kizik Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 Hi everyone, today marks one year after the break-up, and I wanted to drop by and share my experiences and learning. When someone breaks up with us, it's an incredibly personal and painful thing. It feels like a rejection of us, a statement that we are worth nothing or that something is wrong with us. Chances are, though, that the dumper has been distancing us for a long time, and we've been too dumb and blinded by love to see it. We make excuses for their behavior. We allow ourselves to be treated like sh*t. We tolerate abhorrent behavior because we are scared. Scared of someone not loving us. Scared of being alone again. Alone forever. Scared of what people will think of us. What will his/her friends think about me now? [A lot of us plead and beg. I didn't. Some people say that if you leave someone alone, it makes them "want" you. Well, my ex has to this day never contacted me once since the break-up. Don't believe a lot of what they say on this board.] We are depressed. Every normal interaction is tinged and twisted by the event that just totally f*cked up our life. He/she is always in the back of our head. Then we decide, I'm going to take charge. I'm going to work out, play music, write, play sports, hang out with my friends, and be happy. I am going to be f*cking happy without him/her. When that happens, our lives change. We become a new person. We're not dependent on the ex to make us happy. Our own interests, hobbies, passions, loves make us happy. Life makes us happy. But we know that even with those passions, it still hurts. We think about him/her every day. We wonder if they think of us. We dream about them. Still. Time goes on, and our love for life increases and broadens and becomes fulfilling. We meet new friends. The ex is a toothache that doesn't flare up too often anymore. But we'll always remember them and the lessons we learned from the person we once loved.
era Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 But we'll always remember them and the lessons we learned from the person we once loved. Not always...right now I can't even remember the color of his eyes.
Author kizik Posted May 5, 2009 Author Posted May 5, 2009 That's a good thing. I hope, though, you can glean some hope from my experiences.
vessv6l Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 Yea i doubt my ex will contact me Have you found someone else?
Nikki Sahagin Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 Part of me wants to forget, because the memories are painful; that bittersweet thing that kind of feels like a knife twisting in your guy. But part of me doesn't want to forget, because they are the memories of my life, because he was special and beautiful to me. I don't know if I want to forget or remember - I don't know which is more tragic.
EmperorR Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 Excellent post kizik, my ex fiancé has also not contacted me and it's been 9 months nc, but such is life and I could care less. And I know exactly the feelings you are describing the being alone etc. I feel that way right now that I'll be Loje forever even though I know I won't, funny how the mind works
RecordProducer Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 Excellent post, Kizik. Very gentle and honest. I like your point - that time heals the wounds. It's true. Another big love may do the job as well, but most of us aren't lucky enough to meet the prince(ss) two weeks after a major breakup. :eek: Still. Time goes on, and our love for life increases and broadens and becomes fulfilling. We meet new friends. The ex is a toothache that doesn't flare up too often anymore. This has been my previous experience: time works wonders. It took two years the last time, but it was my first marriage with two toddlers - many dreams were broken and I was left in a very bad position in many aspects. Yet, I got over. I will this time, too. This too shall pass. The pain just can'ty last forever. Not always...right now I can't even remember the color of his eyes.Kizik didn't say we remember the color of their eyes. He said we remember THEM. Apparently you remember WHOSE eyes you don't remember?
Biggie25x Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 What a great post and inspiration to us all for moving on with our life. As much as we/you hurt right now it can't and won't last forever. I can attest if you keep busy it does get better.
Author kizik Posted May 5, 2009 Author Posted May 5, 2009 Have you found someone else? Hi there, nope, I have not found anyone else. I tried to at first, and then realized it was hurting my self-esteem. As time wore on, I realized I don't need anyone to love me to feel good about myself. That's the big lesson - taking your self-worth out of someone else's hands.
Peter_pan Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 i wont forget mine. blonde hair blue eyes slim nice smile. pretty hard to erase from the memory.
LikeCharlotte Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 This thread was what we learned back in June: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=158367 I don't know that I have learned much more over this year. *raises a glass to Kiz* I thought about writing a similar post but I could not bring myself to do it. I don't want to think about him and so I don't. Writing it would have required those thoughts and somehow I just can't bring myself back there even if I try. It's like a knee-jerk reaction to pain but from my mind or maybe my heart. I'm not sure. I do know that I got through it and that I am no better or worse for it. I tried and when it didn't work out I got up, brushed off and tried again. We all deserve love - everyone- and it couldn't be simpler than that. Yet, somehow it seems to elude us so often. For those in those first few horrible days, weeks, months... hang on. Heartbreak is awful but it will pass.
Author kizik Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 This thread was what we learned back in June: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=158367 Ah, the good old days... or should I say, the f*cking awful, painful suicidal bad old days. Thanks for posting that re-link, LC. I'm sorry to hear it's still that hard for you. Just know you got a friend right here -Josh
iBelieve In Symmetry Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 not always...right now i can't even remember the color of his eyes. i hope to god i reach this someday!
joemax Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 What do you learn when you're the one who initiates the breakup? I feel absolutely depressed. I didn't wana end it, but at the same time felt like I had to. I feel nothing.
Ronni_W Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 I didn't wana end it, but at the same time felt like I had to. Joe, you wouldn't have done it if you didn't WANT to do it, so that is just a bit of crap that you're telling yourself. No biggie...you have caught it in time. If your REALLY prefer to stay where you are, then make a decision to stay there. You do have to take responsibility for your OWN decisions and actions. Move forward or go back...it is up to YOU, and you alone. YOU have ALL the power about this.
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