wiseup Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 He put the ring back on, didn't try and contact me. It seems that he really is trying so hard to work things out with his W and it's going well. At the same time, I am left hanging wondering what they could be doing in bed. We had an EA with only hugging and kissing. But still it hurts me to think that they are being intimate. I think I was in love with him. He ended it 6 weeks ago after his W gave him an ultimatum.(1 week after he told me he had ended it with her "irreversibly and permanently") Are things just gonna be super for him from now on? I mean, I don't wish him ill or anything. Maybe just not too well, for now, cuz I am still hurting. I just don't know how to cope when his life seems to be perfect right now and mine isn't and it's b/c of him.
NoIDidn't Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 I don't know why the OW always thinks that things are just going swimmingly well for the MM after a D-day and deciding to stay married. He's going through hell. He's regretting ever getting involved with you and hurting his W by your relationship's discovery. He's hating that she no longer trusts him and he has to prove that he is trustworthy all over again. He is not lying in a bed of roses. Just because he isn't crying to you about it, doesn't mean that things are perfect. Maybe you shouldn't be so concerned about him and more concerned about your own healing?
bentnotbroken Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 He put the ring back on, didn't try and contact me. It seems that he really is trying so hard to work things out with his W and it's going well. At the same time, I am left hanging wondering what they could be doing in bed. We had an EA with only hugging and kissing. But still it hurts me to think that they are being intimate. I think I was in love with him. He ended it 6 weeks ago after his W gave him an ultimatum.(1 week after he told me he had ended it with her "irreversibly and permanently") Are things just gonna be super for him from now on? I mean, I don't wish him ill or anything. Maybe just not too well, for now, cuz I am still hurting. I just don't know how to cope when his life seems to be perfect right now and mine isn't and it's b/c of him.[/QUOTE] It is only 50% because of him, the other 50% is because of you and your decision to be with him.
alphamale Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 Are things just gonna be super for him from now on? no, no one's life is "super" all the time
wildsoul Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 I just don't know how to cope when his life seems to be perfect right now and mine isn't and it's b/c of him. Stop torturing yourself! These thoughts are just a way to beat yourself up. I've had this kind of thing come up for me a few times since my breakup, but I realized it was just a symptom of my pain, one that was just making me feel worse. When this thought or its ugly stepsisters, "His W must be better than me," or "Is he missing me, too?" I try to put a stop to it. LET IT GO LET IT GO LET IT GO (((hugs))) PS: Congratulatons on your 6 weeks!
NoIDidn't Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 Stop torturing yourself! These thoughts are just a way to beat yourself up. I've had this kind of thing come up for me a few times since my breakup, but I realized it was just a symptom of my pain, one that was just making me feel worse. When this thought or its ugly stepsisters, "His W must be better than me," or "Is he missing me, too?" I try to put a stop to it. LET IT GO LET IT GO LET IT GO (((hugs))) PS: Congratulatons on your 6 weeks! You hit the nail on the head! She needs to love herself even if she thinks that somehow he thinks she's unlovable. This is what infidelity does to us. It sucks. Believe me, the BS wonders when the Karma Bus is going to hit the OP too - because things are going so badly in their own home. But in reality everyone touched by cheating has it bad. And for a long, long time.
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 He put the ring back on, didn't try and contact me. It seems that he really is trying so hard to work things out with his W and it's going well. At the same time, I am left hanging wondering what they could be doing in bed. We had an EA with only hugging and kissing. But still it hurts me to think that they are being intimate. I think I was in love with him. He ended it 6 weeks ago after his W gave him an ultimatum.(1 week after he told me he had ended it with her "irreversibly and permanently") Are things just gonna be super for him from now on? I mean, I don't wish him ill or anything. Maybe just not too well, for now, cuz I am still hurting. I just don't know how to cope when his life seems to be perfect right now and mine isn't and it's b/c of him. He chose his wife in the end... and you need to respect that. Respect that decision and let this MM go. It would have only hurt you in the end, as you well know now. Find a single guy and deal with him.
Stepone Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 I know exactly what you mean. You don't wish him ill or anything, but it all seems a bit kind of unfair in a sense.. It is a mystery to me how men have this ability to put their feelings and memories in a little cardboard box to store for later use! He probably feels a little frustrated and confused - he might be on top of the world having rekindled the flame with his first love, and realised what he almost lost.. he will almost definitely be having pangs of longing for you but these will get less over time, and if they don't, he will surely come back if he's any sort of man. As for the ending it with her then going back.. oh my. I can't take any more stories about these indecisive little boys! Grrrrrrrr. The best thing you can do is get out there and date, have fun, go through the motions of being happy - you will soon start to feel alive again. The situation is now out of your hands and you appear (thank God) to have have acted with dignity and respect, leaving him in peace to him try again with his wife. Sometimes loving someone means letting them go.
Author wiseup Posted May 8, 2009 Author Posted May 8, 2009 Maybe I shouldn't be picturing his life as all rosy. It wasn't rosy before I came along. It was his 1st year of marriage and he told me it was such an emotional roller coaster for him since he married someone he spent maybe one month and a half together with in their a-year-and-a-half relationship.(It was a LDR). Now that I think about it, he now sticks around in the library after our class every Tuesday and Thursday and he only uses the computer there. He has everything(computer, printer, scanner, etc) at his lab and at home. I don't think he really needs to go to the library for internet access. Why doesn't he go straight home like he used to when he's trying to avoid me? Or is he waiting for me to break NC since he knows that I have to go to the library cuz I work there? So maybe, just maybe, he isn't 100% working on his marriage even though he put back on his wedding ring (which I suspect he never took off at home anyways. Maybe he just took it off everytime he came to see me. And now he just doesn't bother to do that any more cuz he knows that chances are I am not going to talk to him but he wants to see if I will anyways.) and didn't try and contact me for the past 6 weeks. Does that sound like someone who's 100% focused on his marriage?
Meaplus3 Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 He put the ring back on, didn't try and contact me. It seems that he really is trying so hard to work things out with his W and it's going well. At the same time, I am left hanging wondering what they could be doing in bed. We had an EA with only hugging and kissing. But still it hurts me to think that they are being intimate. I think I was in love with him. He ended it 6 weeks ago after his W gave him an ultimatum.(1 week after he told me he had ended it with her "irreversibly and permanently") Are things just gonna be super for him from now on? I mean, I don't wish him ill or anything. Maybe just not too well, for now, cuz I am still hurting. I just don't know how to cope when his life seems to be perfect right now and mine isn't and it's b/c of him. I'm willing to bet a large sum of money that things at home are not hunky dorey for this MM after his wife found out he was in an ea. You know, the best thing you can do is to not worry about that. Drop the thoughts of what's going on in his life and focus on your own. The longer you wonder, the longer it will take you to move forward in the right direction. I've walked in your shoes and had an ea myself. You need time to heal.. but you've got to let go. Best wishes. Mea:)
Anis Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 Maybe I shouldn't be picturing his life as all rosy. It wasn't rosy before I came along. It was his 1st year of marriage and he told me it was such an emotional roller coaster for him since he married someone he spent maybe one month and a half together with in their a-year-and-a-half relationship.(It was a LDR). Now that I think about it, he now sticks around in the library after our class every Tuesday and Thursday and he only uses the computer there. He has everything(computer, printer, scanner, etc) at his lab and at home. I don't think he really needs to go to the library for internet access. Why doesn't he go straight home like he used to when he's trying to avoid me? Or is he waiting for me to break NC since he knows that I have to go to the library cuz I work there? So maybe, just maybe, he isn't 100% working on his marriage even though he put back on his wedding ring (which I suspect he never took off at home anyways. Maybe he just took it off everytime he came to see me. And now he just doesn't bother to do that any more cuz he knows that chances are I am not going to talk to him but he wants to see if I will anyways.) and didn't try and contact me for the past 6 weeks. Does that sound like someone who's 100% focused on his marriage? Of course you are searching for rationalizations that don't make you feel discarded or forgetable, but it really doesn't matter what his home life is like. If you really want to stop hurting "faster" then picture them in bliss b/c only then will you force yourself to let go. Show them both by recovering steadily and becoming stronger from it. Getting over it is powerful and sexy. You may have played the fool but you can become an amazing woman on the other side.
pkn06002 Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 Things are not rosey for him at home. If you meant anything to him he still thinks about you (regardless what the rude BS's above say). You need to lose the thinking that he chose her over you blah blah blah. A marriage is made up of more than just simple feelings. When you sign that contract you end up in something that is much more and a whole not "easy" to dissolve. Guys do not simply put feelings in a box and go on. Yes we can do that with woman that we don't feel any really feelings towards. But if you do have feelings for the woman it is much worse since men do not deal with feelings all the time. As always it is easier to be the dumper than the dumpee. The pain will fade and life will go on. Just take it day at a time and eventually you will no longer care.
LaGazelle Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 Things are not rosey for him at home. If you meant anything to him he still thinks about you (regardless what the rude BS's above say). You need to lose the thinking that he chose her over you blah blah blah. A marriage is made up of more than just simple feelings. When you sign that contract you end up in something that is much more and a whole not "easy" to dissolve. Guys do not simply put feelings in a box and go on. Yes we can do that with woman that we don't feel any really feelings towards. But if you do have feelings for the woman it is much worse since men do not deal with feelings all the time. As always it is easier to be the dumper than the dumpee. The pain will fade and life will go on. Just take it day at a time and eventually you will no longer care. I beg to differ. I think the OP should focus on maximising her happiness rather than suffer all consuming thoughts about whatever pain the MM and his wife may be suffering, and whether or not MM thinks about her. You are right to say IF...Whatever on earth he thinks, he is certainly NOT DOING what the OP wants, and that is what counts. When I discovered an OW trying to push herself into our relationship, and how relentlessly she tried and desired my unhappiness, I made a decision to be happy and make my home happy in spite of her efforts to cause me pain. Had I not seen her spiteful emails and had she not been so willful, I would have launched a full scale attack on my fiance. As for your thoughts about the marriage contract... Well, we didnät even have that then, but it didn't stop my fiance throwing himself full force into winning me again. As women we are often socialised to believed that our happiness can only come at other's (usually another woman's) expense. I think we would be much better off focussing on being no.1 to us instead of trying to be no.2 to anyone else. My husband and I still worked on resolving the issues which arose because of the infidelity, but he made sure I was treated even more like a queen than before. During the times when we did special things together to strengthen the bonds threatened by the infidelity, I made a point of not even mentioning the OW at all. Why give someone the satisfaction of spoiling my fun? As for my husband, he looked forward to those times more than the times when I wanted to discuss the infidelity and the OW. Even when we did discuss the infidelity he made a point of doing that in such a way that the focus was on us and NOT ON THE OW. I wish the OP all the best in her recovery, which can only start in earnest when she lets go of the need to wonder if the other parties are suffering too. She should not shortchange herself by obsessing over someone who may be doing everything but thinking on her. She deserves better and she doesn't gain anything meaningful by thinking that the MM may be thinking of her.
pkn06002 Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 LaGazelle never said the OP should dwell on those thoughts, because those thoughts are a dead end. She does need to move on and get to the point where she does not care. But people telling her the MM is loving his wife and hating her does, what other than make her feel even worse. Because believe me as a partner in an affair when it is over that is all you do, dwell on the thoughts about how you were not good enough etc... The to have people pile on does you NO good. But it does seem to entertain some BS's to see a OM/OW suffer openly. OP just take it day at a time, stay busy. Remember this is no different than any other break up in your life. It takes time to heal and get past. Life goes on and you will need to as well.
Gamine Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 Multiply everything you are feeling by about 10,000% and you'll get an idea of the anguish his wife is going through. Imagine actually having had the marriage, the commitment, the home together, making love, tenderness and everything that takes place between a man and a wife (most often) and then imagine knowing that he was emotionally and or physically fooling around with someone else. You are experiencing jealousy, yes, but imagine the horror show for the wife. He had no commitment with you. Unfortunately, MM are playing out fantasies most of the time they are involved with another woman and when push comes to shove they run home. I read on a website dedicated to OW that statistically only 10% of MM leave their wife and that of that 10% some of them return even after they may have divorced. Ties that bind. Mind you, every relationship is different and there may be the unusual event when a MM is actually that unhappy at home. It is more about playing out a new studly version of himself in a very controlled way with the OP. Following the discovery of infidelity there's something that is called 'hyper bonding' that takes place between couples where they have super and very frequent sex with this phase lasting for months. It is almost a reclaiming of the marital intimacy. My husband cheated and I can tell you that I would usually get sick to my stomach envisioning him with her intimately. We had been married for 12 years already and the idea of someone doing it with him was sickening. You can believe that he is probably going through hell, may likely now be in therapy and marriage counseling, and sitting through interrogations by his wife that endure hours upon end day after day. Not fun, I can tell you. And, the whole while he is probably denying he cared about you at all. These are brutal words and I am not sharing them with you to hurt you. We are all women and we are all wired similarly. I am sharing this with you so that you spare yourself the anguish of subjecting yourself to doing it to yourself again and being the naive participant in someone else's fantasy and game. They run home to their wives because that is where they want to be. Trust me, I told my husband I would help him pack and drive him to her home, not bust his chops with a divorce... let him go free and clear. He has begged and done everything a man could possibly do to avoid the very thing he snuck around in order to do. As the wife it was confusing to me. Here's this husband who wrote never ending emails to a woman professing his undying commitment and love to her, went to such lengths to make it possible to see her (he traveled over 400 miles twice so they could hook up), and called her frequently. Now, when I find out he does a 180, drops her cold, tells her he never wants to see her again and that he never meant anything he said to her and that she should never contact him again. All of this while I'm offering to help him pack so he can be with his true 'love'. Where is he? Here. He hasn't and will not budge even though I've told him to leave and go be with her. This is a year ago when all of it happened. He wouldn't and won't go because he says he doesn't want her and never wanted to not be married to me. Does that make any sense to you? No, it probably doesn't. It seems that she probably thinks I threatened him and made him stay. Nope. These guys do what they need to do to live out their fantasy. There is the one in a blue moon fella who actually is unhappy and doesn't want to be married anymore. My advice to them is to end the marriage and move on without entangling another person before he's ready to do the right thing. This is about them and two women are played against one another. Some ego boost for him, huh? If a man wants to do something and sets his mind to it he will. Wives are girlfriends who married the guy. OW are girlfriends who are ancillary to his life. Unless and until this guy makes a break, gets a divorce and moves on he's not for the taking... because when they are caught (and they usually are) they run home 9 times out of 10. Find someone who you adore and who adores you right back. That's what love is and that is what you deserve!
jj33 Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 Gamine that was your experience. That is not everyone's experience. Im not saying the OW should continue in the emotional affair, I dont think she should but MANY people stay in the marriage for reasons other than love for their spouse. PKN is simply one of the few willing to admit that.
LaGazelle Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 Gamine that was your experience. That is not everyone's experience. Im not saying the OW should continue in the emotional affair, I dont think she should but MANY people stay in the marriage for reasons other than love for their spouse. PKN is simply one of the few willing to admit that. That's one perspective - another perspective is that he is one of the few who feels that way!
pkn06002 Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 That's one perspective - another perspective is that he is one of the few who feels that way! Well if you go by the posts here I am not alone in my thinking. There used to be a few other MM that posted post-affair and they did not stay married for the love of their spouse. Because if loved your spouse so much you would not cheated on them in the first place. It is that plan and simple. This notion the people just forget and move on is not true, no matter how much BS's wants it to be that way. You get the hyper bonding to try and get some of the affair in your marriage, because that is the feelings you want. I know I tried the same thing. If it sticks great if not your back to where you started with the added benefit of knowing how you would like to feel. Reggie likes to post stats on recovery and they are not good. True recoveries like some people post seem to be the rare cases.
wildsoul Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 As women we are often socialised to believed that our happiness can only come at other's (usually another woman's) expense. I couldn't disagree with that statement more than I do. Dunno where you got socialized, but it sounds like someone painted a very painful reality for you, one where all women compete and try to hurt you. Surely this has played a part in how you experienced the betrayal of your husband. Sorry you had to go through that pain, but it seems like you're still projecting it here in this thread. Not all women want to take "your" happiness. Not even the OW's. No one can take your husband, although he can stray. No one can take your happiness, although their actions might cause you pain.
carhill Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 That philosophy underscores that each of us is responsible for our own perspectives and feelings. This would obviate the blame game. Make a choice, take responsibility for that choice as well as one's own feelings about the choices others make. Having been an OM and a MM, I can see things from both perspectives and assert it is healthy to focus on one's own perspective and actions rather than projecting on or concerning oneself with the actions and/or perspectives of another. One can only control oneself. OP, do what *you* do. What he does is irrelevant. IMO, do not waste one second of your time trying to figure out his psyche or motivations. BTDT, wasted way too much of my life. Best wishes...
Gamine Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 Gamine that was your experience. That is not everyone's experience. Im not saying the OW should continue in the emotional affair, I dont think she should but MANY people stay in the marriage for reasons other than love for their spouse. PKN is simply one of the few willing to admit that. I have been respectful to the experiences of others by qualifying that there are exceptions to this rule. However, statistically speaking (a/k/a factually in the majority) what I have indicated is more common than not. It is correct that I chronicle my experience, however I also give respect to the outcomes cited as being most prevalent from the experiences of OW and married women. When a person lives a double life one can analyze it as a break or one can see it as two parts of the same person. I share my experience not to dictate what is the truth for all, but hoping that in the midst of all of it will ring some truth. A truth that may apply to a woman who is in a state of confusion over 'what on earth just happened'? If a man runs home and decides to stay... for whatever his reason... he has made a statement concerning what is important to him. Relative importance. Denying that reality is simply denying that reality. If a man or a woman decides their partner is not right for them... it is a free country... and all have the right and opportunity to decide differently. We tie ourselves voluntarily to lives we lead. There are no jailors... only ourselves.
pkn06002 Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 carhill and Gamine You both just posted some really important ideas, kudos!
MizzBlue72 Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 I am going back to your post ... and I often wonder the same thing. Yes - we were and some of us still are the OW. When the affair ends - and the MM walks away - does he just walk back in and everything is perfect, he is happy, and all is well?? Especially when his BS did not now?? I can tell you from experience, that when I ended it - I did not go back to feeling anywhere close to that in my life. It's hard. The OW is often held responsible as the persuer of the relationship and villified (thrown under the best) byt the MM to the BS, and the BS buys it.... OK, in my situation I took it, realized it was thing anyway, and walked away. It does hurt SO MUCH to think that he just goes back to 'normalcy'. And I think we as OW have the right to feel that too - as much as the BS has a right. NO - we were not married - but we did exchange a lot. I have to think the MM must address what is wrong (or what WAS wrong) in their marriage that they began the affair in the first place, or they will find themselves right back where they were. I mean - a lot of MM can say 'well she seduced me, etc.' - but I don't think so. In my case - he knew, he came after me too. So hopefully - he is addressing and talking to his wife, and not - I can't imagine everything to be perfect for them or happy. They have a a hard road to travel, but I think I know what you were asking in this story.
silktricks Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 Well if you go by the posts here I am not alone in my thinking. There used to be a few other MM that posted post-affair and they did not stay married for the love of their spouse. Because if loved your spouse so much you would not cheated on them in the first place. It is that plan and simple. It seems plain and simple - but it isn't. There are many reasons for any actions we humans take - simplicity isn't usually very far up there. This notion the people just forget and move on is not true, no matter how much BS's wants it to be that way. You get the hyper bonding to try and get some of the affair in your marriage, because that is the feelings you want. I know I tried the same thing. If it sticks great if not your back to where you started with the added benefit of knowing how you would like to feel. Reggie likes to post stats on recovery and they are not good. True recoveries like some people post seem to be the rare cases. There also have been former MM who posted here who stated the opposite of what you state - that they had no interest in the OW and were lying to her - that they forgot her immediately. They didn't post long either - because they were run off - and possibly they didn't have many issues they were interested in resolving.... You are stating your experience as if it is common - because it is common to you. Other people state their experience as if it is common for the same reason. No one truly knows the statistics on either side, but because your experience is yours doesn't mean it is the same as other or even many other MM's (or BS or OW for that matter). That doesn't mean that I think it benefits anyone to stick a knife into a hurting OW (or a hurting BS or anyone who is hurting) either. Because it doesn't.
pkn06002 Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 silktricks you make a valid point I can only go by what I have experienced and seen others go through. I will admit my experiences do color how I view things. That is the problem with blanket statements and statistics they are not always correct. I don't see how you could just forget someone and move on, IF you cared for someone at all. You can (I have) forgotten woman and just moved on but I never really felt anything for them nor did I tell them I did. Maybe there in lies the question, did the other person really care that much about you in the first place. Once the affair is over does it really matter anymore if they did? You made and interesting comment OM/MM don't seem to last long here. Wonder why?
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