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Be honest; Am I being an ***hole? I hope not, but I'm afriad of the answer; !

colosseum

By colosseum
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colosseum Established Member

colosseum

Posted
Posted

This is going to be long, but I really need to paint the whole picture and need your help so please be patient!:o

 

I'm a young guy in college with some but not a lot of experience in the shack.

 

3 weeks ago I had a few great dates with a girl, call her Jennifer. We really hit it off; she was cute, bubbly, and the chemistry was fabulous.:love: The catch? She had never been in a relationship; never been kissed.

 

I really liked her, but her inexperience scared me. I talked with her that evening, and neither of us wanted to lead each other on because she wasn't 100% where we were going, and I told her upfront that I didn't just want to be her guy-friend. So we "ended" it there.

 

The thing is, I brought that up with her deliberately, because I got scared of her inexperience. Not to be arrogant, but to be honest I knew I could easily have given her her first kiss; we both clearly liked each other a lot.

 

Since immediately following that conversation with Jennifer I've been hanging out with another girl for 2 weeks, call her Bonnie. We haven't gotten intimate, but have been spending a lot of time with each other; kissed, held hands, etc. We're not exclusive but I think it's coming to that point where we would both be quite hurt if we knew the other was seeing someone else.

 

Bonnie just loves to have fun. She's quirky, :pbut shy romantically which I think is cute, but I know she has had more experience than Jennifer. I enjoy her company, and have fun hanging out with her.

 

My dilemma? I'm not really feeling the chemistry. I thought I'd give it more time and see what happens, but it hasn't made much progress in my mind. It just feels a little off. We don't share a lot of things in common; the conversations aren't uncomfortable but they're not very inspiring or really flowing either; there isn't that spark.

 

With Jennifer things felt right. Conversations flowed, I was happy to have her by my side, nothing was ever uncomfortable, the spark was there, and she made me feel like a man--a good man at that too; she was a real lady too. Gut instinct said all signs were good.

 

So why did I leave Jennifer for Bonnie? Because to be honest I didn't want to wait 6 months for sex (or however long it might have been). Frankly, I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting sexual gratification, but I wrongly assumed a future before it even happened, and will admit, did make serious judgments about her. Yet I still think about her and a small part of me says I want to date her again.

 

And all this talk about chemistry has made me start to think that maybe it's much simpler than that; maybe I just like Jennifer and don't really like Bonnie. Which means... that if I were to be brutally honest with myself, as much as I would hate to, I am leading Bonnie on.

 

Oh! And here's the kicker: Jennifer and Bonnie are good friends. :lmao::sick::eek:

 

LSers, I'm not a player, and nor do I consider myself an ***hole. If anything I'm really ****ing up here because while I've been on dates and am not a virgin, I'm really not that experienced in this whole courtship thing -- the most important part of dating, I know. I used to be a prude, but now that I'm finally getting myself out there I'm afraid that I'm screwing things up in a pretty bad way.

 

I'm not sure what's going on; in my head, or the girls' heads. I know I like them both, but I don't know if I'm thinking of Jennifer now simply because I lost something I had, or whether I'm being unfair to Bonnie by comparing chemistries, or whether I just want more than I can chew, or whether I'm just overthinking this all too much...!!!

 

But I do know that I really don't want to be that player/***hole. I want to try to keep my integrity (or whatever may be left) and keep these girls from getting hurt, if that's going to happen. That said, I also do like their companies...ARGH, SEE, CASE IN POINT WTF

 

Thank you, LSers. Thanks so much.

Bejita463 Established Member

Bejita463

Posted
Posted
So why did I leave Jennifer for Bonnie? Because to be honest I didn't want to wait 6 months for sex (or however long it might have been).

 

It probably would have been better had you given her the chance to talk with you about that concern, but I don't see a huge problem with not wanting to be with someone you don't feel can fulfill your wants/desires.

 

Having said that, I do think that is a pretty bad reason to have made that decision. If you cared for each other, things would naturally have went wherever they would in due course.

SoulSearch_CO Established Member

SoulSearch_CO

Posted
Posted

I wouldn't call you an *******. More likely just young and stupid. You feel you made a mistake leaving Jennifer for the reason you stated. Oh, well - no going back now. The reason I say that is because of her friendship with Bonnie. If you dump Bonnie to get back with Jennifer, then I WILL call you an *******.

 

If you're not feeling a great fit with Bonnie, then maybe it's time to move on yet again. You're young - you have time to explore your options. However...I will give a word of caution...don't make the choice with the "grass is greener" syndrome. Because it kind of sounds like that's what you're doing. Leave Jennifer completely out of the equation and just focus on the pros and cons of your relationship with Bonnie.

Admiral Established Member

Admiral

Posted
Posted
So why did I leave Jennifer for Bonnie? Because to be honest I didn't want to wait 6 months for sex (or however long it might have been). Frankly, I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting sexual gratification

 

Sex is a very important part of a relationship. Keep her on the side while you mess around with other women. Let her know she has competition, so she can't keep stringing you along.

Bejita463 Established Member

Bejita463

Posted
Posted
Sex is a very important part of a relationship. Keep her on the side while you mess around with other women. Let her know she has competition, so she can't keep stringing you along.

 

I have trouble seeing this girl thinking "Oh, this guy doesn't care enough about me to go a pace I am comfortable with, so I'll just rush my first-everything to beat the competition!"

 

Just because she's new to the physical affection scene, doesn't mean she is stringing anyone along. Keeping someone on the side however, kinda is (provided I am not misunderstanding you).

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
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Jeez, OP, you had a couple dates with Jennifer, who is a virgin and inexperienced (so she says) and you're concerned she "doesn't know where this is going"? Well, duh, of course she doesn't. News flash, neither do you :)

 

Listen.... if you get on well with her, and feel that positive energy, explore it. It's all that stuff which will join a relationship together after the sexual thrill wanes. Think of the sex part as the glue in the finely crafted joint. If there is no joint, the glue will not be strong enough. Jennifer may not be "the girl", but she can help you understand and value what "the girl" brings to your life to bond you to her in an eventual LTR.

 

You have an opportunity. Don't waste it. :)

2sure Established Member

2sure

Posted
Posted

You sound wonderful , sincere , and not like a player at all.

Both women also sound just as wonderful.

Chemistry is there or it isn't. Sometimes there is no explaining it - but the fact is: You have to have it.

 

Someone can "look good on paper" but inexplicably, there is no chemistry and you really can't "create" it.

 

If you have found someone and there is real chemistry, on several levels, AND it is reciprocated....thats hard to find.

 

It is possible however, that because the 2 women know each other - this ship has sailed or will soon sail .

 

The best thing you can do - for both women and for yourself and to possibly keep something that might be very special:

 

Back off from both. In a nice way - careful not to burn those bridges.

At this point you have not been intimate with either, so thats a good thing .

 

After you back off - start seeing girl A again in a casual way and see if the chemistry goes somewhere on its own.

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colosseum Established Member

colosseum

Posted
  • Author
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Thanks for all your really considerate comments, LSers. That's why I really respect and appreciate this place and this community...

 

There seems to be various opinions though on what to do from here.

 

Do I leave both of them like 2sure said? Do I forget about Jennifer? Do I go back to her? Do I just work with Bonnie?

 

Listen.... if you get on well with her, and feel that positive energy, explore it. It's all that stuff which will join a relationship together after the sexual thrill wanes. Think of the sex part as the glue in the finely crafted joint. If there is no joint, the glue will not be strong enough. Jennifer may not be "the girl", but she can help you understand and value what "the girl" brings to your life to bond you to her in an eventual LTR.

 

You have an opportunity. Don't waste it. :)

 

Carhill, I agree with what you're saying. What do you suggest I do about Bonnie?

 

I also think SoulSearch_CO is right too--I may be having the "grass is greener" syndrome.

Star Gazer Established Member

Star Gazer

Posted
Posted

You're not a player, or an *******, just very immature.

 

I don't think you really even have the option of making a choice here, though. If Jennifer and Bonnie are good friends, Jennifer won't take you back after you've made out with Bonnie.

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colosseum Established Member

colosseum

Posted
  • Author
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Dammit, I think you're totally right StarGazer. *grumble*

Star Gazer Established Member

Star Gazer

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Ya never know, if they're as immature as you are (;) - teasing!), she might go for it. :laugh:

aotc Member

aotc

Posted
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I don't get how you can be complaining about inexperience at this age. No one is a master of sex or relationships just because you think you've been with girls since you were 13.

Isolde Established Member

Isolde

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Why do some guys your age refuse to date a girl because she's inexperienced?

 

Trust me, if you'd been her first kiss or whatever, she would survive if the relationship didn't work out. :rolleyes: While some girls become clingy over the first guy they get physical with, the vast majority don't.

Trialbyfire Established Member

Trialbyfire

Posted
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You're in college. Forget the serious stuff. Get out there and sow those wild oats. Once your oat bin is empty and you realize that it isn't your sole driver, that you value more than a good lay, that's the time to get into a relationship.

SushiX Established Member

SushiX

Posted
Posted

I would date them both!

Confusedalways Established Member

Confusedalways

Posted
Posted

Depends what you want... if you just want the sex, obviously stick with the one that puts out. If you want something more... you have a little bit of explaining to do ;)

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