'Trying'....

[londongirl]

Hello.

 

This is my first post on this forum and I am very sad to realise that this forum

is the most appropriate one to post on.

 

I hope someone will be able to offer me some advice or perspective here.

 

My marriage has been rocky for a little while now. My husband and I are both young - we married at only 21 and are now almost 5 years down the line. There is someone else involved for him - I guess you would call it an emotional affair, it's not physical, but there is a strong emotional connection there.

 

Anyway. We both know that the reason this other relationship started for him is because things were not right in his marriage. It boils down to him just not being sure if we are right for one another. For him, the other woman (who is a colleague) is symptomatic. For me... well, she's the other woman. It's a major problem in itself.

 

We've had big fights about this, we've more or less broken up a couple of times, but after a lot of tears and thought we have decided to try. Neither of us want to give up now, we want to try and do everything we can to make things right.

 

He's not in love with me any more and he tells me he isn't attracted to me any more either. I still love him completely and am so entirely sure that he is the only one for me. I just can't ever imagine not loving him. It breaks my heart to think of life without him. In spite of the amount that he has hurt me, I really just want to work things out and have them go back to the days when they were good.

 

I just don't know what to do about any of this - what does 'trying' actually involve? And how should I be dealing with the fact that although he claims to have severed contact with the other woman once and for all, I know for a fact that he has lied about this in the past and that it is very difficult for him to not see her at all because they work in the same office and share a lot of work friends and therefore social activities. It's not feasible at all for him to quit his job at the moment - I asked him once in a moment of desperate sadness, bt I know that it isn't really the answer here because he is the only earner out of the two of us and so it would not help things at all if we had no income, really! Finding a new job in his position in his sector at the moment would be as good as impossible.

 

We are in counselling, I just wondered if anybody had any advice on how we can try and work things out. This is such a difficult time. I cry all the time and I know he finds it very hard too although he deals with his emotions differently.

 

We have made the decision to try so at the moment I am trying not to reappraise that decision and I am encouraging him not to rethink it either. It's hard though to come on here and start reading the stories - there are so many stories of things not working out, do these things ever actually work out?! Can the love and the attraction come back again do you think? And how long do you think it may take? We're not setting time limits, but I'm just wondering, maybe from the point of view of someone who has been there.

 

Thanks in advance for your thoughts, and I'm sorry if my explanations are a bit unclear, my head's cotton wool at the moment.....

[Athena]

Hi there. I have also just embarked on this path -- the wondering if M will work out or not, so I am not one whose response you are looking for, as a W who has succeeded in what you are hoping for.

 

Nevertheless, I have been married for 23 years to a man I love/d very much. A man who has a tendency to have affairs every so often, but who claims he cannot live his life without me.

 

I believe a M can survive as long as both of you do not fall out of love at the same time...

I also think that YOU need to find the strength in yourself to be good to yourself and take care of your emotional, physical, spiritual needs now. The was I see it, you are heading towards a break-down (not that I can blame you) but it will make you even less attractive in your H's eyes!

 

I am sure the OW who is working alongside him must be shining in confidence and happiness, and in stark contrast your H will see you unhappy and desperate.

If it is at all possible for you, you should look for work immediately, or at least begin some studies. Make sure you exercise and eat healthily.

You need to showcase your own attractiveness to H as well as feel good about yourself for your own self-esteem.

 

Reach out to your friends and family members at this time, even if your instinct is to withdraw from society and isolate yourself.

Start doing your own thing too, as well as continuing to attend counseling with your H.

 

Part of Attraction is the inner self-confidence and beauty that shines out from within a happy person.

 

Another point is that a R is often like a dance... he makes moves to retreat, you advance, and vice versa. So try not to 'chase' after him because looking desperate is NOT attractive... but neither is 'indifference' so treat him nicely, be kind, affectionate, and take care of Yourself!