Intricategirl Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 I had a revelation today. I'm not going to talk about it here because I said what I needed to say to the person I needed to say it to. But I will say that this changed my entire perspective towards my ex, and more importantly, towards myself. It's something that completely devastated my entire idea of myself and who I was. When I initially told my ex, he responded like I thought he would- badly. He denied it, he ranted that I was thinking up hoops for him to jump through, and unleashed a lot of venom on me. But I knew this wasn't something I could easily back down from. I needed to tell him whether he'd listen or not. I had made up a list of things that caused me problems- things here and there that if a friend was telling me, I would have told her in no uncertain terms that it was unacceptable to be treated that way. And yet, I went through it because I didn't know how to get myself out. And I think that's because I didn't know how I got myself into it in the first place. I didn't expect he'd care what I had to say. I expected he would take it very badly and call me a liar. I almost didn't tell him because he didn't seem interested in what had caused me so much pain. But he asked, and he said he would listen (though I believed it was just so he could defend himself against my accusations). When I started telling him the things on the list, he did call me a liar. He did every negative reaction I expected he would do. Several times he interrupted me and told me that I was lying, or exaggerating. And then he actually listened. It was not the fake, "I hear you, but disagree and I'm sorry you feel that way" kind of listening. It was actual, real listening. And I had been crying through most of it, but what made me snap so hard that I dropped the phone and was screaming as I cried is when he said he was sorry. It was the most genuine apology I've ever had from him, and he was crying as he said it and did not stop through the rest of the conversation. It was 13 years worth of finally hearing me, understanding, and remorse. Lots of remorse. And when I finally stopped screaming, I picked the phone up and told him thank you. He finally heard me and saw how affected I was, and acknowledged that I have the right to feel that way. I got what I think every single left-behind spouse wants. I got an apology, and not an explanation exactly, but a realization that they left behind some serious damage, some understanding of the position I'm in, and regret that they had a part in making it go so badly. That is very rare and I'm not taking it lightly. I think he and I both know that friendship will never happen between us. I think all chance of that went out tonight. But I think we're also both at the exact same place where there can be an absence of friendship without hate. It's not something I will get over for a while, but having that apology, I can finally get over him. There's a difference between not wanting him back (which I already had) and getting over him, and I think I at least have an idea where to start now.
Athena Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 wow intricategirl, your post really touched me. I understand. And I acknowledge your bravery in writing that list, in phoning him, in continuing to read the list out to him, despite knowing his negative reaction would come, as it did, and to continue until HE HEARD YOU! I know what that means. Well done to you. The only thing I am confused about is why you say <<I think he and I both know that friendship will never happen between us. I think all chance of that went out tonight.>> Why because you told the truth about his hurting you can there be no chance of friendship! I would disagree with that! I would say since there is no b'sing or fake friendliness, but a true acknowledgment of the wrongs he did you over 13 years, that now you might be able to start off with a clean slate... that wouldn't have been possible if you hadn't pushed through and made him see.
Author Intricategirl Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 The only thing I am confused about is why you say <<I think he and I both know that friendship will never happen between us. I think all chance of that went out tonight.>> Why because you told the truth about his hurting you can there be no chance of friendship! I would disagree with that! I would say since there is no b'sing or fake friendliness, but a true acknowledgment of the wrongs he did you over 13 years, that now you might be able to start off with a clean slate... that wouldn't have been possible if you hadn't pushed through and made him see. Because of the things I didn't say here. Trust me, I left an enormous amount out, but they are not simple things that an apology can fix. And he knows it, and I don't think he'd ask me to be friends. He knows why I can't.
delajoonal Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 Intricategirl... first i have to say i am so very proud of you for standing up to your convictions and getting out 13 years worth of anger, resentment, everything you have been holding in...as you stated in your OP, we kinda were waiting to see if 'this' would happen...you NEEDED it to..its called CLOSURE...and IT Feels fabulous! i emailed you directly...get back to me when you can...we have a lot to talk about:) p.s. i am so happy that you got ALL that off your chest...i know how much you had internalized all that bad stuff and it needed to come out... i had a similar revolation this week, yesteday infact.... hugs, T*
Author Intricategirl Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 Emailing you back soon. This was not a happy revelation. This was not internalizing my feelings about the separation. And it definitely wasn't closure.
Athena Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 Emailing you back soon. This was not a happy revelation. This was not internalizing my feelings about the separation. And it definitely wasn't closure. What was it then? Are you pleased with the way it went? Do you need anything else from him?
Author Intricategirl Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 It isn't the kind of thing that I can be pleased with the outcome. I can begin to move on past this point, and I can accept his apology, but that doesn't mean it was pleasing. And no, I don't need anything else from him. I stand by what I originally said. I'm glad he's gone, that's the best thing that ever happened to me, and there is absolutely no way I would consider taking him back. That doesn't mean it was closure though.
delajoonal Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 intricategirl... emailing you again...we should talk ..i am worried now...
Author Intricategirl Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 Yeah... Don't worry. It's the point where I can move on. I got an apology, I got insight, and I got out. Hell of a cost...
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