sambagirl Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 It's not at horrible as it sounds hehe. I have this friend, who I'm now dating. He's been my friend for around 10 years, and well, our friendship developed into something else recently, frankly I don't know why I never saw him that way before, maybe we're more mature now (we're both 28); whatever it is, it's been great. We both have more or less the same goals, have a great time together, have a lot in common, just a really good fit. So the other day he tells me that he doesn't know if we should keep seeing each other because I dated a close friend of his some 9 years ago. It wasn't really a serious thing, I was too young and I guess you could say I broke his heart. I've seen my ex a few times since then and we don't hate each other or anything, we're not close but we've talked a few times and everything's fine, he's been in a serious relationship for a few years and probably getting married soon. So I mention to my friend that that was a long time ago, and that my ex/his friend probably doesn't even remember me or care if I date whoever, I tell him 'that was 9 years ago' and he's like damn that's a long time, I thought it was less. But then he said that's a rule between friends or something so.. what am I supposed to do? I don't think my ex cares if his friend dates me or not, at this point. It's really not fair to me, and I really like him, so I don't know what to do, maybe the best thing to do would be to break all communication with him, since that's such a big deal to him. I would appreciate some advice, thank you
SoulSearch_CO Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 Weird. It's so out there, I would almost consider it an excuse on his part to not date you (a pretty poor one, at that). I think there's a statute of limitations on this kind of thing and I'm positive you've passed it. If he wants to be all uptight about something so silly, that's his issue. You can't MAKE him want to date you.
jayOG Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 I would literally snap my friend's arm in half if they ever dated one of my exs...Just a thought... There is definitely a code among men. It's just something you just don't do. Kind of like a betrayal of trust and lack of respect. I pretty much expect the same from any of my friends. No time limit on these kind of things... The psychological factor is that the current friend you are dating is highlighting his friend's inadequacies because he was unable to make the relationship work with you. There is also the fact the friend may still have feelings for you... Falls into the category of respect... And if you say they were close friends there is a bond that doesn't overide any female male bond. Also your current guy is kinda picking up leftovers from his friend. I don't mean to be offensive, just trying to put it in perspective. Also you said you might have broken his friends heart, guys stick together, I would tell you to take a hike if my friendship with that person was valuable to me... I understand that this all sounds a bit irrational and doesn't make sense considering the both of you are mature adults and this happened a long time ago... but think about it this way, what if all your friends hit on your boyfriend or attempted to steal him from you as soon as you broke up or if you were placed in the close friends situation... don't rationalize, but empathize with how the close friend might feel...friends are there to help not hurt.
dreamergrl Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 Weird. It's so out there, I would almost consider it an excuse on his part to not date you (a pretty poor one, at that). I think there's a statute of limitations on this kind of thing and I'm positive you've passed it. If he wants to be all uptight about something so silly, that's his issue. You can't MAKE him want to date you. Exactly what I was going to say! I also think maybe he's using it as a reason why he doesn't want to date you. Maybe it's weird for him since you have been friends so long. I would literally snap my friend's arm in half if they ever dated one of my exs...Just a thought... There is definitely a code among men. It's just something you just don't do. Kind of like a betrayal of trust and lack of respect. I pretty much expect the same from any of my friends. No time limit on these kind of things... The psychological factor is that the current friend you are dating is highlighting his friend's inadequacies because he was unable to make the relationship work with you. There is also the fact the friend may still have feelings for you... Falls into the category of respect... And if you say they were close friends there is a bond that doesn't overide any female male bond. Also your current guy is kinda picking up leftovers from his friend. I don't mean to be offensive, just trying to put it in perspective. Also you said you might have broken his friends heart, guys stick together, I would tell you to take a hike if my friendship with that person was valuable to me... I understand that this all sounds a bit irrational and doesn't make sense considering the both of you are mature adults and this happened a long time ago... but think about it this way, what if all your friends hit on your boyfriend or attempted to steal him from you as soon as you broke up or if you were placed in the close friends situation... don't rationalize, but empathize with how the close friend might feel...friends are there to help not hurt. Not a good example, it's been nine years since, and this was a young relationship. People grow between 19 and 28.
WTRanger Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 I agree, 9 years is beyond the guy-law limits. Because if my friend wasn't over his ex of 9 years ago, I'd kill him instead! Plus you two are both much more mature now and you can be civil around your ex. You might need to pry more information from this guy if you want to pursue him. I speak from experience, when a guy think he's been completely "friendzoned" it can be hard to switch out of that mindset.
jayOG Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 Exactly what I was going to say! I also think maybe he's using it as a reason why he doesn't want to date you. Maybe it's weird for him since you have been friends so long. Not a good example, it's been nine years since, and this was a young relationship. People grow between 19 and 28. Point is that friends aren't suppose to harm friends, an extreme example to get the point across, doesn't have much to do with the situation, but stresses the friendship issue. People grow, but emotions often remain. Apparently based on the original post they are still close or shared a significant bond. From a guys perspective you just don't do it. Anyways it's respect... Don't date your friends exs...
dreamergrl Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 Point is that friends aren't suppose to harm friends, an extreme example to get the point across, doesn't have much to do with the situation, but stresses the friendship issue. People grow, but emotions often remain. Apparently based on the original post they are still close or shared a significant bond. From a guys perspective you just don't do it. Anyways it's respect... Don't date your friends exs... At the age that they dated, it may as well have been a highschool relationship. So much changes by then. OP actually state it wasn't even serious. Yes, respect between friends is important, however, if the ex is on his way to marriage, I highly doubt he's going to have issues with his buddy dating a girl he had nearly a decade ago.
jayOG Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 At the age that they dated, it may as well have been a highschool relationship. So much changes by then. OP actually state it wasn't even serious. Yes, respect between friends is important, however, if the ex is on his way to marriage, I highly doubt he's going to have issues with his buddy dating a girl he had nearly a decade ago. But you are trying to rationalize an irrational situation. The OP wanted advice, but needs to understand his reasoning. Is it fair to her that this is his reasoning, absolutely not. It is what is and it's up to her to persuade him that their relationship is worth it. Logically based on societies standards and reasoning, you would move on, move forward, live your life... As far as people concerned, we don't do that. Many people are illogical, counter productive, and emotional. Emotions have a way of overriding time, high school relationship or not, it still might have meant a lot to him, some people never get over certain things. Just can't definitively tell what is going on in her current boyfriends head or what ties he has to her old b/f. Her best bet is to persuade him as best she can.
dreamergrl Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 But you are trying to rationalize an irrational situation. The OP wanted advice, but needs to understand his reasoning. Is it fair to her that this is his reasoning, absolutely not. It is what is and it's up to her to persuade him that their relationship is worth it. Logically based on societies standards and reasoning, you would move on, move forward, live your life... As far as people concerned, we don't do that. Many people are illogical, counter productive, and emotional. Emotions have a way of overriding time, high school relationship or not, it still might have meant a lot to him, some people never get over certain things. Just can't definitively tell what is going on in her current boyfriends head or what ties he has to her old b/f. Her best bet is to persuade him as best she can. I don't think it's an actual reason. I think it's that he's so used to being friends with her, it's hard to step beyond that point. So he finds an excuse. Many people try to use another rationalization to avoid something they aren't comfortable with, or aren't sure how to deal with. Finding another reason is easier then confronting the actual situation.
Recommended Posts