with that relationship. It wasn't a gift- he knocked me up. Let's not romanticize it. I finally wrote her a more gentle version of the above, telling her that I'm having a hard time with anything associated with him, that I love her but need some space, and that I'm relieved he's gone and hopefully one day he'll tell her why. And I still feel like sh*t. I suppose I'm STILL keeping his secrets for him and justifying it as not running to tattle to his mom about the monster he is because it's his business to do so. I don't know... I knew I'd have to face her someday. She's watching my kids this summer so I can work, so it was absolutely inevitable! But I just went no contact with him (even with kids who are sent downstairs when he gets here and have their own keys to get in so he doesn't have to walk them up), and the very next day his mom writes. And I can't convince myself it was a coincidence. The next letter won't get a response. If she can't see that I need miles of space right now, then she didn't read the letter.
TaraMaiden Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 Always hold on to your dignity. Always swallow your pride. The difficulty (I certainly found) was learning to distinguish the two.... I wish you well. _/l\_
Author Intricategirl Posted May 8, 2009 Author Posted May 8, 2009 Always hold on to your dignity. Always swallow your pride. The difficulty (I certainly found) was learning to distinguish the two.... I wish you well. _/l\_ Thank you. I believe that's exactly what I tried to do, without having such a clearly worded definition of it. I appreciate having the words, and think there's a lot of wisdom in them. I read over my email again, and I do believe I achieved them. I told her that I love her, I told her that I am very grateful to have her help, and I told her that I still need some time and space to heal. Also, regarding your quote- my username comes from a Henry James novel, "Confidence". I've been using the username for years all across the web, but I find it more appropriate than ever.
webmuse Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 I'll have to admit, when I read that post, those words hit home.
Author Intricategirl Posted May 8, 2009 Author Posted May 8, 2009 Dammit. I just found out the whole family is crazy. And that I'm right- it wasn't a coincidence. His mom was going to come up for our son's birthday, until we found out that another kid in his class had planned a party for the same day. Because we hadn't sent out invitations yet, we decided that there probably wouldn't be many people who would show up to two parties in one day or weekend, so we moved it to the following weekend. He told her this last night, which is what prompted the email. I's been over a month, she hasn't called or written once, and when told that the party date is moving, she suddenly decides that's a good time to write. I mean, I understand she wants to make sure she's still welcome for her grandson's party and everything, but instead of coming out and asking him whether she can switch the dates of her trip, she suddenly wants to make sure we're "friends" and point out how great the gift of her grandchildren was. And I could be misinterpreting it, but even my ex agreed it seems pretty suspicious. Looney toon, manipulative, old cow!!
TaraMaiden Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 I suppose I'm STILL keeping his secrets for him and justifying it as not running to tattle to his mom about the monster he is because it's his business to do so. I don't know... you see, I wrote what I wrote, because in the middle of your post, this stood out for me. You are not still keeping his secrets for him for the reasons you mentioned, I believe.... I perceive that you actually realise a dignified silence is far better than spilling your soul. Discretion is the better part of valour, and I do think there is much truth in this. But it is natural for a parent to see their children in a different light to others... not only because they feel they know their children better, but also because they find it difficult to believe their children are capable of the actions others accuse them of. It is a question of not putting her in a position of having to suddenly review her opinion of her son. And of course, as you rightly say, she will be caring for your children in the summer. The next time she presses you - and it is possible she might - lay your hand on her forearm and tell her: 'One day, I will tell you. One day I will discuss this openly with you. But not yet. It is still too fresh and painful. So let me tell you one day. But please - let me decide when that day will be.' _/l\_
Author Intricategirl Posted May 8, 2009 Author Posted May 8, 2009 Yes, and that's why I left it pretty much alone. What do I expect her to do about her son's behaviors, especially when I don't even know what I want to do about them? No matter what he has done to me, it's not something that she can fix, and that's even assuming she approached it with a critical eye and agreed that he had wronged me. Which is asking a great deal of any mother to take the side of an ex-wife who was left behind over a son you want to see happy, even if it is with someone else. So no, I can't change her, and I can't change him. I can only change my own reaction to it, and show by example to my son that such behaviors are not okay, and show my daughter that she can be a strong woman.
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