scootncash Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 Since I've joined this group Ive seen so much pain and so many people with unanswered questions. I decided I would submit a post that actually goes back to several years ago when I was recovering from the worst break up I had ever experienced. It was also a blessing in disquise. The following post was posted in my myspace blog at a time when I was learning to let go and face my fears as well as the pain. My hope is that those of you going through any type of breakup will see there is light at the end and you will recover and you will live to love even more again. I hope it truly helps a lot of you. Here is my post from almost 3 years ago: Breakups are the most devastating pain in the world. The pain we suffer, the heartaches, the tears, the alcohol, the sleepless nights, the wondering, the questioning and then the most damaging, believing him when he said it was our fault. The age old question, as Casey put it, why do we as women do this to ourselves? I believe I stumbled, no not stumbled, fell into the answer after all the tears, the regrets, the anger, the hurt, the betrayl, the bitterness, the loss of human functioning, the weight loss, and the total destruction of my self esteem. I went through months of very expensive therapy. You know I never did lie on a couch, I sat on one and opened up my entire being to a person I didnt even know. I guess to a certain extent you can say a lot was learned but it wasnt my therapist that got me there to the age ole answer. It was me, lots of tear jerking movies, going thru intense emotions, a little insanity at times, countless hours of being alone, thinking and thinking, and then more thinking then crying and crying and crying, and books. Thousands of books. Barnes and Noble rolls out the red carpet when I pull up. Hell in one month I raised their stock by 10pts. You see I was involved with a man for 7 years, 8 if you count this last one where I am still currently involved but the two has become three. She entered the picture about 2 weeks before my life was totally destroyed. April 9th, 2006 to be exact. She was around on April the first, April fools day, I guess you could say that day had my name written all over it except I didnt know it yet. It just doesnt work between us anymore he said. Out of the blue, hit me like, well there arent really any words to describe it. He came by with his kids in tow just for a minute. And in my bedroom in the smallest instant my entrie life changed. I stood out in my yard watching him load the kids up and hurry off. To go drop them off at their mothers he said, and then off to be with his new love! Why do we torment ourselves you ask. Well Im here to give my own personal account, my own experience, not to tell everyone that I am beyond a shadow of a doubt absolutely correct about that answer to that age ole question but to share what the answer was for me. We do it to ourselves because, for me, Because I am hoping I'm wrong And every time he does something that tells me he is no good for me, or his actions prove he does not love me, I ignore it And every time he comes through and surprises me, he wins me over And I loose that argument with myself that he's not for me We women are such emotional creatures. We think, we feel, and most of the time our emotions control us. Our fears our doubts do our driving. We pretty much get into a negative situation and our auto pilot kicks in. Or we do something even worse. We ignore the signs and we start trying to fix our relationships because, one, we know something is amiss, two, that nagging sick feeling in our stomachs, (intution) is practically giving us a play by play answer and we ignore it. Instead of fixing the problem we make it worse. We can talk ourselves into or out of anything. We never stop to look at whats casuing the emotions, and thereby finding the solution, we just act off our emotions. Hence the famous man language, she is a psycho bitch. This I do know about breakups. I have shall we say in the last year become quite the expert on unrequited love. The walking wounded of the love world. Love can be found in all shapes and sizes. There is the perfect love, of which I dont believe anyone has found but its the kind that we grew up with. You know Cinderella and Snow White found it. So we grow up being taught that there is a prince charming and if you do and say all the right things he will come. Okay, Rome was not built in a day and everyone knows it. Of course if you build it they will come but what the Romans and us today didnt realize is you have to build the right kind to get the right kind. I truly believe that we choose to be in the relationships we're in. I know I probably made someone very mad by saying this but its true. Whether the love your in is good or bad, you choose to be there in that relationship. A breakup is in fact a relationship. It just happens to be one with yourself. And there is where the beauty lies. Its our chance, its our lesson to learn and believe me Im not talking about the lesson we lie to ourselves about. You know the one. that sorry son of a dog, he is a looser, what a liar. Its all his fault. Bull****. No it isnt. Why we do this to ourselves is a pattern that pretty much everyone is guitly of. We spend so much time in the pain and hurt and rejection of a breakup that all we can do is focus on them. They did this to us. They ruined my life. Bull**** again. We never stop to look at how we effect the relationship. We dont look at what we bring to it. know all of you who are reading this are thinking she is crazy he cheated on her. Yea he did but guess what I also contributed to that. I helped put that relationship into the spot where it made it happen. Of course he says its all my fault. I hurt him. Hurt him how? I didnt cheat, I didnt lie, I devoted my life to him, I put him on a pedistal, I did everything I could for him. Hell it was my connections that got his six figure a year business going. Sounds like the perfect woman to have right? Wrong. I started doing everything I could for him because I loved him so much I wanted to give him everything. Well I did, I gave him every bit of me and lost who I was. I stopped being the beautiful indedpendent smart woman that he wanted for a lifetime and became the woman very much like a mother. See they fall in love for us being steady, independent, intellgent, beautiful women that we are and end up hating us for that very same reason. Why you ask? Because we gave so much to them that they felt they couldnt make their own decisions, we helped them out so much that they felt smothered, they lost their freedom. And we were so busy helping our men that we no longer stood beside them. We stood over them, motherly advice, guidance. We stopped letting them do things on their own and we started doing it for them. And somewhere along that path we stopped being the women we were when we first got together. You see I lost the very things that attracted him to me in the first place. I stopped my life, put it on hold, stop visiting friends, stopped being a thinking smart woman. Instead of taking time for me, and giving him time for him, I stopped giving him a reason to miss me and gave him a reason to run from me. Men are taught early on that emotions, showing them spells trouble. They dont cry very often and some never at all. its a sign of weakness in a mans world. We can get together and talk with our girlfriends about anything. All the emotions involved with loving a man we can converse to each other with the ease of vodka slipping into a glass of tomato juice. While men get together, they may say yea im seeing her and the sex is good but thats about it. men as a whole arent able to use their friends as sound board for relationships. They just work off their gut instinct. And sometimes we have affected them in ways we had no clue of. In other words, something we think we are doing good for them sends them a signal to their gut that says, well yea i hear what she is saying but **** later on down the line that might become a really big problem. And bam, gut instinct says hey pal, she may not be the one. Its not something they can openly discuss with us. Its sort of subconscious thought. Men dont deal with emotions well and when they come along they handle them with gut instinct. Thats why a guy can leave a relationship and move on so quickly. Dont think it doesnt hurt him. If he cared for you at all it hurts. And if he loved you and maybe still does, its not his emotions that control him and say dude you love her stick with it. That emotional thought never makes it to the brain. It gets stuck in cavemen gut instinct. Sometimes men really cant see what they have in you. Commitment phobes are famous for it. He's a great guy. But when it comes to commitment time he leaves you sitting in the wake of his dust. But he loved me he said. Then he is off with the lower class ho. And you wonder why. Here is why. A man who loves you and leaves you usually runs to a lower class female. This is because he knows she is lower class, he doesnt have to be responsible to the relationship with her. He can come and go as he pleases. why, because she knows he is upper class, she knows he is security for her and her two kids in tow. He is something that she would have never won based on the type of person she is. She will never be you. She cant be you. He makes it clear sooner or later that the relationship will go no further than what it is. Sex and companionship. Its like you get the role of the wife and she gets the role of the whore. He holds you up to greater expectations, in other words you have to meet the pictures in his mind of what the right women would be. And she gets the part of someone to hang out with without the responsibilty of commitment. Most men never get past that. Their fear of "loosing their freedom" controls them. Problem is that freedom they all boast and ruin their lives with is pure illusion. Do they come back? Who knows, only he has the answer to that. The only way he will come back is if he takes responsibilty for his actions, his emotions and takes the opportunity to become a better person. And maybe somehow he decided you arent the one. Maybe he saw something greener on the other side of the fence. You know here is the thing about men. They will chase a relationship to the end of the earth. Knowing they have found the one and yet turn around and ask do you think there is anything better out there. We cant change that and we cant change men. We hang onto those men that left us. We find reasons to call them. We try to convince them we have changed. We tell them how much we love them. We tell them there is no one better out there for them. And sometimes while those emotions are on autopilot, we actually beg, and cry and plead for them to come back. And all the while that we do this, we chase that bad relationship to the bitter end, thinking we change them, prove to them, convince them, and all we do is push them further away. Why the hell would anyone want to be with a person that needy, that clingy, that soooo dependent on someone else person? I certainly wouldnt. And thats just how we appear to them. Loosing him isnt a total loss. There is a beautiful lesson there. We just have to really look at it. There is also a chance in there. That lesson, that chance, is to stop looking at him, stop praying for him to comeback, stop depending on men to define who we are. Its our chance to look at ourselves, to define our own selves, to get that self esteem back. Really think about what you contributed to the relationship, not just the good, focus on the bad. We keep bringing the same damn samsonite luggage full of crap from previous relationships right into the next. WE blame them, its so easy to say he did this, he left me, he hurt me, he ruined my life, him and that little ho, and yet we never look at what we did to help bring us to the point of no return. When we blame the other party, we take no responsiblity for our actions and we put it all on them. The walking wounded, the victims, all the way to near death, and sometimes for some poor souls, they do reach death. Heartaches are painful. Its like your shopping in the grocery store on a beautiful summer day. You run into this great guy and he says all the right things and does all the right things and he helps you find all of these precious items that you have been searching for, for all of your life. You make beautiful memories of finding each item and you place them in your basket together. You spend sometimes only months with this guy, or years with him finding those items in the grocery store. And then one day when its time to go to the check out to seal the purchase, he doesnt have the money to help meet you half way. Instead he waits for you to pay for it promising one day he'll pay his half. Then he says with the most convincing words ever to come out of his mouth that he needs to take those items and use them, and because your such a wonderful girl you let him. Then he runs out the door and throws all those precious items, the ones you searched for and finally found, and throws them on the back seat of his 2005 Siver Dodge Dually and hops in the front seat next to the lower class companion (ho) and drives off to go have fun with those items he needed back so badly from you. And there she is sitting next to him telling him how much she likes his truck. And you stand in this parking lot watching your items drive away with the man you love and his new co pilot ho. Life goes on, the people in the parking lot could care less about the tears rolling down your cheeks and death defying pain in your heart. They just want you to get the hell out of their way so they can go on about their business. Casey, grocery stores are the devil too! This was the best explantion that I ever heard. Its from the movie, the Holiday, and I highly recommend watching it. What I'm trying to say is I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache you in places you never knew you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of Chardonay you drink with your girlfriends, You still go to bed every night going over every detail, and wonder what you did wrong, Or how you could have misunderstood, and how in the hell for that brief moment you could think you were that happy, And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he will see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new and you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back, and all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade." If people want to walk out of your life let them. If someone shows you who they really are, BELIEVE them. It wont be long when they are out there chasing whatever it is their chasing, their freedom or the ho on the front seat, they will realize what they left behind. Problem is its usually too late. Use this time for you. Stop praying and begging for him to comeback. Stop thinking you NEED someone. Find some peace in your life and go work on you. Deal with those emotions your are feeling. Accept the pain, the betrayl, the hurt, the devastation. Wallow in it for a little while then get up get out of that hole and go on with your life. Believe me when you start working on you things change in your life but for the better. dont get me wrong Im still dealing with the heartache but I got positive and got out of the negative. I will come out of this a much better person than I did going into it. That samsonite luggage Ive been carrying around, well.....I ran into the ho still sitting on the front seat of silver Dodge Dually, he was of course in the grocery store shopping. Was he looking for me? Who knows. And I told her this luggage was his, a prized posession and if she really wanted that gravy train she was looking for with him that this luggage held the key. I left that luggage on the back seat of that truck and I grabbed those items I had been searching for that he left sitting there. I left that ho thinking she had won the key to his heart. I left that ho thinking she had won him from me. But what she didnt realize was that luggage was a one way ticket to heartache and hell. And that is my story, my pain. I certainly dont believe all men or women are liars and cheats. In fact I believe there are more good men and women out there than bad. And Im not saying every guy or girl leaves us for someone lower but the majority do because its so much safer and less responsibility on their part for being in a relationship. You know the old saying, why buy the cow for free... But it is our responsibility to learn whats healthy and whats not and its our responsibility to make the right choices, to learn from our mistakes, work on ourselves, and not wait on love to "find us" but to live our lives with more compassion, honor, integrity, fidelity, compassion, and respect. In doing so we live to love in a higher capacity that we never dreamed we could. God Bless, Scootncash
Ayla Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 Hello, Thank you for your post. It actually made me cry. It is nice to see someone who has been through so much hurt - be as rational as you were in the thread. It made me feel better. I am not sure if you have seen any of my posts and what I have been through. My commitment phobe broke up with me suddenly 6 weeks ago today. We had been together for just under 2 years. I am trying to be strong, and because I understand that he is a commitment phobe it makes it somewhat easier - but also makes it harder in some sense. We lived overseas, so I ahve moved back to my home country with no money, no home and no job...but I am strong and I am getting through it. I know he will regret it one day, and I know he is hiding from his actions and emotions at the moment. I have not heard from him in 5.5 weeks...and that hurts. But I can get through this - I am growing stronger everyday. Anyway - I just wanted to say thank you for your post. x
lovelinefan Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 I appreciate all of the sentiment and the description of life lessons we all need to learn a lot of it resonates with me - but I am curious, why do you assume that it is the woman feeling the emotion, and the man is detached and distant? In my situation, I was dumped, she is running away from emotions, and I am left to stew in my own world of hurt - It definitely works both ways. I am more in touch with my emotions than my ex will probably ever be, and I feel really sad about it sometimes. I don't know for sure, because we haven't been in contact, but I imagine she has lost herself in a new "love" to hide from the real issue - she won't allow herself to truly be loved, or to give unrequited true love to anyone else, and that is a sad and depressing place for anyone to be in. I guess the core message of your post is the important thing - that until we work on ourselves, and truly love ourselves, relationships will be a turbulent venture at best.
Author scootncash Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 Hi Ayla & Lovelinefan, I apologize if I made it appear that I felt only the woman was able to feel the emotion. In fact when I wrote that several years ago it was based on my particular situation at that time. Thats what I felt and saw. Its what I drew my insight from. But I do feel that some men are able to feel their emotions its just that most of the men I know, fathers, brothers, cousins, friends, boyfriends for the most part deal with the emotional factor from a gut instinct. There are some of my guy friends who like you, do feel the emotion and are not afraid of and very capable of handling emotion. From the people I know that arent able to deal with it are doing so from a learned behavior. Its either their parents or the people in their lives from an early beginning displayed this type of emotional handling if you will. Its just based on my experiences and yes I do believe men are capable its just that women everywhere seem to instinctively be the winners in that department. I am sorry for the pain your dealing with right now and its so terribly hard to stand there and be left with all the pain, sorrow, disappointments, and a hole where your heart use to be. It seems they tend to leave us to clean up the mess or bear the cross of their behaviors. Its really their problem but because we loved them we allowed it to become ours. I suspect that your ex not only cant deal with her emotions but I would be willing to bet that there is a huge fear and insecurity lying beneath the surface. Its ashame people run from their own demons. And yet wherever you go, there you are. Those fears just travel right along with you into every relationship. Kinda like the luggage I carried around for a good while. FEAR= FALSE EVIDENCE APPEARING REAL Once I learned that I was able to face my fears and restructure how I responded and identified with problems in relationships. Its amazing how many people on this earth let fear run and ruin their lives. Ayla, I have read your post and I know how genuine and real your suffering is. But I promise you that you'll make it to the other side. I know your situation is tough, espeically having to move home, have nothing, start your life over, and have no one to love you. But you are loved, you can sustain all the love you need to get through this debilitating time in your life. I promise its truly a blessing. God wont give you what you cant handle. Right now your plate is really full but it will get better. Deal with that pain an eyelash at a time. Take it in very small minute amounts. Cry over it, hate over it, whatever you have to do to deal with that pain but only for a few moments. Dont stay down there too long. Then go find something you love, or love to do whether it be art, music, dance, meditation, anything you want. When those dark moments come accept that they are there and work through them and take charge and make them go away. Dont allow this breakup to set the standard of how your willing to live. I know you'll get through this and your posts show that your already starting to move forward. Girl get out there and live. Practice happiness and find one thing to smile about each day and find one good thing to appreciate each day. Take care and let me know how your doing. I appreciate you both for responding to the thread and I'll keep you in my prayers. scootncash
Author scootncash Posted May 7, 2009 Author Posted May 7, 2009 Hi Soul Bear, Gosh I just caught up on your post. Hang in there buddy. You have such a remarkable outlook and a maturity in your situation. If you do go to counseling I promise it wont be bad. It will be in fact a way to navigate through the mess and sort your emotions and her actions as well. Although we cant always understand why, and that alone is enough to drive some people over the edge, the fact remains that you have to move, you have to live. I will continue to keep you in my prayers and I have a wonderful feeling that soon we will see a complete change in your outlook. Your at the hardest part at this very moment. It will begin to ease. I hear a lot of people say they got "over someone". I happen the believe for those of us who work thru it and start putting ourselves first, that we dont " get over them" we simply stand up and get through it. Good Luck & God Bless Scootncash
LadyV Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 Scootncash, Wow...I bookmarked your post so I can go back to it...and if need be, read it over and over again!!!!! My relationship with my XBF was only 5 months long, but still, the emotional turmoil it put me through was just overwhelming. I see patterns though, not just in my recent relationship, but in my marriage, as well as my very first boyfriend. The patterns that were established early on, just came along for the ride, compounded by life's issues; work, money, kids. I find myself just thinking about this recent situation and I try very hard to put myself on the outside...even shift the focus from HIM to ME.... It is always about HIM...What is wrong with him...why can't our love fix him, why can't he change for me??? I even go withe the mindset that if you love someone you will change for them....I could see myself starting to do the same thing...He didn't like my friends. He didn't like the fact that I was the go-to person when a friend was in trouble. I am caring by nature and want to be there for my friends, as well as my family. I realize that sometimes, I just need to worry about he...and that is what I am now trying to do...I am really careful who I talk to about htis situation, and as well as who I offer advice too, only because of the fact that I am trying to work on myself. He didn't like things I did, the way I acted, and I would walk around on egg shells scared I may set him off, and I did, on several occations. I was willing to change me, and you know what??? I should have to change the good qualities of myself to please him!!! He should have just accepted me for who I was....It's his loss..... I am on a path to self discovery. I have only been seperated from my XH for almost 2 years. This XBF cam into the picture only 9 months after the finalization of my divorce. I thought I was ready, but I know I was not.... Borders is holding a copy of "10 Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives" and I am going to read it...I believe it was on one of your posts that you suggessted Dr. Laura. I am tired of putting myself 2nd...I need to be first...and my kids need to be first as well!!! I've been wollowing in self pity for days now...It's about time I get out of it...after all, life doesn't stop. So what if he is seeing someone else...so what if he loves me....I care enough about me to know I deserve so much more...but first, the focus is on me and my family!!! Thank you again, I love reading your posts...the support I have gotten here, as well has been outstanding....I am so glad I found this site!!! God Bless, ~LadyV~
Nikki Sahagin Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 Thankyou for writing this. Its got a lot of painful and very real lessons in it. I lost myself in the relationship, I let it consume me. He came before everything. I think we all need to learn to swim in love, you still need to look up at the sky and the shore. You can't drown in it.
Author scootncash Posted May 8, 2009 Author Posted May 8, 2009 Thanks Lady V & Nikki I appreciate your responses. Just being able to get it out there and let people see some of your personal pain is more than well worth helping someone to see their not alone as well as helping people to realize when a relationship goes wrong, its not just the other party's fault. We contribute to the problem just as much. The problem with breakups is most people see it as the problem. Its not, its a symptom of the problem. Something not working in the relationship brought it to that point. I certainly dont condone getting up and saying "its all my fault" even though a lot of people who do the breaking up really try to manipulate us into feeling that simply because they need someone else to shift the blame too. Lady V get another book that I believe is suited for you. While Dr. Laura points out the issues and stupid behaviors we have, the other book deals more with how to handle the emotions, whats behind them, and what to do to fix them. Its what I would call more in depth on the emotional side. Its called Love Must Be Tough, by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Thompson. Excellent for your heart and most excellent for how to heal through the process of learning what bad relationship behaviors every party brings to the relationship. I completely understand where your at and you are to be commended for starting this incredible journey of self discovery. You would be surprised at how many people cannot see their own patterns that help contribute to a relationship not working and how they keep bringing the same baggage, creating the same problems, to a relationship time and time again. With still expecting a better result each time. You have an amazing outlook on your situation and I am so happy for you. Your right, it doesnt matter about him, who he is with, or anything about him. The focus is YOU and YOU are starting to put YOU first. Lady V I promise you as you go through this journey you are going to be amazed at just how strong and compelling you are. You will reach a day when you will love living your life for you. Your children will be the biggest benefactors of your journey. You are bright, loving, kind, and worthy worthy worthy of a higer love and I believe that you will reach it! The thing about wanting to change someone is self destructive. We see these red flags and we choose to ignore them because we think our love can change someone. If he really loves me or If I love him enough things will get better. No, it wont. Very destructive behavior and when it doesnt change we fell bad about ourselves and we blame ourselves, and we begin to exist in a relationship that creates misery yet, we are not willing to except that so we go on staying in that relationship because we LOVE them. Thats not love, thats desperate attachment. Anytime a person stays in a situation like that the only person who has changed is the one wanting all the changes. I know how incredibly hard it is to take the focus off him. Been there done that got the picture and signed the autographs. I was a complete superstar in that department. I thank God everyday he gave me what I needed most to make this magnificent change. Its courage. Courage to look at the relationship and see the unhealthy parts, courage to stop letting others define my life and who I am. Courage to change myself and learn better patterns and behaviors to attract a good love into my life. I had an incredible moment last night. The ex of 8 years showed up at the arena where I practice barrel racing. He looked at my new horse, we talked about things we want to do. He's excited that Im finally starting my own business. It was amazing the bond that exists between us as friends. He's been keeping in touch but i keep it plutonic. But the amazing thing was that when I looked at him and our eyes locked quite a few times, I knew I would always love him in a certain capacity, but you know I didnt care. I smiled because I was happy. I had power. Power to control my life, my emotions. It didnt kill me to be around him. It wasnt an upper hand thing or a power trip over him. It was simply the power to make my ownself happy regardless to who Im around. The power of knowing who I am and the ability to not fall into the old trap of seeing someone you love and start bringing up our past relationship, questions about the girl he's still with. It was really like talking with an old friend. When it was all said and done he called me later to make sure I got myself and my horse home alright and then proceeded to tell me that he was bringing the horse we raised together to the arena next week, and a few of our friends to all go riding together. Thats fine with me because I enjoy his friendship and I know Im in a place where Im safe. So you see, three years ago I couldnt have done that. I was weak, pushy, scared, always wanting to talk about him cheating, the new gf, you name it. Now I know Im a much better woman, stronger, smarter, and the gift to except only a specific kind of love. One he isnt able to give and Im happy regardless! I wish you much success and if you need me you can certainly contact me anytime here on on my personal email. Let me know Lady V if you need anything or even just a friend when the road ahead gets stormy! All my best! Scootncash
LadyV Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 Scootncash, You are an amazing woman who has been on an amazing journey. You give hope and inspiration....I want to say Thank you for sharing that with all of us here.... The more I ponder life and my current situation, I realize, not only is it about my XBF, but about my XH and my relationship with him as well. You mention changed. I changed within my marriage to keep it together....But in the end, I lost myself. Once my marriage ended, I was beginning my journey to figure out who I was....then, my XBF came into the picture, when I least expected it. I was cautious. I didn't want to be in a relationship. I was hesitant, and I KNEW that I was not looking for anything serious. Before I knew it though, I became consumed; once again. I was willing to change who I was, and questioning myself and my ability to change for him. The things he said that he loved about me, quickly became an annoyance. I began to walk around on eggshells out of fear that he would break up with me because I said something wrong to start a fight. Uh, HELLO!!!! WAKE UP LADYV!!! RED FLAG!!!!! If someone is making me feel like I can't be myself, then they aren't worth being with!!! Right? He didn't like any of my friends. He didn't like the fact that I was the "go to" person and my friends would come to me for advice or talk about what is going on. He accused me of gossiping as well as opening doors that shouldn't be opened...A very good friend of mine and my XH is currently going through a divorce. He had called me from Iraq just needing someone to listen. My XBF threated to break up with me because I was opening the door to emotional infideltiy, which could then lead to more. He told me he didn't want me talking to him, as well didn't want to hear anything about my friends and their problems because it pisses him off..... I am going to pick up the book you recommended....I just want to heal and work on me, and get him and her out of my head!!! So many reminders everywhere him and I...I am allowing myself to greive and hurt. It helps that I have closed down my email, blocked him on FB as well as blocked his phone number. I know there is no way of him to get a hold of me unless he shows up at my house, which I know he won't....I am avoiding her FB because she has is plastered all over how he is awesome, amazing, and BLAH BLAH BLAH. When I saw that, that was true conformation that I needed.... I have turned my eyes on God too....Allowing him to heal me. I can't do it alone. I have been trying to heal the wounds of my divorce, on my own...starting my relationship with my XBF just re-opened wounds that were never healed. I am making a pact with myself. I am not going to date for at least a year. My counselor also recommended it as well because he wants me to work on me and my relationship with my children. That is exactly what I am going to do... I am going to return to church, this Sunday... I know that all healing and change take time...I made the choice to go NC, I did all the blocking...that is the first step to MY healing. I am dealing with these issues within me...learning, discovering myself...It is going to be a long journey, but one well worth the travel...thank you again for the encouragement....It is wonderful how far you come, and to even see him and it not hurt. My XBF and I were only together 5 months, and don't have any attachments or reasons to keep in touch so I don't see him as part of my future at all...not even as friends, but who knows what will happen. Now, my XH and I, we do get a long...we have to because we have 2 children together...It has been almost 2 years, and I can say that I am over him. He has a girlfriend and it doesn't bother me one bit to be around them both...But, still remains who I was within that marriage, and how I lost who I was, and how I was willing to lose myself again in this relationship of 5 months..... I can't tell you how much it helps to come to this site. I read so many posts, people like me, going through the emotions of a breakup. It helps to read the stories as well and the advice given....Thank you again!!!
Author scootncash Posted May 8, 2009 Author Posted May 8, 2009 Hey LV Thanks! your right, its not about any of them but is about how you've chosen a pattern of behavior in your relationship that leads to these types of people. Its a pattern thats hard to recognize and most never even know it. Its hard to get "them" out of your head. Your mind gives you the beautfiully sickening images in your head. I know all about it. You cant even go to the grocery store without that sickening feeling and seeing something while shopping to remind you of them. My "illusive visions" seem to haunt me wherever I went and it didnt help that she was harrassing my co-workers when they went to their dentist for dental care. She worked there and seemed to fill up on over kill with random ramblings about how she was dating my man now and he was happier with her and blah blah blah. Very immature for a 28 y/o. I confronted her nicely and advised she leave my co-workers out of her mess and that she was more than welcome to tell me everything she hated about me, but it didnt change the fact that I was and had been a very big part of his life. It stopped. So yes, I know where you are. It took me about a year before I really started getting a handle on things. It takes different amounts for different people. The thing is about people like his new gf and my ex's new gf, and all others who are dealing with the "new one", they all have one thing in common. They themselves are so caught up in I got him, or I got her that they dont even allow themselves the opportunity to really look at that person for who they are. In time they too will pay heavy prices but it will be far worse than our fates. So dont worry about him and her. They make it look good for the public but trust me issues are lying just beneath the surface and karma comes back threefold. So just live for you and your children. You'll reach a point when you can look at her FB and laugh, or you'll see him or hear from him and you will jump for joy at how much you've grown and what a gift you are for someone who deserves you! The thing is when I wrote that post it referred to my situation but I know both women and men suffer this same fate. We are destined to love, to lose, but then to gain even more. Its just up to us. God, a wonderful healer, a wonderful friend. He will only give you what you can handle. He will also be there when you think no one else is. I think he above all gives us the reason and drive to be more compassionate, incredible healing, and a level reaching the lives we truly wish and inspire to lead. I'll be praying for you! But I dont think you really need it. Your there more than you think! Scootncash
LadyV Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 Thank you so much!!! I am trying...I really am. I just want to get through this and put it all behind me, improve myself and focus on my children. I was trying to google that book, the only one I come up with is Dr. James Dobson....I googled Dr. Cloud and came across other books, mainly the Boundaries books which are all excellent reads! Is that the book that you meant??? Tomorrow I fly back to my where I live...I've been home visiting because of an emergency. I wish I could just stay here, but running away from my problems, and not facing them, will not make them go away. I guess I fear running into him, and her, but as long as I don't know, then I am okay. I hate how much this is affecting me, but I truely believe that I HAD to go through this in order to grow!!! No regrets about it, just lessons learned. I will be very cautious what I do, as far as places we would frequent...Untill I am ready. Time heals... I just want it to heal right NOW!! But this is my time to learn more...and become stronger!!!
Author scootncash Posted May 8, 2009 Author Posted May 8, 2009 oops yes thats it. I lent it to my sister so I didnt have it here. Yes cloud has one called boundries in dating and your right i mixed them up. Yes its an excellent read as well. I know its easy to get caught up in wanting to run away and not deal with the pain and the memories but you'll be fine. Oh my friend how you are already growing and yes stronger. Keep moving Keep pushing FORWARD!!! I am so proud of you. You have an incredible handle on the situation. You are very keen on whats going on and how to handle it. Hope you have a safe flight home! scootncash
LadyV Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 I don't think that she knows anything about me...This I am sure of...I am not sure if any of his friends know about her, but they will find out I'm sure. I am still friends with some of his friends....they all think he is stupid and I am better off...lol. But yes, it is his loss. I am sure, that in time, like you said, Karma! If anything I don't see her freaking out, but him...same issues are still there. Fear, lack of committment, he can't change simply by being with someone else. A friend told me, "He is probably seeing her so he can get over you." Whatever...let him. I'm much better off withough him in my life and finally see that...It feels good to know I won't be waiting around for him to contact. I won't have to worry how he is going to be tword me. I won't have to worry about the day when he says "We can't be friends anymore" Because I was the one who put a stop to it. Before it got to that point.... Everything you say Scootncash is really so helpful. Your words really are comforting...At a time like this, where I feel I will never get to that point, I read what you have to say and realize that YES, I will get there!!! Thank you so very much for sharing with me and all of us here!!!
missy555 Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 This is awesome Scootncash I am currently started intense therapy and it is amazing to know that all the answers are already within us...it just SO difficult when its not what you want to hear or believe. I am currently separated from a 4 year relationship that has ended in major domestic violence. I am starting to become aware of the reoccurring patterns that have kept me in these awful situations... how my tolerance, understanding, and and illusion of being helpful has actually now placed me in harms way. I am a bit afraid of becoming cynical but I guess I first need to know that I can nurture myself and that everything else will fall into place. Currently I am trying to reprogram myself and not fall into the usual trap of wanting to know how he is doing and if he is okay. (he has become very depressed for the hurt he has caused me) This site and your words literally stopped me from crying and calling him. So thank you again from the bottom of my spirit. Gotta just take it one day at time.
Author scootncash Posted May 9, 2009 Author Posted May 9, 2009 HI Missy555 Its always wonderful to hear that someone is taking a gigantic step toward healing themselves and making changes that will alter your life for the rest of your life. Therapy was a tremendous help for me. Not so much because of the therapist but because she allowed me to figure the answers out. She never once said I think you should do this or I think you should do that. She would softly suggest that I take another look at a particular issue and work it out. But your very right, the answers are within ourselves. It just sometimes we get so set in how we handle life that we need a little push to make that change. I am so very sorry your past relationship has ended in such a traumatic way. Its good though that you recognize and even better that you now have help. The problem for most people is that they cant or they refuse to see and face and except the things that are wrong. Its difficult to get past our normal behaviors. We do begin to pattern throughout our unhealthy relationships. Often times the pattern goes unnoticed and we end up making the same mistakes over and over. I've come to believe that we keep doing this simply because when one relationship comes crashing down we dont take the time we really need to look at what went wrong with both people. Dont worry about becoming cynical. I havent at all. If anyting my entire outlook has changed. I can spot unhealthy behavior quickly. When I do I take serious note of it. If a person starts to behave or act in a manner that sends a red flag up I immediately start analyzing it. I have to now in order to stay healthy. I no longer make excuses for the behavior. I will tell that person the particular thing thats bothering me. I work very hard at trying not to put someone on the defensive. I just simply say that I feel this particular thing your doing here I dont agree with, or it hurts me, or whatever the case may be. Then I say that has to change and if it doesnt well then we cant progress any further. Its called a boundry. Boundries are made to protect us. The problem with people is we set boundries but we let people cross them all the time in the name of love. Then we want to blame them completely for the problem. But we contributed to it. I think you already realize the boundries you let your partner cross. Of course his recent behavior is not exceptable in any type of relationship. Its downright dangerous for you. It breaks down, you become manipulated, and your self is lost. Thats fine that he feels hurt for what he's done but it doesnt excuse it and he certainly hasnt done anything to change it. He needs help of a different sort. I hope he does the right thing and gets some help. This violence is the most destructive pattern, and it often can lead to more drastic uncontrolled behavior such as death. You have let his problem be your problem for long enough. Let him handle his life. You only need to be worried about you. Its a tough road and I know exactly where your coming from. But I also know you can make it through. Your self esteem has been damaged and your heart as well. Take this time to heal you and build yourself back to an even better person. Self esteem can only be gained by the "self", otherwise it would have been called otheresteem. No one else can do it for you but everyone else can tear it down if you allow it. I tell everyone here going through this to take it one eyelash at a time. Edgar Casey was the man who orginated that quote and when I heard it, it stuck. But its very true. Dont try to handle the whole relationship, the whole breakup, the pain, the shock, the betrayl all at one time. Just take it an eyelash at a time. Thats a very tiny thing but it has great healing power and it gives you breathing room to step out that comfort zone and taking a chance on you! The people here on this forum are very helpful and have a way of taking away that feeling that you are the only person in the world who is hurting. We are here for you and I wish you immense success. Thank you, Scootncash
kizik Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 Scoot, your advice and articulate words have been invaluable. Every now and then, someone joins the site that really impresses me, and that would be you. I agree with what you said about having a much better "red-flag-o-meter". I no longer tolerate unhealthy treatment, and like you, I am careful to not put the person I am confronting on the defensive. Breakups are a necessary part of life. If you keep your eyes and heart open, you learn about life. Also, the longer one stays single, the better he can become comfortable in his own skin.
Author scootncash Posted May 11, 2009 Author Posted May 11, 2009 Kizik, Thank you so much for your kind words. I didnt set out to impress anyone and it was such a gift to hear that I did. My whole purpose for joining was to shed some experience, help those that wanted advice, and mostly to never stop learning. Ive learned so much from people here already and I think had I knew about this site 3 years ago it would have helped me tremendously by knowing that others suffered just as i did. But your absolutely right. You have to be comfortable in your own skin and simply because you cant wear anyone else's. I've met some wonderful poster's and most are amazing. It's quite an experience and one I hope to continually contribute to! Thanks again Scootncash
Lishy Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Unbelievable Scoot! What a thread! Note to Mods .... Pin this thread!!!!!!!
Author scootncash Posted May 11, 2009 Author Posted May 11, 2009 Hi Lishy! Thanks for your kind words. I am completely at a loss for words for the reactions I've had from people here. All I wanted to do was at least try to help one person have a tiny shimmer of hope, the good kind, that there is another day and a better life. I dont know what or who MODS are but Im guessing pin the post doesnt mean a bad thing. Im very new to this site but not new at all to putting my thoughts to pen, or should I say keyboard. thanks again I appreciate it very much!
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