Soul Bear Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 Is it good to stay friends with an ex after you have shared so much together and they broke up with you? Has anyone reached reconciliation before, by trying very hard to remain 'just friends'? Or the next time you met did you just say 'all or nothing' ? What are the advantages and disadvantages? Any stories out there? sucsessfull and not so sucsessfull, all welcome Everyone on this forum has been so helpful to me. Thankyou guys
Author Soul Bear Posted May 5, 2009 Author Posted May 5, 2009 Any solid advice from your experience too would be great!
BCCA Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 Being friends with someone who dumped you is like going to work when they arent paying you: POINTLESS. Youre never going to be true friends, its always going to be some awkward situation that usually benefits the dumper only. Youre not going to be able to call or see them when you want, its going to be on their terms, and they flat out are NOT going to be there for you when you need. 'Friends' to dumpers means that you dont hate them. Thats all theyre looking for, some validation that they arent a terrible person. And as soon as they start dating someone else, they wont have a single second for you. Its really a waste of energy, and there are no advantages. You open yourself up to being used and hurt over and over, while getting next to nothing for your troubles. It does not lead back to a relationship, even though I know we all would like to believe that it could, and it really causes the person dumping you to lose even more respect for you. No self respecting person should be friends with someone who just dumped them.
ItsMe Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 You can only be friends with your ex until your done 'breaking up with them' as it were. I mean if they genuinely wanted to stay in your life then cool, but not if your not over them 110%. Think about it as a true friendship, not as two people who used to date & just want to stay in touch, in a true friendsip youd give your friends advice on things, such as new loves, can you imagine yourself advising your ex on what to wear for his/her date with someone new? Im on my first break up & its been 3 months & I thought I'd be able to stay friends but I think its going to hurt too much...I still can't say hello to them in passing without loosing it! When you've loved someone that much it usually is all or nothing. Not that you can't ever be firends with an ex, who knows give it a few more months, (or longer - depends on who you are) & I might be able to facebook him & say hey, but i'm not seeing that happening until i'm happy with myself again & all breakup/relationship feelings are long, long gone.
Author Soul Bear Posted May 5, 2009 Author Posted May 5, 2009 Thats very interesting I dont think i can do it..... I dont need her anymore, as i now feel complete within myself, but i do want her, i still love her deeply. Rebound here we come, time to give up all hope for reconciliation. its not doing me any favours, and these stupid polite and civil conversations are doing my head in. Why, oh why, does she want to be friends?! EFF YOU! You broke my heart! its all or nothing.....but then again, i have myself thinking that if i played the 'friends' card well enough i might get a date.... Whats the point, her mind is made up. ....seemingly.... I know she is hurting, whats the point in trying to be friends with me and then being cold and civil?! Ill show her, and in a years time she will kick herself for not working through it together as we always have, and i will have the satisfaction of saying NO! I cant wait to feel that again for someone else, so i can stop thinking about her. Wheeeeew! that felt good ranting
vessv6l Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 Forget your ex and forget her friendship. i have lots of friends all of which have dignity and honor and respect for me and each other. My ex showed me none of that when she ended it with me, so why keep her as a friend for old times sake. She has no qualities i look for in friends, in fact she has displayed the qualities i loath in people. She chose not to be apart of my life and she wont be. Dont fall for that friend trap mate, Will only prolong your agony
Author Soul Bear Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 Yeah...sounds about right. Im gonna tel her when she gets back from overseas and i give her her mail. Im just gonna say exactly that. you showed me no respect or dignity when we broke up, and there is no way i can be your friend when i still love you, dont need you, but love you. Sorry and have a great life
Perrier Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 Each situation is different however I do believe you lose some self repsect when you remain friends with an ex espec if they dumped you. Does depend on the breakup circumstances tho. Im in a similar boat and I think if it is over (my bloke and situation is wishy washy) that would be it for me. Im not going to hang in there kissing ass to receive crumbs from somebody who did not treat me properly whilst we were together and is likely going to think even less of me when we're apart
Dmoney28 Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 being friends with a ex dosent work out, unless you are 100% over the person. Like someone said, there is usaully feeling still left over, and those are VERY hard to get past, after a recent break up. You think "if i stay in thier life, they may want to rekindle our relationship...wrong. If you choose to hold on to hope, the only way for a possible reconcilation is NC. NC allows both people to heal and re-evaluate the situation. Most people refuse to believe this, me one of them. But After going through my break-up, 8 months later after a 4 year relationship, i see that more than ever. Once you reach the light at the end of the tunnel, after all the tears and heartache and constantly thinking about them, you learn to live life again single. And if it was a serious relationship, the dumper usually makes contact after a while with a semi lame reason to contact you....when you're kinda over the whole thing and healed. It makes talking to them a whole lot easier, since its kinda starting over, as just meeting them.
peteyj Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 If you spent a significant amount of time with this person, like years and years, then anything is possible. Some people hold grudges forever, other people can move on. If it was a really bad breakup, it might take quite awhile to just be friends with this person. If this person is manipulative and an a-hole, then you might never be friends with them. The whole no contact, no nothing theory is nice in theory but most of the time it's more about people afraid of facing reality. I can't tell you how many friends I've seen who did the no contact philosophy but then a year or two later they bump into their ex and it's almost like they never dealt with the issues. You can't pretend like nothing happened. You can't pretend like everything is ok. I know in my case my ex wife cheated, lied, tried to manipulate me, tried to get money, and more. I will never be close friends with her ever again and I did go a couple of weeks without talking to her after I moved out and then she moved out of state. But I dealt with all the issues head on with her. I didn't pretend like everything was fine. I had bad arguments with her. I had honest talks with her.. Well as honest as they could be at that time. A couple weeks back she visited my town and she wanted to get together and talk. We hadn't seen one another in like 2 or 3 months and we don't talk on the phone. So the only real contact has been text messages. Anyway there were no issues when we met. We talked about our lives, talked about other stuff, etc. I honestly think she has a harder time hearing about girls I've been into than me hearing about her dates and new men. There were no feelings. Yeah I wish her the best and a part of me still cares for her, but if I did the whole no contact thing from the start, I would have just pretended like nothing was wrong and if we bumped into one another it would have been awkward. Instead the conversation became more like a conversation with a person I knew but hadn't seen in awhile. Not really somebody I would count on if I were in trouble, but somebody I could grab lunch with if they were in town and catch up on their lives. If you really have dealt with all the issues and have no desire to talk to or see this person ever again, then fine, do the no contact. But if you have tons of issues that you pretend aren't there, the only thing no contact is going to do is in the long run, make matters worse if and when you bump into this person a year or two or more down the line. Pretending like everything is great cause you just ignore the fact that this other person ever existed, really isn't helping you move on.
kizik Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 If you spent a significant amount of time with this person, like years and years, then anything is possible. Some people hold grudges forever, other people can move on. If it was a really bad breakup, it might take quite awhile to just be friends with this person. If this person is manipulative and an a-hole, then you might never be friends with them. The whole no contact, no nothing theory is nice in theory but most of the time it's more about people afraid of facing reality. I can't tell you how many friends I've seen who did the no contact philosophy but then a year or two later they bump into their ex and it's almost like they never dealt with the issues. You can't pretend like nothing happened. You can't pretend like everything is ok. I know in my case my ex wife cheated, lied, tried to manipulate me, tried to get money, and more. I will never be close friends with her ever again and I did go a couple of weeks without talking to her after I moved out and then she moved out of state. But I dealt with all the issues head on with her. I didn't pretend like everything was fine. I had bad arguments with her. I had honest talks with her.. Well as honest as they could be at that time. A couple weeks back she visited my town and she wanted to get together and talk. We hadn't seen one another in like 2 or 3 months and we don't talk on the phone. So the only real contact has been text messages. Anyway there were no issues when we met. We talked about our lives, talked about other stuff, etc. I honestly think she has a harder time hearing about girls I've been into than me hearing about her dates and new men. There were no feelings. Yeah I wish her the best and a part of me still cares for her, but if I did the whole no contact thing from the start, I would have just pretended like nothing was wrong and if we bumped into one another it would have been awkward. Instead the conversation became more like a conversation with a person I knew but hadn't seen in awhile. Not really somebody I would count on if I were in trouble, but somebody I could grab lunch with if they were in town and catch up on their lives. If you really have dealt with all the issues and have no desire to talk to or see this person ever again, then fine, do the no contact. But if you have tons of issues that you pretend aren't there, the only thing no contact is going to do is in the long run, make matters worse if and when you bump into this person a year or two or more down the line. Pretending like everything is great cause you just ignore the fact that this other person ever existed, really isn't helping you move on. This is a great post and an interesting perspective that I am going to think about.
EmperorR Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 Only reason I'd be friends with a ex if there was no cheating and it was way down the road when I could care who less is screwing them. If your ok seeing your ex hugging kissing their new bf or gf then by all means go ahead. To me it's a crock of bs, Ill never be friends with a ex, I remember everything and how they hurt me so bad I don't need someone like that in my life.
playlislay Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 Thats very interesting I dont think i can do it..... I dont need her anymore, as i now feel complete within myself, but i do want her, i still love her deeply. Rebound here we come, time to give up all hope for reconciliation. its not doing me any favours, and these stupid polite and civil conversations are doing my head in. Why, oh why, does she want to be friends?! EFF YOU! You broke my heart! its all or nothing.....but then again, i have myself thinking that if i played the 'friends' card well enough i might get a date.... Whats the point, her mind is made up. ....seemingly.... I know she is hurting, whats the point in trying to be friends with me and then being cold and civil?! F*uck it...its her loss.... Ill show her, and in a years time she will kick herself for not working through it together as we always have, and i will have the satisfaction of saying NO! I cant wait to feel that again for someone else, so i can stop thinking about her. Wheeeeew! that felt good ranting Soul Bear-this is EXACTLY how I feel!!! Me and my ex never really 'tried' to sort it out, lack of effort on is part and I tell you what-HIS LOSS!! I know I will make a great loving and loyal wife one day, we could have solved or problems with a little work from my side (issues from the beg of relationship) if he had communicated with me properly. He lost out on a great chance at love and stole my chance at a great shot at love. It sucks, but he will kick himself in the head one day. Just like I have for being the one with 'issues'.........*sigh* Never mind eh. One day we will find that one that WILL be there for us and want to stand by us, and listen to our problems. That one day will come eventually........
Author Soul Bear Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 this is what i sent to her today after eceiving an email telling me that its really over but she wants to be friends.-- I know its over, I was hoping to start again, a better and more balanced relationship and work fwd together slowly and win together as we always have. I know where i went wrong and I am changing. Well i cant be 'friends' with someone who I am in love with and have deep routed feelings for. Im amazed that you can feel such emptieness an hatred for me after everything we have been through. I guess that sums up about you at the moment. I dont need you, this I have learned. However I do want you in my life....well.... i did. That when i knew it was love, that felling of not needing you to complete me, yet still wanting you. And as far as 'friends' go, I feel like you have shown me very little dignity, honour and respect during this break up. You speak to me like Im an enemy, or some distant aquaintance. Not like someone at all who you have shared thw last 4.5 years with. You say in your mind there is no hope, Its a shame you didnt think with your heart instead. I have tried very hard to see where things went wrong, and I have tried very hard to try and let you know that i know. I am really changing these problem areas to fix not only myself, but to make us happier together- like my temper and my attitude. If you are really willing to throw all this away, then thats fine. I will sever all contact with you, and who knows, maybe one day i will have fallen out of love enough to be 'just friends' with you and not give a **** about anything else. I wouldnt count on it tho, you broke my heart into a billion peices, and the more i contact you the more you trample them into the ground. Its very sad indeed. I know we shared alot of beautiful moments together, even up at the river, but im guessing you practiced hating me up there recently instead of remembering all the amazing moments you and I have shared. I was very sad when i heard about that. Do you even remember any of them? Doesnt seem like it to me. Its very strange, and very hard to lose your best frind, your lover, and your everything else in the space of a month. Well, i cant say i havent tried anyway to reconcile with you. I have changed, but so have your feelings about me. You dont love or care for me anymore. Unless you are contacting me to say you want to give things a new shot, and you believe that I truly have learned my lessons this time, please dont ever contact me again. I cant do it. I hope you will understand that it just hurts to much. At this point my heart is still open to you, and my door is open too if you wanted to return here and make this home your own with me. Im not going to sit about like a door mat waiting for you tho, Im going to move on. I suggest you think long and hard about what it is that you really liked about me and all the good times together, cos at some point, this personal high your on is going to come crashing down, and im no longer gonna be there, nor want to be there to help. Sometimes you dont know what you have till its gone, and im telling you, the grass isnt greener. Well, i have almost gone now. ...and before you know it its gonna be to late. Ill bet my soul on it. What do you think?
vessv6l Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 Good mate, you said what you feel. Got to be happy with that.
Author Soul Bear Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 Yeah im happy with that I gonna hurt her reading that I hope.... Im actually starting do dislike her after the way she has dealt with all this
Author Soul Bear Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 Any insight into her reply anyone please? ''wow... for pete's sake I do not feel any hatred towards you at all. I do remember the good times, your good qualities, I just felt I had to be a bit blunt in order to get my message through. This whole time I have been nothing but honest with you, and I have tried to be sensitive, but most of all I have been trying to make you understand where I'm at. What happened to all that understanding? I'm not going to explain myself anymore. I really do wish you well. I understand that this is hard. If you ever decide you would like to be friends, do not hesitate to get in touch.''
Author Soul Bear Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 why put the ball back in my court again?!
carhill Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 Well, not to put too fine a point on it, to knock your teeth out This is done. Let it go. She's not your friend. Post in the coping forum...
Author Soul Bear Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 to knock my teeth out? Thats made me so angry. Honestly, WHY put it back in my court?!
EmperorR Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 You shouldn't have sent the letter , because now her reply has you analyzing ever word etc It's done finish, don't accept her bread crumb friendship work on yourself:)
Author Soul Bear Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 You shouldn't have sent the letter , because now her reply has you analyzing ever word etc It's done finish, don't accept her bread crumb friendship work on yourself:) Im not analyzing every word, just the part where she try's to put the ball back in my court again by saying if i ever want to be friends just get in touch... Im not seeing that as a chance we will get back together, it has just really annoyed me that she even replied, saying that it was basicly my move to be friends after i asked her to not contact me again unless she had somethiung to say!
GorillaTheater Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 Im not analyzing every word, just the part where she try's to put the ball back in my court again by saying if i ever want to be friends just get in touch... Im not seeing that as a chance we will get back together, it has just really annoyed me that she even replied, saying that it was basicly my move to be friends after i asked her to not contact me again unless she had somethiung to say! You're definitely over-analyzing this part. It's a throw-away line. It's OVER. And I understand that this is very hard to accept, which is why you need to forget about "being friends" until you are 100% healed and over her. The quickest way to get that healing is NC.
Author Soul Bear Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 You're definitely over-analyzing this part. It's a throw-away line. It's OVER. And I understand that this is very hard to accept, which is why you need to forget about "being friends" until you are 100% healed and over her. The quickest way to get that healing is NC. I do agree, i thought i was...but alas....not no avail I know she will regret it somewhere down the line....as i said in my email to her 'ill bet my soul on it'
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