webmuse Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 If he has no job for close to a year while I've been working 2, if he has laid on the couch most of that year, ignoring the dogs mess in the backyard, the house falling apart around him, if sometimes he gets violent when drinking, and I wasn't happy with him.. and I asked him to leave... then will someone please tell me what the hell am I so sad about and why it's so hard to breathe still?
Tyra Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 I don't know.I guess you just have deep feelings for him. But he's definitely not the ideal guy.
Enema Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 Some version of stockholm syndrome I guess. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stockholm_syndrome
Intricategirl Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 'Cause maybe you love him, but you just can't take the crap anymore. Then again, maybe not.
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 If he has no job for close to a year while I've been working 2, if he has laid on the couch most of that year, ignoring the dogs mess in the backyard, the house falling apart around him, if sometimes he gets violent when drinking, and I wasn't happy with him.. and I asked him to leave... then will someone please tell me what the hell am I so sad about and why it's so hard to breathe still? You are resentful and sad because he is gone, you are working two jobs, there's still a dog's mess in the backyard, and the house is falling apart around you.
Author webmuse Posted May 9, 2009 Author Posted May 9, 2009 right, so I cleaned up the dogs mess (yay mee!) and getting a neighbor friend to help me with the repairs. .. I also decided to go no contact (still looking at what exactly the 180 degrees means) this morning and answered when he called a little bit ago. The conversation was strained, but I never let on I was miserable. Wished I would have not answered the phone but I did, and I could tell he was trying to manipulate me (or am I just reading too much into everything) and didn't play his game, I also didn't attempt to fill the akward silences on the phone. I don't feel any different that he called (maybe a little more ego than I should)..hmm.
Author webmuse Posted May 9, 2009 Author Posted May 9, 2009 plus.. when I think about it .. I was resentful & sad before we split
Gunny376 Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 Your fighting off an addiction ~ http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2009/02/11/tech/main4793772.shtml Similar research documented in National Geographic & Time magazine. Go STRICTLY NO CONTACT for sixty to ninety days. You'll go through many of the symptoms of withdrawal as though you were withdrawing from some drug.
Author webmuse Posted May 15, 2009 Author Posted May 15, 2009 Ok so I haven't posted much of my situation(truthfully, I am a bit embarrased with what I have accepted in my life up to now), but have given my opinion on many other threads. So now I need some advice. ..It has been 6 weeks now. We have communicated thru this whole thing off and on, our last "good conversation" happened to be on Sunday. I told him that at one point I wanted him to jump thru hoops to get me to ask him to come back (you know the game part).. but I realized I really didn't. I also told him I didn't want everytime we were together that I turned into some kind of test.. (ex: so we had to stop by here for him to pick something up, I wait in the car and watch the clock & wonder how much time is respectful leaving me in the car to wait? ..) I told him that I just wanted to not try anymore, I just wanted to be who I was & for him to be who he was and see if we were still compatible. It ended great (no sex!) and we've talked on the phone every day since (and not relationship talk.. just what happened in your day kind of thing..) Well, yesterday, late afternoon, I get served with a summons for court..for a judgment so they can garnish MY wages... for an emergency room medical bill - totaling about 1100 before interest & court cost.. so I call him and tell him -(I don't do emergency rooms except for once 3 years ago when I had insurance.. he, however, goes for headaches..) the 1st thing he asks me is who is it for (DUH!) the 2nd thing he tells me is hurry up and file those separation papers! (Like if I wouldn't have already done this by now could I afford it..) and when I tell him it's too late for that, he has the nerve to say he's "sorry" I told him I had to go and hung up, and I turned off my phone. I still have not turned on my phone, I am still so angry that I have no desire to speak to him over a day later! So my question (if you're still reading my mess!) is.. When implemeting the NC rules, do you tell the person or do you just cut off all contact without a word or explanation?
Author webmuse Posted May 15, 2009 Author Posted May 15, 2009 Quick note: he just called my home phone.. I saw the # and had no desire to answer it, as he was leaving a message I could hear the pissed off tone (not the words!) in his voice.. to me it read "how dare you turn your phone off on me.. " and I really detested the idea of talking to him.. and so I didn't even let him leave an entire message, I turned the machine off.. So am I there?.. Do I have an obligation to tell him?
Author webmuse Posted May 15, 2009 Author Posted May 15, 2009 Good golly people, don't everybody answer at once! =-)
Remy Posted May 16, 2009 Posted May 16, 2009 You are not obligated to tell him anything. The 180 is a series of actions that you take for you. So that you can feel better about yourself and your situation. NC can be the same. You can answer his calls if you want to or you can decide not to - it is up to you. If you decide to answer a call and he questions why you haven't answered previous calls you can tell him you were busy if that helps you. 180 is about not getting involved in the baggage of the relationship. It allows you to have necessary contact with your spouse re finances, kids etc without getting into arguments. You can be pleasant, non committal, non confrontational and just discuss what needs to be discussed and then finish the call. No personal stuff at all. You can continue in this manner forever or as long as it suits you. Sometimes you just need a rest from all that emotional stuff so you have time to just live and be you.
LuckyClover Posted May 16, 2009 Posted May 16, 2009 Because you're scared of the unknown...how long have you two been together? How long has he made you unhappy? When's the last time you loved him unconditionally without wanting love in return? When is the last time you talked to him flat out without hints or subliminal clues?
Author webmuse Posted May 19, 2009 Author Posted May 19, 2009 13 years.. and we've split up before. There's too much past for us to have a future I am afraid. I stayed in the relationship thru drugs, jail, cheating... Then he turns around and tells me he feels like I have not put into the relationship the same effort he has.. I know I shouldn't want this anymore, and I do so well on some days..and then something happens & I am sad all over again. I've told him flat out we were in serious trouble in November & in February...
Author webmuse Posted May 20, 2009 Author Posted May 20, 2009 SO I write him this letter, give it to him.. can’t keep letting you break my heart. You are oblivious to the things that hurt me, even though I've told you many times. I will never understand why you have such a complete disregard for my feelings. You feel as if you’ve put so much effort into making us work and I feel if a phone call here and there is all the effort you are wanting to make, then I don’t need or want the phone calls. I wanted our relationship to come first, I wanted to come first in your life I will put that in with all the other wants that aren’t ever gonna happen. Then you turn around and call about the sunset.. little things like that give me hope… I know it will never be different between us or should I say the same, you are so much happier living where you are, you are happier single, living out of a closet, then you ever will be at home being a husband.. or at least my husband. I am learning to accept this, a little bit everyday. But then I talk to you or spend time with you and I think this is it, this is the magical moment that’s it’s all going to turn around. But it never is, there’s always going to be something else you’d rather do. That magical moment is never going to come! I always end up feeling like 2nd best, like I’m ok to hang out with as long as there isn’t something else better to do. Because you don’t mean it or don’t see it that way, doesn’t make it less painful, for me I still feel it. I’m learning to accept this too, but it hurts every time I have to start back at square one. So I have to stop going back to square one. So I guess it is going to be different this time, I’m really not willing to be hurt by you anymore. I don’t know what the future holds, but I know I need to be away from you for awhile, I need to not be waiting for you to call, or to drop in, or want to do something with me just to be disappointed. So I think until we both decide to call it quits for good, or both go all in to making the relationship work I think we should just not contact each other period. what does he do, call me 2 hours later.. of course I flippin answer.. and what did he call to tell me .. he called to tell me he was going camping til friday.. and then friday he was leaving again to go camping for the 3 day weekend..and I told him it was just plain cruel to call me to tell me that.. oh and by the way, he's going with a mutual friend.. who happens to be female (we share the same name.. so I guess it won't be a problem if he accidentally calls out my name) that he claims to think of as a sister.. and then proceeds to tell me how everything is my fault, because I didn't initiate anything, and until I do he wasn't coming back. So I am more mad at myself for giving him the opportunity to twist that knife again. That was yesterday. Day 1 of true no contact.
LuckyClover Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 and.....whats been happening??? more silence? Any contact?? Attraction? Did he admit his intensions in taking his so called sister... I think you need to go on a camping trip and trip away untill the weekend then pack up and go on another camping trip yeah and on this trip we'll wind down.....come to grips with why we came here to get great. You shall prevaile its like insainity
Recommended Posts