movernshaker Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 A few years ago I met a wonderful man. In the beginning, I was afraid to admit that I had strong feelings for him. It didn’t take me too long to realize that he had some feelings of his own. We became good friends and I felt extremely comfortable talking to him. We shared some of the same interests, friends, and hobbies. I had to say goodbye to him a few weeks ago, as I moved out his city. We had many ups and downs during our relationship. However, we always managed to come back to being close. I realize now how much I miss him and didn’t want to say goodbye. I moved out of the area for specific family reasons but never told him why. I didn’t want to move but felt it would be best, for other reasons. This hurts more than I ever thought it could. I think he believes I moved away because of him. This is not true. I wish I could have had the courage to be more vocal about my feelings. I just didn’t know how he would react, after some of the hard times we have been through. I was hurt before by some of his actions, but I forgave those long ago. I don’t know if it’s too late. My city is not too far away, but I just don’t know what he is feeling right now. It may just be too late. Even though I felt I had to move, I truly thought he would try to continue the relationship despite the move. This was a relationship that I valued and looked forward to strengthening every day. I wish I could speak to him again, but he would have to contact me. I would gladly welcome this. This is probably wishful thinking. I know that some people would tell me to move on, but it is not easy. Yes, this man is married. Now I know why they say that breaking an emotional connection is more painful than breaking a physical one. I know that whatever happened or happens is for the best, and I'm very glad that I got to spend time with this man. I just needed to get my feelings out and sort through this.
Author movernshaker Posted May 7, 2009 Author Posted May 7, 2009 Does anyone have any good advice on how to heal from this? This experience has been one of the best and hardest experiences of my life. I really did have enormous love for this man and did not prepare myself well for the ending. It's still painful. Unfortunately, there aren't too many people around to tell my story to. I know that in time, I can remember him without feeling like this. I just wish that I could have had more time with him and not wasted time with harsh feelings, at times. I guess that my first step towards healing will be to stop having regrets and remember how truly beautiful this relationship was. It was something completely unexpected. It just hurts that it's over. I have accepted this fact. Thank you to anyone who reads this. I feel a little better just typing it.
wildsoul Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 Hi there. I'm glad you bumped your own thread. I admit I read it earlier, but there wasn't a question. I didn't know what you wanted. Okay, so your question is about how to heal for this? One thing that will help is re-framing it. For example, it sounds like you see this R as something very big and important that you lost. Understood. But to move on, you are going to need to resize it. Your future needs to look bigger and even more important! (and it is!) So you might look back and say Wow! Look at all the strong feelings this brought out in me. I felt so alive. I want more of that with someone who can really reciprocate. Then you start to look at healing as a stage that opens the door to MORE love (not less.)
carhill Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 When you said goodbye, was it a sincere and honest meeting? I ask because I did this, many years ago. I remember saying "I can't live with you lying to your husband" and "I have to let you go". Fast forward 16 years and I heard recently that, essentially, she felt that I never wanted to see her again. I said, for me, it was either to say goodbye and deal with the hurt, or go insane. That's literally how I had felt at the time. The bitter (or perhaps bittersweet) irony is that, today, saying goodbye as friends would be horrifically more difficult for me than the goodbye to romantic illusions was all those years ago. It took almost 2 years of being alone before I felt I could go out and date. That still haunts me. I hope you find your path less painful
Author movernshaker Posted May 7, 2009 Author Posted May 7, 2009 Wildsoul, thanks for responding. I think that I just needed to hear another perspective on this. Resizing this situation is a good idea. I do have a lot of promising things going on now and am looking at a bright future for myself. I have my family and friends to bring me and share in my joy. I know that all will be fine, in the end. As I type, I realize that I am already working through things. I will always have fond memories of this time, but am ready to partake in whatever life throws my way next. I think that I just like to analyze things that are difficult to get through, especially painful times. Thanks.
Author movernshaker Posted May 7, 2009 Author Posted May 7, 2009 Carhill, I think that the worst part of the situation was that I didn't want to say goodbye and end things. At the time, I thought why do things have to end? I also couldn't tell what this man was thinking. He handled everything so smoothly. I didn't know if he had been over it for ages already or was just that good at hiding his feelings.
carhill Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 Well, for him, I don't know. Men compartmentalize feelings and people, generally. I can tell you, at the time, my friend seemed completely unfazed, where as I as devastated and it showed, even if I was the proactive one. It was only many years later, just recently, I began to understand that it was a pattern for her, being emotionally detached, so my apparent distress registered very dimly to her, absent the reality that I wouldn't "be there" for her anymore. I remember her saying (a couple years ago, when we reconnected) that she was sorry if she had inadvertently hurt me. This told me she really had no understanding of that time, perhaps because of her own pain. So, you see, the issues and motivations and effects can and are very individual. Since this apparently meant a lot to you, finding your particular brand of closure should bring you peace. As you moved for other reasons, not him, I'm unclear as to why you said "goodbye". Relationships can continue over distance, at least at a different level. Was this a combination PA/EA? Lastly, some men process these things as "OK, this was good; now it's ending and I'll find something else to take its place; life goes on" It's a pragmatic approach. He had no control over you leaving and accepted that and processed it cognitively. No need for emotions to get involved. Some men are like that. They think everything, even relationships. Happy I'm not one of those
Author movernshaker Posted May 8, 2009 Author Posted May 8, 2009 No this wasn't a PA. I waited for this man to make a move to continue this emotional relationship, as I was too scared to do this. I guess that . I figured if he was interested in continuing things, he would make another attempt. Maybe he was interested or maybe he was no longer interested. I don't know. I thought he was, but I could have been wrong. I know that I should have told him my real reason for moving. That would have been the proper thing to do. Well, we all make mistakes and life goes on. Thanks.
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