jwi71 Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 Pro's first Staying together 2. Children can have a chance at a normal family life.... (I never had that option) Are you sure? You are already feeling the resentment. Kids are perceptive little devils and what might you be teaching them? 3.Have a chance to rebuild our relationship in to something better.Always a possibility. However for this to happen your W MUST DECIDE to change. Which begins with honesty on her part. And I don't mean the "say what you want to hear honesty"...I mean the "I want to be a better W to you honesty". Based on your posts...she isnt there nor is she likely to be. 5.And if it dosnt work out in the end I know way deep down I did EVERYTHING I could. I will have no regretsI understand this. I stayed at first for this reason as well. However, your W must change and I'm not seeing it. So...demand the truth, demand MC and make substantial changes to your lives in order to recover. She will resist at first and you will have to bear THAT alone. Meaning you will have to be her warden and you will have to drag her to MC and force the changes (like no internet for her...). Its not hard...its brutal. Con's 1. I will have to live with the knowledge of what she did to me for the rest of our lives and still overcome itHonestly...you got this anyways. Your goal is to put it in perspective...SHE is a lousy W...not ALL women. 2. I will allways have a lingering doubt about her honestyAgain, you got this anyway. You can't un-explode a bomb. 3. The loss of dignity I would have to swallowVery, very hard to do. Because every day would be another slap in the face of what she is doing. Tough to have that daily reminder of how she values you and the M. 4. Run the risk of a repeat offenceVery real for her...she is a serial cheater. And they DON'T change easily - if ever. Divorce Pro's and Cons Pro's 1. I have the chance to find some one new that I can trust (if I can ever trust anyone ever again)You can and will. Remember, SHE betrayed you...not the next woman. And yes we all live with that loss of complete trust. No BS EVER completely trusts again. 2. I could go to school and get mt CDL and start a whole new lifeYup. And even meet a new woman and tell her your divorced and your xW was a lying cheating PoS... 3. I guess I would be single again and that always has advantagesSee above. Con's 1. Terrible divorce battleProbably not. Virtually all D's end in a settlement. So aim for that. If your W doesn't like that...then she can be prepared to defend herself in open court. Which means she will have to face her lovers...in open court. Tell her she should bring her parents so they can see the evidence for themselves. My D is VERY civil for THOSE very reasons. Hell, we have already divided everything, agreed on visitation - all in one weekend. Very amicable. 2. Devistating financial ruin for the both of usOh well...yeah...no getting around that. Take comfort in knowing that its true for evey one in a D. And considering today's economic climate...join the crowd. I lost my house, my car, my job and tons of cash due to all this D crap...oh well. Just keep in mind the kids come first. It softens the blow. Ok, I'll call bull***** on my own post...it doesn't. Couldn't be happier. Well, I want my Porsche back but oh well... 3. The regret of never knowing if it was worth trying to saveBuddy...ain't nothing to save. You can try but if your W isnt 100% committed to changing her behvaior...I just don't see it. 4. Children will never know what its like to have mommy and daddy in the same home under normal happy circumstancesThey don't have that NOW. And NEVER did. They WILL adjust and be FINE IF you place their needs over petty grievances and revenge. My kids, 5 and 3, are doing well. Sure they have moments of despair and pain...and all I can do is love them, tell them its ok and go forward. My stbxw will pay the piper in due time...not the kids 5.I will feel like I threw out the most significant ocations of my entire lifeYou didn't. She did. Children aren't stupid. They will figure it out. Again...put them first and they will be ok.
Reggie Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 You need to see a lawyer. Your wife sounds as if she has a personality disorder, like BPD and you might want to research that, as well. She has a long history of promiscuity and serial cheating. These things do not change. I am sorry you are going through this. I had much the same thing going on and it hurts like hell. I am 3 years away from my XW and her abuse and madness. It gets better once you are out. People like your wife cannot change without years of therapy.
Untouchable_Fire Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 Well Bry.... If it were a clean break no kids cars houses and paychecks.... Than it would be a no brainer. However It isnt. and the devorce is likely to be as bad or worse than the offence it self.... That my friend is why Im here typing now..... Becuase Life in my case any how is not as simple as stay or go. Because its not just my life I have to concider.... And sometimes there are more important things than our own personal happienes. Yes, that is true! You need to think of more than yourself. Do you want your kids to grow up only knowing the pile of **** marriage you have now? Or would you rather them see you in a loving relationship? What they learn from you will go with them the rest of their lives... and how their mother acts towards you will haunt them forever. You can mitigate that by finding someone else to create a stable and loving home with. Also... you are scared of divorce, because you don't know the process, or what the actual consequences of it are. You need to learn up fast. Don't be too frightened to talk to a lawyer.
Reggie Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 You have no choice. You need to get out. Your kids need you ALIVE and being in a relationship with a disordered person will almost surely lead to premature death. YOur kids need a safe refuge, your place, when you have visitation. By the teen years, they will want to live with you as BPDs cannot tolerate teen rebellion. All hell will break lose between her and the kids when they get older. You need to take your financial lumps and start setting things up so they will have a place togo when tey can make a choice. Good that she is working. Now is the time to file to avoid alimony. Take the loss on the house if it comes to that, but get out and save yourself.
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 It's time for a divorce start liquidating all your assets.. getting a lawyer , a good one at that. and a dna test if possible that you have kids. I'd rather get it done now then go through anymore pain if I was you.
jnj express Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 You don't have to make a decision right now as to D or R. But you do have to take a stand and if she wants to stay in the mge., then she stops all this screwing around right now----Put it on her, for that is where it really is, either she stops talking to other guys, or she leaves. She also has to earn her way back into your trust. Do not worry about her, she is the cheater, and she is sure not worrying about you. As to the kids, you DO NOT stay in a bad mge., for the kids sake, split but peaceful homes are better than a single home where there is nothing but cheating, and arguing going on. You must be firm about what is going on, and actually i think the computer should be thrown away. People did live w/out computers once upon a time, and they got along very nicely. All your mge's problems stem from her using the computer to cheat, so get rid of the computer, and do not allow any means of her getting to other guys, into your home. If she doesn't like it, tell her to leave, you certainly have nothing to lose, cuz right now you are nothing but sloppy seconds
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