patwheel Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 Let me start with this... My friends and I are a group who know each other because we share the same background and we are all in a foreign country. We are like a little family, all very close to each other. We are all successful and educated, got jobs, etc etc... That was up until 6 months ago for me, when I started seeing my life unravel in front of my eyes. It all started with the job, then the girl, and I moved in a downward spiral...in the meantime, my friends were prospering. Out of shame, I never told them that I had lost my job, and kept lying up until now. The lie grew bigger and bigger(as in making up stupid thing to make me look better), and they found out by calling up my old workplace, and now I am basically the outcast. I dont blame them, one of them is trying to understand why, but the two people that I felt were closest to me are completely ignoring me, and I believe are hurt. My question is: how can I fix this? I am in a desperate funk right now, not knowing what to do, and i am scared that there is nothing that I can do to fix this unfortunately. I have emailed them once tryign to explain why, but no response.
Ronni_W Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 I agree with you that your friends are feeling hurt by how you treated them. I'd suggest that you try to address their hurt feelings before you try to explain your own feelings and actions. I'd also recommend that you make amends in person -- it is time to get brave and courageous . CALL each one, say that you are sorry for doubting their friendship and their ability to be empathetic and understanding of your situation. ASK if they will please reconsider and meet with you at least once, and give you the opportunity to convey how your feelings of self-failure, self-disappointment, depression and being ashamed of how your life was going, how all of that led you to treat them without honesty, respect, dignity, etc. Good luck. Of course you deserve to forgive yourself, and hopefully your friends are mature and compassionate enough to forgive you, too. If they are not, though, that still doesn't mean that you cannot forgive yourself.
Author patwheel Posted May 8, 2009 Author Posted May 8, 2009 Thanks Ronni. I have tried to call them, but no response. This is just part of the downward spiral my life has taken, and i shouldnt have treated my friends that way, and I am paying the consequences now. I guess I need to keep trying, and mend whatever is left from our friendships and work on my life trying to get it back together(if only the economy would let me). Another thing is that, just like any group of people, gossiping is part of it, and now my lie became a behemoth; and I doubt I could ever get my dignity back to show up at gatherings. Should I not care what people think to that extent? Or should I call in a town meeting and do a mea culpa? I am drowning in my own mess, ashamed of my own actions, and above all else, I am just lonely and desperate to have my friends back. I am aware that in the immediate future, it will not be the same as before, but I sure hope that in time, they will understand.
Ronni_W Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Perhaps you can try calling each of them again, and leave a message something like, "I realize how I acted could have come across as if I didn't trust you and could have felt like a betrayal. I'm sorry for that. I'd really appreciate the opportunity to talk about this in person." Put it in your own words, of course...but basically showing that you are trying to understand THEIR feelings. You are in charge of your own dignity and self-esteem. You can "show up" with dignity when YOU decide to do that. You just show up, hold your head high, make no excuses, and ignore the snickers. It is not easy to do, but it is that simple. You HAVE dignity when you treat others with dignity and when you act with dignity. If I may say, you seem at risk for putting yourself into "victim mode", and feeling like the whole world is against you. You can be using some of this time to be improving your mindset to one of hopefulness and optimism, increasing your self-awareness, working on self-forgiveness, even learning a new hobby or skill. Friendships and support networks are important, and how our friends see us does matter...we are, after all, social creatures. But we are still responsible for our happiness and success, and creating our own positive experiences. Your current thoughts and self-talk are dragging you down and to change that, you do need to turn your 'inner stuff' into something a little more hopeful.
Author patwheel Posted May 11, 2009 Author Posted May 11, 2009 I did try again, via email and calls. I received an email from one of them that pretty much says that I was a friend, but just a stranger now, and good luck with my life. Maybe it is too soon now, I hope. I emailed others also and called, but without any reply. I'm afraid that the damage that was done is too big, and I guess time will tell what the outcome of the mess I've created will be. Yes you are right, I do come across as victimized, but I do realize that it is through my own doing. I'm just used to be around people, and instead of nurturing the relationships that I should be concentrating on, I destroyed them. It is time as you say for me to refocus on myself, and recenter my life to what it once was...and hopefully one day my now ex-friends will forgive me for my wrongdoings. Thank you for your advices
You'reasian Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 I did try again, via email and calls. I received an email from one of them that pretty much says that I was a friend, but just a stranger now, and good luck with my life. Maybe it is too soon now, I hope. I emailed others also and called, but without any reply. I'm afraid that the damage that was done is too big, and I guess time will tell what the outcome of the mess I've created will be. Yes you are right, I do come across as victimized, but I do realize that it is through my own doing. I'm just used to be around people, and instead of nurturing the relationships that I should be concentrating on, I destroyed them. It is time as you say for me to refocus on myself, and recenter my life to what it once was...and hopefully one day my now ex-friends will forgive me for my wrongdoings. Thank you for your advices Patwheel, I'm a little confused. What have you done so wrong?
Author patwheel Posted May 12, 2009 Author Posted May 12, 2009 Well, I guess I could explain my situation a little more... I was an attorney in a large firm, and got laid off. Out of shame, I have excluded that (hopefully) temporary mishap from my friends. The only problem is that it has been more than 6 months now, and the lies have built onto themselves, to a point that I could not back out of it anymore. I was pretty much living my regular day-to-day life in an extravagant way in order to mask the reality. This was my way of coping with what was happening to me, and more importantly remind me of what I had to do in order to keep my standard of living. I lied to them for the last 6 months, and these are the people that I consider family. My actions are morally wrong, and even though there was no harm intended, I have done more than I could ever imagine. If I were them, I too would feel betrayed and disappointed. I am not sure what I can do from now on. I have tried to contact every one of them, and I cannot imagine losing friends of 10 years, with whom I have spent most of my adult life with. From the first time in my life, I have no plan and I do not know what lies in my future; and without support (something that I could have simply asked and most likely get) it makes it even more difficult.
Ronni_W Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 patwheel, It does sound as if you've done all you can about reestablishing connections with your old friends. Whatever happens next is probably best left up to them. I'm sorry that your error of judgment cost you so much. The balancing factor is, of course, that you have really learned a lot from the experience...about yourself and also about how to treat others. I understand that you are judging yourself harshly, for having acted against your own values and standards that you obviously set for yourself at one time. But. People make mistakes, don't we? (For me, I wouldn't say that you acted "immorally" but that you made an unwise decision, which led to many more unwise decisions.) I think it would be okay if you gave yourself permission to forgive yourself. And I wish you best of luck as you build your NEW plan, and begin to attract NEW understanding and supportive people into your life.
Author patwheel Posted May 13, 2009 Author Posted May 13, 2009 Thank you Ronni for your words. I know that I am harsh on myself, but I need a change in my life. Tonight is one of my friend's birthday, and I am dying to do as you advised me, just show up there, but I am afraid that all I will only get brushed off f I show up there. I did call her up to wish her a happy birthday, but i got her voicemail. As you say, the next move will be theirs; I am afraid that if I keep trying, they will get even more aggravated with me and really draw the line on me. I am meeting people everyday, and building relationships; however, this group of people have been there for me for a long time, and I hope one day I can rebuild a relationship with them.
Ronni_W Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 I hope one day I can rebuild a relationship with them. If you are open to another suggestion: I would try to change that goal -- make it so that you hope to be the best you can be and build your own happiest, most successful life possible. And maybe when you are doing that, your old friends will want to rebuild their relationship with you. Kind of, change your focus so that your memories of your "old life" don't hold you back from going forward into the new. Right now, they are just memories.
bitbyte Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 Tell them the truth! Even if it's just a simple email quoting what you just wrote here. Perhaps you can try calling each of them again, and leave a message something like, "I realize how I acted could have come across as if I didn't trust you and could have felt like a betrayal. I'm sorry for that. I'd really appreciate the opportunity to talk about this in person." Put it in your own words, of course...but basically showing that you are trying to understand THEIR feelings. You are in charge of your own dignity and self-esteem. You can "show up" with dignity when YOU decide to do that. You just show up, hold your head high, make no excuses, and ignore the snickers. It is not easy to do, but it is that simple. You HAVE dignity when you treat others with dignity and when you act with dignity. If I may say, you seem at risk for putting yourself into "victim mode", and feeling like the whole world is against you. You can be using some of this time to be improving your mindset to one of hopefulness and optimism, increasing your self-awareness, working on self-forgiveness, even learning a new hobby or skill. Friendships and support networks are important, and how our friends see us does matter...we are, after all, social creatures. But we are still responsible for our happiness and success, and creating our own positive experiences. Your current thoughts and self-talk are dragging you down and to change that, you do need to turn your 'inner stuff' into something a little more hopeful.
engravefeelthevoid Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 lying is really bad...i feel you brother and im sure that ur a gr8 person but the lie just came out of good faith,,,like me...i lied to a good female friend and i dobt she will forgve me although i will fight for our friendship...but i think that if you keep insisting, then they will pick up the message that you are sincere and that you REALLY have changed and become a better person...they will eventually give u a chance...but do it hard and go for it...the damage is done so why not give it a chance and give it all uve got /??? wish me luck and i wish you all the best aswell...may god be with you
green_tea Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 So you lost your job and your gf, and kept this from your friends because you felt ashamed? Then when the friends found out they dumped you also? Why do you care about these people? They kicked you when you were down - when you needed real friends. A real friend would have been there for you when you needed. These aren't real friends, you can find new ones.
westernxer Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 So you lost your job and your gf, and kept this from your friends because you felt ashamed? Then when the friends found out they dumped you also? Why do you care about these people? They kicked you when you were down - when you needed real friends. A real friend would have been there for you when you needed. These aren't real friends, you can find new ones. That was my initial reaction. Just how bad were these lies? Or is there so much pressure to keep appearances that you can't rely on these friends for moral support in difficult times? LA is like this for some.
Author patwheel Posted May 30, 2009 Author Posted May 30, 2009 Well you are right about one thing...i am in LA and appearance is pretty much what counts here... Now that things have died down a little bit, and I have finally found got a job back, I started assessing this relationship with my "friends". Yes I have done something that I shouldnt have, I should have been honest and come out with my personal issues instead of making up stories that everything was allright. However, I have never done anything to compromise them, nor have I done somethign to hurt them intentionally by lying to them. The lies strictly concerned me and my job situation. I did go to that birthday party that happened a couple of weeks ago, and held my head up high, and greeted everyone. Since everyoen was wasteed, no one really cared, about what was happening, but I left breifly after greeting everyone. One friend agreed to see me and talk. I did explain my reasons, and she basically said that no one is mad at me, but they are just disappointed, and they feel like they do not know me anymore. I have tried to get to see my closest friends in person once more, and still no response; while the others friends that were less close to me, are slowly giving me another chance (they are saying that I did nothing wrong to them, and that I should get another chance). On my side, I am working on my life, and stay busy with this new job. I am not giving up on my closest friends and hope that one day I will get a chance to explain myself in person, but I am not tryign actively anymore. I guess time will tell....thank you everyoen for your replies, it really helped a lot.
Recommended Posts