thisfire Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 Hello everyone, First off, I apologize that this is so long...but I just want the whole story out there. We dated for 4 years shy of one month this year. I met her online and was going to walk away from it..But the strong connection I felt coupled with the fact that she wanted it any way just made me go against my instincts. We went through the years seeing each other twice (she lived in another state and was unable to get away from her mom...mom's bat**** insane..not to mention anti-interracial.) The first time I saw her it was limited to just that..seeing. The second time was different, we had time to be with each other. I held her and kissed her a few times after about 3 years...It really wasn't much and very little time..maybe 2 hrs at most but It was nice, I was happy. That was the last time I saw her in person. Fast forward about a year; She says she's tired of the distance, tired of all the work and she just didn't have the time to do it any more. (we had to stand up to her friend, her mother, her sister, distance, time) but in the four years we made things work in our own way. Any way, she broke up with me because she was tired of all the work and didn't have the time any more after she got a job in the area. About a week or two after the break up, she started dating a guy from work...even after saying she didn't have time for a relationship. But I understand why she would do it; she was home schooled and kept out of the real world for a long time and the only real love her boyfriend could give her was limited to phone, cam, messengers, txts. She was inexperienced and I think she's getting the chance to experience all that now. I confronted her about him...I told her it was just wrong to be seeing him considering she still loves me. She said she knew, but she needed it to get over me. After I found out that she was with someone new so soon I was hurt. I couldn't believe it that the girl I loved and loved me in return had just kicked me off to the side for a new thing. So I resolved to just give her the cold shoulder, never talk to her, blow her off...Cringe at the thought of her and then just not think about it. For a bout 2 months, she'd text me maybe once a week or 2 weeks saying things like "hey, just checking in..making sure you're ok" to which I'd either completely ignore or just be very curt in my responses. After a while I started getting better, I was doing great at ignoring her, I was happy for the most part, bitter towards her but I did not seek her out to let it be known and I didn't actively think about her so I could spend time being angry...It was working for me, I was leaving this behind me. About a week ago, she sent me a text message and as usual I ignored it..later on that week, she was online so I decided to just respond and be curt as always. So I went in with the intention of being short but she eventually told me how crappy things are for her lately. Her mother was always a bit on the crazy side but she has definitely gotten worse as of late. She basically cracked down on all of (let's call her Jane) Jane's freedom. She also made Jane break up with her current boyfriend. I did not know any of this until we spoke that night, but she had broken up with him about a week prior to us talking. But now Jane is hurting a bit...As far as her mother knows, Jane is broken up with her boyfriend. But she sneaks out once the crazy lady is asleep and goes over to his house. Jane and I have been talking and she tells me "Yes, I love him...But it's not as much as I love you. I'd jump off a bridge for you." She and I have been talking for about a week now. She hasn't snuck out to see him since we've been talking but believe she will see him tomorrow. The one thing at this point that bothers me more than anything else is that when we met...she was a virgin. I was the first guy she ever did anything sexual with. It took about a year for us to have phone sex...and just last week I discovered that she's been having sex with him after only a month of dating. Morbid curiosity lead me to ask about it. She has told me the things they do, oral sex, sex, places and so on. She said it's weird to tell me but she understands because she'd want to know if I was having sex with someone..Which I am not because I just can't get the idea of her out of my head. I'm disgusted by sex, porn, masturbation...all because I see her and him in my head. I'm the last person in the world to put love and sex together because I just don't feel like the two connect, but..now I do. Now I want her and only her. Her boyfriend was rewarded with sex after two months just because he's near her.....Meanwhile I, the loyal one for 4 years who loves her to this day, was rewarded with..nothing. When I say sex, I don't mean just the act of it and orgasms..No, I mean the whole thing. From start to finish, the hanging out, talking, the light kisses, the laughing, the desire, touching her, feeling her touch me, then the actual sex...but it's not even done after that. There's the holding her and falling asleep with her, waking up with her the next day. These are the things that I did not get to do with her. I feel like I can't have closure on our relationship without experiencing those things. Knowing what it's like to have her here with me. She has been planning on moving out of her mother's house. Her boyfriend offered for her to live with him (after like..3 months? lol) but she said no, and told me that she doesn't feel right about it because of me. She does not want to move in with him because of me. She feels as though moving in with him is closing the door on us for good and needless to say, she doesn't want to do that. So I told her, that I trusted her for 4 years and she made all of my worst fears come true, she left me, is dating another guy, is having sex with him and doing other..things that make me cringe because she should be with me. I told her, she needs to come see me for a couple of days so we can have that time with each other that we both desire. At first she said August but I said no way, I can't live my life day by day based on her...I can't wake up feeling like **** again every day because I have her in my head. So she said she'd "aim for June." Which...I think I can wait for, but I don't want to put too much into it. If she decides that she can't make the trip despite being the one who's constantly reaching out to me to talk, then to hell with it...It's not worth it any more. It's just more and more suffering for me while she has her boytoy to satisfy her and me as her emotional crutch. If she actually pulls through and comes to see me for a couple of days, then we can figure things out from there...figure out if we have the closure we were seeking or want to be together. I'm set on what I want to do...But it's the time between now and June that is killing me. Am I suppose to talk to her from now til then? Every day like we've been doing? Even while she's still with her boyfriend? What about when we say "I love you" to each other? I don't know how to deal with the time between now and the pivotal month of June. I didn't talk to her last night because I felt like I needed my space from her so I'm not commonplace and expected...But it hurts and feels as though I should be talking to her. I mean, I didn't talk to her last night and here I am posting this to get advice. I'm really...off on this whole situation. I feel like the only way she and I will ever stop going back to each other again and again is if we finally get our time to be with each other...It's the last facet of our relationship that we did not have the chance to fullfil. It is the only thing that we don't know with each other. I feel as though it's owed to us...and I want it. Maybe it's so we can move on or maybe it's so we can see if we can work things out...I'm not sure at this point. But I feel like there will be a definitive answer after June. I feel as though her current boyfriend is just her enjoying the chance to finally experience freedom of having a guy who's physically there for you, can go out with you, stay in, kiss, be intimate with, fall asleep with. I think she's young and is just inexperienced. I on the other hand knew what it was like to have a girlfriend and be right there with her...and the thought of finally one day having that with Jane made me realize "Yes, I can stand up to the years if it means I'll have her eventually." But it's like I said...Jane didn't know what it's like to have it there. So a great part of me thinks "Y'know what? let her go..let her have her experiences...maybe she'll come back." Am I a fool for giving this a second chance? Especially when I was more or less ok just being bitter but brushing the thoughts off? I just don't know.
Nikki Sahagin Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 I went back to the ex and though I can't say I regret it.....it came back to bite me just the same. I NEEDED to go back, because I loved him....maybe now I know it really can't work. So I would say, if you are strongly pulled to go back....do so. You may learn things this time around, you didn't before. The first time my ex broke up with me, he did so in person, after a week of not seeing. This time around, he broke up with me in an email because he was in his words "a coward" and did so at the WORST time. I would say if someone has already shown that they don't care for your feelings, then that won't change a second time around. But sometimes its not what you do that you regret, but what you don't. If part of you is backing away, recognise why that is. Scared of being hurt? Do you know it is truly wrong? If you go back with her and do have sex etc that may only make it harder to break free as you become more involved and mixed in with the love there will be the desire and familiarity.
Author thisfire Posted May 8, 2009 Author Posted May 8, 2009 Thank you for the response Nikki. Last night I realized that what I was afraid of is losing her. But I also realized that I've already lost her. At this point it feels like I have nothing left to lose and only everything to gain. I appreciate you saying what we regret sometimes is what we don't do..It makes sense to me. I will keep it in mind during this long month
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