Soul Bear Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 So after a 4.5 year engagement, and now 1 month of being split, We have been emailing a few times.. Im trying to cope with this. Her email- Thought I'd clarify things myself. I'm not playing any games here, you have got the wrong end of the stick. Its over between us, in my mind there is no hope of a reconciliation. I do want to be friends with you, but clearly that can't happen until you accept this and really move on. I think we should sever contact completely for a while. You need to move on, and I still need space from you. I wish you well. My reply I know its over, I was hoping to start again, a better and more balanced relationship and work fwd together slowly and win together as we always have. I know where i went wrong and I am changing. Well i cant be 'friends' with someone who I am in love with and have deep routed feelings for. Im amazed that you can feel such emptieness an hatred for me after everything we have been through. I guess that sums up about you at the moment. I dont need you, this I have learned. However I do want you in my life....well.... i did. That when i knew it was love, that felling of not needing you to complete me, yet still wanting you. And as far as 'friends' go, I feel like you have shown me very little dignity, honour and respect during this break up. You speak to me like Im an enemy, or some distant aquaintance. Not like someone at all who you have shared thw last 4.5 years with. You say in your mind there is no hope, Its a shame you didnt think with your heart instead. I have tried very hard to see where things went wrong, and I have tried very hard to try and let you know that i know. I am really changing these problem areas to fix not only myself, but to make us happier together- like my temper and my attitude. If you are really willing to throw all this away, then thats fine. I will sever all contact with you, and who knows, maybe one day i will have fallen out of love enough to be 'just friends' with you and not give a **** about anything else. I wouldnt count on it tho, you broke my heart into a billion peices, and the more i contact you the more you trample them into the ground. Its very sad indeed. I know we shared alot of beautiful moments together, even up at the river, but im guessing you practiced hating me up there recently instead of remembering all the amazing moments you and I have shared. I was very sad when i heard about that. Do you even remember any of them? Doesnt seem like it to me. Its very strange, and very hard to lose your best frind, your lover, and your everything else in the space of a month. Well, i cant say i havent tried anyway to reconcile with you. I have changed, but so have your feelings about me. You dont love or care for me anymore. Unless you are contacting me to say you want to give things a new shot, and you believe that I truly have learned my lessons this time, please dont ever contact me again. I cant do it. I hope you will understand that it just hurts to much. At this point my heart is still open to you, and my door is open too if you wanted to return here and make this home your own with me. Im not going to sit about like a door mat waiting for you tho, Im going to move on. I suggest you think long and hard about what it is that you really liked about me and all the good times together, cos at some point, this personal high your on is going to come crashing down, and im no longer gonna be there, nor want to be there to help. Sometimes you dont know what you have till its gone, and im telling you, the grass isnt greener. Well, i have almost gone now. ...and before you know it its gonna be to late. Ill bet my soul on it. her reply wow... for pete's sake I do not feel any hatred towards you at all. I do remember the good times, your good qualities, I just felt I had to be a bit blunt in order to get my message through. This whole time I have been nothing but honest with you, and I have tried to be sensitive, but most of all I have been trying to make you understand where I'm at. What happened to all that understanding? I'm not going to explain myself anymore. I really do wish you well. I understand that this is hard. If you ever decide you would like to be friends, do not hesitate to get in touch. I have an email from a mutual friend she was seeing at the weekend too For sure she loves you deeply, (my name). Right now she feels it's healthier to be your buddy rather than your bedmate, but who knows what changes time will bring. Give it a year, two... it woudn't surprise me one bit to be making tea for the two of you again a bit further down the line :-) This has all made me so mad I cant be her friend for f*ucks sake.
carhill Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 That last part is a mind f*ck, if a female wrote it. Since few men besides myself make "tea", I'll assume it was a woman. Always remember, when a woman says negative words, believe them, and, when she says positive words, look for her actions to back them up. We're here to support you during NC while you heal
EmperorR Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 The last part is bs, don't believe that false hope crap.
Author Soul Bear Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 it was a man who wrote it! he is in his 50's and is no threat, that i know... He has been a mutual friend. Im so hacked off with her. GRRRRR!!!! Thanks Carhill, you have been a rock to me on this iste so far And EmpororR, thanks for allways keeping it real!
Author Soul Bear Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 No one has answered my question yet! Did i say the right things?
carhill Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 In the future, don't project how she feels. You have no way of knowing. Limit yourself to simple words about any regrets for your own actions you might have and how the overall experience was positive for you and you are glad she shared your life for awhile. Keep it simple. Do not re-write what you've already written. This is for the next time, if there is one.
fabulous_chk Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 You should have never sent that letter. =( It reeks of desperation, bitterness, anger....it shows you in a negative light. But it's ok since you got it out of your system it's time for you to start your NC.
Author Soul Bear Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 Im just hurting.....I still love her She wants to be friends, and i cant be friends with her as i still love her. Sh i t ... I know i shouldnt have sent it, but i was just so angry that she wants to be friends, its like rubbing it in my face.... Plus she has been so cold with me the whole breakup......... maybe staying friends could have lead to somewhere else again. a better place....and i shot myself in the foot. CARHILL!!!WHY DID I NOT LISTEN TO YOU ON MY FIRST POST??? YOU SAID NC TILL SHE RETURNS. UGH....i feel like now i have done the wrong thing...again. I am still trying to reconcile..... I dont feel like i can give up that easy... I will go NC, but if she calls i will answer.... you cant just turn off those feelings like that so fast...maybe some time to herself will show her that its not so green after all. Maybe after some time she will want to reconcile....maybe not.... Her mum keeps sending me messages asking how i am. about 1 a week.
JeezLouise Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 Wow, you really were nasty to her, when all of the conversations and emails from her have seemed cordial and warm (not hot, but not cold, either). How many times did she have to tell you that it was over? And when she finally gets right down to it, you jumped dead in her mess and accused her of hating you, etc. Man, you need to CHILL. Leave her alone. Start working on a plan for bringing new things into your life to help break the habit of her and to bring new experiences in your life for enjoyment.
Author Soul Bear Posted May 7, 2009 Author Posted May 7, 2009 ****.....Now i have thought about it, that was pretty nasty. I am regretting it instantly..... I have to fix this, i respect her more than to be like that and it was wrong of me. Im just hurting and confused....
vessv6l Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 Forget that last part of that email about getting back together years down the track. As if you are going to wait around for a couple of years for this girl to change her mind. **** that. MY ex said the same thing to her friends, she's in dreamland my friend. Im so much better then her she has no hope in hell. So forget that and move on! Now you think you over reacted in the email. Whats done is done, you said what you felt you wanted to at the time. There is no fixing it. You cant send her a new one saying your sorry for the old one. She will be very confused. Mate forget it, forget contact with her, dont even talk to her with mutal friends. Shut her out of your life
Biggie25x Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 It was a heart felt letter by someone whose life was ripped out from under them. Could it have been better? Sure. But live and learn. Next time try not to project her feelings, just deal with your own. I too am in a situation where the wife decided to end it but wants to remain friends. I say F### her! That only makes her feel better but leaves you/me feeling like crap. It removes some of their guilt if they know that you and they can remain friends. This is not a soap opera, this is real life with real emotions. You may never be able to be friends. That is not what you meant to each other and had a relationship for. Your relationship was deeper than that. How can you be downgraded to friends? That's the ultimate degradation and humiliation. Don't let her do it to you if YOU don't want it. If she doesn't want you in her life don't let her be in yours.
mmk1 Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 As I said in your other thread, she told you her honest feelings are you argued with her, which will never get you anywhere unless she wants to change. Please do not send her any more emails unless you want to be friends. If that day never comes, do not send her anything else. And no, being friends is not the way back to being in a relationship.
1bee Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 NO. DO NOT be her friend. It will degrade you and will not make her appreciate you at all. this is the deadly mistake that we all make. someone breaks up with you and then says, "we can still be friends" that is just a f##king punch to the face right there my friend. like someone else said they are just trying to make themselves out to be the f##king hero. this has happened to me with my ex and i fell for it completely. do not make this mistake. by being their friend allows them to take you for granted since you are desperate for them and still love them they will see you as pathetic and won't see you as what you were but as a little pet that's a shadow of their former self. do not let her lower you like that. cut off contact and get your old self back. i know this is hard. and don't tell her you've changed. it also screams desperate.
Author Soul Bear Posted May 7, 2009 Author Posted May 7, 2009 And award for worlds biggest jerk goes to.... SoulBear.... Thanks for all your replys. I wish i had never sent it. The whole rejection thing again just set me off.... She will be back on the 13th, she has mail here she is waiting to collect, im sure she will get my mum to take it into her though. I have her birthday present here too, i dont know if i should just send that along with her mail? As it stands she is away, but when she returns, its a different world over here in UK from Asia..... Lucky I didnt send this reply email.....: I do understand It just hurts to be rejected. Rejection hurts, but i kept asking for it. For some reason I just hadnt heard it enough... Im hurting inside and missing you. I hope you understand why we cant be friends. The breakup was inevitable.
JeezLouise Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 What is the birthday present? Personal or common? Like - a Barnes and Noble gift card, or a chemise? You're not a loser, but just sit on your hands or something. Thank heavens you didn't send the reply!
Author Soul Bear Posted May 7, 2009 Author Posted May 7, 2009 The present is a Selenite Sphere.... I noticed that she had one smaller delivered here just before she left me, but it arrived broken in two and was not spherical. I dont think she even thinks i noticed or remember about it being broken, but i did...... JeezLouise- Why lucky i didnt send it? It is further making me look desperate and needy, or makes her think im like an emotional yo-yo.... I can believe i messed up. I felt like i was doing so well recently too.... Now i have gone and left myself in a negative light as you say. Damn it. why cant i get it right
fabulous_chk Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 it's OK Soul_Bear, most people do this in the early days of break-up. Just start NC immediately!!! My ex and I broke up 7 weeks ago and I wish I initiated NC right from the start. It has helped me re-evaluate everything. Now that he's sniffing, I do not even want him back. You'll get it right - start NC now!
Author Soul Bear Posted May 7, 2009 Author Posted May 7, 2009 I wish I had started NC before...wel i had...but i broke it, i was feeling strong, Last 2 days have been a nightmare. Over 140 quid in overdraft charges from my bank from the day i met her in town and took her out to lunch (day 4 of breakup).... both my guitars broke lastnight and need to go off to be serviced profesionaly and i lost my love..... What should I do with her present? you are all helping me so much....I cant believe you all take your time out to help me, even after i keep doing and saying the wrong things....
drummerprince81 Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 Soul Bear - I really sympathise with you man. I'm in a similar boat. I have sent a letter which I look back on with regret now because her response was lame - kind of just focusing on the parts that were about her being bad for her cold treatment of me and denying she was, rather than the story behind why the break up made no sense to me, and I sent her a text asking her to meet me the other day so I could gain some clarity but she didn't think it was a good idea. I have no idea what that means (perhaps she is with a new guy already or doesn't want me to bring up the past). Either way, our exes seem to be steadfast in their decisions. I don't know what mistakes you made or what irked your ex but mine include playing with the new family puppy too much, and sitting on a different chair to her once when we watched a movie with my mum in nigh on 2 years, and get this, overtalking her sometimes!!! Hardly crimes of the century. I never lied to her, cheated on her, even flirted with other girls. I know that I'm never gonna love someone as much as I've loved her because it was so out of the blue and my guard is always going to be up from now on. But going back to your situation, I don't think it would have mattered what you wrote - we never get the responses we are going to get, and we always ended up regretting but at least you acted. Wouldn't you rather have done something, anything than nothing at all, even if it gained you nothing but loss of hope? In a way, it gets all the pain out of the way quicker. I however, am not as strong as I would like to be and feel like I can win her back by doing something but I just don't know how to go about it and day by day by day is passing. Its like I'm asking for pain. I just don't want to and can't lose her.
Knowingmeknowingyou Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 Soul Bear I can understand what you're going through...Im guilty as charged, as are most of us on here, stumbling around after a breakup trying to make sense of it, looking for answers, seeking clarification from the other person, even though they have told us in words and actions already exactly where they stand. Its all natural...you're grieving the loss. I found a really good book called 'Dont call that man...a survival guide to letting go' by Rhonda Findling. The advice in it could equally apply as ' Dont call that woman'! Quote from one section PERFECT CLOSURE Endings are never perfect. Accept the way the relationshp ended and move on. If you have any urges to contact your ex to apologise for something you said that was hurtful, or to express a feeling so that you have the perfect closure, dont. You may get rejected or hurt, and then you'll have to return for another perfect closure. Accept the way the relationship ended with all its flaws. Life isnt a painting that can be made perfect. Life is messy and imperfect. Put your energy into accepting the situation and looking forward to the future.
TheBigCow Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 Hey Soul Bear I really do empathize with you. When my ex left me (turns out it was for another man blah blah blah) I spent at least a month trying to get closure, sending the occasional txt and email and getting cold but firm responses.. and once I realized what I fool I had been (at this point I hadn't found LS so no one was guiding me), I felt like I'd screwed up everything and needed to reconcile. Eventually I started NC and although it was painful for quite some time, eventually I've gotten to a place where at least I'm not making anything worse. So as everyone else says, start NC now! As for feeling like you've screwed up. Yeah okay in the short term these emails are not helpful but in the long term they don't matter. Either your ex is compassionate and understand that this just a knee jerk reaction from someone who still loves her and is heartbroken, so will accept and forget it, or she's heartless and cold and in that case who cares what she thinks. I posted this elsewhere but a friend said to me when I was thinking of going over and seeing my ex one last time "in 20 years you will only regret the things you didn't do, not the things you did do" and although there are examples where this isn't true (I'm sure someone would regret murder 20 years down the line ) I think its very true for us. So feel good that you acted in a way that at the time was true to your heart, because maybe following all the advice on the internet, books ect will heal you quicker, acting true to how you feel will in the long run make you proud, even if it was the 'wrong' thing to do.
1bee Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 hey knowingmeknowingyou, i wish i had known about that book when i was dumped!~
Author Soul Bear Posted May 8, 2009 Author Posted May 8, 2009 KnowingMwKnowingYou- Thats was some excellent advice!!! You have allways given me some solid advice since i started posting here, as well as Carhill, Scootncash, TheBigCow, BCCA, CaliGuy, BettyBoop....sorry if i missed anyone out And thankyou all for helping me and supporting me. TheBigCow- Your advice their was excellent too. And got me thinking... Some more info- The reason my ex said she thought she would clarify things herself, is because i stupidly emailed her mum asking her how her daughter (my ex) was really doing, and that i couldnt except it...Stupid i know, so i really asked for that email from her, and my reply was unjustified I DID NOT SAY THE RIGHT THING!!...I had to email her mum today and apologise for putting her mum in that position. She sent a reply immediately. ''Oh darling. Nothing to apologise about. I really could'nt answer for (her name) and I know it must be incredibly hard for you. She would really like for you to remain friends. For the time being she is enjoying her own space.... She has gone to see her dad for the weekend before she goes back next weekend. She has been getting up early and doing lots of riding and grooming horses which she had missed. Give it time and let her get on with what she needs to do right now. Big hugs, love Jill xxxx'' I AM NOT going to reply! I shouldnt take this as a glimmer of hope, i know. But the fact she is so eager to remain friends is getting me thinking that, I have to let go, and start all over again with her from scratch, like when we first met.....I know she isnt doing this to go out and screw other guys, she is doing it because she needs to be alone right now. Hence why she asked where all my understanding went... Im still gonna do NC with her, and her mum too. But i had to get that out, it was eating me alive....
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