Leveller Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 I have known my ex *****, for about 16 years on and off. She is eight years older than me, I am 36 soon and she is 44 has her own home and social life. We started seeing each other when I worked in a city 3 hours away from the village we grew up but had to move back there when I lost my job in October last year. People have always said that it wouldn't last and that we are worlds apart but we get on brilliantly and have continued to spend regular time together since we split in February (a joint decision) and slept together twice last month and once this month (with real emotional feeling from both of us). However she is seeing someone else outside of the village where we live, I believe since March, and he is my complete physical opposite. I believe a rebound. She has told me a great deal about this new man partly through my own prompting and partly through volunteering it. At Easter she rang me when I was away, they had argued and 'split up', and she had had a drink. I said 'We should be together', she said 'I know, but I don't know whether I can cope with your lifestyle' - meaning academia. Two or three days later she said she couldn't remember the conversation and they are back together - but she keeps him at arms length. I thought this might happen but find it confusing to say the least. Her family like me and I them and her son says out of all the people she has dated I am the one he likes most and I get on very well with her father. Neither like her new man and I get the impression from her best friend that she doesn't like him either. I love her and believe she loves me - she does say 'I love you as a person'. However, other people worked against us, as did circumstances, but I want her back. People will probably tell me to move on, and they might be right, but I absolutely want a second chance. Any advice, short of simply 'move on' (which I am doing slowly) would be greatly appreciated. I have had two other long term relationships but no children. I think she is afraid to love me, afraid of lasting committment but also afraid of losing me completely. As and when I leave to a new job she has said she will miss me. I think she will wake one day, whether in the near or medium future, and think 'what have I done?'. I hope she realises this sooner rather than later; it might just be a question of time.
BCCA Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 However she is seeing someone else outside of the village where we live, I believe since March, and he is my complete physical opposite. I believe a rebound. She has told me a great deal about this new man partly through my own prompting and partly through volunteering it. At Easter she rang me when I was away, they had argued and 'split up', and she had had a drink. I said 'We should be together', she said 'I know, but I don't know whether I can cope with your lifestyle' - meaning academia. Two or three days later she said she couldn't remember the conversation and they are back together - but she keeps him at arms length. I thought this might happen but find it confusing to say the least. The bold part is all you need to hear. "I know, but" means that she knows you would take her back, but thats not what she wants. And it doesnt matter what she said afterward, its all just roadblocks. See, when someone TRULY wants to be with you, love knows no boundries. When they start feeding you a load of crap about why it wont work, they dont want it to. Her family like me and I them and her son says out of all the people she has dated I am the one he likes most and I get on very well with her father. Neither like her new man and I get the impression from her best friend that she doesn't like him either. Doesnt matter. My ex's family wanted desperately for us to get married, but she didnt want to, so that was that. By the same token, my family HATED her after what she put me through, and yet I still stayed with her. You see it all the time, women stick with guys who EVERYONE they know HATES - because the only thing that matters is how THEY feel around that person. she does say 'I love you as a person' Disclaimer and a serious red flag. You love your friends as a person, not your lovers. Shes basically saying she doesnt wish you ill will, and wants you to find happiness - just with someone else. I think she is afraid to love me, afraid of lasting committment but also afraid of losing me completely I know how you feel, but honestly - she just wants you as a back up. She isnt affraid of losing you, she would just rather you stuck around in case she needed you. I went through the same thing before, and my ex said she was affraid of losing me forever, but she never called me again or made any attempts to contact me after I said we cant be friends. That should tell you something, its not YOU she doesnt want to lose, its a 'Plan B' continued to spend regular time together since we split in February (a joint decision) and slept together twice last month and once this month (with real emotional feeling from both of us). STOP DOING THIS!!! NO MORE SEX!!! Look, Im a guy, I know its nice to get laid, but youre basically sacrificing your self worth to keep her temporarily happy, but you know shes not looking for another chance, she probably just wanted sex. And you dont know how she was feeling emotionally, and dont think for half a second she couldnt put on an academy award winning show to get what she wanted from you. I think she will wake one day, whether in the near or medium future, and think 'what have I done?' Everyone thinks that. Here is the truth though: she'll never do that. Thats crap that happens in the movies, women usually decide theyre done with you months before they let you know. By the time you get word, its far too late. And even in the rare circumstances where she wonders if she made a mistake, shes never going to say 'oh what have I done', she'll go 'oh well'. I absolutely want a second chance There are probably THOUSANDS of posts from people who wanted one as well on here, 99.99999% of them didnt get one because the other person didnt feel the same way. You see, it doesnt matter what you want. If shes not interested, its a lost cause. You cant convince someone youre the right one for them, they either feel that way or they dont. Unfortunately, it seems she doesnt. Here is the ONLY move you have: NO CONTACT. Dont call, email, text, smoke signal, etc...nothing. At the same time, dont respond to any of ehrs unless it says she wants to talk about getting together again. Anything short of that is a waste of time. I know how it sucks to keep hearing 'move on', we all do. We wish there was SOMETHING else, another way to get another chance. There just isnt though. It really sucks, I've been there, but if someone doesnt see you as the guy they want to be with, youre out of options. All you would do is waste your time, and feel like complete s**t, over and over again. Dont do that to yourself!
Author Leveller Posted May 9, 2009 Author Posted May 9, 2009 Thanks people for your replies. I take your comments on board, it is what I would say to someone in my position. However, every situation is unique. At the moment she is having her cake and eating it. I am strong enough to move on without her and have been doing so and equally she is prepared to lose me to someone else. However, I strongly suspect that we will get back together and think it's a matter of time. She has seen positive changes in me in recent months and when I asked her 'Why arn't we back together?' all she could say was 'I don't know'. She has also admitted more than once she will probably regret it if we don't get back together. The bitterness we felt towards each other, and the reasons we both agreed to split up, have largely dissipated. The person I am concerned for is her current 'boyfriend' - they have argued and finished in such a short space of time with NC it's not funny. I asked her yesterday p2p what she see's in him beyond 'he's a nice guy' and all she could say was 'I feel sorry for him'. The reason being he's not got over the death of his wife 5 years ago and his place is a shrine to her. She rang me last night when she could have texted and said she was going to spend the night at his. She got no reaction from me, and I think she was trying to make me jealous (she is concerned that I will meet someone else...she's not sure I haven't already). There was no reaction because I am not clinging on to her or anyone. I am tough enough not to care. Whether we get back together in the short or medium term (or not at all) I cannot for the life of me find any reason why she is playing him along. I think he is going to get hurt and I feel sorry for him - as I would for anyone else in this situation. I would be interested if anyone has any thoughts.
Author Leveller Posted May 9, 2009 Author Posted May 9, 2009 One other thing I forgot to say. She claims she stopped herself falling in love with me because she didn't think we were going anywhere. When she was falling for me I felt indifferent. It was only in the last six months of twleve that the situation reversed.
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