Mahatma Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 First off, I will give some background. I have been dating this girl for 10 months, and we first met each other in junior high (we are both 19 now). She had a crush on me in junior high, and I liked her, but I was with another girl at the time and then it always seemed one of us was in a relationship. Finally, in the summer, we started dating. After a week or so, her parents suggested me having dinner with them, so I agreed and we had dinner at their house. I went and brought flowers for the cook. We had a decent first dinner conversation and all went well. Both her parents seemed to like me and my girlfriend would tell me about all the nice things they said about me. They really liked me for about the first 3 months... ...Then we had sex. My girlfriend was a virgin and a part of a program called "love waits" which is abstinence until marriage. All of her family, including her unmarried non-virgin brother, told her to be careful and not lose herself to me. But eventually, it just happened. It was her decision, and actually she sort of surprised me with sex. For a couple weeks, she did not tell anyone and was still wearing her "true love waits" ring. This bothered me because she was living a lie. I told her that she should tell her parents and take off the ring. I did this also because I felt like if she had to keep lying, she would start to feel guilty about sex for the wrong reasons. So she told her parents and took off the ring. Since then, her parents have tried to find any reason to say I am a bad part of her life. They keep saying I am taking up all her time and they "never see her anymore." This is complete crap because this year she is going to a community college and still lives at home. The only days that I am even in her town are Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. The rest of the weeks she sees them, lives with them, eats dinner with them... etc. While we hang out, she will be away from home for five hours and her mom will send her texts like "we miss you..." or "wondering where you are... haven't seen you in a while..." this kind of bull sh*t. She clearly guilts her and makes me feel totally awkward. If we are out on a date or something, they call her NON STOP. One night, we were at my house and they called her 12 times in one hour and got angry because she didn't answer. We were having sex. Then we find out the reason they called was just to see what she was up to. If she plans to sleep over at my house, she calls to tell them and they guilt the hell out of her for not coming home that night. Next year, she is coming to my university and will actually be moving in with me. Most of me is looking forward to this, but part of me wonders what they will do. Will they expect her to come home every weekend? Will they be contacting her non-stop like they do when they know we are on a date? To stack things on top, I now feel totally weird going over to their house, and have basically stopped. Her parents ignore me and act like I am not even there. If we are both downstairs, her parents will only address her and act like I am non existent. Then they claim to my girlfriend that I don't talk much and I am not very social. What do people do in this situation? I am about to start summer break and would like to have some sort of decent relation with my girlfriend's parents. After summer, I will likely not see them again because I will be permanently living pretty far away.. and so will my girlfriend. I will go home for holidays like Christmas and such, but probably not to their house. I don't want it to be awkward between me and her parents... I am a very sociable person and easy to get along with. I never did anything wrong... except "deflower" their daughter as it was put. What can I do?
BobSacamento Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 Are you dating a 15 year old? Perhaps you should date someone more adult because it sounds like you are dating a child.
Author Mahatma Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 Are you dating a 15 year old? Perhaps you should date someone more adult because it sounds like you are dating a child. If you read the first paragraph, it states we are both 19. Or possibly if you noticed the community college part. I hope you didn't skim through this. If you were being sarcastic, my girlfriend is not the child, her parents are. My girlfriend ignore her mother's guilting. She sticks up for me.
bean1 Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 If she plans to sleep over at my house, she calls to tell them and they guilt the hell out of her for not coming home that night. At the risk of sounding like an old fart, she is being disrespectful to her family by sleeping over at your house. If she wants to do that, then she can move out on her own and make her own rules. Until then, come home at night.
Author Mahatma Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 At the risk of sounding like an old fart, she is being disrespectful to her family by sleeping over at your house. If she wants to do that, then she can move out on her own and make her own rules. Until then, come home at night. This is only part to a whole. She is living at home because they would not let her move out for her first year of college. She is moving out though shortly. And yes, times have changed. She had sleep overs before with other girls and friends, and her brother had his girlfriend over to sleep over too, and he would sleep over at other's houses too. Their problem is not the sleeping over.
bean1 Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 I don't think there is anything you can do except marry her to please these folks. Even then, I'd be careful of the father-in-law's speech after some wine.
Author Mahatma Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 I don't think there is anything you can do except marry her to please these folks. Even then, I'd be careful of the father-in-law's speech after some wine. I already know him after "some wine." He drinks himself to sleep every night. I have talked to him while he was drunk. He's pretty standoffish.
BobSacamento Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 I mean seriously what did you expect? Her family values purity. You deflower their child and you expect them to be all "Welcome to the family!!!!" lol
Author Mahatma Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 I mean seriously what did you expect? Her family values purity. You deflower their child and you expect them to be all "Welcome to the family!!!!" lol Once again, I wonder if you actually read the OP. Her brother lost his virginity much earlier than her. It is not about purity. It's just another excuse to not like her boyfriend. Her mother lost her before marriage. Her father did too. While her parents were not mentioned, her brother was in the OP. Please read fully before making another post BS.
cn283 Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 Sorry to hear you situation, but I don't know if your going to come out on top here. Obviously her parents are hypocrites, but in their mind's they are totally justified. Your just not going to win against irrationality. My step-dad didn't like my bf at first because he is older than me (7 yr difference) and yes it made things uncomfortable and he didn't want to go to my parents house as a result. I sat him down and told him, this guy is a part of my life now so if you want to see me chances are you will see him and that he should respect him. Didn't happen right away, but now they're buddies . All I can say is that family issues take time, if you stick it out with this girl it's going to be the kind of thing you guys joke about later down the line.
bean1 Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 There really isn't anything you can do. If they don't like you, then they don't like you. I hate to say this, but at 19 and dating less than a year, I doubt they take your relationship very seriously and are probably rolling their eyes at the idea of her moving in with you. Maybe they are just waiting this one out and displaying their displeasure in the meantime
Enema Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 Once again, I wonder if you actually read the OP. Her brother lost his virginity much earlier than her. It is not about purity. It's just another excuse to not like her boyfriend. Her mother lost her before marriage. Her father did too. While her parents were not mentioned, her brother was in the OP. Please read fully before making another post BS. His post is right man. Parents view the "purity" of their daughter in a very different way to that of their son. I don't think there's any way you can get them to suddenly like you. It's going to take years of you just being a good boyfriend and doing everything right. Don't try to force it, don't try to fight back. Just be yourself. You're dating her, not them.
Author Mahatma Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 His post is right man. Parents view the "purity" of their daughter in a very different way to that of their son. I don't think there's any way you can get them to suddenly like you. It's going to take years of you just being a good boyfriend and doing everything right. Don't try to force it, don't try to fight back. Just be yourself. You're dating her, not them. Well, I have not fought back or anything. I have just been doing what I do best, loving my girlfriend. I just don't want to ignore the problem if there is something I could do.
smookie Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 I went through exactly what you are going through except for I am the girl. My dad hated my boyfriend when I was alot younger, He even went to the point of banning him from his home and restraunt. When this happened I told my family that they were not to decide who I am to be with, It was fully up to me and if they did not exceot him then they no longer excepted me either. This caused alot of hard feelings as I am the youngest girl in the family and listened to my parents and older siblings. After that was said we left the family restraunt and I had to sneak around to see my mother and she would often visit with me and my boyfriend at the time.The devoloped a close relationship with one another in this time. About a year later of me not talking to my dad still I called him and said hi dad, he was shocked to hear from me. All he could say is my baby girl come see your dad, I have missed you. I said to him straight out dad I am still with ****** and if he is not welcome I am sorry I can not come over either, he said The both of you please come over for dinner. We went over for dinner and my bf and dad started to get to know eachother. A year later we had our first child. The reason I am telling you this story is because my dad was scared that he only wanted one thing from me and would hurt me in the end. He was aginst it due to my age and never having a boyfriend before him. Once he seen that what he thought was wrong he opened his arms and excepted him into the family. We broke up about 8 years ago and believe it or not they all still talk. Family issues take time and when the parents are upset about something it will even take longer. Give it time, if you love her and truly want to be with her then prove it. Be you and no one else because she fell in love with you.
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