Is pornography beneficial or detrimental to a relationship?

[JackJack]

I guess I sit somewhere in between, in that porn is a form of entertainment, a tool, just like wrestling and tractor pulls. It's not the tool that's so much the problem, as the people who overly-consume it or find it detrimental, even when it's minimal consumption. The minute anything becomes a sticking point in your relationship, it's not about the tool itself, it's about insecurities, power, control or addiction. You're either going to prioritize your relationship or you're going to prioritize yourself. Guess which one helps relationship viability?

 

I'm pretty much a fence sitter on it. I'm not saying I hate it, but not saying I love it either. As I've gotten older its just something I could take or leave. Its also something that will not take the place of my relationship. Nothing on a computer screen, TV or magazine can replace that of a meaningful relationship.

[a4a]

Personally I don't want to take the chance of any of them happening, the pleasure in porn is not worth the risk of a real impact on my life. Do a search sometime for "porn addiction" or something like that. It's not hard to find men who describe their lives literally being ruined by porn. They got into it when young and thought it wasn't a big deal. Then they got married and it really bothered their wife. They tried to stop and now found they actually had a really tough time doing it, even though married with a regular sexual outlet. Many are eventually left by their wives.

 

As others have pointed out, many people can use alcohol without problem. So is porn less addictive, the same, or more addictive than alcohol? Statistics are hard to come by.

 

For an individual I'd suggest the following. If you use porn and really feel it's not an issue, prove to yourself that you really could give it up if you needed to, that you are the master of porn and not the other way around. Go without for 3 months, totally cold turkey. Prove that you really are in control here, and if you did ever want to marry a woman who couldn't accept it, at least you would have the option to give it up.

It's too easy to tell yourself that it's not a big deal--all alcoholics make the same claim that they can stop drinking whenever they want. The only way to know if it's really not a big deal to you personally is to prove it.

 

Scott

 

Why in the world would you want to marry any person that doesn't accept your sexual desires or the way you are?

 

I like porn and that is who I am. I use porn. If you don't like it but still want to be with me don't expect me to change.

 

You could substitute - I am a vegetarian.

I am a smoker

I use foul language

I am gay

I am a racist

I am religious

I like dogs and will always have one.

yada ya da ya.

 

 

I am a vegetarian my H is not ..... If I see a BK bag in the truck I don't threaten him with divorce over it. I just tell him I will kill his pet chicken and cook it for him. Seriously - being a vegetarian is loaded with more ethical issues than mere porn could be and I knew he ate animals when I met him. So I shut up and deal with it.

 

Am I supposed to eat meat for 3 months just to see if I can change to be with a meat eater?

[amerikajin]

Look, I myself wouldn't have a problem with it. I'm just saying that if the partner does, then maybe the person should consider which is more important to them...the porn or the relationship. That's all I'm saying.

 

I'm not judging those who are into it.

 

That's pretty much how I see it as well.

[Scottdmw]

Why in the world would you want to marry any person that doesn't accept your sexual desires or the way you are?

 

I like porn and that is who I am. I use porn. If you don't like it but still want to be with me don't expect me to change.

 

You could substitute - I am a vegetarian.

I am a smoker

I use foul language

I am gay

I am a racist

I am religious

I like dogs and will always have one.

yada ya da ya.

 

 

I am a vegetarian my H is not ..... If I see a BK bag in the truck I don't threaten him with divorce over it. I just tell him I will kill his pet chicken and cook it for him. Seriously - being a vegetarian is loaded with more ethical issues than mere porn could be and I knew he ate animals when I met him. So I shut up and deal with it.

 

Am I supposed to eat meat for 3 months just to see if I can change to be with a meat eater?

 

 

 

I don't think anyone is saying that being a vegetarian is an addiction. Obviously you could stop that if you chose. The point is that many people _can’t_ stop porn even when they have very good reasons to and really want to for their own sakes. That makes it potentially addictive, at least for some people.

 

It sounds like you are married. If it is really true that you use porn and it's not affecting your marriage in a bad way, then you don't have to worry about that. My specific advice here was intended for people, especially men, who are not married but might want to be in the future. It is easy to say find a woman that likes you the way you are, but there seem to be an awful lot of women on this board that do have a big problem with porn. They don't seem to be able to just “deal with” or “get over”. It seems like exposing yourself to a potential porn addiction could significantly reduce your dating pool.

 

If, to some particular person, porn is important enough that they would rather have porn then be with a person who is otherwise compatible, then they can make that choice. I would personally question whether it really is a choice though, or whether they are actually addicted and don't want to admit it.

 

I take your point that there are other things like loving dogs etc. that people consider deal-breakers in relationships.

 

 

Scott

[subdued]

Yes, porn can be a deal breaker. It is for me. So are the following:

 

Someone who smokes if he isn't willing to quit or if his body has already deteriorated due to smoking.

Someone who uses foul language all the time. Foul language is a big turn off for me.

Someone who is gay (purely because I want a man, and if the man is gay, then he is not going to be sexually attracted to me).

Someone who is a racist if he doesn't like someone solely because of that person's race. However, I've lived in different countries. There are some cultures that I like better than others. And people from different cultures are different. So I can understand it when someone doesn't like a certain culture. However, we still need to respect each others culture. And with the Internet everything is becoming more global. We will all be mutts one day far in the future, not unless there is a climatic event that causes areas of the Earth to become isolated from one another.

Someone who is christian.

Dogs are okay if he walks it.

[Tenny]

In my past relationships porn has never been a problem. I openly admit that I occasionally view porn, but it isn't something I did very often or ever needed. Some of my g/f's thought it was stupid but as long as it didn't affect our sex life then they did not mind. One of my past relationships, porn was beneficial to the relationship. We would watch it, and kind of act it out. It helped re-kindle the sex life for that relationship.

 

The most current relationship I was in though, it was very detrimental to it. I mentioned at one point my friends were going to a strip club, and she was highly offended by that (even though I was not going!). Then porn was brought up into the discussion. She said she knew that I viewed it on occasion, but she did not agree with it.

 

I explained to her that porn is not a replacement for her in anyway. She still didn't like it because I was looking at other girls, I tried my best to reason with her, that despite I was looking at these other girls, I wasn't fantasizing about being with them. Half the time I'd start viewing porn just to get aroused, then my fantasy moved into thinking about her. Then she started accusing me later of watching porn if I left the bed not being able to sleep...

 

It was very strange to say the least, as this was the first relationship where it was a problem, and I was viewing it less than ever as the sex was very good. She would also view pornographic images from time to time. Her computer background was of a nude cartoon girl even! I felt it was a double standard, but I gave up porn for the sake of the relationship.

 

As with everything, there are a ton of conditions that need to be evaluated to decide if porn is beneficial or detrimental. Each relationship has different boundaries, and the couple has to respect those. If it helps the relationship by either a place for one of them to release when the other doesn't want to, or if it increases their sex drive in anyway. Though if one of the partners does not like it, then imo it's best to just give it up.

[Jersey Shortie]

I think people are navie to say that porn hasn't affected their view of women or sex. The current culture has had a heavy porn influence and I think that is very obviously reflected in society. I also am greatly concerned for the young boys and girls growing up in a culture with such easy accessible and hardcore porn right at the finger tips.

 

Overall, I think long term porn hurts relationships and society. Short term gratification out weights that for most peope however and many men are willing to stand up and defend their porn or their right to porn then willing to stand up for their own partner.

 

Can anyone really name a way porn has contributed to the success of society? I know I can't. I can't think of one thing positive in the way porn depicts women. And i can't really think of one thing positive where men all over the world with mothers, daughters, sisters, wives and girlfriends are happy to add to the treating women like they are nothing behind closed doors. We aren't in the days where a man was sneaknig a peek at a boob in national geographic. The medium of what porn is today i think is quite frightening for gender climates. Women and men aren't at more harmony and peace today. I would even say the are in less harmony and I think porn has been a major factor in that. It seems the current culture ideals is that as logn as a man gets his doubly, he doesn't need to be truly loyal or commited to his partner. The porn is what matters for many men. Men well over 40 with familes and wives are looking at the same porn of men in their 20s. They certainly aren't looking at women their own age. What does that same to all the women out theregetting older? Apparently women are nothing and are allowed to be treated as worthless as long as it's in the confines of his bedroom on his laptop.

[amerikajin]

I think people are navie to say that porn hasn't affected their view of women or sex. The current culture has had a heavy porn influence and I think that is very obviously reflected in society. I also am greatly concerned for the young boys and girls growing up in a culture with such easy accessible and hardcore porn right at the finger tips.

 

I think porn is like alcohol. It's okay, but in moderation and with disclosure. I think it's unhealthy when a guy lets porn interfere with his normal sexual relations or when it becomes so addictive that it interferes with his daily routine, regardless of whether he's single or in a relationship. If a man is in a relationship, then the wise thing to do is to communicate openly with his partner about his views on porn, and how that fits with his partner's perspective on the matter. As a general rule, though, I don't think there's anything wrong with a guy getting his rocks off to the image of a stranger. If you take that away, he'll just wank to mental images of people he sees in everyday life. You can't control sexual thoughts.

 

I would even say the are in less harmony and I think porn has been a major factor in that.

 

I doubt porn is a driving force; it's probably a symptom of the bigger disease, which is that industrialized societies don't place a premium on raising future generations of children. Thus, industrialized societies are less family-oriented and more individualistic. People don't feel connected to each other as they once did. We're less likely to marry, less likely to stay married if we do, and less likely to produce children as the result of both. We live long and accumulate wealth, but we also have more expenses required to sustain ourselves over the course of a lifespan that has nearly doubled in length over the last century. Porn is merely reflective of a culture that has the luxury of being a little more self-indulgent than generations past. Nothing a good global plague or war can't take care of, though.

[kizik]

Yes, porn can be a deal breaker. It is for me. So are the following:

 

Someone who is gay (purely because I want a man, and if the man is gay, then he is not going to be sexually attracted to me).

 

I completely agree. I REFUSE to date a lesbian.

[missdependant]

Oh god... don't get Jerseyshortie started.

 

There's already an entire book written on this subject in the next forum over, on the subject of porn and strip clubs..

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=186455

[Jersey Shortie]

I think I have a little stalker on my hands.

[Dexter Morgan]

Porn has never affected any of my relationships since I don't go for men who are heavily into it, albeit some did view it, to a reasonable degree.

 

I think someone who is really into porn is usually someone whose wife won't have sex with them or only gets sex twice a month. guy doesn't get sex, isn't a cheater and doesn't want to, so he turns to porn.

[Trialbyfire]

I think someone who is really into porn is usually someone whose wife won't have sex with them or only gets sex twice a month. guy doesn't get sex, isn't a cheater and doesn't want to, so he turns to porn.

I'm sure there are men like that but there are also sex addicts. Creepy...

[clv0116]

Look, I myself wouldn't have a problem with it. I'm just saying that if the partner does, then maybe the person should consider which is more important to them...the porn or the relationship. That's all I'm saying.

 

I'm not judging those who are into it.

 

If a person has issues with common activity _____ it's probably a good idea to come out with that early on. Sort of unfair to reveal a zero tolerance stance on pigeon feeding 2 years after the marriage upon discovery of bags of breadcrumbs behind the broom.

[clv0116]

I think someone who is really into porn is usually someone whose wife won't have sex with them or only gets sex twice a month. guy doesn't get sex, isn't a cheater and doesn't want to, so he turns to porn.

 

Very likely a common case.