opalstar Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 Hi, my first post and with a big question. Background...met him three and a half years ago and fell deeply, madly etc. He is much younger than me, and from a different cultural and religious background. All was wonderful for two years...then he told me he was married! An arranged marriage(unconsumated), and his wife was not in this country. I ran, but he chased and won me back. I then agreed to meet up less, two days a week as his family did not accept our love. I have become a secret 'friend' on Wednesdays and Saturdays! Today he tells me his wife has just got a visa. She will enter the country any day now. He says he loves me, all will be the same and he does not want to lose me, but it is up to me. Lots of tears from us both. I am adrift and do not know what to do. I love him, sadly; but do not want to share. I tried to ignore the wife whilst she was distant and almost not an issue. Now I must face reality, and am so unsure what to do next. If anyone who has/is in a similiar position can offer advice, it will all be greatfully received.
2sure Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 Like every OW, you just have to decide if you can be satisfied with 2 days a week and for how long? With his wife living with him - even that may be less.
Owl Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 What prevents him from divorcing his wife before she enters the country?
Reggie Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 Sounds like you were played, pretty well. He does not want to lose his wife. Now, you have certainty on this. You gambled and lost. So , now you should pack it in and cut your losses.
wildsoul Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 It sounds like you never really wanted to be a mistress, but your feelings got carried away with this guy and you made an exception. If that's the case, then your feelings of discomfort will only increase over time. (Ask any of us!) The wisest thing to do would be to muscle up your courage and end the relationship. Yes, it will hurt. But you'll be sparing ALL of you so much more hurt later. Chalk it up to a life lesson. Realize the futility. Declare your rights to have a full time relationship with an available man. Put him behind you in the big box that says, "Ex boyfriends."
Die Hard Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 I cannot express how right wildsoul is here. You do not sound as if an affair is for you. Those feelings of not wanting to share him will only worsen when he spends time with you and then returns to her bed at night. Seeing someone you love go home to someone else is one of the most painful things you can experience, emotionaly speaking. If you can find a way to get your head to a place where you can walk away from this I'd highly suggest it. Wildsoul has been there and is making it. I made it out and so can you. The pain only gets worse and I am not exaggerating.
bentnotbroken Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 Now is the time to walk away. This is going to get worse, not better. 2 days a week, what are you supposed to do with the other 5? Have you thought about counseling?
fooled once Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 He has a wife. He supposedly hasn't slept with her. Are there really arranged marriages in this day and age? You have a choice. Be the OW or be single. Be 2nd place; or find someone and be first place.
bentnotbroken Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 He has a wife. He supposedly hasn't slept with her. Are there really arranged marriages in this day and age? You have a choice. Be the OW or be single. Be 2nd place; or find someone and be first place. Lots of different cultures, especially collectivist cultures, it has never waned.
JeezLouise Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 If his wife wasn't in the country, then why were you relegated to Wednesdays and Saturdays? I would think you get tons of overnights and evenings and weekends and holidays.
Author opalstar Posted May 10, 2009 Author Posted May 10, 2009 Thank you all for your advice. I agree with all that you have said. I never intended to be a mistress, and have become one by him not being truthfull from the start. I think he never wanted to be married to her, and hoped she would never come to the uk. It was all arranged by his family 8 years ago, and he had not seen her since then. We met over 3 years ago and fell in love. We still spend all the time together that we can (he lives quite far from me, and works two jobs.) His family have been putting pressure on him not to see me any more, and that is another reason we do not spend as much time together as we would like. He realizes that he is to blame for not telling me at the start, but then there would never have been anything between us. He says he cannot divorce her for two reasons. Firstly, there is a marriage contract that would mean him giving her a vast amount of money in compensation. Secondly, and more of concern is his fear for his remaining family back home. Evidently her family are influential and could cause harm to his family members in response to any wrong doing on his part. I know it sounds all like a plot for a bad novel, but this is my reality. I think I have decided to wait until she arives in this country and then tell him we can still be friends, but that is all from that point. If he does truely love me, then he will be happy to keep our love and friendship but accept the loss of a lover. I will then try to get on with my life, and try to find a man who can put me first. Thanks again for listening and trying to help me.
TaraMaiden Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 Wrong. What you do is to let HIM wait until she arrives into the country, but that from this moment on you are just friends. No delay. What you are saying here is that you will continue to contribute to his infidelity and your sorrow, by continuing this sexual relationship with him. He may truly love you, but this is not something that can be decided with a clear head while you are still having sex and in a liaison with him. His marital problems and extricating himself, are exactly that. I sympathise with him, but unfortunately, this is his concern, not yours. If he is much younger and from a different culture, then you have too many complications to even consider continuing beyond this point. And being friends is far from being a second-best option. You need to sever all contact - ALL CONTACT - and do it sooner rather than later. I wish you well. _/l\_
marlena Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 Secondly, and more of concern is his fear for his remaining family back home. Evidently her family are influential and could cause harm to his family members in response to any wrong doing on his part. This is a real possibility in many cultures. Personal vendettas are very common and very dangerous, often costing the lives of many people. For your own safety and the safety of others, please get out now before it is too late. And no, friendship is not an option. You are still madly in love with him. Mourn your loss and then move on the best that you can until he becomes but a memory. Be strong. M
DayDreamer75 Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 As strange as this sounds, the arranged marriages are still a big reality in a lot of cultures. I have an Indian friend who now lives in UK. He gave up the love of his life several years back (8 if I remember correctly) to honour the arranged marriage contract his parents negotiated with his wife's parents when they were still kids. This may seem impossible to those of us who grew up as we did and who believe in romantic love and that the love will conquer it all. But honestly, based on what I know and what this friend of mine also told me, I honestly don't think you have much chance in here. I am very sorry you find yourself in such a situation but the only thing you can do now for yourself to hurt less long-term is walk away... If I remember correctly, this guy friend of mine has been married to his wife for 8 years. He does not love her. They are from different cultural backgrounds. He has a university degree and she does not even have a high school degree. But nonetheless, he does not intend to ever leave her. These people sacrifice their own selves to live up to the formal contract. So, what makes you think they won't sacrifice their true love if it's not accepted and understood by their parents? You can only help yourself by staying as far away as possible and by reminding yourself continuously that you are lucky you got away while you still could... Run!
Mr. Lucky Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 As strange as this sounds, the arranged marriages are still a big reality in a lot of cultures. I have an Indian friend who now lives in UK. He gave up the love of his life several years back (8 if I remember correctly) to honour the arranged marriage contract his parents negotiated with his wife's parents when they were still kids. Agreed but it doesn't always have a negative outcome. I have a good friend, also Indian, who has one of the best marriages I've seen. He and his wife seem to be very much in love. I was very surprised when he told me their marriage was arranged and that they met just before the ceremony. An arranged marriage(unconsumated) Opalstar, since he's deceived you before, isn't it possible that "unconsumated" is part of the deception? Mr. Lucky
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