helovesme Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 Last May, I moved out and filed for a separation from my husband. I lived with my sister for a one month to see how I felt, and then I got an apartment last June. During that time, I didn't much miss my husband, but I had a difficult time with having a three-year old who did and didn't understand what was going on. I dated a few losers in the meantime (big mistake). All the time we were apart, my husband would try to get me alone to tell me how much he loved me and let's go for counseling etc. I didn't want to and fought it for the entire summer. Finally, I started listening to what he was saying and decided in September, that I would give it another shot. I ended up moving back home on the first of November, although I was pretty much there all through October. Anyway, I don't really know why I came back. We have a complete disconnect. I come home - most nights we do not eat together. He is always doing his own thing or I'm doing my own thing. I'm always taking care of the house and my little girl. He watches tv in one room me in another, and more than half the time he falls asleep in the playroom. I sleep alone, we rarely have sex - it just seems like there is nothing there. Do I stay for the sake of my daughter and see if the spark ever comes back? The sex is rare and definitely fair, at best. It takes everything in me to make an effort as well because everything he says and does just rubs me the wrong way. I'm completely empty and just don't know what to do anymore. Maybe someone can shed some light on this sad situation. I can't imagine he doesn't realize it himself. Why did he want me back so badly because it's very obvious I'm like a piece of the furniture?
carhill Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 You've disconnected. This is normal when you physically separate on unloving terms. You also dated other men while physically separated but not legally separated nor divorced. Time for the paperwork to catch up with the decision you made long ago
Author helovesme Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 I should also add that he too dated and was with someone else during our separation. We were legally separated BTW. The paperwork is there, but we put it all aside. Not sure I have the strength to go through it again.
carhill Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 Help me understand. What strength is required? If you were emotionally attached, I could understand more clearly. I ask this because my wife and I are going through the same thing (no children) and I helped her buy a house and we live separately and are working out a financial settlement. It's just accounting. She already has all my stuff... Are you afraid of hurting his feelings? Don't be. My wife wasn't. I'll survive, and so will he
Ronni_W Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 helovesme, Fear of hurting his feelings is a valid one, but it will also prevent you from doing things that will bring happiness and fulfillment back into your own life. To me, unhappy grown-ups don't do anything positive for their children when they subject their children to an unhappy, "empty" environment that is lacking a model of "healthy and happy". What messages about love, respect, admiration, nurturing, partnering, conflict resolution and life in general are being given to the child(ren)? And, are those message the ones you really want to give your child? Of course, though, when it comes to your own child, it is your own judgment/value call. The divorce process IS mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually exhausting and depleting -- it does require strength, courage, support...and the belief that you are worthy and deserving of being happy and having a life that is rewarding in every aspect. Sending you wishes for all of these things, in more than enough quantities!
2sure Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 You moved out because you werent happy with the status of the marriage. You moved back in and things are still the same. What have you and your husband changed about the marriage and your behaviors ? If you havent changed anything...why would you expect different results?
Author helovesme Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 Supposedly he realized the things he did wrong and wanted the chance to prove that he had. It doesn't seem as though he has. Right now it's all about my daughter. I don't know if she realizes things are empty etc. This is the way I feel. I don't want to be a quitter, and I would like our marriage to work (if not for the sake of us and our history, but for the sake of our daughter, as well), and I've been expressing to him if I wanted to be sitting alone in a room by myself every night, I could do that just fine on my own. I know marriage is hard work, but does it also have to be dull, boring and unfulfilling. Does this happen in every marriage?
2sure Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 Well, certainly it happens to a lot of marriages...and yes, it can happen to ANY marriage. Or anyone's life for that matter. We are each of us responsible for our own happiness. But in a marriage we are also each responsible for a some part of our spouse's happiness. If your H has not taken action to do things differently, something tangible , not just words - its n wonder thigns are the same and you are frustrated. Can you tell him SPECIFIC changes he can make, specific things he can DO?? He needs motivation to get him started?
Author helovesme Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 I'll give him motivation!!!! Unreal that people just never truly learn a lesson in life. He had asked me numerous times when we were apart to go to marriage counseling with him. Now we have the insurance, and I've been asking him since before the insurance was put into place on the first of April to make an appointment for us. His excuse is different why he didn't have the time. He has the doctor etc., so I would like to see this specific person. Although he says he loves me and wants to make it work etc., his actions do not show it at all. When I first moved back, he helped around the house, watched my daughter, was cooking meals every night (he was out of work, and I was working full time). Now, I can't get him to flush the toilet or pick up his clothes from behind the bathroom door after he showers....It's so annoyingly frustrating and depressing. It is interesting to see the different responses from all of you, and I do appreciate your suggestions. I intend to encourage him to make the appointment for counseling, so we can try to clear the air and maybe make some progress. Otherwise, not so sure I can live the rest of my life (as I am 33 years old) living this miserably - although I do know it could be worse.
2sure Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 Sure, it could be worse. But it has to be better. It sounds like you both want it to be better. But he is being lazy about it. Only you know for sure how to motivate him or if you can. My thinking is this. Sometimes people dont necessarily agree with what they have to do. They dont see it working or see the sense in it. But someone has to take charge and be the leader...and it sounds like thats going to have to be you. So, you tell him: Look, I know you may not feel like it..but this is what you have to do(go to MC, watch TV w/ you, help with daughter while YOU go out, etc.) Eventually, just by him going thru the motions his view will change because he will see improvement. Maybe.
brokenglass Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 It sounds to me like he is sort of back in that comfort zone. A real man will reflect on his life, get into counseling if needed, read the appropriate materials, reach out to those who will tell him truth, and make the necessary changes to truly prove that they want things to be better. Counseling is something that is absolutely necessary. And I'm not talking about like, a doctor or a shrink, but someone that the both of you can talk to and confide in things in front of eachother. It would probably help if he gets some individual therapy as well, although it might not be feasible at this point. I have to admit I am a bit jealous over what he has gotten back. I would absolutely love to have my fiance and son back in the same house, knowing how I conduct myself and take care of myself now, having internal happiness and feeling good about me for once in my life. Seeing them compliments the way I feel about my life rather than how it used to be, seeing them to fulfill a void I myself had let appear. Regardless though, something needs to be done. You wouldn't have gone back to him if you really 1) didn't love him or 2) didn't think he could actually change. I would personally recommend you either telling him what you've told us or showing him this thread, the things you've written, the responses, etc. I don't know what its going to take for him to open his eyes and see the truth...I know what it took for me and I am healthier as a result. I do hope that he finds his path and walks it, because if he does not it sounds like he will lose something very special.
ExRadioDJ41 Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 It sounds to me like he is sort of back in that comfort zone. This is it. Guys don't realize when things are wrong. You can even tell him that things are wrong, and he will probably just see it as a small argument. Sometimes we don't see the severity of the issue. I knew that my ex-girlfriend was occasionally depressed (I didn't believe I was the cause either), but I didn't know how depressed until she moved out and left me. This is what I wish she would have done: Explained to me that she was depressed, and that our relationship/I was a major contributor to that, and what we could do to move past it. I wish the conversation was started something as blatently obvious as this, "I have something really serious I need to talk to you about. I'm unhappy enough that I'm thinking about leaving..." I would have opened up my ears fully by then. In comparison to how I sometimes was in my relationship, when we had broken up, I tried about 500% more to make her happy. Even she had asked me why I started doing all of that extra stuff after she broke up with me and not during the relationship. I didn't have a good answer. Guys sometimes "coast". I would guess that very few people give much more than they have to in order to sustain a relationship. I remember thinking occasionally of something I could do, but then being lazy and not doing it. Because you two are together, in the same house, having sex, and maybe even not arguing, oddly enough to you, he might be thinking everything in the relationship is close to perfect. Maybe time to really let him know?
Author helovesme Posted May 7, 2009 Author Posted May 7, 2009 I do agree that I need to find an opportune time, when I am not pissed off because he is not doing something that I feel he should be doing, to sit and speak to him. I asked him if there was a reason he hadn't made the appointment with the therapist he was seeing being that so much time has passed, and we definitely need it. He, of course, dismissed the subject. I asked him if he owed the woman money, and if that was why he didn't make the appointment. He just said "$60 is nothing - I can pay her in a second" and dropped the subject all together. For someone who wanted me back and would give me the sky, the moon and the stars, he certainly is just a talker, isn't he? I've been expressing the need for help in the relationship and that I'm not happy. Seems history is repeating itself.... On top of everything, when I moved out his mother moved in - yes, we have mother issues. She is in our living space and is on top of us all the time. She knew when I moved back home that she needed to find a place. This was in November, mind you. It is no May, and she is still here. She started looking seriously for an apartment in March because my H told her she had to be out by May 1. Guess what people, that was a week ago. He says she is going, and I've been printing out apartment listings every single day. You would think she would get the hint. She is 60 years old and doesn't need to be living with us. And the problems mound... I've had enough of that too. Told him that if she is going to be staying because she can't separate her life from us, then I need to go. When we were dating before I married him, I told him straight out that if the relationship was going to work that it needed to be me and him - not me, him and his mom. This woman is intrusive, opinionated, controlling and manipulative. So to add insult to injury that we have already, add that little cherry on top, and we have a big mess. Every time the light at the end of the tunnel starts to glimmer, there is some reason or another why she can't get out. The apartment is too small, the people won't take the deposit, it's too far away, there are too many steps to get into the apartment, the woman never called me back, the place is a dump - need I go on....
carhill Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 Passive-aggressive procrastinator. See, it's like this...when you're married to one of those, you have to do everything; take all the proactive steps. You're responsible for finishing. This is very frustrating. They'll say little things or do little things to make you think they're taking responsibility, but they don't. It's a ruse to retain the status quo. As long as you analyze, criticize and demonize his behaviors, it's not going to change. Take proactive steps, independent of him, and move forward.
Author helovesme Posted May 7, 2009 Author Posted May 7, 2009 Talk about having him pegged... yes, this is extremely frustrating... You guys are good!
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