Nikki Sahagin Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 After having a couple of completely psychotic days in which I sobbed like a baby, considered suicide, kissed a friend, got smashed on two bottles of wife and actually felt I had just fallen off the brink of sanity....I have now become numb, almost emotionless, I am on autopilot completely. Sometimes I feel the emotions bubble up, but then the numbness settles in again. The last time we broke up I couldn't eat or sleep at all. Now I can do both. Its like there is no emotion in me at the moment, so i'm just getting by. I feel the feelings are going to resurface like a b**** at some point, probably after I get through my exams, birthday etc. But in this eerie calmness i'm in, I would say, we should all just be KIND to ourselves. If you're anything like me, you gave and gave and gave, and they took and took and took. When we got back together it was ME, not him that gave the world. I text him, I was the one spending money even though i'm a student and he has a full time job, I took him on dates, brought him presents, wrote him cards, cuddled him to sleep, looked after him for 5 days when he had a VERY BAD ILLNESS, not caring if I would catch it, brought his mum flowers, helped tidy his room. And I NEVER felt like I was being a mug because I thought these actions are a part of love. I loved to care for and look after him. Sadly he just stopped being able to do the same for me and dropped me a week and bit before my exams, bday, travel plans, my uni ball. This could have been and should have been one of the best months of my life. He has stopped that from being able to happen. I think when you give so much, then when it ends, you feel exhausted, even a bit self-loathing. You have nothing left for you. Ideally you give to them, they give back to you, and so the love you're giving, you are getting back. When you give with no returns you are taking from yourself, until you are empty, drained, incapable of caring for you. The first thing I thought was, what do I do to make ME happy? What makes ME happy? What relaxes ME? He stopped doing it. I focused on him. I lost track. I am still lost, stuck, desperate....but I know I need to be kind on myself, precisely because he wasn't. None of us are bad people. We do not deserve this. I know we will all be back in that impossible spot, but please when you get there, remember the little girl or the little boy that you once were; who deserved love and care. Be gentle on that person. Be kind to that child. Don't let a bad partner kill the love you had for you.
Biggie25x Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 Nikki, I think that is a well written post. I hear myself in your words. It is hard to describe what it's like to love someone who says they love you but continues to not show it in their actions. They way you feel drained and lost, not knowing who you are. The loss of identity when there is no more "we" and you have to think of "we". And the pain that comes when they say they don't want to be involved anymore. How could that happen when you gave everything you dad? It doesn't matter! Life goes on. You must take care of yourself and worry about you. It will get better. You must stop thinking of them. You have to get yourself in a place where you have self respect again. Than and only than do I believe that you start the road to recovery. In the mean time, worry about you. Keep busy. See friends, family things that you haven't for a while. Don't worry about them. realize you are better off without someone who doesn't truly love you. That even though they dumped you, you are better off without THEM. Keep your chin up. Take one day at a time. Deal with the present and prepare for the future. Don't let it overwhelm you by trying to take care of it all at once. It takes steps. Keep posting, it helps. Ask me how I know.
SimplyIzzy2010 Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 Hi! Both your posts are amazing, very, very inspiring. What I want to share with you both is the power of prayer. Before my life crumbled I did not believe in God, I doubted everything, but having a God was not important to me, because I was consumed by him. When he left... When I was on the verge of giving up on life completely, When I could no longer get out of bed, I heard Him. He helped me get up from my bed that day, when I thought it was all over for me. Ever since then, I have read the bible, I have gone to church, I have discovered Him. Everyday I pray to him for strength and the power to overcome. Although I still feel so sad at times, I pray to God and it makes me feel better. Because He loves you no matter what.
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