WhyYesThankYou Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 I find myself wanting to send an email or a letter to my ex, and I need some advice - either "do it" or "don't do it" or ... Well, I don't know. That's why I'm asking you! I broke up with my bf two months ago, because things had been "complicated" for far too long, and the drama was outweighing the fun. He came over a couple of times after that to talk to me, but I didn't respond and just asked him to leave. Soon after we broke up, I went overseas for a month. He emailed me while I was away, and I responded briefly because I really was concerned he was going to hurt himself; he assured me he wasn't going to. When I got back, he came over to my place and forced his way in, saying he "just wanted to catch up." It was actually kind of aggressive and creepy. (I told him we were broken up and wouldn't be "catching up" any more, and that there was nothing to talk about and he should leave.) There've been a few other incidents - other points of him initiating contact, usually his coming over here. Finally, I lost it - I did - and I went over to his place and just wanted him to stop it. I asked him to say whatever he wanted to say to me, and then be done with it so we could both move on. After that, he sent me an email telling me to "stay away" and that he doesn't want to know the person I am now. What's pissing me off about this is that *I'm* the one who broke up with him. I'm the one who didn't want to have any more contact with him. He kept contacting me after that, and I would either ignore it, respond if it seemed important (ie life-threatening), or ask him to leave (if he came here). But now, after ONE incident in which I approached him (to ask him once and for all to STOP this), he's turned it around to make it look like He's breaking up with Me. Grrrrrrr. Part of the problem with the whole relationship is/was what I see as him being narcissistic. I don't mean that he talks about himself a lot; I mean actual psychological-problem level narcissism. For example, I mentioned at one point about before Christmas about how my father died on Christmas Day, and he just went on to talk about some bad Christmas he had (didn't get a gift he wanted). Never asked me about my father's death, never asked me what happened or if Christmas is hard for me now or anything. He told me early on that one of his exes said he was a narcissist; I wish I'd paid more attention to this! I guess I just thought he was "deep" and "very in tune with himself," being the artsy guy he is. Those can be good things, but ultimately it was his COMPLETE LACK OF INTEREST in me and in my feelings that made me end things. I'm okay with that. What I'm NOT okay with is his having turned this around so it looks like he's the one dumping me. What do you think I should do? Should I just wear it, lesson learned, and take this need for him to "control" the situation as another example of him being a narcissist? Or should I regain control (at least in my own mind) by telling him that I broke up with him because he never seemed interested in me or in my feelings, and that his repeated contact with me after we broke up - when I told him I didn't want this - was evidence of this. And tell him that I approached him to give him a final opportunity to say whatever he wanted to say so we could move on, but that he didn't take that opportunity and instead told ME to stay away, which I recognise as simply him trying to regain some semblance of control. ?? I really don't want to continue the drama we had before. But I also don't feel comfortable leaving things as they are, because I feel like he's "won" something. The last contact between us is his email from 10 days ago telling me to "stay away." That was MY line, dammit, and I want it back. What do you think? Thanks...
Author WhyYesThankYou Posted May 7, 2009 Author Posted May 7, 2009 um... hi, nobody's replied to this post of mine from a couple of days ago. Maybe it's a bit too long, or maybe the answer is really obvious to everyone except me... But if anyone has a view or some advice on this, I'd really appreciate it. Part of me is glad I haven't been in contact with him. But part of me is still annoyed; I feel like I was showing him I was moving on, and he kept provoking me until I responded. Then he got the upper hand by telling me to stay away. I really kind of want to get that "power" back. But if he did what he did to get the "power" on his side, then if I do something, he might just retaliate to regain control... Anyway, if anyone has some words of wisdom, that'd be great. Otherwise I'll just let this thread die a natural death.
lovelinefan Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 Look at it this way, if you can - you broke up with him, and you didn't want to hear from him again - you now have that. It doesn't matter that it took him this long to conclude the same thing you did 2 months ago, or how he came to that conclusion, it just matters that you are both going to stop contacting each other, and move on. Leave it alone, and in a few weeks you will see how silly it is, and how unproductive it would be to email him now.
Peter_pan Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 yeah its not about getting one up or who broke up with who just so you can sleep at night. i say, let it be.
PinkRibbon Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 This is not about who has the upperhand which is what it sounds like to me. It was ok when YOU broke up with him but now his attitude has changed and you still want it to be you that has the upperhand. Let it go. You got what you wanted which was him gone.
Author WhyYesThankYou Posted May 7, 2009 Author Posted May 7, 2009 Thanks, all, for your responses. That was three very concise, objective bits of advice - and conveniently, they were all in agreement with each other! Okay, I will accept that I've gotten what I wanted, which was him out of my life. Onwards and upwards!
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