This is troubling..

[mylovegrowsdeeper]

So bf & I are LDR at least for the next 2 months..we had a really good day together most of yesterday. I had purchased a wireless ear piece which allows us to shar emore time together, because I can getting things done while we speak etc. Anyhow everything was fine, then I came back to msn and switched to chatbox. I had mentioned how sad it was that some people I knew were getting divorced. He started going on about this rant about how women cause the demise of things and said women are dimwits. As you can imagine, I'm a little offended by this I mean HELLO I'M A WOMAN. I said "babe.. ah nevermind" he responded with "good choice". I was like wow wth is this.. anyhow I try to put a positive spin on things and to get my point across and tell him, when he talks about me being competent and able to do things, it makes me feel good and confident. His response to that was "sadly, that doesn't seem to happen."

 

 

I reply with "me being competent?" he says nevermind I say is that it? he says "nothing". Then he starts talking about how I need reading comprehension classes, and calls me the mother of all assumptions. Then I tell him I feel like I'm being talked down too, he brings up something I did in the past (not cheating btw) and says "tell me that's not a dimwit?" "Show me a woman who isn't a dimwit and I'll give you a gold medal, they are all dimwits and they always make the wrong f*ing choice but of course women can do whatever they want cause the universe was created for them, but heaven forbid a man does something that makes them feel talked down too." I was like wow wow wow wow wow wow. (I didn't type that, it's just what was going off in my head)

 

After that he told me he was signing offline, I said "yeah bye" and he left. He hasn't called or written since. I'm really hurt.

[bean1]

How long have you been dating? Is he secretely one of the misogynists from the dating forum? He is an *******.

[mylovegrowsdeeper]

He got f*cked over bad (is an understatement) in his last divorce. I don't mean financially, I mean in terms of custody (not from US) and he wasn't allowed to see his son for a very long time during the divorce hearing. They had been together 12 years and now he gets to see his son once every 2 months. I'm not trying to make an excuse for his behavior- but I have suspected that while he's over his wife- I don't think he's over the betrayel etc. and I think it's soured him, but he won't admit it.

 

Yeah I don't know, I hope he's having a nice conversation with himself at the moment and realising what he just did yesterday and facing that he's got issues. Which is fine, it's fine ot have issues but for the last 3 months we've been together all I've been hearing is how we've been dealing with "my" issues and that everything he does is a result of my actions. Yeah, sure *flips hand out. It's never been this blatantly bad though, yesterday that was just bad. I just want to shut down and distance myself from him.

[bean1]

So have you guys been together 3 months?

 

This is a damaged man and he has a lot of issues to work through. You are not a punching bag for something that happened before you knew him. You said 'last divorce'? Is this is 2nd divorce? Having dated someone separated (or so I thought? I'm still not clear to this day), I would say that a lot of things that these men say about their exes' is worth a steaming pile in the ground.

 

Be very, very careful when dealing with a man damaged from a divorce. I hate to say this, but with his attitude, I'm not suprised why he ended up divorced. It sounds like you are just getting to know "the real him".

[Maggs]

Wow! That is horrible. Being burned in the past is no excuse for him to treat you like this. He's punishing you for problems other women have put him through and that's not fair. He's angry at them, not you. And if he's truly like that, regardless of what the other women did to him, then he's a real arse! Kick him to the curb!!

 

He was purposely stirring up stuff to get you start an argument and make you upset and that is not on!

[taurus27]

I agree with the above postings, I would also like to add that no one and I mean NO-ONE deserves to be spoken to like that and if he cares / cared for you he would never speak to you like that! If my SO spoke to me like that I would be dumping him. Sorry if reading this is upsetting its just my opinion, take care of yourself!

[Island Girl]

If my SO spoke to me like that I would be dumping him.

 

I second and third this.

 

I would never have the ability to tolerate being put down especially with blanket statements that are not true.

 

Also dealing with 3 months of talking about *your* issues and him laying all blame for any of his problems on you -- well, honey, you deserve a frickin' medal.

 

Now that you have done your charity work for the year you should cut it off and move on.

Before you waste any more time.

You aren't going to prove yourself to him or show him he is wrong about things because the only things he'll see and focus on are any negatives. And no one is perfect (although he seems to think he is!).

 

A friend of mine was married to a guy like this. She got stuck in this cycle of always thinking everything was her fault and constantly beating herself up for making her husbands life so difficult.

It was as if he'd brainwashed her.

 

Eventually the marriage ended -- HE left HER -- and once she got a clear head she was so happy just to be rid of the albatross around her neck who constantly criticized her.

 

He has remarried. And now is going through another divorce.

 

She has remarried and is blissfully happy with a man who adores her. She has a better job and has said she would not have even applied for it before because her ex had her so convinced she was stupid and could do nothing right.

 

Please don't waste any more time with this tool.

[mylovegrowsdeeper]

Thankyou all for your opinions, but I have not been fair to you or him. I wanted someone to be on my side because I was hurting, but I did not accurately express his side of the story. I've lied to him repeatedly and it's broken his trust in many ways, to him lying is as bad as cheating, so the damage done to him and what he has to get over is equivalent to me having cheated on him several times.

 

Even though I have done that, he still believes in the positive in me and has remained supportive throughout. To that avail, I have been making a lot of changes but I'm not so sure I would have had it not been for his support. I am sure the story would change quickly to which one of us is the "tool" and which one of us is the bad partner in the relationship if you'd all have known that from the get go. If anyone cares to express that, that's fine. But for once, at that moment I just wanted to feel like someone was on my side.

 

 

I think for the majority that is why we come here; so we can tell our story and our version as it feels to us in that moment when we're emotional and hurting, and other people can offer us sympathy and put the salve on our fresh wounds.

 

Anyhow, so as you can see, he's been through a lot of hell at the hands of my actions and he's still there for me, which cannot by any means be an easy feat on anyone. I am pretty sure if he were ever to write a post about the things I've done that were hurtful to him, the shoe would switch to the other foot and everyone would be urging him to dump me.

[LonelyTiger]

I am curious as to why you would both want to stay in a relationship that appears to be destructive on both sides.

 

People who love one another don't lie, cheat or emotionally abuse one another!

 

I didn't reply to your original post, but with the other side of the picture now filled in I have to say I would agree with everyone elses opinion and, as you say, if he posted his version here, I would probably say the same to him.

 

A successful relationship does take some effort but it should be worth putting the effort in for. If this is a pattern for the two of you I just wonder why you're bothering to stay together.

 

I also find it strange that you didn't post the whole story to begin with. It's a bit like asking someone to comment on a painting or a photograph when half of it is covered up!

 

Even if you are after sympathy, it's surely not going to mean much if the people who offer their advice misunderstand the situation and don't really know what's going on. That's why you see a lot of people on the LS forums asking for further clarification before they give their opinion to the OP. Just my thoughts.

[mylovegrowsdeeper]

I am curious as to why you would both want to stay in a relationship that appears to be destructive on both sides.

 

People who love one another don't lie, cheat or emotionally abuse one another!

 

I didn't reply to your original post, but with the other side of the picture now filled in I have to say I would agree with everyone elses opinion and, as you say, if he posted his version here, I would probably say the same to him.

 

A successful relationship does take some effort but it should be worth putting the effort in for. If this is a pattern for the two of you I just wonder why you're bothering to stay together.

 

I also find it strange that you didn't post the whole story to begin with. It's a bit like asking someone to comment on a painting or a photograph when half of it is covered up!

 

Even if you are after sympathy, it's surely not going to mean much if the people who offer their advice misunderstand the situation and don't really know what's going on. That's why you see a lot of people on the LS forums asking for further clarification before they give their opinion to the OP. Just my thoughts.

 

 

LT - The whole side of the story goes much deeper beyond the negative things that happened. If you notice, people don't often speak about all the good things happening in their relationships, they talk about the negative. That said, for me the good outweighs the negative and that's why I continue to make it work. If you're thinking "well there's a lot of negative" Fair enough, then let it stand that there's that much more good. He has a very loving and genuine heart, and that's what has stuck me to him since the start. I've lied to him a lot in the past, but I've made a very earnest effort at being open and honest with him, I've stumbled but I get back up on the horsey and keep trying to do things right. So I guess what I'm saying is- that's what happened in the past, and every day I have to start over with the intention to not repeat. So, it's not as though we stay together and I just keep trucking along the same road. Believe me, the changes I'm undergoing now are holy crap.

 

I'm starting to realise that his outburts might appear "emotionally abusive" to an outsider, but nothing could be further from the truth. He gets angry and frustrated with me and he's still healing from what I've put him through, that's all. I'm sure it's very similiar to what MANY betrayed spouses go through- the anger, the outbursts etc.

 

He's hurt by what I have done; understandablly but he's not controlling and looking to tear me down just so that I'll never leave his side- understand that the root of all abuse of that nature is to control another person; that is not what is going on or what takes place between him and I.

 

So, that being said there you have it. Yes, in an ideal world no one hurts their partner, they never lie to them, they never cheat on them, they never say a hurtful word. But if you look at many of the posts strewn all through this forum, that's the opposite of what happens in the real word. In the real world, people know the right thing and choose the wrong thing; people like me do that and all we can do is what I'm doing now, trying to change that. I do care very much for him and he cares very much for me also.

[LonelyTiger]

Mlgd - You have no need to justify your relationship to me or anyone else on this forum. All our relationships are different - if you feel satisfied that yours is working and you are both doing what you can to put the past behind you and move forward then I wish you well.

 

It does sound as though you have some major hurdles to get over though. When somebody posts a message like yours which suggests a lot of hurt and anguish, most of us here will offer our best advice in a sincere attempt to help - based on the information given.

 

You are right that we don't know everything about your situation - only the two of you know that and only you can decide whether to stay together - regardless of what anonymous forum posters may think. Personally, I prefer my relationships to be a little less fraught!

[Island Girl]

I am like minded with LonelyTiger here.

 

In all fairness I try to give an honest opinion of the situation and would appreciate not getting a slanted view.

 

A few of my friends are friends that I know will tell me the truth of how they see things even if it means telling me I am being thick headed or a total b*tch (yeah - it happens) and I appreciate it immensely. It is always what I WANT to hear but it is always what I NEED to hear.

 

Here at LS we have all inds of relationships. And there are plenty who are working through problems such as infidelity, etc.

 

Most here want to give supportive helpful advice or opinions. And sometimes that doesn't mean it is what you are looking for but helpful "need to hear" info.

 

I wish we had more of a clear picture in the beginning.

As it stands, I still think some of the things he is saying are wrong. Those blanket generalizations about women are just wrong no matter how you slice it.

But I understand he is hurt and often we say things out of hurt that we don't necessarily mean. Hopefully you can address this in the future.

 

I am sorry you lied during the course of all of this. Trust is hard to regain but if you are willing to put in the effort then perhaps you can get things back on track.

 

Why did you feel the need to lie in the first place?

Did you feel you had to hide things from him or something?

[mylovegrowsdeeper]

I'm not looking for any more comments or opinions on this matter. If anyone would like to say anything bad about me, that's fine I don't care but don't comment on his intentions or actions anymore please. Thankyou.