Isolde Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 I agree with you papercut, people overanalyze and self-protect way too early on. You never know where there will be chemistry or not, so why not approach anyone who seems interesting, if you're prepared for either eventuality? And it's not true that attractive men necessarily make the girl do the chasing. While they're more likely to have a big ego, they will pursue you if interested! 1
Trialbyfire Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 There's no doubt that attractive men can and do approach when interested. They're just like any other men. Some are in your face, not giving you a second to think about it, if they're highly interested! Generally speaking, the men who expect women to approach, are the ones who have big egos or are shy and afraid of rejection. There are also men who aren't terribly interested, so they don't bother approaching. 1
tigressA Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 I did let my current boyfriend 'chase' me a little bit--sometimes I would fail to appear among our mutual group of friends so he would have to seek me out; I "accidentally" missed his calls a couple of times. But I always called back later, and I never said "No, I can't, I'm too busy" whenever he asked to hang out. If I actually hadn't been able to at the time he had asked, I suggested a different time that was convenient for us both. I do believe that if someone is truly interested in you that they cannot be "too busy" to make time for you. And if they do say that, it's time to look elsewhere. 1
bean1 Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" is a great book (especially "Mars and Venus on a date"). It has nothing to do with games. It talks about how men may naturally pursue a woman they are interested in, but that a woman should be receptive to those advantages. It also talks about how women should expect various stages in a relationship, including uncertainty, and to realize that this is natural at times. It also talks about how men prefer to "cave" (seek solitude) during times of emotional stress and that a woman should use that time to enjoy her interests and friends as being supportive, rather than chasing him down like a rabbit trying to make him feel better. Basically, it says don't be his mom - support him by staying positive. It also teaches the difference between that and a man pulling away (ie. not interested anymore). I would recommend it to anyone. 1
You'reasian Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 I did let my current boyfriend 'chase' me a little bit--sometimes I would fail to appear among our mutual group of friends so he would have to seek me out; I "accidentally" missed his calls a couple of times. But I always called back later, and I never said "No, I can't, I'm too busy" whenever he asked to hang out. If I actually hadn't been able to at the time he had asked, I suggested a different time that was convenient for us both. I do believe that if someone is truly interested in you that they cannot be "too busy" to make time for you. And if they do say that, it's time to look elsewhere. There really are people that are "too busy" - unless you're willing to take a call at 3AM (and no woman wants to get called at that hour - with some exceptions). Take emergency medics, law students, investment bankers etc. - all jobs that might require strange hours and long days with little time in between. Add to that time zone differences if its a LDR.
kizik Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 It also talks about how men prefer to "cave" (seek solitude) during times of emotional stress and that a woman should use that time to enjoy her interests and friends as being supportive, rather than chasing him down like a rabbit trying to make him feel better. Ugh, I hate that book. As if men are the only ones who retreat into their "caves". My exGF (who is one mean bitch) used to always need like an hour to calm down, etc. Grey does a disservice to his readers by making every single aspect of relationships gender-specific. It might be a good book for the 1950s, but in today's times, it's archaic and just plain dumb.
tigressA Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 There really are people that are "too busy" - unless you're willing to take a call at 3AM (and no woman wants to get called at that hour - with some exceptions). Take emergency medics, law students, investment bankers etc. - all jobs that might require strange hours and long days with little time in between. Add to that time zone differences if its a LDR. That's true; I didn't think of that. I'm in college; I was thinking of a guy friend of mine who was in love with a girl; they were friends--in Model UN together; they talked online sometimes and they'd see each other on campus. He had asked her to dinner one day and she said, "I can't; I'm too busy" and proceeded to tell him all the things she had to do. I've had schedules like what he told me she had and I would've at least tried to make the time for someone I liked; this girl didn't even do that. So I had to break it to him that she most likely wasn't interested, and it ended up being true--she filed a stalking complaint against my friend after he had drunk-dialed her one night while out at a bar.
CommitmentPhobe Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 Remember that the goal of the author is to sell books first, impart wisdom second. Agree I might write a book "why women like commitment phobes"
WhyYesThankYou Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 I might write a book "why women like commitment phobes" I like commitment-phobes because at least they're being honest. Given the high rates of infidelity, divorce, general unhappiness and even joking about the monotony of monogamy while in a relationship, the "commitment-phobes," i.e. the guys who say they don't want to be in an exclusive relationship, are at least aware and being honest about their reservations. Give me a fling or an open-ended relationship with a commitment-phobe any day. At least I know where I stand with them.
You'reasian Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 I like commitment-phobes because at least they're being honest. Given the high rates of infidelity, divorce, general unhappiness and even joking about the monotony of monogamy while in a relationship, the "commitment-phobes," i.e. the guys who say they don't want to be in an exclusive relationship, are at least aware and being honest about their reservations. Give me a fling or an open-ended relationship with a commitment-phobe any day. At least I know where I stand with them. Whatever you do....avoid the nice, commitment-phile guys
tkgirl Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 I've just finished reading an interesting little book called, "Why Men Love Bitches". One of the things the author touches on is that a man will inevitably appreciate something more if he has worked hard to obtain it. This applies to a man pursuing a woman. She uses an example of men camping out in a crummy little tent for an entire week, surviving on food prisoners wouldn't even touch simply for the thrill of hunting game. However, if you were to plunk the very same animal down on their doorstep already dead, they wouldn't appreciate it half as much because it was handed to them. There was no effort involved in obtaining it. I've also read that "the chase" is a mating ritual dating back to primitive times. I've often noticed that the men whom I have no interest in and try to 'brush off' are the ones who keep trying. Some (not all) take the word 'no' as their queue to try harder. A recent ex of mine follows the 'rubber band' pattern to a tee. Whenever I was to get too close, he'd back right off. Whenever I backed off, he'd try to get closer. Anyway, my fellow LoveShackers, I'd really appreciate your thoughts on this. I recently read the same book and found it very interesting... so much of it made sense. I think we, meaning us women, tend to under-value ourselves and then we wonder why guys treat us like crap! I've been trying to apply a lot of what I learned from this book and I don't know, but I'm a lot happier. I will no longer "settle" for a guy who can't recognize me as the goddess that I am! just kidding.... but really, I want to be with a guy that really WANTS me too... loves, respects and cherishes me... or I'd much rather be alone! 1
lolarose Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Hope this thread isn't dead. Just read through and it was intrigued. MY question is, however .. or at least my experience has been that men chase me....and yea, I give in in the sense that I let them know i like them, but I maintain my own life, rarely call them unless they call me, and definitely dont act like my life revolves around them. I treat relationships like an ADDITION to my life, not a necessity ....and they still run away and move onto another. Im not saying im one of those cold bitches who play games. Im just old fashioned. I act interested, yet maintain my distance and keep my independence. So, are there some men out there who still view this as if they've "won" the woman and they STILL get bored....even if the woman is not all over them 24/7? Do some just get bored if they meet a woman they can see themselves actually settling down with? Is it possible that they get scared of their OWN feelings for the woman and not scared that SHE is coming on too strong? Ideas anyone? Cause it baffles the crap out of me. I dont play games, but my human nature is to just chill and let the relationship progress naturally. I never make demands on guys and they seem to think I'm awesome, only to see them stop calling 3 weeks later and move onto another girl.....and they always end up settling down with THAT girl. Weird as hell.
lolarose Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 oh and just to add to that...I never even get to sleep with them. So it's not like they make that conquest. LOL Therefore, I also never get any because they always "want to make this a serious thing" and hold out on sleeping with me right away!
loser101 Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Ditto. I too need to become more superficial and women have actually reaffirmed this too. When I go for average-lookers with good personality, they usually don't feel the chemistry and want to be friends - which is strange, because I consider myself atleast average looking. When I go for women whom are really cool or smokin' hot, I somehow get a connection...lol Doesn't really make sense, but I'll take it. it's about being touch with your sexuality. if you get hit on a lot (ie good looking) you view the world much more as your playground
Chicago_Guy Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Hope this thread isn't dead. Just read through and it was intrigued. MY question is, however .. or at least my experience has been that men chase me....and yea, I give in in the sense that I let them know i like them, but I maintain my own life, rarely call them unless they call me, and definitely dont act like my life revolves around them. I treat relationships like an ADDITION to my life, not a necessity ....and they still run away and move onto another. Im not saying im one of those cold bitches who play games. Im just old fashioned. I act interested, yet maintain my distance and keep my independence. So, are there some men out there who still view this as if they've "won" the woman and they STILL get bored....even if the woman is not all over them 24/7? Do some just get bored if they meet a woman they can see themselves actually settling down with? Is it possible that they get scared of their OWN feelings for the woman and not scared that SHE is coming on too strong? Ideas anyone? Cause it baffles the crap out of me. I dont play games, but my human nature is to just chill and let the relationship progress naturally. I never make demands on guys and they seem to think I'm awesome, only to see them stop calling 3 weeks later and move onto another girl.....and they always end up settling down with THAT girl. Weird as hell. The men who initially chase after you probably think you aren't that into them if you rarely ever initiate phone calls, for example. I know that I would stop putting forth effort if a woman I liked seemed to never make any effort on her own to contact me.
loser101 Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 oh and just to add to that...I never even get to sleep with them. So it's not like they make that conquest. LOL Therefore, I also never get any because they always "want to make this a serious thing" and hold out on sleeping with me right away! I keep going on about this until I am blue in the face: stop looking at yourself as a vagina that's only interesting to a man because he hasn't had sex with it yet. it sounds to me that those men stopped calling you after 3 weeks because they felt they weren't getting anywhere with you. yes there are some guys that will only want to have sex with you, but that's the case no matter how long you wait so get over it. then there are others that want a relationship but if they feel you keep holding out for something they can't quite fathom, they will give up! you are a human being who is entitled to fun and enjoyment and it is important that you only have sex with someone when you are ready but at the same it please stop viewing sex as some prize for that guy. you would have to be amazing in bed for that - for starters. enjoy dating and stop being so uptight about it!
Lizzie60 Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 A recent ex of mine follows the 'rubber band' pattern to a tee. Whenever I was to get too close, he'd back right off. Whenever I backed off, he'd try to get closer. I have said this before.. and will say it again.. this is soooo true.. the one who is being 'independant' has the other one at its feet... work every time.
Woggle Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 I never chase after women because it is a waste of time. I prefer the no games approach.
dressing up Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 I've often noticed that the men whom I have no interest in and try to 'brush off' are the ones who keep trying. Some (not all) take the word 'no' as their queue to try harder. Agreed. However as some other self-respecting male posters said, they won't chase down someone who isn't interested. I agree with that too. No male with half a brain would go after someone they know they most likely have no chance of getting. But if the female shows some signs of interest but may just seem not to be entirely sure yet or entirely in the bag yet, that's when the chase comes in. To seal the deal.
Joey Popps Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 What the author seems to have left out is how many of these women play the game to a tee and never really tell the guy they aren't interested. They might go a few days without contact but then set up a date or get together. Most guys are going to walk away after a woman tells them they aren't interested or show absolutely no interest at all. But if she gets back to them, hangs out with them, hooks up with them, then the game is on. Only a loser would continue to pursue somebody who shows no interest at all. On the other hand a lot of guys would pursue an attractive female who they wind up hooking up with every once in a while.
lolarose Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 The men who initially chase after you probably think you aren't that into them if you rarely ever initiate phone calls, for example. I know that I would stop putting forth effort if a woman I liked seemed to never make any effort on her own to contact me. No, see this is exactly what I am trying to get at. He DEFINITELY knew I was interested. He knows I still am and wont give me the time of day. I'm just saying that I didnt call him constantly and act all like we were a serious item. In fact, the one or 2 times I did call, he didnt answer or call back and then immediately got cold and distant on me. All it took was one phone call to "chase him away" apparently - this is just the most recent case. But I basically have it happen to me every few mos. They also disappear right after the "youre so perfect. I dont know how any guy wouldnt want to date you" speech - and then they dont date me. So weird. They all say it. It s like they all know each other. lol.
lolarose Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 A recent ex of mine follows the 'rubber band' pattern to a tee. Whenever I was to get too close, he'd back right off. Whenever I backed off, he'd try to get closer. I have said this before.. and will say it again.. this is soooo true.. the one who is being 'independant' has the other one at its feet... work every time. I WISH this worked for me. lol
Chicago_Guy Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 No, see this is exactly what I am trying to get at. He DEFINITELY knew I was interested. He knows I still am and wont give me the time of day. I'm just saying that I didnt call him constantly and act all like we were a serious item. In fact, the one or 2 times I did call, he didnt answer or call back and then immediately got cold and distant on me. All it took was one phone call to "chase him away" apparently - this is just the most recent case. But I basically have it happen to me every few mos. They also disappear right after the "youre so perfect. I dont know how any guy wouldnt want to date you" speech - and then they dont date me. So weird. They all say it. It s like they all know each other. lol. That guy must not have liked you very much. If I like a girl, then it's nice if she calls me unless she calls me every hour at work or something crazy like that.
lolarose Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 That guy must not have liked you very much. If I like a girl, then it's nice if she calls me unless she calls me every hour at work or something crazy like that. yea, obviously.
lolarose Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 That guy must not have liked you very much. If I like a girl, then it's nice if she calls me unless she calls me every hour at work or something crazy like that. he obviously didnt like me. my frustration is in "why"? especially when he was the one that was so into me. And literally the first time I ever reciprocated and initiated a phone call, POOF.
Recommended Posts