Nikki Sahagin Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 I don't think i've ever felt in my life, the way that i'm feeling now. Every thought and feeling I have is poisonous. I feel cripped with anxiety, anger, disapointment, hopelessness. My boyfriend broke up with me, its the second time that he has done so, and I believe the final time. The relationship had lots of stressors but I feel the main stress was his inability to TRY. He would complain things were not right but make no effort to fix them. He did initially, but gave up. I felt it was ME pushing, ME fighting, ME trying. I became depressed, was constantly crying, but I still had happiness in some sense because I believed it was for him, for us, for our happiness. I felt I could take the strain of anything FOR HIM. He was worth it. Now he has broken up with me just before my exams start and my birthday and I feel completely devestated. I feel like I am going crazy. I feel resentful that he couldn't even stick it out until the end of the month. He emailed me this time around as well rather than say it in person because he said he felt afraid. I can't believe he would put this stress on me in the middle of an already stressful time. He has turned what could have been a happy time, into I think one of the worst times of my life. I want to throw myself in front of a car. I actually look at myself in the mirror and my eyes go between looking desperate and looking completely vacant and flat. There is no spark or energy in me anymore. Its been zapped away. Along with this I feel bitter. I've always been cynical so I can't blame him for that, but I feel there is no hope for me. I think the only point to life is love but love is so unstable, so changeable. I gave him my everything, honestly. I loved him/love him SO much. Yes i've made my mistakes but I learnt and grew and changed. He seemed to just go backwards. The connection we had was so powerful. I felt like he was my home, my purpose. Now I feel nothing and no-one can compare to that, to him. And if they do, they'll only cheat on me or get bored of me or do a million and 1 other things that I don't like, like go to stripclubs or have bad manners. I just accepted him, so fully. I don't think I have the capacity for that anymore. Its made me narrower, colder. The first time we broke up I felt humbled, gracious, there was a kind of hope in the misery. This time around for whatever reason, I just feel broken and irrepareable. I feel fear and anger for men when I look at them, like they are an alien species. I know I can love someone very profoundly, but I feel I have lost this. I don't think i'll ever meet anyone who can love or give to me, the way I could love and give to them. So it makes me not want to. I feel bitter, angry, disillusioned, hopeless. When I look at other couples I feel a combination of resentment and also a feeling that its all so fake. Also I am not light-hearted about sex etc. I could only have sex if i'm in love. I don't even want to try if i'm not. I could and i'm sure i'd have fun - but I don't want to. But I am incredibly sexual. So I feel like i'll have to go potentially years without sex until I find someone else I love. This may seem silly and people will say "i'm married and I haven't had sex in years, get over it!" but thats one of the hardest things to deal with, as well as the cuddles, the affection. I've had affection since but it doesn't feel half as special. I feel so flat inside and I have no idea how to cope with the pressures of my exams, my birthday, anything. If I had the courage/stupidity, i'd kill myself. I actually can't take this. I feel so negative, all I can think to do it just take my life or drug myself to the eyeballs with some medication, because just 'feeling' it is too much. I can't function. And the fact he's done this when I need all my focus and clarity for my exams, makes me feel so angry. I feel that if I fail and mess up my life it will be all down to him; that he couldn't even care for THAT to just put it off for a couple of weeks! I would have! I know if I fail it is MY fault, but I cannot get out of this pain. I feel so desperate. I just feel like i'm drowning. Being alone is horrible but being with other people is a reminder of people that are 'normal', coping, functioning, living, HAPPY. The opposite of what I am. And it makes me feel frightened, anxious, envious, upset. I feel like there is no solution for me seeing as everything is just becoming negative in my mind. I really do feel like the bloody apocolypse has just hit down on me. Though I know there will be people who can relate to this, are maybe even feeling this right now - I feel completely and utterly alone. I really do want the courage to just take myself away from all this pain I know life can be beautiful and amazing, but it seems for me that has been few and far between in my life. Now even if my life turns around, I have this negative head, this over-sensitive heart and I can't cope with either. I feel so damaged by life even though I have by no means the worst life, but just my own inability to cope, that I don't feeling excited by life, just scared and weary already. I don't feel I have any strength or even will to change that. I don't want to set myself up for a fall. I'd rather just stay down before life kicks me back down again. I guess i'm writing this because I need someone, anyone to just hear my voice. Maybe you'll read it and think you're pathetic or whiny or stupid, just go on and get over it, I had to! I know i'm not special or different to any of you who have suffered. I just don't know how to cope, how to be strong, and every minute of every day I can't think about one thing I want anymore from my life that will make me happy. I see everything as fake, meaningless, frustrating, disapointing - just there to pass time. I want meaning in my life and he WAS my meaning. Even everything before him just felt like killing time. Love made my life feel so fulfilled and full, now it just feels like an empty, fruitless, pointless struggle. I apologise for my depressing attitude but I needed to write this, at least for my own sanity. Thankyou for reading.
EmperorR Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 Your not whiny or pathetic your a great person don't ever forget that, I have been where you have a been and I know it's not a nice place, all I can say is that it does get better little by little. You were happy before him and you will be happy without him
SimplyIzzy2010 Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 First of all, YOU ARE NOT PATHETIC. Our only fault is having loved too much someone who didn't love us back. I know how you're feeling. I've been through it. Even though I still hurt everyday, I'm past the point you're at. It takes time. Slow painful time. But there's times when I do feel like what you're describing again. I want you to know that you are not alone. Life is beautiful. It's just hard to see past the pain right now. I know what you're talking about, with the whole afraid to love again thing. So am I. But we don't know if we don't try, right? First and foremost, do well on your exams. Uncannily enough, my ex broke up with me the week before exams, and I thought I was going to bomb everything. But I didn't. Then, you can begin to put your heart back together, like I'm trying to do. Just remember, please that you are NOT alone. It may seem like it when one person meant your whole existence for so long, and now they're gone, but you are NOT alone. It's time we put ourselves back together. If you ever want to talk hit me up You're not the only one
Creamontheinside Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 What did you do before your ex came into the picture? Find that place again.
Enema Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 Go get drunk and have an anger-bonk with a random hot stranger. Then, pick yourself up and move on. This chapter is over, a fresh chapter coming right up! Exciting times!
Dreaming69 Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 Oh Nikki I feel your pain girl... I only too recently went through similar symptoms to what you have described. I didn't think it was possible to feel such emotional pain, and Ive been in and out of relationships for 20 years. I have never felt heartbreak like this before, its unbeleivable where our minds can take us when we lose ones we love so much. I literally shut down mentally!.. my life completely fell apart!! I also went to that place where I thought I could never love anyone as much as I did this person, and a part of me still beleives that, but im also still in the grief stage. BUT.. I am also starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel. I've come out of the complete darkness that was my mind. And you have the stress of exams to cope with, I can't imagine what that must be like to have that on top of what you are experiencing. People who havent been there just do not understand!!.. You simply cannot switch it off no matter what you do. And all the lines of youll get over it, just give it time, yada yada yada just simply bounce off you... The only thing I could suggest with such stress is maybe get yourself to a doctor for some mild relaxants to relieve the anxiety, but only as a last resort.. These helped me especially for work.. and for those times when you are feeling completely overwhelmed. I managed to only end up having one sick day, and I was a complete mess. And knowing that there are other people out there that are in the same place as you is also what got me through, reading other peoples experiences on LS, and that there is ALWAYS someone who is worse off than you!.. One day at a time.. if possible surround yourself with family or friends who know you well and know how down you really are and will listen to you, then talk to them.. get it out of your system.. And do the NO CONACT, and stick to it, because it works!.. read some of the posts on it and get it drilled into your psyche. It will heal you soooo much quicker than if you have any contact whatsoever at all with yr ex. And put away those photos, or any other reminders of them!.. Best of luck to you Nikki !!
sb129 Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 Nikki, I have been where you are and while it may not feel like it right now, things DO get better, little by little. I used to be quite cynical too, but now I am not. I also know I can survive on my own if I have to - and it makes me much more secure and confident. You can do it. Focus on your exams- it would be a real shame if you were to fail them because of a guy that ten years down the line, will probably mean nothing to you. The exams on the other hand are part of your ticket to the next phase of your life. Good luck.
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