What do I do?

[oblivion9483]

My wife and I have been together for about 6 years now, married for 4 and a half years. We have two boys and an otherwise great life. Our problems with her started right before we got married. Were both in the Air Force, so we used to deploy a lot. Anyways during or engagement she calls me up from a delpoyed location and tells me that she dosnt want to get married any more. I asked if there was another guy... and she quickly replied no. SO devestated as I was... I just pressed on. But Im not realy the kind of guy to sit and do nothing..... So I checked out her e-mail account to see if I could figure out whats going on. I found her mailing her self some things to a "secret" e-mail account that I wanst aware of. So after some quick password guessing I got in! Turns out there WAS another guy.

 

So when she got home things where very akward. I slept in the basement and she slept in our room with the door locked. I confronted her about this other guy and she insisted that she never slept with him... But a friend of hers that was there thinks she did. The way she was acting when she got home from her deployment (guilty and withdrawn) kinda makes me want to belive her friend. Any ways we patched up that bump and got married several months latter.

 

Every thing was fine untill I Deployed in the middle of her pregnancy with our first son. I kinda got the vibe that something wasnt right during our phone calls. Anyways I asked her to take some naught pics of her self for me and she relied "I already did.... there on your computer for when you get back" It was kinda against her nature or at least what I new of her at the time.... so it kinda sent a little red flag up. So on my way home I checked out her e-mail again... I know Im kinda a snoop but theres not supposed to be secrets right? Any ways I found that she had emailed her self the pics that she had taken to another "secret" email account. This time I had no luck witth the password. So I do what I do best and take the bull by the horns and confronted her again. She told me that she just liked that email provider better and was moving the pics to my computer through email..... what ever happend to good old networks? But I droped it cuz I belived her.

 

Well Several months after the Picture incident I wanted to see what was up with that account.... Cuz her excuse just didnt hold water. So I did the old password reset and there it was. She had given the password to that account to a mutual friend of ours that she worked with. There were all kinds of I love you's back and forth between the two of them (love letters).

And guess what... a seperate folder with all of those pics that she took of her self. NICE!!!! So again I confront her.... this time Im shaking Im so angry. She said that it was a lonelyness thing while I was gone and she tried to blame the hormones of pregnancy. I asked about the pics and she said she had no Idea that they were there. She said they must have saved thems selfs to a folder while she was putting them on my computer. I didnt tell her that I knew that it was a user created folder and pics just dont save them selfs.... So I droped it again. But now Im keeping a VERY close eye on her.

 

Latter on down the road some where after our second son was born we moved to california. Things were going well for a couple of months. Than she became obsessivly addicted to MMO's (massivley multiplayer on line role playing games)... but its kinda my fault cuz I got her in to them. It wasnt realy a problem untill she started neglecting the house and kids.... I would come home from work after 12 or 13 hours and she would still be on the computer. There was food on the floor trash everywhere, the kids would still be up at 1:30 in the morning and she would allways claim that she "justs logged on" and she had been chasing the kids all day..... WTF 13 hour of child raising and house work dosnt lead to the horrible state that the house and kids where in.

 

So I would start hinting at first and out right voicing my dissatisfaction with her habbits. It became a real friction point in our mariage becase as she put it "you know I dont want to be a house wife" and "its not my fault I dont have a job" Well I was losing ground on that argument and gave it up... UNTILL one day at nearly four in the morning I went to go see why she was still up, I over herd her talking to an "in game" friend VERY OUT OF GAME on a voice chat program. Not just casual converstaion mind you but things about her Sexual prefferences that I never even knew!!! She even said that when she was a teen she would tell her parents she was going to the gym every day for 2 hours when in reality she was off sleeping with random guys... All while she was dating someone else!!!!

 

Well I kept my mouth shut and went the way I came. A few days latter I went on a trip for work. The whole time I was gone there was a lot of friction between us bucuse I knew what she was and I couldnt say anything becuse she would just lie about it or get mad and spin it back at me. So when I got home I started digging again... Guess what... She had looked through several travel sites for air fare rates to fly this guy out on the exact dates of my up coming trip!!! OMG!!! She was acctualy plotting to cheat on me. She denied it ofcourse.... she said she was just messing around and never actualy intended to do it.... You dont comparison shop for tickets if your not going to buy them!!! But thats what she said any ways. Her reasons were because of the problems in our relationship she just needed a shoulder to cry on. Well what ever

 

Almost a year after that, my good ole gut feeling alarm was going off again... But she had been covering her tracks to well so I couldnt figure out what was going on.... I ran a good scan of her computer and BOOM! There where those infamous pics again... but they had been deleted for two years! Or so I thought. She had pulled them off the camera and sent them via an IM. program. I found the pics in a cache file she didnt know about. Her excuse was that the guy that she used to work with must have sent them to her and they got logged in that file some how. Not likely!

 

Well after that we got new cell phones... Blackberrys. Now rather than being limmited to her online ways by computer access she was un tethered.

She keeps that phone in her hand at all times. Why? Because I found pics that she was taking of her self in her email sent to a budy of hers back in her home town.... and were not talking portrait pics.... She was sending them from her phone but she didnt realise that they were also going to her sent box in her email. She claims that they were for me and she screwed up and sent it to the wrong person.... MMMMHHHMMM... ok lets pretend I belive that.... Why didnt she resend it to me when she relised she screwed up? " I didint know I messed up" Ok well what about the delivery confermation email? Opened BTW. The BS is getting perdy thick now. So rather than admiting that shes messing around She fires back and gets angry with me. I guess I violated her trust and her privacy!?!?!? What about my trust? Well the cell phone pics keep going out im sure.... I cought her again with about 8 pics that she said she was saving just for me..... They were in there for about 5 days, I wonder what she was waiting for?

 

During all of this we were in the proccess of buying a new house.... Which I was starting to think was a realy horrible idea, because at this point devorce seems inevitable. But she insisted that we can work in things and to press on with life. Im just hanging in there for the sake of our kids. I dont even know what else to do. She treats all of our problems like Im the only one at fault in all of this and If I would just mind my buissnes and be nice to her none of this would be happening!!!! She forgets why it all started.... I even found emails of her crying to other guys about how bad her marriage is and blah blah blah.... But its her indescretions that got us here! I asked point blank today what she wanted from me so I could better take care of her and her reply was "I dont want to be taken care of! I can take care of my self, I thought you would have figured that out by now!" But in an email to some other dude she wrote "I just wish I could find someone that takes care of me half as well as I take care of them" Ok WTF? So I said "If you want to be single than just say so". I know I know.... Not the best thing to say... But at this point I dont understand whats going on... She donst want me to leave...... Trust me I tried..... She found out I was looking in to trucking school and she paniced. But she just keeps messing around.... Its like she loves to make me suffer. I used to think that this was all my fault but I dont think it is..... We have had some realy great times. Weve been through alot. She is my whole world. But that means atm my whole world is heart ache and distrust.... HELP!!! Please someone! What do I do?

[Untouchable_Fire]

During all of this we were in the proccess of buying a new house.... Which I was starting to think was a realy horrible idea, because at this point devorce seems inevitable. But she insisted that we can work in things and to press on with life. Im just hanging in there for the sake of our kids. I dont even know what else to do. She treats all of our problems like Im the only one at fault in all of this and If I would just mind my buissnes and be nice to her none of this would be happening!!!! She forgets why it all started.... I even found emails of her crying to other guys about how bad her marriage is and blah blah blah.... But its her indescretions that got us here! I asked point blank today what she wanted from me so I could better take care of her and her reply was "I dont want to be taken care of! I can take care of my self, I thought you would have figured that out by now!" But in an email to some other dude she wrote "I just wish I could find someone that takes care of me half as well as I take care of them" Ok WTF? So I said "If you want to be single than just say so". I know I know.... Not the best thing to say... But at this point I dont understand whats going on... She donst want me to leave...... Trust me I tried..... She found out I was looking in to trucking school and she paniced. But she just keeps messing around.... Its like she loves to make me suffer. I used to think that this was all my fault but I dont think it is..... We have had some realy great times. Weve been through alot. She is my whole world. But that means atm my whole world is heart ache and distrust.... HELP!!! Please someone! What do I do?

 

 

Bottom line is that she doesn't love you. Chances are she didnt really love you when you got married. You just pay the bills, and keep her from being lonely. She would leave you in a heartbeat if someone better came along. That probably has not happened simply due to your vigilance and snooping.

 

So, IF you choose to stay in this marriage, you cannot expect that she will change. Without actually losing you... I doubt she will realize what your worth. That seems to just be the type of person she is.

[Owl]

She is a repeat offender.

 

She has conducted multiple affairs...at LEAST emotionally (not that emotional affairs are any less devestating), but I'd heartily suspect that in all this time she's managed to take at least one if not more to a physical level.

 

She's not going to change.

 

This many times isn't an "accident"...it's simply showing her character.

 

I suggest that you see your lawyer, take preemptive measures, and file for divorce ASAP.

 

I doubt that's what you wanted to hear...but it IS the best advice I can give you.

[Mr. Lucky]

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

 

Fool me for the third, fouth, fifth and sixth times (that you know about) and you, my friend, should have your head examined for not heading out the door a long time ago. I'm a big believer in working on a marriage but, at least in your case, you've picked an amoral sociopath. Time to go ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Heroic]

My advice:

 

Go to the boot store. Buy a big one. Put it square on her butt as you send her packing.

[Dexter Morgan]

Stop the process of buying this new house NOW!!

 

Ask yourself this question...do you really want to live with a woman you can't trust? You really want to live with a woman whose face you have to look at every day and think to yourself, "this is one untrusworthy cheater"?

[Athena]

I am sorry, I couldn't even read past that you were buying a new home... what exactly are you expecting from your W?

 

 

I cannot even understand why you are putting up with all her crap when she doesn't even show an ounce of remorse. She just continues to lie! At least my H cries about the thought of losing me! At least he gives up the truth, eventually....

OMGosh... we are suckers... What exactly will it take for you to drop her?

[oblivion9483]

Not sure..... I just talked to her mom to get some advice from her as well. She wants us to go to counseling... Which I guess is worth a shot but I'm realy considering devorce

[Athena]

Not sure..... I just talked to her mom to get some advice from her as well. She wants us to go to counseling... Which I guess is worth a shot but I'm realy considering devorce

 

Counseling cannot fix a flawed character... what you are doing is buying more time for yourself... obviously there's something in it for you (a payoff) or else you wouldn't have put up with a cheating girlfriend, gone ahead and made her your wife, and even after more unacceptable behavior allowed yourself to become a parent with her! Why are you tying yourself down to such a loser?

 

You cannot cure her.

She is quite happy and content with her lifestyle... that is why she is never ever going to change... and btw you are obviously bending over backwards for her and she is confident that you will stick around for her. Very few men would have put up with what you have put up with! And for a reason!

 

Now you say you are thinking Divorce.

I agree that even if you cannot face a divorce NOW, that it is in your best interests to go and talk to a lawyer about what happens if there is a Divorce. And don't bother telling her since she never informs you of anything she is up to...

[Treasa]

Document EVERYTHING you can about her infidelity, including the addiction to the MMORPG, and go find a good attorney. Your wife makes me angry enough to want to smack her.

[oblivion9483]

I know ya'all are right... I prolly should just put a bullet in this lame horse I call a marriage but the divorce will be just as horrible..... We own Two houses and have debt... you know the usual sob story. But the kids and the fact that we practicaly work together..... Man.... I never realy thought it would come down to this. I told her a while ago I would just go.... Get a job Trucking and be gone.... But thats not exactly fair to the kids. But I dont want to live with the horrible reminders of such a touchy part of my life..... Thats why I havent left yet.

[Athena]

I know ya'all are right... I prolly should just put a bullet in this lame horse I call a marriage but the divorce will be just as horrible..... We own Two houses and have debt... you know the usual sob story. But the kids and the fact that we practicaly work together..... Man.... I never realy thought it would come down to this. I told her a while ago I would just go.... Get a job Trucking and be gone.... But thats not exactly fair to the kids. But I dont want to live with the horrible reminders of such a touchy part of my life..... Thats why I havent left yet.

 

Hmm, well avoiding the problems in your M are not going to make them go away...

[Untouchable_Fire]

I know ya'all are right... I prolly should just put a bullet in this lame horse I call a marriage but the divorce will be just as horrible..... We own Two houses and have debt... you know the usual sob story. But the kids and the fact that we practicaly work together..... Man.... I never realy thought it would come down to this. I told her a while ago I would just go.... Get a job Trucking and be gone.... But thats not exactly fair to the kids. But I dont want to live with the horrible reminders of such a touchy part of my life..... Thats why I havent left yet.

 

I know you have to think of your kids. Taking off should not really be an option for you.

 

Have you actually looked into a divorce? Perhaps it is not so frightening once you know what is involved.

 

If you could get past all the crap she has done so far... I would say counseling is a good option. Otherwise if your not both 100% committed to fixing things, its just a giant waste of time and money.

 

Do you believe that she loves you?

[oblivion9483]

I know you have to think of your kids. Taking off should not really be an option for you.

 

Have you actually looked into a divorce? Perhaps it is not so frightening once you know what is involved.

 

If you could get past all the crap she has done so far... I would say counseling is a good option. Otherwise if your not both 100% committed to fixing things, its just a giant waste of time and money.

 

Do you believe that she loves you?

 

Well she said counseling might be a good thing... But Im just so full of resent. Im almost entirely consumed with this issue and it kills me to see that its a non issue to her. Like "Oh sure we can go to counseling it'll be fun". If she does love me she has a terrible way of showing it!

[delajoonal]

OMG! if you live in California...DO NOT BUY A HOME at this point..

GET OUT NOW!

 

California is a 50/50 state and also NO fault, meaning you are going to get scewed on alimony and child support, because she has NOT been working, but been a 'stay at home mom', the courts take THAT part serious...also, because CA is a No Fault state, you cannot USE any of W 'indiscretions' against her...like some states will take into account the affairs, etc...and then determine alimony, and property division etc...NOT California!

 

but, because W has marketable skills, you mentioned being in the military?

the courts could put a short term alimony, meaning, they will give her a certain amount of time to get up off her bum and get a job..

 

BUT then the kids play into this factor as well..

if a new job means time away from the kids that is a detrimental part/time, the courts take than into consideration too...

 

so basically everything depends on who gets the children?

 

anyway, just do not buy a house with a woman that is so clearly cheating on you..EA or PA, they both are sucky and wrong and hurtful and are grounds for divorce....

 

i mean really, will YOU EVER be able to TRUST her again????

really???????

 

it sounds like you adore her...but sweetie...she will keep doing this and each time push it to a higher level...think STD's, your childrens safety and what if those pics get out and to the schools etc...OMG! how horrifying for your children to live with...their peers will taunt them daily...

 

it is time for you to make a HUGE decision?

 

we can give you our opinions and advice, but in the end, it is up to you...

 

think of your childrens happiness and health...being up at 130AM DOES NOT sound healthy to me...and a filthy house taboot:(

 

btb, i KNOW how hard this decision is..i am going thru it myself right now..my stbx had an onine EA...it ihas been broken up for a few months now...BUT i will never forget IT or the LOVE YOU's at the end of their emails..ack!

 

i know i will never trust my stbx again...breaks my heart..i love him dearly...but...i gotta move on...

 

you do to:o

[oblivion9483]

OMG! if you live in California...DO NOT BUY A HOME at this point..

GET OUT NOW!

 

California is a 50/50 state and also NO fault, meaning you are going to get scewed on alimony and child support, because she has NOT been working, but been a 'stay at home mom', the courts take THAT part serious...also, because CA is a No Fault state, you cannot USE any of W 'indiscretions' against her...like some states will take into account the affairs, etc...and then determine alimony, and property division etc...NOT California!

 

but, because W has marketable skills, you mentioned being in the military?

the courts could put a short term alimony, meaning, they will give her a certain amount of time to get up off her bum and get a job..

 

BUT then the kids play into this factor as well..

if a new job means time away from the kids that is a detrimental part/time, the courts take than into consideration too...

 

so basically everything depends on who gets the children?

 

anyway, just do not buy a house with a woman that is so clearly cheating on you..EA or PA, they both are sucky and wrong and hurtful and are grounds for divorce....

 

i mean really, will YOU EVER be able to TRUST her again????

really???????

 

it sounds like you adore her...but sweetie...she will keep doing this and each time push it to a higher level...think STD's, your childrens safety and what if those pics get out and to the schools etc...OMG! how horrifying for your children to live with...their peers will taunt them daily...

 

it is time for you to make a HUGE decision?

 

we can give you our opinions and advice, but in the end, it is up to you...

 

think of your childrens happiness and health...being up at 130AM DOES NOT sound healthy to me...and a filthy house taboot:(

 

btb, i KNOW how hard this decision is..i am going thru it myself right now..my stbx had an onine EA...it ihas been broken up for a few months now...BUT i will never forget IT or the LOVE YOU's at the end of their emails..ack!

 

i know i will never trust my stbx again...breaks my heart..i love him dearly...but...i gotta move on...

 

you do to:o

 

Um I guess I suck than... Cuz the house is already bought..... We moved in this weekend. So its nice and clean and im doing what I can to keep it that way. She is working now but at the time of a lot of that stuff she wasnt.... I know buying this house was prolly a bad idea.... but than again im full of those lol.

[delajoonal]

oblivion9483....

 

anyway, what's done is done...so it sounds like you are both making the best of it;)

 

i DO hope it works out for you and for your childrens sake too...would be a nice change to see a happy ending around here;)

 

take care...

[oblivion9483]

Well I finally got the truth. She Did actually have a PA with that guy she was giving all those pics to about 4 years ago. The only way I could drag that out of her was by posing as a friend of one of her friends and trying to "hook up" with her. SHE PURSUED A PA NO LESS!!!!! So I sprung the trap on her and now things are really really bad. I dont think I have ever felt so alone in my entire life.... Who can I talk to? I cant talk to my friends because they all work with my wife and the rumors would fly. And Im just to humiliated to go to my own parents, besides they have enough to deal with! OMG my kids are going to grow up in a broken home family!....... Im compleatly lost now. I guess the sencible thing would be to see a lawyer, but for some reason I just can bring my self to andmit its probly over. OMG I fell sick

[jwi71]

oblivion you have a very simple choice: stay or leave.

 

Consider what each means to you and move forward down that path.

 

Personally, I would talk to a lawyer, file and go forward. You have NOTHING to be ashamed of so lean on your friends and family.

 

I wouldn't tolerate a loveless M where you stay for the kids or you stay because you are merely content. Find happiness. Find a woman who WILL be faithful and put YOU first.

[seibert253]

Well I finally got the truth. She Did actually have a PA with that guy she was giving all those pics to about 4 years ago. The only way I could drag that out of her was by posing as a friend of one of her friends and trying to "hook up" with her. SHE PURSUED A PA NO LESS!!!!! So I sprung the trap on her and now things are really really bad. I dont think I have ever felt so alone in my entire life.... Who can I talk to? I cant talk to my friends because they all work with my wife and the rumors would fly. And Im just to humiliated to go to my own parents, besides they have enough to deal with! OMG my kids are going to grow up in a broken home family!....... Im compleatly lost now. I guess the sencible thing would be to see a lawyer, but for some reason I just can bring my self to andmit its probly over. OMG I fell sick

 

You need to confront here with what you know, then boot her out your home. She's a lying, cheating, wh#re, has been and will continue to be. You and your children deserve better. It's hard and you feel all alone, but you are not. We are here for you. Above all else remember, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT! She has and will try to make your feel this, but no matter what the circumstances, she's the one that chose her path. No one forced her to spread her legs for someone other than her husband.

 

I think you need to come to the realization of what she is, what she's done to you, and what she will continue to do if you let her. She's a serial cheater and she's never going to change.

 

With all that being said, she needs to leave and you need to contact an attorney ASAP. Have divorce papers drawn and have her served. I would also tell everyone, family, friends, everyone what she's done. Sounds mean spirited, but alls fair in love and war.

[oblivion9483]

oblivion you have a very simple choice: stay or leave.

 

Consider what each means to you and move forward down that path.

 

Personally, I would talk to a lawyer, file and go forward. You have NOTHING to be ashamed of so lean on your friends and family.

 

I wouldn't tolerate a loveless M where you stay for the kids or you stay because you are merely content. Find happiness. Find a woman who WILL be faithful and put YOU first.

 

A simple choice as far ad the number of options go.... as far as actual reality is concerned it is a horrifyingly complex thing to have to deal with

[jwi71]

A simple choice as far ad the number of options go.... as far as actual reality is concerned it is a horrifyingly complex thing to have to deal with

 

So consider each path, stay or go.

 

Each has pros and each has cons.

 

Why don't you post what YOU see as the pros and cons of each here...

 

And a little background on me...my stbxw cheated, I tired to work on it, she didn't...she got served. I have two kids under 5. BTDT...

[Bryanp]

How much more humiliation and total disrespect are you willing to endure? Are you going to wait until she gives you an STD? By the way my guess is that you know only the tip of the iceberg. I would have paternity tests on your children. If the roles were reversed do you think she would put up with such crap and humiliation from you? It is clear from her actions that she has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[oblivion9483]

So consider each path, stay or go.

 

Each has pros and each has cons.

 

Why don't you post what YOU see as the pros and cons of each here...

 

And a little background on me...my stbxw cheated, I tired to work on it, she didn't...she got served. I have two kids under 5. BTDT...

 

 

Well I will give the pro's and cons than =D

 

Pro's first

Staying together

1. No divorce settlements or custody battle

2. Children can have a chance at a normal family life.... (I never had that option)

3.Have a chance to rebuild our relationship in to something better.

4. Will get to see my kids every day or close to anyways

5.And if it dosnt work out in the end I know way deep down I did EVERYTHING I could. I will have no regrets

 

Con's

1. I will have to live with the knowledge of what she did to me for the rest of our lives and still overcome it

2. I will allways have a lingering doubt about her honesty

3. The loss of dignity I would have to swallow

4. Run the risk of a repeat offence

 

Divorce Pro's and Cons

 

Pro's

1. I have the chance to find some one new that I can trust (if I can ever trust anyone ever again)

2. I could go to school and get mt CDL and start a whole new life

3. I guess I would be single again and that always has advantages

 

Con's

1. Terrible divorce battle

2. Devistating financial ruin for the both of us

3. The regret of never knowing if it was worth trying to save

4. Children will never know what its like to have mommy and daddy in the same home under normal happy circumstances

5.I will feel like I threw out the most significant ocations of my entire life

[oblivion9483]

How much more humiliation and total disrespect are you willing to endure? Are you going to wait until she gives you an STD? By the way my guess is that you know only the tip of the iceberg. I would have paternity tests on your children. If the roles were reversed do you think she would put up with such crap and humiliation from you? It is clear from her actions that she has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

 

Well Bry.... If it were a clean break no kids cars houses and paychecks.... Than it would be a no brainer. However It isnt. and the devorce is likely to be as bad or worse than the offence it self.... That my friend is why Im here typing now..... Becuase Life in my case any how is not as simple as stay or go. Because its not just my life I have to concider.... And sometimes there are more important things than our own personal happienes.