Loving Too Much Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 My story: Six months ago I began dating a wonderful lady. She walked into my life and there was no denying that we were good for one another. It took a little time for me to be able to completely submerge myself into the relationship.....but I finally found a way to give her my all. I had come out of a bad bad relationship almost 8 months prior, so needless to say I was quite timid. The relationship was absolutely great. Laughing, touching, holding, loving.....great. When we had dissagreements, we would simply talk them out. It had the makings of a mature long lasting relationship.....I was finally truly happy. However, about a month and a half ago she texted me saying we need to talk.....the worst words ever. So I meet her up and she proceeds to break up with me. This came out of left field for me....blindsided completely. Her reasonings were because she needed time for herself and to be herself. What does being yourself include that would be impossible while with someone you love? The obvious thought would be that she wanted to date other people. She said absolutely not. She want on to tell me how I am a person that she could see spending the rest of her life with. That I am a good man and a great boyfriend. Then goes on to tell me that the timing was just all wrong. I have never had so many nice words mean so little in my life. I was crushed. Throughout the next 5 days she would send me random texts and such. I kept everything short mainly because I had no idea what she was trying to do. On the 5th day we started speaking much more. We decided that we would meet one another the next day for dinner or something of that nature. Later in that evening I recieve a text asking if she could come see me right then. There has never been a moment so wonderful as when she walked through that door and into my arms. We were back together!! I was timid once again.....I did not want this to happen again obviously. She told me over and over how she found her answers and thoughts during those 5 days. She found that it was me she was looking for and how absolutely lucky she was to have me back. Like I said I was a little scared. She wanted me to give everything I had back to her again. We worked through it all.....spoke about it all...and finally I found a way to give it all again. I believed her when she told me that she knew what she wanted. It was wonderful. That was somewhere around 3-4 weeks ago. All was well until 2 days ago. I recieved the text of we need to talk again. THere was no way this was happening again, NO WAY! So I meet her up once again just to be told the same exact thing. She needs time for herself....to be herself. I am told that "It's not you, its me". She said that she didn't want to prolong this and she was mainly affraid of me hating her. I couldn't believe this was happening again. We got back together....I believed her when she told me that I am what she wanted. She spent time trying to fix what she had done....wanting to be with me...just to end it a month later. I do not understand that. The day of and even during the breakup she is telling me that she loves me. Calling me pet names and being sweet. I kept it short....kissing her on the cheek....telling her that if she ever really needed me I would be there. (Something I probably should not have said) As I turn to walk away she says please don't hate me.....I just kept walking. The only insight I have is that she felt like I was too jealous. A week and a half ago her ex of 2 years walked into the picture. They have been hanging out, getting lunch, bar hopping...etc. This came out of no where for me. I DID feel uneasy. Wouldn't that be normal? Everytime I tried to express myself and what I felt was bothering me she would get upset. She would tell me that she feels like she is in the doghouse. The thing is, its not like they have been friends forever. This is recent. So why wouldn't I feel uncomfortable about it? I would never disrespect my SO in a way like that....especially if it made them uncomfortable. She always simply blew it off as me being unreasonable and that I had nothing to worry about. I was painted to be someone who was jealous...when infact I was worried sick. I want to know why she couldn't treat me with the same respect that I showed her the entire realtionship. Why did she come back...convince me and love me just to leave again? I sent her an e-mail covering most of how I feel. I don't expect a reply. Just curious if I will ever hear from her again. Something is just not right about all of this.....
Tizzy Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 If you never hear from her again consider it a huge blessing.
Author Loving Too Much Posted May 7, 2009 Author Posted May 7, 2009 Am I wrong for feeling that way about her ex? Maybe i was just blowing it up to be something it wasn't. But still....other people would feel strange about that as well right?
carhill Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 Monkey-branch woman. Back to ex she goes. Twitter, twitter. Ex not green enough leaves on branch. Back to you she comes. Don't hate me, I'm woman. So sensitive. Goat dung smells better
JadedHeart Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 Hey! This happened to me, but not twice but three times. I was almost in the exact same situation. One day you have to realize if you really love someone they'll be consistent with you. Were you ever wishy washy with her? Regardless of what she says, she does not want to be with you. No matter how many times she says she misses you or wants you it's all hogwash. I cut her out of my life for good, even though she was crying eff that. When someone wants to be with you they will, there will be no excuses. Nothing can stop them from being with you, she apparently does not. Sorry man keep your chin up you'll find someone more deserving, I know that sounds cliche but it's oh so true.
Author Loving Too Much Posted May 7, 2009 Author Posted May 7, 2009 I never once gave her any reason to think that I would leave. I always respected her thoughts and opinions. I always put her feelings first....always thought about if something would bother or hurt her. For some reason I truly believe this is easy for her. I was always the voice of reason and comforting. Never once did I or would I threaten or even act like I would leave her. I don't deserve that....or this....
Author Loving Too Much Posted May 7, 2009 Author Posted May 7, 2009 I want to share the e-mail I wrote her. It just helps me to put these feelings out here. I know that she views this board on occasion. I know she did the last time we broke up. So if she is reading this, just know that I do not understand any of this. You have given me nothing to understand. The only thing I know is that you are happy now. Forgive me for posting about you.....but I cannot speak to you....as you would never reply. Hello, I am not sure where to start. I feel as though something is not right. I feel as though I have been lied to for some time. Let me explain. When you broke up with me for the first time you seemed certain for the reasons. There was not a better feeling in the world then when you came back and we were holding each other. I knew there was nothing that could seperate us. You explained to me how you found all the answers you needed. How it was the biggest mistake in the world......and how lucky you were to have me back. You would tell me over and over how this is something that couldn't and wouldn't ever happen again. What happened to those feelings? I know they did not just disappear over the last month. I understand you are scared. I understand that you want time to be yourself. What does being yourself include that would be impossible while with someone you love? It makes me sad to think that two people that love each other as we say we do, could just toss it away. I understand that you feel as though you want your freedom. I never took that freedom away. I also understand you a little more than I think you give me credit for. I understand that when under stress, scared or worried, that you make decisions that ultimately you regret. Is this decision one of those? That I don't know. I have been a good man and boyfriend to you. What doesn't add up is the fact of how much you said you loved me. How much you cared and never wanted to lose me.....but yet it comes as no problem to just kick me aside. This leads me to think that you did not love me as much as you say you did. When you truly love someone you don't just walk the other way...... When we got back together I was worried. You killed those worries by telling me how much you love me and wanted me and convincing me that you knew what you really wanted. It took a little time but I came to trust and believe in you once again. I believed your words, all of them. I found a way to give everything I had again, for you. When we told each other that we can and would work through any issues (within reason) I believed that 100%. I will miss out on you tonight and the plans we had made awhile ago. That makes me sad. We will miss out on the movie tomorrow. That makes me sad. But most of all, we will miss out on each others hearts and touch. That makes me sad. We will miss out on everything that we could have had.............I am dissapointed in how this happened....I feel like a sucker because I believed everything you told me.....even after you left the first time. I just don't understand how you are over me just like that. I would always take care of you and love you. Do you know how hard it was for me to give you all my love. I loved you unconditionally....do u realize what that means? I love you.... But the fact remains that if you don't love me, there is nothing I can do to change that. Take care of yourself lady....I will miss you and us. Your bee & hiring manager ,
See_ya_on_the_flip Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 IMHO-sounds like you need go to NC NOW! Let her see what she's missing... (how can she see that if you are always available as a "friend", NOT. .........and don't worry she'll call, WHEN YOU DON'T! Then it's up to you man. It will work out, have faith in the universe Peace
Author Loving Too Much Posted May 10, 2009 Author Posted May 10, 2009 I really feel as though i was lied to. Most everyone I have spoken to would have felt strange and uneasy about the EX situation. Am I right? I will not contact her....seeing as she is the one who left. It burns a little bit to know that she is happy. I want her to be happy.....but I feel it was at the cost of my happiness. When you love someone you would not treat them this way. You would be honest. You would not brush their feelings off as something small. I was made out to be a jealous manipulationg person.....just because I felt strange about her and her EX hanging out all the time. Not once did I ever get a sense of security about that subject. Instead all I got was her being irritated about me talking about it. I guess that means she didn't love as she said she did. Anyone else feel as though I was oeverreactiong to the EX situation?
nature Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 I'm a woman, and I'm going to give you the truth. I'm sorry if this hurts. She is back with the ex. She did not want to hurt your feelings by telling you that, so she told you she just needs time to herself. In fact, I just said the same thing to a guy who just asked me out. I'm not interested in him, so as not to hurt his feelings and tell him the truth, I told him I'm not wanting a relationship right now and just want to be by myself. What i told him is BS. The truth is, I just don't want a relationship with him. However, I'd never dated him, but he's wanting to date me, so I am trying to fend him off by not being too mean. And maybe it is mean to say it this way to him, but sometimes it's hard to let someone down. Your ex was trying to let you down easy. I'm sorry. I have a sense she's been in touch, ga ga over this other guy the whole time you've been dating her. That's why her flip flop. Now that the other guy wants her, unfortunately, you get dumped. I hope you believe my words. Because I am telling you the truth. Please do not write her anymore. It will stroke her ego. She wants the other guy for whatever reason. Maybe he's a challenge. Maybe he dumped her so she was secretly pining over him. Who knows. Who cares. The bottom line is you got dumped for someone else. You are trying to fool yourself into believing that's not true. Trying to convince yourself she is just "friends" with the ex. It doesn't work that way in a woman's world. Sorry.
WTRanger Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 This isn't directed at girls, guys and girls do this tactic. It's a cheap one at that. It's also not directed at anyone in particular, so the you reference is just a vague reference. Plain and simple. It's spineless. Yes, the truth might hurt but the lie hurts even more. You say you don't want to hurt feelings or let someone down, but stringing them along is by far the WORST! Here's what it comes down to. You like the attention the person gives you. You don't want to cut that off, so you lie. The classic, "It's not you, its me" line only gives them hope that one day in the future you two could be together. So you give them a line of BS, but yet it keeps them giving you unrequited attention. It's weak. You don't know it, but the BS line hurts infinitely more than the truth. Yes, the truth hurts but it's the damn truth! Set the other person free. If you really, truly cared about the other person you'd tell them the truth. By giving them BS, you don't care about them and you only care about the attention. You want unrequited attention? Get a dog! Have I fallen for those lines? Hell yea I have. Only after being burned one too many times have I finally been able to wake up. But, I'm just a human being with feelings and chances are I'll fall for those lines again. But I'm smarter now not to try to hang around once I hear those words. Yes, this girl is back with the ex. Cut her out of your life. When she comes back to you, just walk away. This is hard, I understand. But you've got to start seeing this girl as the attention whore that she is. Yes, someone can be a whore without being sexual.
carhill Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 Yes, someone can be a whore without being sexual. Oh, yeah, those are the worst. They dance around friendship like it's the maypole. Attention-whore, prick-teaser combo.
lora22 Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Wow I'm sorry, that's terrible. WTRanger is right in using the word spineless - your ex is doing what's easiest for her, which is to not be honest with you about why she's ending the relationship (clearly to be with her ex, who she wasn't over to begin with). It takes guts to be able to be honest about personal deficiencies, to man up and give you a reason she's breaking up with you, rather than an excuse. In other news, now you can go about finding someone who deserves to be with you, and who has the qualities you're looking for in a partner.
DJMarky Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Wow, this sounds all too similar, except I would say my situation was worst as there was the ex and a new guy I had to worry about. Basically my ex was hanging out with her ex ex all the time. On her birthday he took her to an expensive restaurant, bought her gifts etc and he didn't even know I existed. Whenever I brought this up she would get angry, in fact she told me she wanted space so told me not to come to the hotel room we had booked, and spent the night with another guy! She then started hanging out with this new guy all the time, even ignoring my phone calls to stay at his house. This resulted in me breaking up with her (for the second time in our relationship). She then sends me meaningless smses, saying she can't stop thinking about me, wants to talk about us, the other guy means nothing, she is bored of him, she hasn't slept with him etc etc. When I didn't want to get back together, or even be friends with her she blew up and started rubbing in my face her cheating ways, she had no intention of telling her ex about me etc etc. Basically I cut her from my life completely and I suggest you do the same. Some women are wired that way. They need constant ego boosts, and having guys chase after her is the only way they receive this gratification. These girls are not worth your time. The only way to get over them is to ignore them and cut them off completely. You will just be another guy that wants her affection which is all she wants, don't give her that satisfaction.
Left in a Lurch Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 The best way to deal with those messages where they say they miss you and basically just torture you, is to answer, "I guess missing me is the punishment for the choices you made. After what you put me through I only hope it doesn't hurt as much for you as it did for me. I wish you well." Pretty much says it all and gives you a good clean break without being a bad guy and without having to go through it all with her again because that is just what will happen if you let it.
DJMarky Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 The best way to deal with those messages where they say they miss you and basically just torture you, is to answer, "I guess missing me is the punishment for the choices you made. After what you put me through I only hope it doesn't hurt as much for you as it did for me. I wish you well." Pretty much says it all and gives you a good clean break without being a bad guy and without having to go through it all with her again because that is just what will happen if you let it. Personally I wouldn't want her knowing that I was ever hurting. This will just let her know that she did have an impact on me. The one time I did reply I just told her not to send me that ****, then I just started ignoring them after I got advice on here. If you get a sms, do not bite on the bait, do not reply. Saying you hope she feels as bad you felt just makes her go, 'aww he was hurting, I do have some power over him'.
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 What sort of conversations did you have about her hanging out with her Ex? What did she say they were doing? What was the general tone of the discussions? This is one of the reasons I broke up with my last BF. He got sarcastic and "girly" and irritated the heck out of me whenever I got a text or email from an ex, whether I replied or not. Ex's are ex's for a reason. I met up with one for coffee before I started dating this last guy, and the bf and I had already been talking, so he knew about it. Well, since I had coffee with an exBF he took that as me still being interested. wtf? I broke up with him for alot of reasons that I had shared with the bf, and I was single then, and whether or not I am dating someone, having coffee with an ex or a girlfriend does not lead to sex for me. Alot of posters are telling you "she's with the ex". Is she? Was she really hiding it from you? If so, then she sucks. And I'm sorry she tried to hide it. But maybe it was innocent and you really did send her away with your accusatory tone.
Left in a Lurch Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 I don't see a problem communicating that she hurt you. She knows you were invested with her and her actions had a consequence, she did have that power over you and abused you. Nothing wrong with being honest that you were hurt and are moving on because of what she did.
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