How would you have handled this situation?

[NotKelly]

You've just joined a volunteer group recently, and driven all the way out in the sticks to meet at an established member's house. Some of the people at the meeting are new to the group too; others are established members. It's a small meeting, only 7 people.

 

Before the meeting starts, you make appropriate small talk with the people who are available to be talked to. You know, "Hi, I'm so and so, did you read such and such in the paper today (about the group's area of interest), isn't this a nice garden, etc etc" (And no, not too much talk either.)

 

After the meeting, everyone starts chatting, as people do after meetings. Except... everyone else has immediately paired up into intense conversations, leaving you left out and alone. (Odd number of people, and you're the odd person out) Even when you linger near one conversational pair, trying to look interested or looking for a place to jump in, it's clear they're deeply engrossed in their apres-meeting chats and don't even notice you.

 

This happened to me once, and I stuck around for 15 minutes (which felt like an eternity) before quietly slinking out - although I was polite enough to inform the hostess that I "had to run."

 

What did I do wrong? Were these people really just boorish, or was it simply a poorly run unstructured meeting, or am I just not someone anyone wants to talk to? Should I have handled it differently? Did I give up too soon?

 

Believe it or not I stuck with this volunteer group for 2 years after that (because I cared about the issue), but barely made any connection with anyone at all, although I certainly tried, and certainly did my part to be involved in projects. They were just so BUSY and all seemed to know each other from their many many other community obligations. It was like a merry go round I couldn't get on.

 

Has this ever happened to you and what did you do about it?

[lazlow99]

I know what you mean. I'm awful at 'mingling' with groups of people. It depends who the people are really, but I sometimes feel a bit intimidated if there are lots of loud extroverted people in a situation, cause I'm a little more reserved. And usually the loud ones are just attention seekers who talk about themselves all the time and not people I'd really want to be friends with with anyway.

[WineCountry]

I'm kind of like Lazlo. I'm not the best "mingler" at all, though once I know you, you sometimes can't shut me up. Though i'm not a good mingler, I WILL talk if someone is willing to include me in their conversation.

 

These people did not seem willing to do that for you. Personally, i think it has more to do with the fact that they are a bit rude and insensitive rather than you being boring. I've been around those "types" before.

They dont get that they should try to make a newbie feel welcomed, and that shutting them out of conversations certainly doesn't do that.

 

But, that's why they do what they do, I guess. They just arent the type to be concerned about stuff like that.

 

I wouldnt worry one wit about it.

[tigressA]

I've been in situations like that. I once went through sorority rush almost two years ago, and that wasn't terribly fun. I only really connected with one of the sororities whose event I attended; the other two I felt like the odd person out even though there were dozens of people at every gathering. I felt really awkward much of the time. Needless to say, I didn't get any bids to pledge.

 

I've also been in situations in which my friends are part of organizations and if I hang out with them, there will be people from that organization around; my friend(s) will end up neglecting me and I will be virtually ignored by everyone else regardless of any effort I make. I left a friend's 22nd birthday celebration at our campus watering hole because I felt like I was completely left out from the group (a co-ed honors fraternity). Anyway, those people in your group are just plain rude. I don't think there's anything wrong with you at all.