World's Weirdest Relationship

[See_ya_on_the_flip]

Hello All!

 

I'll try to condense "my lil story" here:

 

I'm 53 she's 53...

 

4 month relationship-met online at Match.com

 

First 2 weeks phone calls only, our first lunch meeting was...interesting. She was TOTALLY blown away by me, really shy not looking me in the eyes, very nervous, etc....

 

Things went ok for awhile, although kind of a constant struggle to get her to actually see me everytime, she was very reluctant. One comment she made very early on, after inviting to a social function was "maybe you can find someone there to date on the weekends" my response was "I already found someone".

 

A couple of other quick points:

 

-She ALWAYS insisted on paying half of any and all bills

 

-She NEVER spent the night at MY place (I spent several nights at hers.)

 

-Always left directly after sex at my place

 

-She would say in emails that I should "find someone that won't disappoint you"

 

-Rarely answered the phone (Which annoyed me) And I mean NEVER.

 

-Rarely said ILY unless I said it first or during sex (which doesn't count.)

 

-Said I should just "know" she loved me

 

I might add she had been single and living alone for serveral years. She basically broke it off before taking a trip (I thought anyway) And I "cheated" on her, I honestly thougt it was over at that point. So she asked me if I had been with anyone and I told her that I had (This just was the 6 weeks in....)

 

My bad mistakes were that I went WAY too fast and scared her. I just knew she was right and made myself TOO available too along with a card or two and some flowers. Doormat.

 

She dumped me about a week and a half ago and I wrote her an email asking her if we had a future, to be CLEAR this time that it was OVER. She wrote back saying this:

 

Knowing how tender and sensitive we both are, this is not easy to do.

Please know that I respect and care about you...and

I know for certain that I don't have a future with you.

I apologize for any hurt I have caused you...this was never my intent.

 

Ok done deal right? I did not contact her after this....she did however call and left a VM saying she was "concerned about how I was doing "as a friend". I would just VM her back with a short and happy "I'm great thanks for your concern"

 

Then today she wrote this:

 

]Because I do! I don't want to go to the friend zone anyway...Do you guys think that this is her way of reconnecting? She has reached out and made ALL the contact for the past 2 weeks

 

Should I have said yes I'll be your friend and cusion your fall while I keep hurting?

[Touche]

Unless you want more drama and games, sure keep seeing her. Otherwise, if you want something true and genuine and drama-free run like the wind.

 

She sounds pretty screwed up to be honest.

[See_ya_on_the_flip]

My head totally agrees with you....but my heart does not.

 

Thank you very much for the reply.

[Touche]

My head totally agrees with you....but my heart does not.

 

Thank you very much for the reply.

 

You're welcome. So which are you going to follow...your head or your heart?

[See_ya_on_the_flip]

This did not get into the end of the first post.....

 

She wrote this:

 

Any chance that we could maintain some kind of relationship

Do miss speaking with you.

[Art_Critic]

She is friendzoning you.. don't put up with that..

 

Sounds to me that she went thru her emails on match and is regenerating some interest thru recycles...

 

Honestly.. when something this new gets that broke it is time to hang it up and walk away...

[See_ya_on_the_flip]

Thank you for the quick reply. I agree about the "friendzone" but not wit hthe Match....she was only on there for a couple of days, and I think some friends pushed her to post a profile there.

[creativegal]

This did not get into the end of the first post.....

 

She wrote this:

 

Any chance that we could maintain some kind of relationship

Do miss speaking with you.

 

 

This sounds to me like she is having a hard time letting go of you "cold turkey". It seems like although she wants some contact with you, she still isn't being clear about what exactly it is that she wants. I would distance myself from her.

[See_ya_on_the_flip]

Thank you for your reply, it IS appreciated! WHY would you "distance" yourself from her? You mean to increase my odds? Because I'll tell you that NC DOES work, IF used WITH common sense!

 

Ok, here's the latest...I replied to that email (the one requesting "some kind of a RELATIOSHIP") and you should be proud of me for this one...with "all or nothing (not in those words of course.) She did respond to that email saying that I had indeed made the correct response and wished me a good life. I responded to that one with an email from my heart that said I realize it's over, I'll remember and cherish our memories, I deleted all emails, contact info, phone numbers to make sure she has her space from me (no drunk dialing with out her number!) I truley thought it was OVER.

 

She CALLED me within an hour and said that emails were too impersonal (true) and then to make HER feel better I said that I had started eating and laughing, to which she replied "I'm not there yet" and I'm very, very sad about this..." WHAT? SHE'S depressed too? I had no idea...ok a lil sad but not full blown not eating and sadness? (like me, missed two days of work) She started crying and said she had to go.....

 

OMG I wanted TO SAY "I'LL BE RIGHT OVER TO COMFORT YOU BABY" but I didn't, let HER burst the move...it's working for me so far (3 days max NC from her in 2 weeks.)

 

I've been dumped ALOT but NEVER quite like this! I have no expectations and sky high hopes, easy to say hard to implement....

 

ADVICE: Don't believe everything you hear and follow the advice to the letter. Every situation IS different, LISTEN TO YOUR HEART. I think that had I played "cool" (i.e., I'm doing great without you) I would NOT be here. Also had I begged and pleaded i would not be here.

 

Thank you ALL so very much for your opinions!

 

Peace,

Mark

[Art_Critic]

By the sounds of it you want her back...

 

Can I ask why ?..

 

She seems unavailable emotionally and seems to treat you like a FWB deal rather than someone she cares about...

 

Just an observation from your first couple of posts...

 

Sometimes we want what we can't have and she dumped you so you want her back.. now you are playing with her some and getting her to rethink her decision but in reality had you come to the resolution she did and you dumped her you wouldn't want her back...

 

 

Good luck.. don't follow the heart all the time.. you have been doing that with all the emotional emails and honestly any more of that and you will drive her away more... but if it really is over then at the very least you got it off your chest and told her how you felt...

[See_ya_on_the_flip]

Art Critic:

 

I do want to talk to her and see if we can meet each others expectations. That means she would have to commit; and if she can't bye-bye.

 

As for why I want her.....it doesn't look good on paper but I do love her; can you explain love, lol?

 

Thanks for your feedback AC, you have some very valid points!

 

Peace

[Montclair0011]

See ya on the flip - I'm not getting what the deal is here. Why are you having such a hard time on Match.com and why do you like this woman? She does not sound like she is normal or nice.

 

I'm around your age and not finding dating much fun because men usually want women 10 years younger and 10 years older than me means to-close-to-death-for-comfort. 53 year old men who are willing to date 53 year old women have TONS of choices to pick from. What's so great about this gal that you are so hung up on her? Is it that she plays hard to get?

 

This story is just not adding up. What am I missing here.

[See_ya_on_the_flip]

Montclair-

 

I suppose that I ruined a couple of relationships and took the time to get MYSELF together. I think that I was TOO ready for a relationship, if that makes sense?

 

I had dated for a while, met serveral nice people and "she"came along. Yes, at first the challange was attractive, AT FIRST. That quickly became annoying and frustrating. By then I was already screwed (in love.)

 

Of course I had to meet the most unavailable woman on earth.

 

As we speak I have 2 girls calling me, asking ME to come over (something that she rarely did.)

 

I know she's not "quite right". I'm not perfect by any means, but have been told I'm a good catch by my younger co-workers. What's even more confusing is the fact that I'm thinking I gave her more love and attention than she's EVER had.... (married 14 years to a professer that was more interested in his "studies" or students than her.) She would tell me often that I was "built like a brick ****house" "so smart" best sex she ever had...etc...I got her out of her world and into the REAL world..I almost feel sorry for her at this minute, but man she did a number on me!

 

He's a letter a wrote but of course did not send:

 

I now see why. (things didn't work) Because in a relationship, the person who cares least has the most power, that would have been you until a week ago.

 

It’s not me, that I know…..the only “threat” to us was you. You prefer yourself alone, over anyone. I was in competition with YOU, lol.

 

I treated her like GOLD baby! Beter than I've ever treated anyone and then got rejected....it made me wonder, did I treat her "too good"....I don't think so........

 

As I gain prespective, I'm seeing that she never wanted what I wanted, and frankly would be VERY careful IF I considered trying again.

 

Thank You for your wonderful comments.

 

Peace

[Art_Critic]

See_ya_on_the_flip...

 

You're going to be just fine., your head seems like it is in a good place and you seem to have a grasp of things..

 

Try not to let the "what if's" or the "if only I or she" get to you at this point.. now is when you want to heal not create more pain for yourself..

 

Time dude.. give yourself some time.. and go meet those other girls.. by all means

[See_ya_on_the_flip]

AC-

 

Thanks man! If I could block her number I would....just to show you how much she "cares" about me, I asked her NICELY in the final email to leave me the f**K alone, and that she was gone from my phone and life; an hour later she called.... (to get her lil self back in my phone log?)

 

One sick bi*ch, lol, lolololol! And it's and if but WHEN she'll call..I'd guess by Sunday or so, I have I speech ready.

 

Always saying "I never meant to cause you pain" BULLSH*T!

 

It was about POWER to her AC - power to control ME, a total free spirit, and not to come off as concited but I've never had a problem the girls, I usually keep for years until I'd fall prey to the normal problems....but not 4 months. It NEVER felt right, I should have listened to my GUT.

 

She did clue me to this though:

 

Namaste AC

[Montclair0011]

See Ya on the Flip - After reading your comments I think you should consider seeing a therapist. You need to find out why you are fixed on unavailable women.

 

Based on your characteristics, you are a good catch and should have tons of opportunity. There is no one to blame for this situation but you. Forget about this women and get some help so you can learn to enjoy life and love.

[See_ya_on_the_flip]

You guys are gonna kill me!

 

Late last night "she" called....I did answer. She said she was surprised that I was home and not "out". I did want to show that I could be happy staying home on Friday night. I'll tell you why, I had found out that the reason she broke it off was " too much booze".

 

I do not have a drinking problem, but, I live in a place where alcohol is very popular to say the least. We did drink most everytime we saw each other (ok, I drank more.) She would bring beer or wine, it's very common here. Then I find out that it's not ok with her. I feel like she is using the beer thing as an excuse, but that's the ONLY thing she could fault with me. She said today that THAT was why she And yes, the day she dumped me we had stayed in a hotel (very nice) and they had an open bar for 6 hours, I got wasted that nighht. She told me that she thought that was "our time" and got pissed that I got loaded.

 

With all that said, looking back, I think I was drinking because she was driving me nuts with the indecision. I don't normally drink that much!

 

When she called last night she asked if I would meet her -Like an idiot I said yes. She called this morning and had changed her mind.

 

Once again I screwed up and talked for an hour...which to her is enough at this point. She asked me if I had been with anybody, I asked her why that mattered..."it does".

 

What I think:

 

She is keeping me on the string! We were talking about the relationship and I asked her if she loved me or was "in love" with me, after a brief pause...she said "yes and yes".

 

She also asked me if I wanted to hear from her.....I paused a good while and F**king said yes. Sh*t!

 

I did break my own NC rules, but I have not contacted her in 2 weeks, she always calls. So now she knows.........

 

Peace

[Athena]

Well Mark, it sounds like the two of you are enjoying 'the chase.'

 

It also seems that she is not only emotionally unavailable, from her actions with you of advance/retreat/advance, but also from her maintaining a long-term marriage with a person who was emotionally unavailable to her... if she was Capable of being emotionally available, why would she have 1) sought out a man who wasn't 2) married him 3) stayed married to him for over a decade?!

 

So -- you admit that you have not been so emotionally available to other women?

Now, you like this 'challenge'... but... she doesn't seem emotionally healthy to me.

 

Is this what you want? To get involved with someone unhealthy, so you can be her knight in shining armor? Do you want to 'fix' her?

 

The best thing to do is to not try to fix your partner, and to make it clear that you do not wish to be fixed by her... that is, do not change them, and they should not want to change you. It simply doesn't work. And also, it just boils down to an issue of Control... you want to control her and how she affects your heart, and vice versa.

 

Now, if you like Drama, and equate this with Love, go ahead!

Just admit to what you are getting into here. And the reasons why.

 

Anyway, it is obvious you are having difficulty Making a Decision on this relationship with this woman. To help you, let me summarized someone's work. I like the method advocated by author Suzy Welch: 10-10-10

She says it's a way of Making A Decision -- "by deliberately considering their consequences in the immediate present, near term, and distant future."

She says "Every 10-10-10 process starts with a question" where you "pose your dilemma, crisis, or problem in the form of a query" so example Should You Continue your Relationship with Ms. Advance/Retreat?

The author continues, "The next stage of 10-10-10 is data collection" where "you be honest and exhaustive in answering the following prompts: Given my question, what are the consequences of each of my options in ten minutes?

In ten months?

In ten years?"

 

She goes on to say it's not a literal ten minutes/months/years but "for right now", "a point in the foreseeable future when the initial reaction to your decision has passed but its consequences continue to play out in ways you can reasonable predict" and "the third 10 stands for a time in a future that is so far off that its particulars are entirely vague."

She wraps this time frame up by saying, "suggests time frames along the lines of: in the heat of the moment, somewhat later, and when all is said and done"

Her last step is Analysis, where you "take all the information you've just compiled and compare it to your innermost values -- your beliefs, goals, dreams, and needs." Where this part of the 10-10-10 process "impels you to ask: Knowing what I now know about all of my options and their consequences, which decision will best help me create a life of my own making? And with the answer to that, you have your 10-10-10 solution"

 

I hope you can apply this method to this decision you have to make about whether you wish to take up a relationship with this woman. If you like, you can answer the three parts here in your thread, as you work out your decision...?

In ten minutes... ten months... and ten years.

[See_ya_on_the_flip]

Thanks Athena.

 

In answer to your question....

 

10-frustration

 

10-annoyance

 

10- devasation

 

Her latest email after I sent this:

 

We could just hang out and see what happens, actions do speak louder than words

 

What are you doing up so early?

 

Also, Mark...in total honesty, if there were other women or woman during the interim, which you had every right to pursue,

I would know...and then would request that we not do this. I won't call/communicate anymore, and would request the same. I would savor the memories, however...and say thank you for them.

Bottom line...I need complete honesty and fidelity to build upon.

 

 

Peace