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Posted
Are his friends married too? This almost sounds like a bar scene. Yeah, if guys hang out in bars without their SO, they're going to get hit on...but not if they're not giving out a signal.

 

Listen, you're the BS & you are entitled to every single feeling you have about this - HANDS DOWN! I'm also really sorry it happened, I really am. Matters of the heart are the hardest. I question the "victim" words of his friends.

 

Not all of us OW are throwing themselves @ OM. I was heavily pursued for over a year & was side-swiped by a few close friends deaths & LOTS of stuff going on at home w/ no help. It was a breaking point. What I forgot, after being w/ the same man for 20 years, is that men love a conquest. Nothing's been the same since, OM abruptly changed.

 

The good news for you is that men can have sex w/ no feelings.

 

 

Heather, I never ever said that all OW are chasing MM. I shared my story and it was misunderstood and misconstrued by 2 other posters.

 

I have 2 dear friends who were OW, I've seen their pain, and my heart goes out to them and women like them. I know that MM pursue women for affairs - I've been experiencing that since I was legal. I used to be annoyed that those men thought they could have me. Then I got to a place where I found it hilarious that so many men think that because they tell me I'm stunning etc., I would fall at their feet and indulge their fantasies.

 

Re your thoughts on the "victim words" from my H's friends. That never influenced my perspective on the matter, and it never influenced my decision about how to move forward with our relationship. I discovered everything about exactly 1 yr after it had happened, when I inadvertently saw the emails and chat scripts. Had I discovered only enough to need to rely on my then fiance's explanation, I would not have believed it all happened the way it did.

 

My point is, whilst I'm fully aware that MM pursue women for affairs, I never really accepted that the converse was true until I had hard evidence from my own experience. That is not to say I now believe that all OW do this. However I do believe all women owe it to themselves to protect their hearts.

 

In any case, I am sorry for what you have been through and I wish you all the best going forward.

Posted

I can relate to what you have written, LG. I had the opportunity to read all of my husband's chats and emails with the OW and it certainly can be revealing on many levels.

 

I dated married men when I was in my early 20's. I emphasize dated. It took many years for me to process precisely why. When I peeled away all of the layers and stopped making excuses, stopped rationalizing, and... stopped pretending that it was some grand statement of female freedom... I realized what I had done.

 

All of this was before the email thing ever even existed, so there was none of that. But there were phone calls, flowers, dinner dates and men ... every single MM... all pushing to leave their wives. I was 20 something and did not want a husband. Did not want to interfere in their home... in no way shape or form. And I had deluded myself into believing that I hadn't.

 

Until one of these men bought me an engagement ring, left his wife to stay in a hotel and took me on a tour of a home he wanted to buy for 'us'. He told me that he had 'broken the news' to his wife and that she was so torn up he stayed up with her all night... until he left the next morning to take me out.

 

It wasn't until many years later that I grew a heart big enough to see what I may have.... No... DID, participate and/or contribute to. I hurt another woman who was his wife for a long time. They had a life together and children. Granted, I did not want him to leave her or did I want him in any permanent sense. I was feeling my oats and was young without any sense of responsibility.

 

I read in the newspaper that this man had passed away of a heart attack at home and the article said that she was with him when he left this world.

 

I realized that my devil may care attitude was, really, underneath all of those layers... attributed to having been hurt by my first love.

 

I also realized that this man and this woman lived the rest of his natural life together and what I had done did interfere with their marriage and happiness. Fine, we can all say "what they don't know won't hurt them..." But, it does. It does even if they don't find out. Because he has been affected.

 

I was glad to know that they stayed together and wished that I had not interfered with what was otherwise precious between them. I'd like to think this was one of my first steps in growing up.

 

I've beaten men off with a stick (funny phrase, I know!) my entire life. Why did I need to mess with someone else's husband? Well, I didn't know it but in some way I was acting out. But I took something from someone that I shouldn't have.

 

I grew a heart. I will never do anything like that or even remotely like that again... because to have everything I want, need, or desire.... I don't have to take.... I can have it by giving. Giving for real.

Posted
I also realized that this man and this woman lived the rest of his natural life together and what I had done did interfere with their marriage and happiness. Fine, we can all say "what they don't know won't hurt them..." But, it does. It does even if they don't find out. Because he has been affected.

 

I was glad to know that they stayed together and wished that I had not interfered with what was otherwise precious between them. I'd like to think this was one of my first steps in growing up.

 

Though what you did certainly interfered with their life and happiness for a period of time. It's doubtful (IMO) that it interfered for the rest of their lives together. Though it's been doubted by many on these boards, it really doesn't eat you up for the rest of your natural life when something bad - even very bad - happens.

 

So, if you haven't, let it go. There's still a lot of life ahead (and more mistakes yet to make :laugh: )

Posted
I can relate to what you have written, LG. I had the opportunity to read all of my husband's chats and emails with the OW and it certainly can be revealing on many levels.

 

Thanks for your support Gamine. Well, because of my own experience I did some basic research and found out what "mate poaching" is and how it works. That was a true eye opener!

 

 

I dated married men when I was in my early 20's. I emphasize dated. It took many years for me to process precisely why. When I peeled away all of the layers and stopped making excuses, stopped rationalizing, and... stopped pretending that it was some grand statement of female freedom... I realized what I had done.

 

.....

 

I realized that my devil may care attitude was, really, underneath all of those layers... attributed to having been hurt by my first love.

 

 

It's great that you managed to gain such valuable insight into this. It pains me that many of us buy into this whole feminist "ideal" of "empowered" women, when in fact the outcomes tend to be ideal only for men.

 

 

I've beaten men off with a stick (funny phrase, I know!) my entire life. Why did I need to mess with someone else's husband? Well, I didn't know it but in some way I was acting out. But I took something from someone that I shouldn't have.

 

I grew a heart. I will never do anything like that or even remotely like that again... because to have everything I want, need, or desire.... I don't have to take.... I can have it by giving. Giving for real.

 

I wish more and more women would realise this. We can be empowered without needing to go on the power trip that normally underpins some women's roles in such affairs.

 

Anyway, I am so happy that there are lots of strong women like you. I have one friend who is still suffering from her decision to play 2nd fiddle - she has been bawling her eyes out for the last 4 months since told her MM told her he was unable to show a copy of his divorce papers because they were in a room that would trigger his depression if he entered it! No one should allow themself to be played like a cheap violin!

 

Cheers! P.s : I haven't had a chance to contribute, but hats off to your "Sisterhood" subforum!

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