Elpida Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 My ex fiancée is very angry with me (mistrust issues, relationship was not going anywhere/ lack of commitment from me – by not moving to his country as I promised many times, wrong words said by me during last time we saw each other). Basically complete NC from the moment of break-up (no conversation, no meeting, no closure, nothing) and new relationship from his side within couple of weeks. He would not listen to any of his friends who are trying to talk to him about me, about our situation. He will not attend very important for his friends’ event because he knows I will be there. He would not consider/ hear about giving me 5 min of his time to talk to me, even just to give me closure... My friend is saying his angry feeling is "above the roof" even after 3.5 months since break-up and he "just wants to be left alone". Is this better than indifference (when I want a second chance)? Is my only choice to leave him in peace, to give him more time and then contact him (I do not think he will contact me, he is very stubborn, and I did hurt him a lot)? Or go NC and wait for him to contact me? Or go "against his will" and force the confrontation, uninvited - or this will ruin my last hope? Shall I risk his anger now for the tiny hope of him changing his mind if he sees me or I do have a much bigger chance for this if I go complete NC? But I am afraid when his anger is gone he will become indifferent to me... We’ve been together for 12 years/ mostly long-distance relationship/ we were like two halves of one whole, we were engaged… I am so lost, I love him so much, I was selfish, I took him for granted, I accepted my mistakes, and I am ready to work hard to have him back.... Help!!! Thank you!!!!
playlislay Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 Hey! Im in a very similar situation, except we were not togther for 12 years and it wasnt long distance. I, was in your position (trust issues) and I KNOW that they could have been worked on. One day I stupidly pushed him too far as I had something on my mind which made me go AWOL. That was it. He gave up. He didnt really hear me out-only the once and I was in an emotional state from losing him, so we didnt get very far with the closure side of things (I have soooo many questions that I would have liked to have asked). He too is stubborn, his mum said (Im 24, he is 31 by the way)that it didnt matter what anyone said to him, once he had made his mind up then that was it. Done. Doesnt matter how much love we shared, he had made hismind up as he felt that I wasnt going to improve. You know what it is like. You really dont know what youve got until its gone. Ive learnt from my mistakes and I feel that if we did get back together (its been 4 months so it is never going to happen) then I would be a new me. Ive learnt what is more important (HIM)....basically I have learnt alot from our relationship and I KNOW in my heart and my head that I wouldnt push him away like before-I would be too scared to lose him!!!!!! I hurt him, like you. He was very hurt and angry, like your ex. He has a new gf and all I can do is push my feelings to one side and wish the best for him. I tried to get him back, I knew that what we had was pure love, but I cant change what his mind is telling him. And thats the same for your ex. I do not know what to advise and I would like to hear other peoples opinions. Personally I think its best to leave well alone. I gather you tried to get him back? If you have then I dont know if there is much more that you can do. I think it is sometimes a wake up call to us as it shows how they deal with situations like this. If someone can quite easily leave you without trying to work hard at it, then are they really worth the heartache? I honestly thought that I would marry this man, I really did. I thought we would make it through the darkest of times as we were a good, understanding couple. But he proved that he couldnt do it. I worked so god damn hard at our relationship when I had to give him another chance, but he didnt have it in him to give me that chance. Hence why I may have had a lucky escape.......I dont know. I dont like saying that as we were a beautiful couple. Sorry, off the subject there. All in all I think you shoud leave him now. Stick with NC and find a man who is willing to work hard at a relationship. xx
amaysngrace Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 yes that's the order... Pain turns to anger turns to indifference. You'd be best just to move on since he already has.
Author Elpida Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 Thank you so much... This hurts but possibly true... What I do not understand is how so much love/ care/ friendship/ commitment/etc/ years/dreams can turn into nothing at once. How making decision can cut off/ kill love?!? Is it more typical for man? Once decision is made - that is all??? What about changing decision? The feeling/ spark is still there, right? How to get to it to make it flame? Playlislay, yes, like you, I also understood my mistakes, I want us to work, at least to try, I am finally really ready to give up everything I worked for here in UK and go after him to his country! I was afraid doing so before, and he always was waiting... Now, after this shock, I finally understood how much I love him, and he just does not want it anymore... After so many efforts, such a waste of everything... So anger then indifference... 3.5 months passed too late now, is it...But may be, just may be my NC will work? Why could not he just use a temporary NC to "wake me up" and get me thinking? Why cutting off completely? I cannot give up yet, I love him...
amaysngrace Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 well the good news is indifferce turns to forgiveness which brings back memories of love. The only problem is once you reach indifference it's really hard to turn your feelings back on again. If I were you I'd start getting angry.
BCCA Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 I'll give you my situation, since it might give you an answer. I cannot stand the thought of my ex right now. For lack of a better word, as it stands right now - I despise her. So, while I am angry because I still have emotions for her, I never want to see or hear about her again. I dont go to places she used to go, I avoid going ANYWHERE near where she lives (even if it means going out of my way), and there is NOTHING she could say that would make me feel any different. Ever. Once you reach the anger stage, its all over. There is nothing to be gained from NC - thats exactly what he wants. He's done, unfortunately. I was selfish, I took him for granted Live and learn, take this as a lesson. I would all but bet this one is a dead duck, but next time you meet someone worthy of being engaged to, dont let yourself take them for granted. Thats exactly how I felt with my ex, and there is nothing more painful than loving someone to death and them taking you for granted. Its like a million slaps in the face. And, I have to ask, if he did take you back, could you honestly say - FOR SURE, that you wouldnt do the same thing again? I know it seems like you wouldnt know, but chances are - you probably would. It becomes the dynamic of the relationship after a while. Like I said, it sucks, but this one looks done with.
hurting_in_nw Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 If the guy wants to be left alone, just leave him alone. Do better next time you have someone special.
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