wildsoul Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 Feeling the need for a check in. I try to not talk about my xSM too much with my friends. My grieving process is more involved than I let on. 9 weeks and a few days since the final blow that made me end it. Two calender months! I need to acknowledge myself for sticking to NC, and being unwavering in my decision. That is NOT to say that the feelings are unwavering. I've been cycling through all the stages of grief: First week: Shock. Numb. It was weird that all this went down while I was out of town, being a maid of honor in a wedding of all things. I had no choice but to shut it out of my mind best as I could and BE there for my friends. Next few weeks: Anger. I was so mad! That was my saving grace. It's what helped me through the initial weeks of NC. They say the next stage is bargaining. Dunno. I didn't want to bargain to get him back or strike up a deal with him to start over. What I did do was a lot of bargaining with God to keep him away from me and give me strength to stay broken up. The last 4 weeks: Depression. Lethargic. Sad. Heart-broken. Sometimes, I've felt real progress. I've gone out on dates. Trying to remember why being single is actually fun. Other times, I stay in my robe all day (I work at home) and just feel the deep loss. It's hard going to places we used to go when the memories of him adoring me come flooding back. Lonely now. Fretting that I might never have that strong chemistry again in my life. Now, I seem to be shifting again. Maybe it's acceptance. On a good day, I notice that a single woman's life is easier in some ways. I'm vastly relieved to no longer have worries over whether or not xSM would get divorced. I have only myself to answer to. What's a little troubling to me in this phase are some of the painful awarnesses bubbling up. I'm starting to see how he deliberately got me hooked by doling out all the future talk with me. Today, I did something I have NOT done yet, and that is read back thru some saved emails. There is SO many from him declaring how we are soulmates, and how he wants to spend his life with me. I know sometimes girls start projecting that stuff on men, believing that's what he wants, but the guy doesn't actually ever say it. Not so in my case. It's all in writing. I have mixed feelings in response. On the one hand, it stirs up a little bit of longing for "that dream," which is why I haven't read thru them until now. I'm stronger now. But what I'm also seeing now is painful: I see the manipulation in it. It hurts. I feel stupid for beliving it. I can't tell how much of it was real feelings he had, or if I just got played. Somehow, this makes me feel really bad about myself. I'm accepting the end of the relationship. I'm having a hard time accepting that I willingly got involved with someone who manipulated and hurt me so badly.
stampdaddy Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 I'm having a hard time accepting that I willingly got involved with someone who manipulated and hurt me so badly. Hey now, don't be so hard on yourself.. You are doing GREAT! You ARE taking the right steps for YOU and YOUR life. Sure it hurts, sure it sucks, but this path you are on now is the ONLY path you should be on. Life stinks sometimes, you "trusted". You "loved". You "believed". You "hoped". You got "screwed over"..... But what else can you do? You will do ALL of those things again, and it WILL work out for you. Just keep your chin up, little pig (from a movie) and you will be A-OK.. ((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))) and XXXXXXXkissesXXXXXXX and, well, I will stop there....
NoIDidn't Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 (((wildsoul))) Its a cycle that you will go through over and over again with shorter and shorter stints in each stage as you grieve this relationship. We've all been in some sort of relationship with people that hurt us badly. We've all kept trying to see the good in the person that we knew was starting to cause us pain. That person could have been a lover, a girlfriend, a neighbor, you name it. We've all done it. No need to use that fact as something to beat yourself up about. Even after you reach acceptance, you'll go through the stages again - but this time for yourself. Acceptance isn't just about the situation we are mourning, but about accepting ourselves and our decisions, for better or worse. You'll be fine and you're doing GREAT!
jwi71 Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 Would you characterize this cycle as normal following a breakup WS? Has this cycle happened in the past?
pkn06002 Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 Just take it day at a time and know it does get easier as time goes on.
Author wildsoul Posted May 7, 2009 Author Posted May 7, 2009 Would you characterize this cycle as normal following a breakup WS? Has this cycle happened in the past? Most of it is what I would call normal grieving. Same as deaths. Same as breakups. However, the intensity is only comparable to one other relationship I had. In that case, I was with a guy for about 2 years. We lived together at one point. He put me through hell by blowing hot/cold, culminating in him cheating on me with OW's and *drumroll* a prostitute in Vegas. The similarity between xSM and xBF is that I had overwhelming chemistry/attraction with these guys that made ending the R's harder. And all the mixed messages they put out was very confusing. Guys that are jerks have to work double-time to keep a girl in the game, yanno? What's different (besides the decade between them) is me. I did a LOT of work on myself in those years. Obviously, nowhere near "done," but I did a better job this time. (I was suicidal at times from that previous one.) Conversely, I had a marriage in between those two, and it ended SO gracefully! He wasn't abusive though, and didn't blow hot/cold the same.
xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 Well its only been 2 months, you are doing so well and are very strong. There are good days and bad, and your bad days seem to be getting less. Now you are out of the situation you have also recognized that sometimes when we have that special chemistry with someone which doesnt come often, we overlook all their negative traits. As if its ok for them to treat us badly - whether that be verbally abusive, not calling when they say, neglecting us or whatever. Like the most important thing is that magical sexual/romantic connection and as long as thats there with a person it doesnt matter if they are otherwise not very nice people. That addictive feeling we were talking about on my thread - that we just have to be with them come hell or high water, and that all the pain is worth a few hours here and there of good times. You did put up with a little bit of abuse from your xSM but then in the end you saw sense and told him to leave - so you have closure and on your terms.
xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 However, the intensity is only comparable to one other relationship I had. In that case, I was with a guy for about 2 years. We lived together at one point. He put me through hell by blowing hot/cold, culminating in him cheating on me with OW's and *drumroll* a prostitute in Vegas. The similarity between xSM and xBF is that I had overwhelming chemistry/attraction with these guys that made ending the R's harder. And all the mixed messages they put out was very confusing. Guys that are jerks have to work double-time to keep a girl in the game, yanno? What's different (besides the decade between them) is me. I did a LOT of work on myself in those years. Obviously, nowhere near "done," but I did a better job this time. (I was suicidal at times from that previous one.) Conversely, I had a marriage in between those two, and it ended SO gracefully! He wasn't abusive though, and didn't blow hot/cold the same. Urgh, when they blow hot and cold that is just the worst eh? It really messes with your head doesnt it???
jwi71 Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 Most of it is what I would call normal grieving. Same as deaths. Same as breakups. However, the intensity is only comparable to one other relationship I had. In that case, I was with a guy for about 2 years. We lived together at one point. He put me through hell by blowing hot/cold, culminating in him cheating on me with OW's and *drumroll* a prostitute in Vegas. The similarity between xSM and xBF is that I had overwhelming chemistry/attraction with these guys that made ending the R's harder. And all the mixed messages they put out was very confusing. Guys that are jerks have to work double-time to keep a girl in the game, yanno? What's different (besides the decade between them) is me. I did a LOT of work on myself in those years. Obviously, nowhere near "done," but I did a better job this time. (I was suicidal at times from that previous one.) Conversely, I had a marriage in between those two, and it ended SO gracefully! He wasn't abusive though, and didn't blow hot/cold the same. Let me see if I follow you... Abusive bf breaks up and its HARD to let go and move on (heal/recover). Amicable divorce with "normal/healthy guy" and the recovery is short and not as...wild? painful? I think you get the idea. Meet xMM and he is abusive like the first. And the breakup is again hard. Why? Are you inherently "drawn" to "bad" men? By this I mean...do you fall harder/deeper for them versus "the nice guy"... Thoughts?
pkn06002 Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 jwi71 there is something about an affair that does intensify everything, why no idea. The only thing it is comparable to is your first love. It is very strange and therefore takes longer to get over. For some people it is the first time you really do fall in love. Again I know strange but true.
jj33 Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 WS you are doing great. I just found an old email in my desk from over a year ago, the only one I ever printed out. I remember printing it out so I would remember he had nothing more to give after the A ended than he did while we were together - and that wasnt enough. It was from one of the times that we talked about working things out after it was over. I had that same pain you are talking about. And it made me feel so silly that I even entertained the thought that things would change for almost a year after it ended, which was around the time I joined LS. It does pass. And you are moving past it quickly. Much as it doesnt feel like it when you are going through it. The awareness of what hooked us into it, what kept us in it, what issues it triggered and what issues it soothed - there are always issues it soothes otherwise there is no rason to be in a relationshp with someone going through a tricky divorce or even moreso someone who is married. I guess that is what you call the hook. The problem is there are also the triggers (the flip side of the hook). Keep doing what you are doing. It is working well for you.
Author wildsoul Posted May 7, 2009 Author Posted May 7, 2009 JJ, yes. I didn't print one, but I did "flag" a few emails along the way. I saved some of the blowing hot ones, with all the soulmate speeches, but also some of the really icky ones he sent after I'd broken up with him the first 2 times. So today, when I wanted a dose of anti-love, I read those flagged ones. Sent me reeling a bit though. I have been well aware, since I met him, what the hooks were for me. A mix of positive motivators and some needy vulnerabilities. JWI, you asked, "Are you inherently "drawn" to "bad" men? By this I mean...do you fall harder/deeper for them versus "the nice guy" I've asked that myself a lot in this lifetime. My dating history is a mixed bag. My 2 longest relationships were 8 years each, and those were with wonderful men. It's not quite that I have bad-boy syndrome, at least not all the time. Yet those relationships did get stale for me and I moved on. One thing that is perhaps at play is this though. I'm not a very conventional person myself. I've got a wild streak. I'm adventurous. I'm creative. I like passionate sex. Men that are very conventional socially and in bed bore me to tears. Yet as far as monogamy and loyalty go, I'm true blue. Finding a hot sexy guy who's ALSO monogamous, who's also grounded in his career and so forth is like finding a unicorn! That's my holy grail. So I toggle back and forth between the good boys and the bad ones. For the love of god, it's it possible to have both of those in one package? Preferably a tall, lanky, age-appropriate package?
jj33 Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 Oh my WS I totally agree. I work in an ultra conservative world, where most of the people are very conventional (or very into being ultra hip and trendy which is a form of sheepdom in and of itself) and I am not conventional. I am true blue and have some old fashioned values but I am outspoken and dont see the world the same way as most of the people that I meet and interact with. And I scare most of them on a certain level because they live within very contrained lines and want to be married to people who follow those rules. I am "exotic" - "like a breath of fresh air" - but not a match for the long term. It is indeed like finding a unicorn.
Author wildsoul Posted May 7, 2009 Author Posted May 7, 2009 Oh my WS I totally agree. I work in an ultra conservative world, where most of the people are very conventional (or very into being ultra hip and trendy which is a form of sheepdom in and of itself) and I am not conventional. I am true blue and have some old fashioned values but I am outspoken and dont see the world the same way as most of the people that I meet and interact with. And I scare most of them on a certain level because they live within very contrained lines and want to be married to people who follow those rules. I am "exotic" - "like a breath of fresh air" - but not a match for the long term. It is indeed like finding a unicorn. YES you are! It's one of the reasons why you and I click so well!
SerenityX2 Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 Finding a hot sexy guy who's ALSO monogamous, who's also grounded in his career and so forth is like finding a unicorn! That's my holy grail. So I toggle back and forth between the good boys and the bad ones. For the love of god, it's it possible to have both of those in one package? Preferably a tall, lanky, age-appropriate package? I hope you don't mind a respose from me.... To the bolded, absolutely! That's my husband...but please don't misunderstand or think I want to brag on this. As I've explained before, and won't bore you with the long version, but I'm since I stumbled on this site and this particular forum, I'm compelled to try to help. This is why the mentality that only OW should post or that it's even "just" OW or BS's that post here and the wars that ensue....What I'm getting at is just b/c I'm happily married and never been an OW doesn't mean I haven't had my share of crap and lously r'ship choices in the past. You're well on your way to healing....it shows tremendously the stages are normal. I've always enjoyed your writing style it's one of the reason's I've followed your story. Anyway it absolutely starts with you and knowing beyond the shadow of a doubt what you will and won't tolerate, and when it shows up the first tiime, you walk away. You know you should receive respect at all times and expect/accept nothing less. If they say they will call, they do....no game playing. Listen to your gut, we have that sixth sense for a reason sometimes we choose to ignore it....that will land us in trouble every time. Once I became happy on my own without a man and in my life in general, that's when I attracted a quality guy. I too didn't beleive I would find someone with my strong grounding and belief system and the hot passionate stuff, but I did when I wasn't expecting to. He still gives me butterflies, not every second/every day...but it's there, it's melted into something beyond what I could have imagined...sure we have life hardships but not in the r'ship b/c communication is a foundation. And even when I'm going crazy with school and stuff....when we connect we CONNECT and that bond keeps increasing multi dimentionally. One thing I can say that I relate to is the euphoria, the people that I had that with was "too" high in the clouds and destined to crash, I experienced people addicted to the idea of being in love as well. I suppose maybe it's not "as" intense as what the OW describes to going through but it was nonetheless a crazy "high" feeling. I didn't have quite that euphoria with my husband but that's not to say that the chemistry still wasn't through the roof, it was grounded with an ease, something that made me feel safe if you will. I always had a sense of peace, as giddy as it was in the beginning and happy 24/7 initially, of course that intensity fades a bit....but like I said, we're living proof that it can still exist on a strong level but in a healthy way. I hope this made sense, long day at school with a disaster drill and trying to get my head together to study for my boards that I want to take shortly after graduating in June....so I'm a little brain fried right now, but I hope I was able to offer even just a bit of light for you. Take care...you're doing awesome.
Author wildsoul Posted May 7, 2009 Author Posted May 7, 2009 I hope you don't mind a respose from me.... To the bolded, absolutely! That's my husband... You certainly don't have to make disclaimers for me. Thank you for responding now and past posts as well. So if I got you right... Correct me if I'm wrong... But I think I heard you say... :bunny: UNICORNS EXIST :bunny: :) UNICORNS EXIST :) :bunny: UNICORNS EXIST :bunny: Yay!
Soaked Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 I'm having a hard time accepting that I willingly got involved with someone who manipulated and hurt me so badly. Hi Wildsoul, I went thought similar phases like you do... i am in that "acceptance" too. In a way I'm surprise how even all our stories are different but yet over all there are a lot of similarities! I'm just like you, there are some days I felt good, and some days some little things just hit me and made my heart twitch. I asked what you said above to myself a while ago, and especially had a hard time when I let myself been fool last time. But I also learned I have to forgive myself too, if I don't, who will?
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