TinTin Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 Hi All Just looking for some opinions really. Been with my GF for almost two years now, been living together for one year of that and I couldn't be happier with her. We've had a lot to deal with over the last few months, I lost my dad to a massive heart attack and shortly after my GF was diagnosed with very early stages of cervical cancer, treated and given the all clear. We have stuck together through this and I know it's only served to make our relationship stronger. Now. We've discussed marriage, and I'm thinking of proposing later this year (mainly once I can afford the ring she deserves!), perhaps on our two year anniversary, or just before Christmas time when we'll be going to New York for a few days. My question is this. I'd like to think I know everything about my intended... however are there certain things I should know before I pop the question. I have issues with her past.. not so much jealousy... but images popping into my head of her with exes etc etc. I Don't want to intensify these images by asking her questions like how old she was when she lost her virginity and stuff like that... but are these things that a man should know about his wife... or do you see it as irrelevant?? I once asked her how many partners she'd had and didn't like the answer I got... but I can live with that now, even though it's taken me a while... so can these be things I wouldn't or shouldn't ask about?!
a4a Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 Well congrats...... and guessing you thought this proposing business out well. As for asking about her past sexual life - I don't see a problem with it. But keep in mind that if you get upset that is your problem. And her past experiences have made her into the person you love so much and want to spend the rest of your life with. I am guessing you were a virgin when you met her? Double standards at work here?
era Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 I have issues with her past...not so much jealousy... but images popping into my head of her with exes etc etc. "PAST" being the operative word. Try to stay focused and grateful for the present ...
voldigicam Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 I tend to see this as a spiritual issue. Lay down the past and walk away. That's what I suggest. It's the essence of being "saved" - to not let the past blind you to today. What good does it do? Details are more likely to feed into more desire to know, and so on. Some things are important, and she should tell you. My wife's immediately previous sexual "partner" was a rapist. That's important for me to know, so I'm gentle with her, avoid giving any sense of threat to her throat, and not ever look like I'm threatening. Otherwise, it really isn't my business.
Author TinTin Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 Valid points, these are the kind of posts that have hepled me deal with this issue over the previous months. I don't really want to know these details, as I've discovered, no good can come from it, I just want to know if you guys think a Successful marriage can be built without the two partners involved knowing everything about each other. Although this could be construed as knowing everything about their personality, which I believe I do.
manugeorge Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 Valid points, these are the kind of posts that have hepled me deal with this issue over the previous months. I don't really want to know these details, as I've discovered, no good can come from it, I just want to know if you guys think a Successful marriage can be built without the two partners involved knowing everything about each other. Although this could be construed as knowing everything about their personality, which I believe I do. You don't have to know every single detail about a person pre-marriage, it's an on-going process. You will continue to discover her during your life together. And even then, its still impossible for you to know everything about her. We are too complex as people for that to happen. What you need to know are the important details--details which help you arrive at your decision in choosing and staying with her as a life partner. Those details vary by person because we all have our lists of likes and deal breakers. From your original post, it seems like the details you are looking for are not relevant details but the ones that will stir those retroactive jealousy-demons in your head. Don't give in to that impulse.
jwi71 Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 I Don't want to intensify these images by asking her questions like how old she was when she lost her virginity and stuff like that... but are these things that a man should know about his wife... or do you see it as irrelevant?? I once asked her how many partners she'd had and didn't like the answer I got... but I can live with that now, even though it's taken me a while... so can these be things I wouldn't or shouldn't ask about?! I would say its normal to have the "sex" talk. I've had it with every gf and my stbxw. I did ask all those questions. How old. how many, weirdest position, weirdest place, weirdest sex act etc... It was NEVER a threat to my masculinity. For one really simple reason. She chose me. Just like your fiance chooses YOU. Think of it as the ultimate affirmation of you two...even after all those lovers and experiences - YOU rock her world to the point she HAS AGREED TO FORSAKE ALL OTHERS FOR YOU. Now THATS an ego boost. So...ask. And remember..she's with YOU...not them. Congrats btw.
Heroic Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 The question I would ask....Is there anything I need to know about your past relationships. Leave everything else in the past.
TaraMaiden Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 \no, because this will put her on the defensive... my instinct would be to reply with another question... either "in what way?" or "why do you ask?" To be perfectly honest with you I really think that this should be left well alone. She was not wrapped like a china doll in bubble-wrap and cotton wool for you, as an untouched gift. She had a life before you, and every right to live it the way she chose. of course, she may have made some incorrect choices, unwise ones. Well you know - many do! The fact is, you love her enough to want to marry her. And she loves you enough to want to marry you. One of my colleagues is married to a woman who used to be a pole and lap dancer. She was approached many times for extra benefits, but never complied. Nevertheless, she was a blatant sex object for many men. The money paid for her university course. She now has a doctorate in Physics, and teaches at University level. he cannot cease talking about how intelligent she is. He never refers to her past and has no resentment at all. In fact, he admires her courage and determination. What a person does in their past is for nobody to evaluate but the person. What a person is in the Present, is what counts. Does she love you and do you love her? Then maybe that is all you should be celebrating. That, and your future. _/l\_
lkjh Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 People who say leave it in the past are crazy, you should know the person you are marrying. To often people get married and then divorced because they failed to go through this process.
lkjh Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 The concept that love prevails does not work in the real world. People need to work at marriage and you need to know if the person you are marrying can do this.
toughchoices Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 Just found out my wife was sexually abused. I am near catatonic. That would have been good information to have.
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