womansintution Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 I can't tell you why I'm here writing this right now, it's really not my style. Wait, yes I can... it's because I'm desperate to find some answers and to clear my clouded head. That's where you come in. Here's the situation... I have been working in an intimate office for a little over 6 months now. I have a coworker who I felt an instant attraction to, and come to find out we have, what I believe to be, really amazing chemistry. I have only ever once had this kind of chemistry with someone. That's why this has such a strong hold on me. Things have started getting a little more intense in the last couple of months. The flirting has increased, and he's started touching me. By touching, I mean completely innocent touching (a push here, and poke in the side there). The flirting is mostly innocent too, but there are definite inuendos being thrown around, which I try my damnest to ignore. I know he is sexually attracted to me, but what I'm hung up on is whether that is where it stops. As you may have guessed by now, I'm talking about a married man. I'm pretty sure he's tried to put us in situations where he was about to try to kiss me, but I've been really good at avoiding them. I don't know how much longer I have that in me though, the attraction (physical and emotional - on my end anyway) is getting scary. What I don't want is to have an affair with a married man. I also don't want the flirting to stop because it's just too fun. It gives me something to look forward to at work. Of course, ideally, and selfishly, I'd love for him to come in one day and tell me how madly in love with me he is and that he thinks we were meant to be. I'm not a daydreamer, though, and I know better. I can still hope that this chemistry is that strong for him too though. Selfish, I know. We can't help what we feel, right? I don't know how long he's been married, but I think it's been less than 5 years. They have a little boy. I guess what I'd like to hear from you is whether or not it's possible to fall in love outside of a marriage. Is it possible that this guy is feeling the crazy chemistry too? Is there any chance that this could be it? Do I continue on with things the way they are or do I somehow, someway, try to put a cork on it before it runneth over? I know I'm going to get berated from some of you, and I understand, and even respect that, but please remember that I already said I'm not interested in an affair, and I have been nothing but well behaved (outside of some innocent flirting). What are some indications that he's seriously interested in me versus out to get some side action? Any help would be great. Thanks!
jj33 Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 You know you are playing with fire. Hes married with a young child so until he gets divorce, hes not seriously interested in anything other than affair. He may just be amusing himself the same way you are. If something started and then he realized he'd made a mistake how stupid would you feel continuing to work with him in a small office? You could also be putting your job on the line. Its not worth it any way you look at it. It is really that simple.
9Lives Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 Yes it is possible to fall in love with someone but at the end of the day. Real love can give all and can receive all. YOU have the married man and the other side of the married man. You can learn the hard way or you can listn and realize whatever you doing right now...It is not worth it. Giving him some pussy is going to help him STAY in his marriage. It is going to make it confusing for both of you...It is going to be the beginning of pain and suffering when you get a attached. You are going to feel this burning sensations of chemistry but it is only cause he is married. I can only tell you ...leave that s/hit alone. F/uck him and everything he talking about. If he needs some sex get you a ho....if he needs some emotional support...call your mom...if he just wants to have a friend...long ashe know he aint getting none..if he wants a good time...get with a homeboy. Tell him hell no!!!!!!!
sugarmomma Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 I think you should be OFFENDED by his behavior. He is seeing if you are foolish enough to let him come on to you knowing that he is married. He is a loser to be thinking only about his selfish needs and not thinking twice how it will hurt his family or you if this continues. Believe me it will hurt you because you have already stated that you are attracted to him. After a brief affair with a man in a realtionship, I can tell you that today I am totally offended when a married man or man in a R comes on to me. I would tell him off in such a way that he wouldn't think twice about relegating me to 2nd place. If you don't show him that you have more respect for yourself than to get involved with a married man he will get all he can. Oh yea you will get crumbs of attention and affection. Remember everytime you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settle for. Just thought I would share that with you. THERE IS NOTHING REAL ABOUT WHAT YOU HAVE WITH HIM. FIND A SINGLE MAN THAT WILL PUT YOU FIRST. WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE YOU DESERVE FROM A REALTIONSHIP?
jwi71 Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 I can't tell you why I'm here writing this right now, it's really not my style. Wait, yes I can... it's because I'm desperate to find some answers and to clear my clouded head. That's where you come in. Here's the situation... I have been working in an intimate office for a little over 6 months now. I have a coworker who I felt an instant attraction to, and come to find out we have, what I believe to be, really amazing chemistry. I have only ever once had this kind of chemistry with someone. That's why this has such a strong hold on me. Things have started getting a little more intense in the last couple of months. The flirting has increased, and he's started touching me. By touching, I mean completely innocent touching (a push here, and poke in the side there). The flirting is mostly innocent too, but there are definite inuendos being thrown around, which I try my damnest to ignore. I know he is sexually attracted to me, but what I'm hung up on is whether that is where it stops. As you may have guessed by now, I'm talking about a married man. I'm pretty sure he's tried to put us in situations where he was about to try to kiss me, but I've been really good at avoiding them. I don't know how much longer I have that in me though, the attraction (physical and emotional - on my end anyway) is getting scary. What I don't want is to have an affair with a married man. I also don't want the flirting to stop because it's just too fun. It gives me something to look forward to at work. Of course, ideally, and selfishly, I'd love for him to come in one day and tell me how madly in love with me he is and that he thinks we were meant to be. I'm not a daydreamer, though, and I know better. I can still hope that this chemistry is that strong for him too though. Selfish, I know. We can't help what we feel, right? I don't know how long he's been married, but I think it's been less than 5 years. They have a little boy. I guess what I'd like to hear from you is whether or not it's possible to fall in love outside of a marriage. Is it possible that this guy is feeling the crazy chemistry too? Is there any chance that this could be it? Do I continue on with things the way they are or do I somehow, someway, try to put a cork on it before it runneth over? I know I'm going to get berated from some of you, and I understand, and even respect that, but please remember that I already said I'm not interested in an affair, and I have been nothing but well behaved (outside of some innocent flirting). What are some indications that he's seriously interested in me versus out to get some side action? Any help would be great. Thanks! You have no idea what you want. Read your post one sentence contradicts the next. You can handle it, its innocent, its instant chemistry, you don't want an A. Yet that's what you are doing, building an A with him. It was chemistry. It was innocent flirting. It was sexual innuendo. It was innocent touching (wtf is that anyway) It was trying to be alone. He escalates and you respond. Its standard A script. I would stop if I were you. I doubt you will. This road is nothing but pain and heartache for everyone.
TaraMaiden Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 You know exactly what you need to do: You need to tell this man that he is married, and that as far as you are concerned he is completely off-limits and his behaviour is inappropriate. he should be more concerned with improving relations with the woman he married and made vows to, and should be respecting her. This all goes for you too by the way, because otherwise we are going to see you as a regular poster, involved with a married man, living a lie, jealous of his wife and fending off his excuses as to why he is unable to get divorced right now, and no of course he never has sex with his wife and yes he loves you and wants you in his life..... Stop being a silly frilly girly, and behave yourself. he is wrong to do this. And you are wrong to accept it. (This is also in your other twin thread...)
Billie63 Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 Let me tell you about my experience - similar to yours. 10 years ago I began a new job and was introduced to 'A'. He was gorgeous, intelligent, funny and married with 3 young kids. All the women in the office had a major crush on A. A and I frequently worked alone together in the office and there was obvious chemistry straight away - I thought he was simply divine. And then at an office 'awayday' there was an opportunity to take it further. I didn't take that step. 1. He was married 2. We worked together Ten years on we are friends, we get on well. I no longer see him as the divine heart-throb of the office. He is just A. What I suppose i am saying is that just because you fancy someone, doesn't mean you have to act on it. And those feelings can change - just like a marriage - you get used to seeing them in the office day in/day out - they lose their mystique. 'A' broke up from his wife about 3 years ago and he's seeing someone else - a little part of me thought 'what if'. But it was too late - I no longer see him in that way. So, enjoy the flirting by all means - flirting with married men is fine and can make both people feel fantastic - as you say, it makes work that much more fun - but just say to yourself that is as far as it goes.
pikachu67 Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 I was like you, got so smitten by a colleague who was and still is married. Believe me, it is tough being the OW, I can tell you now that if i could turn back the clock, I wouldn't want to take the path i did no matter how sweet, loving and a caring person he is. While the fun and excitement may or may not die off after a while but over time, when you have fallen deeply for the MM, you will start to have expectations and that's when the problems start. In the beginning, he can promise you anything under the sun, that he will leave the W, that he will want to spend the rest of his life with you, blah blah. I have heard all these! But most MM WILL NOT leave the W and family for the OW. And when you become desperate and clingy, he will turn the other way and go back to the W. Even if the MM and the OW truly love each other, so what? He's never going to leave the W and family but on the other hand, is it worth it for the OW to bear such pain knowing that she will never come first in his life and how depressing it is to know how he is with the W when you are not with him. And not forgetting the pain that you will cause the W and kids. Please dont fall into this trap. I am speaking from experience and it's a very painful lesson to learn. I am hurting so much now yet I still cannot bring myself to leave him yet. I wished I hadn't started the A with him. And I am NEVER going to repeat this stupid act ever again! So please...stop and leave before you get emotionally entangled and end up a mess like me.
Author womansintution Posted May 7, 2009 Author Posted May 7, 2009 First, thank you for everyone's responses. I consider myself to be a pretty intelligent person when it comes to affairs (no pun intended) of the heart. That alone, however, is why I was compelled to write this blog. I've rationalized it in my head a million times. The funny thing is, everyone close to me that I've shared my feeling with (and way more detail) thinks that it's not just his penis talking. Having said that, I regress. Guys will always be guys, which means they will ALWAYS think with their penises. I get that. I've had a lot of male friends throughout my life and been in enough relationships (pre-marriage), and know EXACTLY how they think. I've kept that in mind, which is why I've done nothing and not responded to his advances. I've respected his situation/his wife more than I think the average woman would. I've seen/dealt with the male psyche enough to understand full well what is going on. It was just that part of me that wanted to believe (still does - but I'll get over it) that it's real. That he really has very real feelings; that maybe he's supposed to be with me. I know, I know... And, really, I posted this blog in hopes of finding someone that would tell me that, "yes, you are both madly in love, and things will be beautiful" but I know better. I've always known better. It's just so hard to admit after you haven't had chemistry like that in so long (actually this is only the 2nd time - I'm worried that I'll never find it again). I hate to admit it, but since my divorce, and even the experiences I've had before then, I'm the definition of jaded. Finally someone gave me something to be excited about (after 4 years), so I thought maybe, as crazy as it sounds/is, I thought it could be real; I've only felt it one other time, and that was very real, while it lasted. I think the only way to make it go away is to leave my job. That sucks. Really. Still hoping for the alternate post, but in the interum I think I'll look for another job. Thanks again for the input!
Mr. Lucky Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 Read your post one sentence contradicts the next. You can handle it, its innocent, its instant chemistry, you don't want an A. Very true, especially here: What I don't want is to have an affair with a married man. I also don't want the flirting to stop because it's just too fun. OP, your hormones are at war with your brain. Hopefully you're smart enough to think this through... Mr. Lucky
wildsoul Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 ...That he really has very real feelings; that maybe he's supposed to be with me. I know, I know... And, really, I posted this blog in hopes of finding someone that would tell me that, "yes, you are both madly in love, and things will be beautiful" but I know better. You should be SO lucky that it might only be his penis! That would be far better. You could more easily dismiss it. Hell, even if you decided to have sex with him, understanding that it was only sex, you'd be a LOT better off. Hunh? Because when your hearts are involved, the affair will REALLY hurt. A hurt you cannot fathom. A big ouchie that will feel totally worth it during the romance phase, but leaving you wanting to die as the futility of the situation becomes real. Been there done that. Don't treat your heart so callously.
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 Just as long as you always keep in mind that he wants an affair, not a divorce - then you should be ok. The second you make it into more than it is, it will be on its way to being over.
sugarmomma Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 Just as long as you always keep in mind that he wants an affair, not a divorce - then you should be ok. The second you make it into more than it is, it will be on its way to being over. LB this advice is absolutely priceless!!!! I could not have said it better myself. I can so relate to the OP having that "chemistry" and the whole thing feeling "real". If it were "real" there would be no W.
gopher Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 LB this advice is absolutely priceless!!!! I could not have said it better myself. I can so relate to the OP having that "chemistry" and the whole thing feeling "real". If it were "real" there would be no W. Exactly...this where the whole OW argument that they couldn't help it, fails miserably. Simply put, taking someone else's spouse is stealing...just as much as walking into Macy's and stealing a pair of shoes you want.
delajoonal Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 womansintution... ] [/b] "just that part of me that wanted to believe (still does - but I'll get over it) that it's real. That he really has very real feelings; that maybe he's supposed to be with me." the ONLY part that IS REAL...he is MARRIED w/a CHILD.... don't do this...you will regret it..maybe NOT today or even in a year...but one day, when YOU do get married, you will think about this time...and PRAY for forgiveness and that IT does not happen to you and your H. (if you let it get as far as a PA or even EA?) i know the butterflies in the tummy are exciting and the attention is priceless...it reminds of that feeling we got in high school when we waited at our locker that extra 3 mintues just to get a glimpse of HIM..the cutest boy in school, cause when he said HI to us...our knees would melt and it was amazing... BUT this is NOT high school, this is where you WORK, this is the roof over your head and food you eat...in today's economy, you should put your job and well being first, stop this silly game before everyone gets hurt, you lose your job, he loses his job...there is just TOO Much at risk to keep this up:( but, i do know those amazing butterflies...at the same time, its just NOT worth it:o
stillafool Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 Exactly...this where the whole OW argument that they couldn't help it, fails miserably. Simply put, taking someone else's spouse is stealing...just as much as walking into Macy's and stealing a pair of shoes you want. Isn't this the truth! I went into Neiman Marcus and saw a pair of $1,500 shoes I had great chemistry with but couldn't afford them. So what am I suppose to do - steal them? I don't think so because the price of them would then be even higher - time in jail. That's the way you have to look at this MM. He is not yours no matter how much you like him. He belongs to someone else. I like the other poster who commented that she would be insulted if a MM came on to her. I feel the same way. I would put him in his place so fast it would make his head spin around like Reagan in "The Exorcist". You can put a stop to this flirting if you want to but I feel you don't want to. You will find that chemistry again with the right man you just have to believe and do the right thing. By leaving this man and his family alone you will bring good karma into your life that will lead you to the right man for you. Don't be apart of something that would destroy and hurt his innocent family.
White Flower Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 Any help would be great. Thanks! WI, All I can really offer is that I did meet the love of my life with MM, yet I wish I had stayed innocent to that kind of love. Pandora's box can be really hard to live with once opened.
delirious Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 WI I have exactly the same experience you are having. I met this mm and we went for each other, like totally did not notice how we were behaving it was so powerful. I thought I had met the love of my life, my soulmate, I still think that. I am married and so is he. Neither of us was looking. But the chemistry is incredible, not just sexual that after 8 months of an affair, I feel such pain that I cry nearly every day. I have experienced extreme pain and extreme pleasure. It's a choice I made, but once you get in you can't get out - but know this is likely to be the result. Like the above poster, I agree it is definitely Pandora's box. Strangely enough when we started we both agreed that the "lid was off" so to speak and it is so true. You cannot however ever close that lid again of course.
Heather1 Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 If I could turn back the clock to where you are now, I would. It's the biggest ego boost & highest high! I'm now about 8 months into a rollercoaster that never rises anymore. Does that make sense? I haven't had those great feelings in a long time. Right after we had sex, he felt so guilty that it's been hell ever since, but he still wants to stay in touch & be "friends." I went into this with no expectations, and don't want either of us to get divorced, and yet it's the most painful thing for me. I doubt he's experiencing what I am. Instead of the sex bringing us closer, it's making him really angry at me at times. I won't go on about my story, but I do want to tell you that it's not an easy road. If you know men, you'll know that they love the thrill of the chase. I've been practically begging him to have those feelings (pre-A) for me again. Relationships usually move forward....these relationships usually one person wants to move forward, and the other holds back. By the time you get to that, you're stuck in a really secretive situation w/ no support....& you can't make a stand like you can in a "normal" relationship, because they're married. I cry every night too.
tami-chan Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 Isn't this the truth! I went into Neiman Marcus and saw a pair of $1,500 shoes I had great chemistry with... LOL..Oh but this is totally understandable---men should understand that having an affair with a Manolo Blahnik or Jimmy Choo is acceptable! We cant help it, we are drawn to them...
NoIDidn't Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 The gist of everyone's posts is: don't do it, you'll regret it if you do. And I agree.
jj33 Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 The funny thing is, everyone close to me that I've shared my feeling with (and way more detail) thinks that it's not just his penis talking. Who cares what is talking. He is married with young children and the odds are he has no intention of leaving his marriage (and do you want to be that vulture hovering hoping someone else's marriage fails...) Yes some men leave their marriages and some (far fewer) leave for the OW, but the fact that he is flirting with you doesnt mean that he wants out - it just means he is flirting and it may mean that if you were game he would have an affair. It is disappointing when you meet somenoe with whom you have graet chemistry but they are married. But the thing is you know that. And you kow that the odds are substantial that all the affair will lead to is heartbreak. Searing unbelievable heartbreak like nothing you have ever known. So the disappointment is normal, but deciding that you may proceed anyway because who knows you could be one of the exceptions is not a good game plan, regardless of whether you get encouragement from any other posters. I am surprised that your friends and people who care about you are encouraging you to pursue something with this man. Are they young? Are they predatory? Unless they have some independent knowledge of his situation, that suggests he is already one foot out the door (and in that case why not wait until he is out the door) its not great that your friends are suggesting that "going for it" when you so clearly have deep feelings for him, could ever be a good idea.
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