LoneWolfie Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 Hello i need some help with an issue. About 8 months ago my GF and i were talking about how to handle arguments. She asked me "can you promise me not to walk out on me without resolving the arguement?" to which i replied "Yes i promise, i want to talk things out." For my GF, promises are sacred, break a promise and you are dumped. Every BF she had was dumped after breaking a promise. I also consider promises to be something you just dont break, although if its an accident i can understand and accept that perfectly. So the other day she was giving a male friend of hers alot of attention, like she had been doing for several days, leaving me feeling jealous (its an issue im working on) and neglected. I got upset when she went to do something with this male friend i thought she wanted to do with me. And i went for a walk without telling her, i wanted to calm down and inform her afterwards that i was feeling upset with her. When i came back and started talking to her however she was upset with me for ignoring her, walking out and breaking the promise i made. I apoligised and she eventually forgave me but said it would take time before she could believe any promises i would make. The following day we also talked about it and i was guilt ridden with the thought of hurting her. The ironic part is that i wanted to prevent her getting upset by getting away and letting the jealousy fade so i would not act like a jackass. I should have informed her i was going to take a walk, but i was grumpy and my jealousy made me think "ah she's too busy talking to the other guy anyway." Now its two days after the 'incident' and i realised the reason why i walked out without thinking about the promise i made. The promise was about not storming out during an arguement, i was trying to prevent my jealousy causing an argument, i didnt want to upset her. And so i wasnt in an arguement at the time. I talked to her about why i did what i did. But she doesnt seem to want to hear any more of it. For her its simple, i broke a promise. Only now, two days later, do i recall the actual promise i made and realize what caused me to walk out. I feel now that i did not break any promise and should be cleared of blame. But coming up with this so late, after we had decided we were "done with the subject" is probably too late. She doesnt like it when i keep trying to 'explain myself' or 'come up with excuses'. So in short: do i bring up the issue again and risk causing a major relationship problem while trying to clear my name, or just accept the damage done, swallow my pride and move on like she said she wants to?
HeartLikeLead Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 Hello i need some help with an issue. About 8 months ago my GF and i were talking about how to handle arguments. She asked me "can you promise me not to walk out on me without resolving the arguement?" to which i replied "Yes i promise, i want to talk things out." For my GF, promises are sacred, break a promise and you are dumped. Every BF she had was dumped after breaking a promise. I also consider promises to be something you just dont break, although if its an accident i can understand and accept that perfectly. So the other day she was giving a male friend of hers alot of attention, like she had been doing for several days, leaving me feeling jealous (its an issue im working on) and neglected. I got upset when she went to do something with this male friend i thought she wanted to do with me. And i went for a walk without telling her, i wanted to calm down and inform her afterwards that i was feeling upset with her. When i came back and started talking to her however she was upset with me for ignoring her, walking out and breaking the promise i made. I apoligised and she eventually forgave me but said it would take time before she could believe any promises i would make. The following day we also talked about it and i was guilt ridden with the thought of hurting her. The ironic part is that i wanted to prevent her getting upset by getting away and letting the jealousy fade so i would not act like a jackass. I should have informed her i was going to take a walk, but i was grumpy and my jealousy made me think "ah she's too busy talking to the other guy anyway." Now its two days after the 'incident' and i realised the reason why i walked out without thinking about the promise i made. The promise was about not storming out during an arguement, i was trying to prevent my jealousy causing an argument, i didnt want to upset her. And so i wasnt in an arguement at the time. I talked to her about why i did what i did. But she doesnt seem to want to hear any more of it. For her its simple, i broke a promise. Only now, two days later, do i recall the actual promise i made and realize what caused me to walk out. I feel now that i did not break any promise and should be cleared of blame. But coming up with this so late, after we had decided we were "done with the subject" is probably too late. She doesnt like it when i keep trying to 'explain myself' or 'come up with excuses'. So in short: do i bring up the issue again and risk causing a major relationship problem while trying to clear my name, or just accept the damage done, swallow my pride and move on like she said she wants to? well i hate to say it but i totally understand where she is coming from ive asked my boyfriend for abreak because he did the one thing he swore never to do. he said he would never ever betray me and lie about seeing his exes
Author LoneWolfie Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 Yeah ok, and i also understood where she was coming from, until i started thinking about the promise i made. Which was "storming out during an arguement", which i didnt do in my opinion. I was trying to do what i thought was the best way to avoid hurting her with my jealousy.
Enema Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 I think she knows the promise was to not storm out during an argument. I think she knows you didn't break your promise. I think she is now "upset" at you in an attempt to turn the tables and make you the bad guy so you don't confront her about her male friend. Guilty conscience on the defensive? Who knows.
SoulSearch_CO Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 Well, it doesn't sound to me like you're going to get a fair hearing from little Miss Black-or-White anyway, so why bring it up again? I personally find it a little off-putting when a person I'm in relationship with cannot see the gray area that exists in everyday life. It's either all or none, black or white, and THAT'S IT. Relationships are about compromise and learning to work with the other person. Which includes accepting the gray areas. Why bother talking to her about it? She sees it as a broken promise, period, no explanation possible or even allowed. Just move on.
WhyYesThankYou Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 Well, it doesn't sound to me like you're going to get a fair hearing from little Miss Black-or-White anyway, so why bring it up again? "Black-and-white" was exactly what I was going to say. This girl has some very black-and-white thinking, but for someone who's so focused on her "rules," yeah, she seems to have forgotten the "during an argument" clause. You could not bring this up again directly, but at some calm point or when you're talking about relationship issues (and it sounds like you do this a bit), maybe mention that you're making an effort to do what you guys had talked about, i.e. sticking around to resolve arguments rather than leaving. And that you've ALSO found that what's helpful to you sometimes is to have some time/space to think about things and get some clarity so you can come [back] to the discussion refreshed and with a better perspective. Unsolicited observation: she sounds like a bit of a control freak and like someone who's playing games. Talks with another guy for several days and hints at plans with him that you thought were plans with you? And then blows up when you (shock! horror!) go for a walk? It doesn't sound exactly healthy. But then I'm only getting a vibe off the quick summary you've given us. Up to you to see if it rings true. I'm just getting a very black-and-white, if-you're-not-perfect-you're-out vibe, which is very exhausting in a relationship.
Ruby Slippers Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 I think you need to assert your position, to step up and tell her you had a good reason for talking the walk to blow off some steam. She's setting up these very rigid parameters of what is and is not acceptable. She needs to learn to let go of the control a bit and understand that you're only human. If you're going to be with her, you're going to have to make her realize this. You can communicate all this in a loving, yet firm, way.
Citizen Erased Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 I think she knows the promise was to not storm out during an argument. I think she knows you didn't break your promise. I think she is now "upset" at you in an attempt to turn the tables and make you the bad guy so you don't confront her about her male friend. Guilty conscience on the defensive? Who knows. Agreed. Easy enough to deflect the blame onto the OP. Are you expected to never go for a walk without her permission? To get a clear head? She actually expects that of you? Does she let you eat carbs and pee standing up too?
Charles1978 Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 Soul Search hit the nail on the head. Sounds to me that your girlfriend has control issues. She seems to want to make you walk on eggshells. This silly little rule of hers is affecting your ability to be open in the relationship. Bottom line is that she is putting her "rule" above any concern for your feelings. That wouldn't fly with me.
Author LoneWolfie Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 Well i have decided to let it rest, and move on like she says she wants to. And from now on not make any more promises to her unless we have discussed what boundaries the promise will have and im 100% certain i can keep the promise. That way i hope we can avoid repeating this disaster. Knowing her she will respect that im not making promises, but merely try my best because i dont want to hurt her. Should she bring up the subject again i will tell her that i took a walk to prevent her from getting hurt and that when i made the decision i didnt feel as though i was breaking any promises as we were not argueing. And that im sad she doesnt seem to take into account i was just trying to prevent my issues from causing damage to us. That she was being black/white about it. Dispite this issue, i believe she is worth staying with. Im certainly not the kind of guy that leaves a otherwise comforting relationship because she has a few issues.
JustLooking123 Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 Wow. Your girlfriend sounds rigid and controlling. She's already giving you a hard time for "breaking promises" you didn't even make. I expect that you will never be able to live up to her ridiculous expectations. And I agree with above posters that she is trying to make you the bad guy, when she knows she is in the wrong. Good luck, man...I am not sure if I could deal with a relationship like this. Also, your description of your girlfriend reminds me of a little kid demanding that her friends pinky-swear her.
manugeorge Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 Well, it doesn't sound to me like you're going to get a fair hearing from little Miss Black-or-White anyway, so why bring it up again? I personally find it a little off-putting when a person I'm in relationship with cannot see the gray area that exists in everyday life. It's either all or none, black or white, and THAT'S IT. Relationships are about compromise and learning to work with the other person. Which includes accepting the gray areas. Why bother talking to her about it? She sees it as a broken promise, period, no explanation possible or even allowed. Just move on. Bingo!, there's your answer. I'll be very careful with a person this rigid. I can bet you it doesn't only apply to "broken promises", it will extend to other parts of your relationship. And I can see that she's also found the perfect little compliant victim in you--judging by the fact that you don't see anything wrong in the law she's laid down, and the fact that you want to explain yourself 100 times so her feelings don't get hurt. Remember, you teach people how to treat you.
Author LoneWolfie Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 Well she came home still pissed today. So we talked about it again, her assuming a 'passive aggressive' stance. When i told her the promise i made was about not storming out during an arguement and that i didnt storm out but went for a relaxing walk she replied with: "it seems you didnt break a promise." "if thats what the chatlog says then i must have remembered the details wrong" (note: the promise was made when i was talking to her on MSN one night, the chatlog she refers to is on my old computer.) However she also said that me going out without telling her and not inmediately talking to her when i got back made her feel as though i was ignoring her and that i should not have done that, promise or not. So it seems atm she is still determined to be upset with me. A friend of mine adviced me to give it more time and let it fade away. Is that the best thing to do atm? She gets pissed just thinking about it or if i bring it up again.
dreamergrl Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 I think that you should cease contact with her. Don't try to explain things to her, she knows. Depending on the type of attention she was giving her male friend, I don't blame you for walking out and blowing off the steam. It's not a good thing to break promises, but you obviously have not done this here, there for she's trying to control the situation. I am a girl who hates broken promises - but I wouldn't be looking at it like that in this case. Don't contact her and let her stew on what you had to say. Maybe she's being stubborn and doesn't want to admit she's wrong.
reservoirdog1 Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 To me, this sounds like control freakish crap from her. I think you should tell her that sometimes, you need to distance yourself from the situation to calm down and clear your head, and you find it helpful and healthy to do that. Tell her that you will continue to do that in the future if necessary, and that you will no longer consider it to be "breaking your promise". If she doesn't like that, then show her flirting-with-other-guys-blame-deflecting ass the door.
Charles1978 Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 Her "rule" is an interesting insurance policy for her. Whenever she does something she knows is wrong... such as flirting with guys in front of you... no matter what, she is able to turn any situation around on you and make you the bad guy. It is so obvious what she is doing. I hope you can find a more normal relationship in the future.
GorillaTheater Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 To me, this sounds like control freakish crap from her. I think you should tell her that sometimes, you need to distance yourself from the situation to calm down and clear your head, and you find it helpful and healthy to do that. Tell her that you will continue to do that in the future if necessary, and that you will no longer consider it to be "breaking your promise". If she doesn't like that, then show her flirting-with-other-guys-blame-deflecting ass the door. Absolutely right. This behavior pissed me off just having to read about it. Don't be a doormat, LoneWolfie. Don't lose yourself and your self-respect. No girl is worth it.
Davey McG Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 Lonewolf, Is this girl's name Siobahn by any chance? Sounds terrifyingy similar to someone I knew.
Enema Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 Well, she certainly did a good job at deflecting your attention away from her behaviour with the male friends. She's a natural, but you need some more backbone buddy.
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