Author Soul Bear Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 How would you feel if you got sent that email? The one i wrote!
kizik Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 Soul Bear, I'm really sorry about this crap you're going through. The best advice: -ignore -ignore -ignore Don't write her anymore; don't read what she writes you. It all comes down to a true and basic fact - she does not love you or want to be with you. Don't take that as a reflection of yourself. She made a choice. You have to accept it. You have to become the person you were before you met her. You didn't need her then. You didn't even know her name. Close your eyes. Try to remember what that felt like. You know, I used to say the following a lot, and haven't in a while: you have to go to your happy place. The happy place is one in which you felt truly joyous when your ex didn't even exist. Your happy place is somewhere you were when you were single, maybe with some friends, when you felt totally, undeniably happy. Mine is a beach in Costa Rica at the age of 19. When your mind starts twisting, when the pain comes flooding in, dam it with your happy place. Go there, multiple times a day. Feel how it felt to be independent and happy without a woman. Best of luck, Josh
LadyV Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 I couldn't agree more with everyone else here who feels that they can not be friends with an ex. My XBF and I were only together for 5 months, but the intensity of the relationship, as well as the on and off again aspect of it all, really has taken it's toll on me emotionally. Our official split was in March, and I went to strict NC. He is so predictable and I knew that it would just be a matter of time when he would contact me. I was right, a week later, I get an email sorta like a good bye, wishing me the best and so forth. I was dumb enough to reply back...what a mistake that was...because it opened up yet another cycle of the I miss you, I love you, and although we were not "together", we were still acting like a couple somewhat, minus the fact that we were NOT committed. I had to leave town on an emergancy, and the day before he left, he came over. I cried and told him that this will probably be the last time that we were together, and he agreed it would probably be a good idea. The day I left, the txts started coming in..."Honey, are you okay? Did you make it safe?" Blah Blah Blah!!! Over the weekend, he was emotionally hurt because of a situation with his son. I talked to him, and was trying really hard to be suportive as a friend but he was so nasty and very mean. I told him I had to go. I went for a long drive...thank goodness for rental cars! I sat at the beach, just enjoying seeing so many people walking around, and I was feeling so empty. I got in my car and called him and told him, "This will be the last time you hear from me." He said, "I figured as much." I said to him, I was tired wanting to be in someone's life who just couldn't do it, and I deserved more, and that I was ready to move on, and want to move on. He agreed and said we are only pro-longing the inevitable. I told him to delete my number and never contact me again. He agreed. I then called my phone company, put a block on his number, as well as closed the email account that he would write me at. We can't be friends...Not now. He's already moved on, (I spied his FB site, as well as a girl he has been talking to.) Now, both of those social sites are blocked...I don't want any trace of him, not even a hint of him because it is a reminder...I don't need reminders of the pain he put me through, and see him move on so fast... Maybe one day, we can be friends....but that will be a very long time from now. Seeing him with someone else would still hurt like hell and I would rather just pretend that he no longer exists. It's drastic on my end, but the only way I will be able to move on...NC and No friendships.....
Author Soul Bear Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 god what a B I T C H My email says it all to her anyway. so in that im happy i guess... Just this is all a serious head F*uck for me. I should practice hateing her now I wish i had told her that, that her behaviour and the way she has dealt with this breakup has actually mad me hate her a a person, and i would never want to friends with someone so cold and ruthless... -ignore -ignore -ignore
BettyBoop Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 Any insight into her reply anyone please? ''If you ever decide you would like to be friends, do not hesitate to get in touch.'' I figure this means basically, she doesnn't really care wheter or not she ever hears from you again...but she doesn't want to be the one who "wouldn't want to be friends"...if she really wanted to be friends, she would simply have said something along the lines of "I want us to be able to be friends." But the others are right, don't read too much into every single word...
mmk1 Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 SB, after being in your position recently and with alittle time for reflection, my thoughts are that you need to accept that people change and your ex decided, for whatever reason, that she no longer wanted to be with you. That is her right and someday you will appreciate her being direct and honest. Your email was not accepting but arguing with her decision, which will do you no good and confirm in her that her decision was right. Equally true, because you are in love with her, that accepting her offer of friendship would be nothing but pain for you. You are not ready and you may never be, as most dumpees will not. Thus, it is your right to say no to friendship. The one constant in life is that people change. Respect and accept her decision. It will be best for you in the long run.
trueblue72ny Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 i say forget trying to be friends with your ex. its pointless and a waste of time. i dont know about any of the other guys here, but i came to the conclusion there is no way i am hanging out with my ex gf, as a shoulder for her to cry on while she looks for another guy to be with. it just wont work. unless, you dont care what your ex does, than thats cool. you can be her friend. but most people still have some sort of feelings involved. i dont think going backwards from lovers to friends works.
jcs8528 Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 Don't do it. Very bad idea. This is the first time I have ever done it (at the age of forty), directly after a break-up trying while I was the dumpee. She dangled it everywhere and kept stringing me along for her own selfishness. I can tell you from experience I have been through 18 months of hell while trying to be "her friend". She finally left me for her best male friend of 20 years, whom she said was like her little brother, and moved right in with him. She called me every other day before that for a year, saying we're friends, i need space but I'll be back. Nothing can come of it but bad things if you are not over your ex. Bad Things, man.
Montclair0011 Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 I am friends with two ex-boyfriends from long, long ago (1970s-early 1980s) and here's some of the benefits of staying in touch: 1) If you just loose touch,you might be in danger of romanticizing the person, thinking they were the love of your life. If you stay in touch you eventually realize they did you a favor by breaking up with you, since marriage to them would have been living hell and most likely led to divorce. The are hopefully someone elses problem now and you are not jelous. 2) You have someone who remembers you waaaaaaay back when and some of the shared experiences--almost like family. In fact, successful friendships with ex'es eventually feel more like sibling relationships, rather than romantic. HOWEVER, and this is big, I am talking about relationships that resumed after long periods of NC. In one case, I did not talk to the guy for 25 years (and he's living in a different country now). These relationships work best if both have moved on to sucessful new relationships and include all new partners meeting and socializing (not secrets kept from a present spouse). And I'm not talking about become BEST friends, with these exes--more like talking or visiting once or a few times a year. As for being friends with someone you still have feelings for -- NO, WAY, although it sure is tourture wondering where they are and what they are doing and if they still miss you. I deal with that every day.
Nuala83 Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 It's a tough one. Whatever you decide to do there's gonna be risks. I tried the "well I'm leaving and you'll never see me again" route but he didn't seem to be bothered. He then tried to reason (almost pleaded) with me to stay friends and I agreed but going by my personal experience and reading what others have said, staying friends is a very bad idea. The reasons are: 1. The may just be offering to stay friends with you to cushion the blow for the breakup (for them as well as you). 2. If there is someone else they might just be stringing you along as their safety net. A plan b if you will. 3. It's sooo incredibly painful to try to act like a friend around your ex when you still have deep feelings for them, especially if they don't feel the same way. I tried it and I couldn't make the transition from being his girl to being just another pal he walks around with. Not being able to hold his hand or kiss him or embrace him was just awfull. 4. If you continue to love your ex but carry on being friends in the vain hope that they might see how great you are and fall back in love with you, when they do find someone else your pain is gonna be magnified. Imagine having to stand by and watch someone you love falling in love with someone else and maybe even turning to you for love advice! I've been broken up with my ex for six weeks now and I still wake up at 2am with that sinking panicy feeling of despair but being friends doesn't aleviate that. All it's done is prolong my healing. Truth is if they love you and wanna be with you they'll do what it takes to make it happen. I guess it's possible for a couple to remain friends after a break up and then end up getting back together down the line but I think it's unlikely. Depends on the situation I guess. Also I don't think you can get back together with someone after a break up straight away. It may be possible once you've picked yourself up, moved on and become a happy confident person again who doesn't need someone else to complete them. And that's more likely if you keep your distance for a while (a few weeks at the very minimum) and focus on yourself. I tried to remain friends with my ex but I couldn't make the transition and our friendship ended up deteriorating so now I'm doing NC. Not as a mind game or move but to get my head on straight and take some time to think about things. It's only been 3 days but I'm feeling a bit calmer. I've started eating again too (I've lost 12 pounds since the break up). My advice: If you still have romantic feelings towards your ex DON'T STAY FRIENDS!...not for the moment anyhow. Start taking some bloody good care of yourself cos you deserve it.
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