karlag Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 I used to be with an abusive a hole. He is out of my life for good reasons but there is one thing about him I miss. He used to devour me. I would get dressed pretty for him and he would really appreciate it. My bf of one year is a very nice and decent guy, thats why i chose him. He treats me right but there is a big issue, has a VERY low lebedo and only wants me like once or twice a week. I like it several times a week, I wouldnt mind having sex everyday, but I feel like I have to drag him into it! Even when I take time to look good for him he just says "you look nice" most of the time I feel rejected. When i ask him about it he says thats just how he is and that there is nothing wrong with us. I'm at a loss. I want to be respected... I also need to feel desired...
Enema Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 You have incompatible sex drives. You can't (and it's wrong) to try and change him, or force him to be more like you. Move on.
TaraMaiden Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 he has a VERY low lebedo and only wants me like once or twice a week. He does not have a "VERY low libido". he has a perfectly normal libido for him.... I like it several times a week, I wouldnt mind having sex everyday, but I feel like I have to drag him into it! And this is normal for you. Though I must say, in my experience, compared to many women, you actually have a higher libido than many women! Usually, it is more the other way around. but nothing is written in stone, and this is normal for both of you. Simply because his libido does not match yours, it does not make him 'wrong'.... Even when I take time to look good for him he just says "you look nice" most of the time I feel rejected. When i ask him about it he says thats just how he is and that there is nothing wrong with us. he is correct on two counts: One, that is just the way he is. Two, there is nothing wrong with either of you. I'm at a loss. I want to be respected... I also need to feel desired... I am sure he does respect you. I am also sure he desires you. But you cannot make him switch on desire, any more than you can switch yours off.
Author karlag Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 Im not ready to give him up. I will have to be more accepting and remember why i am with him.
TaraMaiden Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 Sex is not about respect or desire. It is the cherry on the cake. my partner's desire for me does not always manifest as a sexual physical need. Sometimes, he simply wishes to hold me, show affection physically but in no way sexually. I always feel desired and respected by my partner, regardless of whether he would like sex - or whether I would like sex - or not. if you equate sex with respect and desire, then there is a possibility that you are mistaking emotional needs for sexual needs. Does your partner fulfil all your emotional and personal needs other than in bed? I don't wish you to necessarily answer this, but perhaps consider that this relationship is not bringing you everything you require, and you are mistaking the absence of this quality for a high libido..... I wish you well. _/l\_
bede86 Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 I used to be with an abusive a hole. He is out of my life for good reasons but there is one thing about him I miss. He used to devour me. I would get dressed pretty for him and he would really appreciate it. My bf of one year is a very nice and decent guy, thats why i chose him. He treats me right but there is a big issue, has a VERY low lebedo and only wants me like once or twice a week. I like it several times a week, I wouldnt mind having sex everyday, but I feel like I have to drag him into it! Even when I take time to look good for him he just says "you look nice" most of the time I feel rejected. When i ask him about it he says thats just how he is and that there is nothing wrong with us. I'm at a loss. I want to be respected... I also need to feel desired... only once or twice a week...my god with the girls i go out with im lucky if i get it once or twice...u hear about girls like u but i always thought it was a myth....
WineCountry Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 My bf of one year is a very nice and decent guy, thats why i chose him. He treats me right but there is a big issue, has a VERY low lebedo and only wants me like once or twice a week. I like it several times a week, I wouldnt mind having sex everyday, but I feel like I have to drag him into it! Even when I take time to look good for him he just says "you look nice" most of the time I feel rejected. When i ask him about it he says thats just how he is and that there is nothing wrong with us. I'm at a loss. I want to be respected... I also need to feel desired... I'm a bit curious about this one. I have to say my FIRST reaction is that something is just not "right". I say that because I have NEVER met a man that wouldn't take sex anytime he could get it. I say this from my own experiences with exes, and from listening to the male friends I have, and the men at work. The biggest complaint that seems to come from men is not getting it ENOUGH from their women. And yours only wants it just ONCE, maybe twice a week?? AND..AND..the fact that you said that you feel like you have to DRAG him into it. Drag a MAN into sex? See..low libido..okay. Hmm..maybe..... who knows. But, you feel like you have to DRAG him into it?? And there is a reason you chose to use the word "drag". That is truly how you feel, isnt it? See..part of me says that there is some underlying thing going on. What that is, I could only guess. Are you REALLY the only woman in his life? Is he truly straight? Did he get with you because he finds you "comfortable" for some reason, but has a low attraction to you? Dont be upset..im just asking..I dont know. Or..like someone said, is that just the libido that is normal for "him". See, a lot of folks, me included, aren't used to seeing that from men. We are used to the very opposite..sex fiends. LOL (jk). So, its hard "for ME" to understand how he is acting. So, my brain just automatically goes to the there-has-to-be-something-wrong mode. That doesn't mean there is something wrong. Maybe there are lots of men like that, but we just don't HEAR or KNOW about them. Though im still concerned about the "dragging him into it" thing. lol I would be interested in how this plays out if you want to keep us updated as time goes on. Maybe i will learn something.
WineCountry Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 PS..one more thing. I dont like to feel like im making this guy out to have a problem...BUT..it concerns me that you feel like you have to drag him into it. Could it be a medical issue?? Would he be willing to be checked out by a doctor in that field? I know how men are, so good luck with that. lol but I hope you get some answers if there are some needed.
carhill Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 Questions: Do you tell him, specifically, what you want? How is the out-of-bedroom, non-sexual love and affection?
spiracles Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 Could it be a medical issue?? Would he be willing to be checked out by a doctor in that field? why are we assuming it's him? maybe there is something wrong with her that makes him less than enthusiastic about having sex.
carhill Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 Yes, it might be the reverse of the stereotypical woman who merely walks into the room and her H is salivating with a boner in his pants. Psychologically, that stuff wears on a person, even if that person is a man. We're not robots with boners.
Nikki Sahagin Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 There's nothing wrong with 1 or 2 times a week. Why don't you just take matters into your own hands? I get horny about 3 times a day - my ex was much less. So when we did it we did it and if we didn't, I got him to do it for me or did it myself! Just be tolerant of another persons differences. Not everyone has a massive sex drive, and if they don't, feeling forced or pressured or told they have a 'problem' isn't going to make them feel any better about it!
gopher Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Sometimes even guys don't want to have sex if their SO is bitchy, nagging or emotionally distant until she wants sex... On the other hand..it could be depression... Truly, we guys are not all that complex.
amerikajin Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Even when I take time to look good for him he just says "you look nice" most of the time I feel rejected. When i ask him about it he says thats just how he is and that there is nothing wrong with us. But you're not being rejected in reality. You just feel that way. I think it's important for you to understand that your insecurities are what led you to be in an abusive relationship, and it's what is going to ruin your relationship with a guy who, by your accounts, treats you well. I'm at a loss. I want to be respected... I also need to feel desired... You need to deal with your insecurities. He's not the problem.
amerikajin Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 You have incompatible sex drives. You can't (and it's wrong) to try and change him, or force him to be more like you. Move on. If all couples did this, there would be no point of even thinking about a long-term relationship with anyone.
Author karlag Posted May 12, 2009 Author Posted May 12, 2009 I tell him what I want. Out of the bedroom he is very mello somewhat affectionate. His general demenor is low key, low energy, more quiet.
Author karlag Posted May 12, 2009 Author Posted May 12, 2009 Well his general demenor is mello and he is somewhat affectionate.
Author karlag Posted May 12, 2009 Author Posted May 12, 2009 But I find that somewhat hard to believe. I dont nag him, bug him, we get along just fine and to be honest, I am a desirable person. why are we assuming it's him? maybe there is something wrong with her that makes him less than enthusiastic about having sex.
Author karlag Posted May 12, 2009 Author Posted May 12, 2009 Why don't you just take matters into your own hands? I do! I just dont think i should have to do that all the time and i worry that we will have a sexless marriage.
Author karlag Posted May 12, 2009 Author Posted May 12, 2009 I understand that however I am very nice and we truly get along fine. In fact we never fight unless I am mad that he wont have sex.
Author karlag Posted May 12, 2009 Author Posted May 12, 2009 I agree! You cant just jump from limb to limb. Sex is only a part of the relationship. You can adapt to different peoples sex drives and styles if you love them.
carhill Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 When you're looking hot, tell him, when he says "gee, hon, you look nice", to grab your ass. Just tell him. I want to see the look on his face
amerikajin Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 But I find that somewhat hard to believe. I dont nag him, bug him, we get along just fine and to be honest, I am a desirable person. To be honest, I think you're letting your insecurities and ego get in the way of this relationship. Mind you, I'm not talking down to you -- I think I've probably let my ego get in the way of relationships before, and I've certainly known others who have done this as well. It's common, especially when you're relatively young and still figuring out who you are as a person. But I call it as I see it, and I think that you're the one who seems to be having hang ups in this relationship. I don't know what to tell you. Chances are, his libido is his libido. I doubt you're going to make him want to have sex with you any more than he already does, but pressuring him about might actually make him sex averse. For what it's worth, I don't think I've ever been in a relationship in which the sex was fairly balanced and the other aspects of the relationship were harmonious. I get the feeling, however, that none of this is going to matter. You're probably young and quite attractive, and you're used to being complimented on your looks. You have insecurities, though, and your lack of confidence probably make it extremely uncomfortable for you to relax in a relationship. You probably feel as though you need constant attention and compliments, and when you don't get them, you freak out on the inside, even if you don't always show it on the outside. You probably wish he would 'get it' but in his eyes there's nothing to get -- he digs you, likes having sex with you once a week and doesn't understand what the big deal is...and I doubt he ever will. Increasingly, the pressure you feel, and your inability to deal with it, will wear on the both of you until one or both of you decide its time to move on. P.S. To all the perpetually single guys who have always always thought that young sexy women are off limits, keep something in mind: in my experience, it is usually the women who doll themselves up to the max, the ones who go for broke with their looks, who are usually the most insecure.
Author karlag Posted May 12, 2009 Author Posted May 12, 2009 See..part of me says that there is some underlying thing going on. What that is, I could only guess. Are you REALLY the only woman in his life? Is he truly straight? Did he get with you because he finds you "comfortable" for some reason, but has a low attraction to you? Dont be upset..im just asking..I dont know. Or..like someone said, is that just the libido that is normal for "him". See, a lot of folks, me included, aren't used to seeing that from men. We are used to the very opposite..sex fiends. LOL (jk). So, its hard "for ME" to understand how he is acting. So, my brain just automatically goes to the there-has-to-be-something-wrong mode. I dont trust people easily. He is the first man to ever make me feel at ease and comfortable enough to fully trust. If I'm not the only woman then I need a serious reality check. If you met him (and I ask my friends and family all the time) you would not feel that he is a shady person. We are on the same train of thought. "my brain just automatically goes to the there-has-to-be-something-wrong mode" Am I wasting my time?
Author karlag Posted May 15, 2009 Author Posted May 15, 2009 :)Thank you for all the replies. The replies have been very insightful and I have put them to use. I have changed the way I view the issue. I am no longer taking it as if he is rejecting me, after all he is with me. I am no longer pressureing him and as a result he is now persuing me.:confused:Who would have thought... I hope that I am not speaking to soon about this, but I have learned enough to last a life time. Thank you.
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