Is pornography beneficial or detrimental to a relationship?

[Eleutherios]

In your personal experience, when in a long term relationship with another person, has pornography been mostly beneficial or mostly detrimental to its well being? I'm curious to see what your attitude towards pornography is, and though I understand that pornography's effect depends largely on the people involved, I'm simply wondering how it has affected your personal relationships past and present.

[Trialbyfire]

Porn has never affected any of my relationships since I don't go for men who are heavily into it, albeit some did view it, to a reasonable degree.

 

I have a difficult time taking porn seriously. Between the sleeziness of it, the piss poor acting and the silliness of it, it's not for me. You have to admit that people look pretty ridiculous, when they're doing it.

[Touche]

I've never been involved with anyone heavily into it either (including in my marriage.) That said, when it's been present it's been beneficial...but I'm guessing that that might have to do with the fact that its presence has mostly been mutually agreed upon.

[somedude81]

Frankly I amazed that women even care about porn. Why does it even matter what he does in his spare time. As long as he's not hurting the woman or himself and it's not an actual problem, who cares what he's doing?

 

He likes to look at pictures of naked women/people having sex and jerk off. He's probably been doing it since he was 14. So what? How does that affect the woman at all? As long as it's not an addiction where he rather be looking at porn than doing something else I see nothing wrong with it at all.

[Shygirl15]

Frankly I amazed that women even care about porn. Why does it even matter what he does in his spare time. As long as he's not hurting the woman or himself and it's not an actual problem, who cares what he's doing?

 

He likes to look at pictures of naked women/people having sex and jerk off. He's probably been doing it since he was 14. So what? How does that affect the woman at all? As long as it's not an addiction where he rather be looking at porn than doing something else I see nothing wrong with it at all.

I think we would all be having much healthier relationships if we looked at it this way.

 

Thanks, man.

[Touche]

Frankly I amazed that women even care about porn. Why does it even matter what he does in his spare time. As long as he's not hurting the woman or himself and it's not an actual problem, who cares what he's doing?

 

Well if it IS hurting the woman then it IS an actual problem isn't it? What if I said this: Why should it matter to my H what I do in my spare time? So what if I want to have inappropriate conversations with men on line? So what if I want to see naked men that I don't even know? They're not real. I've never been with a man physically since we've been together. Why should he care what I'm doing as long as I stay physically loyal to him?

 

If you were my H, would that bother you?

 

He likes to look at pictures of naked women/people having sex and jerk off. He's probably been doing it since he was 14. So what? How does that affect the woman at all? As long as it's not an addiction where he rather be looking at porn than doing something else I see nothing wrong with it at all.

 

Get it now? YOU see nothing wrong with it. But if your partner DOES, then it's wrong. Unless you don't give an EFF about your partner. Then you just keep doing what you've been doing. And you'll probably end up alone.

 

You say that he's probably been doing it since he was 14. And your point is? I was doing a lot of things at 14 that I wouldn't do as a mature married woman. So that's kind of a silly argument there, IMO.

[JackJack]

TO the OP, you could always do a search on the effects of porn and see if you feel its more beneficial or detrimental. I mean, either way, regardless of what it may say...only YOU can decide how you feel about it.

[somedude81]

Well if it IS hurting the woman then it IS an actual problem isn't it? What if I said this: Why should it matter to my H what I do in my spare time? So what if I want to have inappropriate conversations with men on line? So what if I want to see naked men that I don't even know? They're not real. I've never been with a man physically since we've been together. Why should he care what I'm doing as long as I stay physically loyal to him?

 

If you were my H, would that bother you?

Actually communicating and having inappropriate conversations with people online is a different matter than watching porn. I'd put it in the same category as watching a cam girl show and cybering with her. I'd consider that pushing the boundaries.

 

Even I don't really see the problem with it as long as it doesn't interfere with the intimacy. But the fact that he does something like that might indicate that something is wrong with the relationship.

 

The same cannot apply for non-interactive porn. Women need to understand that men are very visual. A woman telling a man to stop masturbating to porn is like a man telling a woman to stop fantasizing when she masturbates. And don't tell me that women in relationships don't masturbate and that the fantasies she has are all about her man and no one else.

 

Men fantasize too but it's often about people we know. Would you rather him masturbate to a girl on a monitor that he will never meet or to one of his coworkers?

 

You say that he's probably been doing it since he was 14. And your point is? I was doing a lot of things at 14 that I wouldn't do as a mature married woman. So that's kind of a silly argument there, IMO.

And I'm sure you stopped those things for good reasons.

 

But having him stop looking at porn just because he's now in a committed relationship when it's not causing harm to anybody is just stupid.

 

I'm actually interested in how girls find out that he even looks at porn. I'm betting in 99% of the cases it's because she was snooping around.

 

I remember bringing a girl home and she wanted to use my computer she then kicked me out of my room which was kind of weird. About an hour later she told me that some porn "popped" up and it really offended her. I told her that it's impossible because porn doesn't pop up unless you were looking for it. She completely denied that she was looking for it. I know the only way that she could have found my porn was if she looking through my harddrive, something that she had no buisness doing.

[Touche]

Look, I myself wouldn't have a problem with it. I'm just saying that if the partner does, then maybe the person should consider which is more important to them...the porn or the relationship. That's all I'm saying.

 

I'm not judging those who are into it.

[LucreziaBorgia]

It is usually only detrimental when one partner makes it that way. In extreme cases, where porn replaces sex then it can be said to be detrimental.

 

It has never affected any of my relationships.

[JackJack]

It is usually only detrimental when one partner makes it that way. In extreme cases, where porn replaces sex then it can be said to be detrimental.

 

It has never affected any of my relationships.

 

That's kind of like saying, a spouses drug use or alcohol use isn't detrimental to their partner, unless that partner that has an issue with it makes it that way.

 

A person doesn't even have to be involved with someone for something to be detrimental or at least become that way...Now I'm not talking about your occassional porn use but more so a person who uses it as a substitution or addicted. However,every choice a person makes, will always effect another person to some degree, period. Then that's when the person its effects the most may have to weigh their option on what they feel is best for them to do.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Eh... I dunno. I see substance abuse as something entirely different than your average 'jerking it to porn'.

 

I'm not talking about compulsive or obsessive porn use, just regular old 'bringing out the spank bank' when its time to jerk off, and their partners who snoop, find it and then make an issue out of it based entirely on their insecurity, when before they found out about it - there was no problem at all.

[JackJack]

Eh... I dunno. I see substance abuse as something entirely different than your average 'jerking it to porn'.

 

I'm not talking about compulsive or obsessive porn use, just regular old 'bringing out the spank bank' when its time to jerk off, and their partners who snoop, find it and then make an issue out of it based entirely on their insecurity, when before they found out about it - there was no problem at all.

 

I get what you're saying, however TO ME, to many people think as long as the other person doesn't snoop, doesn't know and/or not questioned about things, then all is well in THEIR world...To me that's even more detrimental with that way of thinking, than what it is they may or may not be doing.

 

I think it all comes down to choice really. The person doing whatever has the choice to do it, and the other person has the choice to either tolerate it or not.

[Trialbyfire]

I think it all comes down to choice really. The person doing whatever has the choice to do it, and the other person has the choice to either tolerate it or not.

You also have to question why porn is a necessity for anyone. If the need for porn trumps a positive relationship, you're an addict, not just a casual consumer for fwapping purposes.

[JackJack]

You also have to question why porn is a necessity for anyone. If the need for porn trumps a positive relationship, you're an addict, not just a casual consumer for fwapping purposes.

 

Well yeah..and that was more of my point along the lines of if someone feels the NEED to have it alot..and that's with anything...porn, drugs, alcohol, etc.

 

I guess my point to LB was more so, that a person doesn't have to even be in a relationship with someone else for something to either BE or BECOME detrimental.

[Just Angel]

Both hubby and I are fans of porn, watched alone or together.

It hasnt been beneficial or detremental, it just is what it is.

 

I did have a bf many years ago that it was a problem for.

Having watched porn since he was really young, he grew up with unrealistic and odd perception of sex and of women in general.

 

Think it all depends on the person, relationship and boundaries.

[mental_traveller]

That's kind of like saying, a spouses drug use or alcohol use isn't detrimental to their partner, unless that partner that has an issue with it makes it that way.

 

 

But drug or alcohol use *isn't* detrimental to a partner, unless the partner has an issue with it. If someone smokes the occasional joint, or gets drunk once a week, why would that be a problem to someone who is cool with it?

[Lovelybird]

Can you improve your relationship by inviting another woman or many women into your bed with your hb? Sounds ridiculous

 

Porn only fans lust in a person, lust for more and younger, and stranger and degrading, how can this improve a love relationship between real persons? Why do people need to use porn to excite their sex life? because they lack of substantial love for each other that they have to use stimilus from somewhere else?

[gopher]

I've read where the largest jump with online porn the past few years has been women viewing it...

[subdued]

Porn is a fill-in for when someone isn't getting enough sex. It shouldn't be used if one has a partner who has needs and isn't getting his/her needs fulfilled because the other person is looking at porn.

 

Porn can be very humiliating to the other person, mostly because the other person feels like he/she isn't good enough if his/her partner is looking at porn instead of him/her.

 

I remember when I went into the closet to get something, and I found a picture of a nude girl from a magazine who was touching herself. I was so embarrassed because my grandmother was visiting at the time. I was so embarrassed that she might have seen it. It was this embarrassment that hurt me the most, not the fact that my ex was looking at porn.

[JackJack]

But drug or alcohol use *isn't* detrimental to a partner, unless the partner has an issue with it. If someone smokes the occasional joint, or gets drunk once a week, why would that be a problem to someone who is cool with it?

 

It is very detrimental if the person drinking or doing drugs...changing their personality to the point it effects their partner/kids. I've known funny drunks...who act stupid silly and I've known some who are angry and violent if that happens yes, its detrimental to ALL involved.

 

I also stated earlier this was NOT in relation to the "occasional" use of things. I was looking at it from a stand point of if anything is done in excess.

 

"Why would that be a problem with some who is cool with it?"

 

Most people who do drugs, drink alcohol and watch porn "ARE COOL" with it. And more power to them as long as its not effecting the other person.....BUT there is always that chance.

[fral945]

In your personal experience, when in a long term relationship with another person, has pornography been mostly beneficial or mostly detrimental to its well being? I'm curious to see what your attitude towards pornography is, and though I understand that pornography's effect depends largely on the people involved, I'm simply wondering how it has affected your personal relationships past and present.

 

It depends. Beneficial IME, but I could imagine it would be a problem if:

 

1) I was addicted to it and preferred it over my GF

2) It skewed my view of women enough where I couldn't be physically aroused by a normal, attractive woman

3) My GF had a problem with it

 

I've always used porn when I'm not in a relationship. Even when I am in a relationship I use it. It's especially beneficial when we go long periods of time without seeing each other, or I get the "I'm tired" or "not tonight" lines. I've always had the higher drive in relationships and its been an outlet for me. I have to admit, though, my current GF puts out a lot so I haven't been watching it much lately.

 

IMO if someone has a problem with porn they should make it known in the early stages of the relationship. In most of the relationships I have had the women didn't bring it up, so I assumed they didn't care one way or the other.

[Scottdmw]

It depends. Beneficial IME, but I could imagine it would be a problem if:

 

1) I was addicted to it and preferred it over my GF

2) It skewed my view of women enough where I couldn't be physically aroused by a normal, attractive woman

3) My GF had a problem with it

 

That's pretty well stated. I guess your opinion on whether porn is a problem depends on how likely you think these are to happen.

 

Personally I don't want to take the chance of any of them happening, the pleasure in porn is not worth the risk of a real impact on my life. Do a search sometime for "porn addiction" or something like that. It's not hard to find men who describe their lives literally being ruined by porn. They got into it when young and thought it wasn't a big deal. Then they got married and it really bothered their wife. They tried to stop and now found they actually had a really tough time doing it, even though married with a regular sexual outlet. Many are eventually left by their wives.

 

As others have pointed out, many people can use alcohol without problem. So is porn less addictive, the same, or more addictive than alcohol? Statistics are hard to come by.

 

For an individual I'd suggest the following. If you use porn and really feel it's not an issue, prove to yourself that you really could give it up if you needed to, that you are the master of porn and not the other way around. Go without for 3 months, totally cold turkey. Prove that you really are in control here, and if you did ever want to marry a woman who couldn't accept it, at least you would have the option to give it up.

 

It's too easy to tell yourself that it's not a big deal--all alcoholics make the same claim that they can stop drinking whenever they want. The only way to know if it's really not a big deal to you personally is to prove it.

 

Scott

[blair08]

IMO, I think when two people start dating ALL things should be discussed, especially if they are getting serious with each other.

 

Porn, drinking, drugs, cheating etc.....they should voice their views on it and I think people should have deal breakers as well, and stick to them. I also know that there are times when things are discussed and someone may actually lie to the other person right to their face about something they are either into or not. If they are to coward to be upfront and honest then they have no business in a relationship anyway, and should be left to do whatever it is they lied about to begin with.

[Trialbyfire]

Well yeah..and that was more of my point along the lines of if someone feels the NEED to have it alot..and that's with anything...porn, drugs, alcohol, etc.

 

I guess my point to LB was more so, that a person doesn't have to even be in a relationship with someone else for something to either BE or BECOME detrimental.

I guess I sit somewhere in between, in that porn is a form of entertainment, a tool, just like wrestling and tractor pulls. It's not the tool that's so much the problem, as the people who overly-consume it or find it detrimental, even when it's minimal consumption. The minute anything becomes a sticking point in your relationship, it's not about the tool itself, it's about insecurities, power, control or addiction. You're either going to prioritize your relationship or you're going to prioritize yourself. Guess which one helps relationship viability?