confuzed25 Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 to make a long story short my ex and i were together for a month...everything was going GREAT. he seemed so happy to have found me, was always saying cute things about how much he liked me and couldnt believe how perfect i was. well one night we were out for dinner and drinks...he showed me some pictures a friend sent him through text message and i was scrolling through them and there was also a text message to his ex girlfriend that said he would make sure I wasnt at his softball game this weekend so she could be there and he couldnt wait to see her in the stands again cheering him on. i waited until we got back to his house and i let him have it. we got into a big fight, he kept saying i was the only one he wanted to be with and i told him he was full of crap, i have heard all this before from other guys. he ended up sleeping on the couch and i slept in his bed instead of going home only because i had had quite a bit to drink at the restaurant. the next morning he gets ready for work and right before he leaves he crawls across the bed and kisses me on the forehead. i said "bye." and that was the last i have heard from him. i have nooo idea what to think about this, what hes feeling, if he cares at all or if he ever cared. the weird thing is his mom emailed me yesterday saying he has no idea shes emailing me but he really likes me and is being stubborn and wont contact me because he thinks i dont care at all. she told me i should call or text him so we could try again. she said she thinks it was all a misunderstanding and he would never cheat on me or anything and hes not a player. he has been updating his myspace everyday and at first i could tell he was trying to make me jealous because his status would say stuff like "just got home from going out, cant wait to go out again all night tomorrow" and then his mood would say cheerful or something. he never wrote stupid stuff like that before on his myspace so i know he just wanted me to see it. then yesterday it said "dont know if i did the right thing." and his mood said confused. so i figured good, hes regretting what he did. but then tonight he updated it to say "sleep" and his mood was "happy" and he put a big smiley face. so i dont know what to think. is he really happy? or does he just want me to see it and think he doesnt care? any opinions? am i ever going to hear from him again?
boogieboy Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 He's a smart guy, he knows how to play the game. He's not contacting you and it's driving you nuts. Sounds to me like if you want to save this, since you broke it off, you better make a move. But then again, you might be competing with his ex. Do you really wanna go there?
Author confuzed25 Posted May 5, 2009 Author Posted May 5, 2009 so i have to make the move??? im not the one who did anything wrong. from what his mom said he is not contacting me because he doesnt think i care at all that we broke up
Island Girl Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 I wouldn't make a move at all. If he can't man up and apologize then there is nothing I'd want to say to him. I like men not boys. That goes double since "mommy" e-mailed for him. And since he posted on MySpace that he "thinks he made a mistake" - clearly he knows HE screwed up. Either he makes it right and does the contacting or it ends. At this point you aren't losing much. Don't do the contacting to try and get an apology. It just says doormat and sucker. Even if you get the words you want he got the actions - so his ego boost will be stronger. And you'll be the weaker for it in the relationship.
D-Lish Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 How old is he, 12? He did make a big mistake by texting his ex. He's actually lucky you didn't walk away from him for good after finding that text. Honestly, I don't know how you could settle into trusting him again after knowing he sent that text to her. I would not be the one to make contact. Assumung he's an adult, he should be the one contacting you to apologize.
vessv6l Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 My opinion will differ from most other posters so far. Should you make contact? Why not, what have you got to lose? I bet you he is embarrased that he has made a mistake, he is ashamed of how he has behaved, perhaps he doesnt think you would have forgiven him after the fight, maybe he thinks you were going to walk away the next morning anyway. Him putting those bull**** "i think ive made a mistake" updates is him trying to reach out hoping you will contact him. And what do you know about his ex? what terms are they on now? Perhaps they had a mutal parting and are friends? How do you know what he said in that text is what he felt, perhaps he feels pressured to his ex to keep things friendly. It could be anything, it could be nothing. You need to communicate with him to discuss it. He did not try to hide anything from you by showing you his phone. Trust him again? what has he done to deceive you? He sent a text to his ex, about having her watch a game he plays at that you arnt going to attend. You didnt say he tried to hide them from you, in fact that he let you go through his phone to browse what ever it was without a concern you may find something compromising tells me he doesnt view it as a compromising text. Why? Because it might have meant **** all to him, he might not have even meant what he was saying. As for his "mommy" contacting you, what does it matter who it was? Would you opinion change it if was his best mate island girl? The point is that someone in his life, who he obviously communicates his feelings too has contacted you telling you that you should contact him. And what about the fight you had. How did it start? did you bring it up in a calm manner and he got defensive and it exploded? Or did you demand in an agressive tone to know the truth behind the text only to have him reflect the same emotion you were directing at him? Perhaps he felt intimidated by your response to the text, maybe he isnt confrontational and became withdrawn because situation. All the advice you read on this forum make sure you take it as just that, someone elses opinion on your situation that they know very little about. At the end of the day you are the best person to make the most informed decision on what is the best thing for you. If i were you i would send him a text asking if he wants to talk. Id skip the cute crap like how are you etc. Get straight to the point. If you get a chance to speak with him i would approach it with only the intention of telling how you feel, how you felt on the night and how him leaving made you feel. Dont expect him to come forward and appologise, but ask him how he feels and how he felt. If i were him and you told me that i had hurt you that night and the following weeks i would do my utmost to say sorry and show you i meant it. If he is indifferent then you know he might not care. Good luck, hope it works out for the best
Island Girl Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 As for his "mommy" contacting you, what does it matter who it was? Would you opinion change it if was his best mate island girl? The point is that someone in his life, who he obviously communicates his feelings too has contacted you telling you that you should contact him. If this is supposed to be a question - if my opinion would be different if it was his best mate that did the contacting - NO it wouldn't change my opinion. He is a big boy. He can speak for himself. If he can't do that much then having a worthwhile relationship with him would be pointless, a lot of work, and doomed from the start.
vessv6l Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 Just reread your post about you letting him have it and him telling you you were the only one but you saying you were full of crap? Any one would get defensive from that, you included. And if you want something in life you need to reach for it and grab it. If you want him back initiate contact and take it from there. If you dont want him back, do nothing.
boogieboy Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 He is a big boy. He can speak for himself. I agree, not only that but if his mom is jumpin in your biznezz now, what else will she intefere with on his behalf in the future? If he's innocent, I don't see why he isnt calling you trying to explain the "text to his ex". Ill say it again: He's a smart guy, he knows how to play the game. He's not contacting you and it's driving you nuts. If you want to save this, since you broke it off, you better make a move. But then again, you might be competing with his ex. Better find out what happened if you want to continue. How long you gonna wait for him to call? How bad do you really want to save this?
Cherished Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 He was making sure you weren't at a softball game because he was inviting his ex, who he couldn't wait to see cheering him on in the stands. Clearly he is still into her and not into you. If it was all innocent, he wouldn't make sure you would not be at the softball game. He is an asshat.
vessv6l Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 If this is supposed to be a question - if my opinion would be different if it was his best mate that did the contacting - NO it wouldn't change my opinion. He is a big boy. He can speak for himself. If he can't do that much then having a worthwhile relationship with him would be pointless, a lot of work, and doomed from the start. Yes im sure he can speak for him self given the chance. We dont know what he is thinking, we can only guess from the information we have been presented. I could assume he is a boy and not a man like you but perhaps the truth is he thinks he wouldnt get a response if he made contact. So someone who would know him very well has tried to make an effort on his part because he is too worried to do so. If you told his mum to get nicked i doubt she would be heart broken. How old is he btw? I dont think thats been established yet. Lets assume he is early 20's. How many long term relationships has he had before? Any relationship will be alot of work at times, show me one that doesnt have a moment where both people need to really make an effort to keep it on track. OP you can forget about all this and move on with your life, but im going to assume that you posted here because you dont want to, you would rather mend what problems you are facing. What does it matter who contacts who first if the end result is the same?
Island Girl Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 What does it matter who contacts who first if the end result is the same? Sorry. But who contacts first very much changes the end result. It is not so much about having a relationship just for the sake of having one is it? It is more about having a respectful relationship where one feels they can trust the other when it comes to their heart AND full disclosure. He has failed these things so far.
vessv6l Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 Sorry. But who contacts first very much changes the end result. It is not so much about having a relationship just for the sake of having one is it? It is more about having a respectful relationship where one feels they can trust the other when it comes to their heart AND full disclosure. He has failed these things so far. The point im trying to convey is we dont know his history. The OP has had trust issues in the past with previous bf's hence her reaction to the text message. He may have endured heart breaks before that has caused him to withdraw. He probably thinks you wont speak to him if he contacts you. But we dont know. A relationship for the sake of one wont last long Im not convinced who contacts who first matters to the end result if both people are honest with each other in the reconcilliation and both want the same thing. If this is a test of wills as to who will break first then i dont think theres much point in trying to salvage it. But i dont think this is the situation at hand, i also dont think this situation is as black and white as it may first appear. But this is my opinion, OP should make her own decisions
Author confuzed25 Posted May 5, 2009 Author Posted May 5, 2009 He and I are both 23. The ex that he was texting was his girlfriend for 6 years...they broke up a year ago. In the email his mom sent me she said she absolutely hated that girl (i think she might have cheated on him.) His mom also said that he has been hurt before. I dont know, I think I have too much pride to contact him first. I would feel pathetic...hes the one that messed up and I feel like if I contacted him I would seem weak and desperate.
Island Girl Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 I would feel pathetic...hes the one that messed up and I feel like if I contacted him I would seem weak and desperate. I would see it the same way. It's as if you are "begging" him for an apology or "I'm still here and now you should apologize." He should be the one contacting. He should be the one to apologize. He already posted he thinks he made a mistake - so he knows he did something wrong. This ex is showing up and cheering for him at his games. WTF? She cheated on him and they are over but she is still showing up and he is happy to see her in the stands? To me, when someone treats you like crap like that they should be out of a persons life. That speaks to his problems of letting go of her for whatever reason.
Author confuzed25 Posted May 5, 2009 Author Posted May 5, 2009 yea i really wish i knew what he was thinking when he wrote that text to her...like maybe he was just saying that so she would continue to show him attention because it was an ego booster for him. it still definitely does not make it right, but i know it makes me feel good when an ex that dumped me comes back and shows me attention even if i have no interest in getting back together with them. i really wish i knew what he was thinking now too...his mom said in the email that she thinks he is waiting for me to contact him to show that i really did like him. he thinks that i dont care at all that we broke up and hes scared of rejection if he contacts me. i just know that i am sick of games and i am not contacting him. it is just hard waiting to see if he is going to contact me. i dont know if he is being stubborn or really just doesnt care...
vessv6l Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 yea i really wish i knew what he was thinking when he wrote that text to her...like maybe he was just saying that so she would continue to show him attention because it was an ego booster for him. it still definitely does not make it right, but i know it makes me feel good when an ex that dumped me comes back and shows me attention even if i have no interest in getting back together with them. i really wish i knew what he was thinking now too...his mom said in the email that she thinks he is waiting for me to contact him to show that i really did like him. he thinks that i dont care at all that we broke up and hes scared of rejection if he contacts me. i just know that i am sick of games and i am not contacting him. it is just hard waiting to see if he is going to contact me. i dont know if he is being stubborn or really just doesnt care... He's not going to contact you. Its not a game to him, hes scared you will tell him to get ****ed. He thinks this will happen and so wont bother putting him self in that situation. Its simple survival mentality. You are in a better position because you know he does have feelings for you. If someone from your camp rang him and told him to contact you as you have feelings for him im sure he would then. But at the moment he is certain he will get shot down and is trying to spare himself from pain. I know alot of people wont agree with me here but its a matter of Your Pride vs Relationship Potential Others will argue that its not you responsibility to ring, he ****ed up etc. Thats all well and good and may be true to a certain degree but i think you might be waiting for something that doesnt happen for the reasons mentioned above. Ok now your in charge of your happiness right. So you can decided what you want. Pride wont keep you warm at night or laugh at your bad jokes or tell you how much you mean to them. I propose that if you called first it wouldnt be you in a weaker position, rather you would be a more mature person. At the very least you can walk away fromthe situation with you head held high knowing you took a mature approach to a relationship. And if this guy is worth anything at all, positions of power would never enter the relationship dynamic. So you can either put your pride first or take a chance that maybe there could be something between you two. You have all the answers to your questions, you detailed them in your last 2 posts.
Island Girl Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 If someone from your camp rang him and told him to contact you as you have feelings for him im sure he would then. But at the moment he is certain he will get shot down and is trying to spare himself from pain. This is already so completely high school. He had a six year relationship with someone. If he doesn't know how to be an adult, reach out, and apologize for something he clearly knows he did wrong then he is soooooooooooo not worth the effort. So you can decided what you want. Exactly. Decide between trying to make the situation "okay" enough for him to be "okay" and apologize for something he did. Then be prepared for a boy who doesn't know how to handle issues in relationships and be prepared to hold his hand. OR Another guy who is accountable for his own actions and does not need any probing or hand holding. Pride wont keep you warm at night or laugh at your bad jokes or tell you how much you mean to them. I propose that if you called first it wouldnt be you in a weaker position, rather you would be a more mature person. Someone else can fill that spot. He isn't the only fish in the sea (thank GAWD). And it does put her in "the weaker position". It puts her in the position of still being there for a possible relationship when he has demonstrated no valid reason why she should be. At the very least you can walk away fromthe situation with you head held high knowing you took a mature approach to a relationship. She can already do this. In fact has done it. And up to now she hasn't resorted to childish behavior or door mat behavior - she is doing just fine actually. Aren't you OP? And if this guy is worth anything at all, positions of power would never enter the relationship dynamic. At this point he hasn't shown himself to be worth anything at all. When push came to shove he ducked for cover and has hid out sending stupid little cryptic messages through MySpace. So you can either put your pride first or take a chance that maybe there could be something between you two. You have all the answers to your questions, you detailed them in your last 2 posts. Maybe there could be if he would be a grown up - ahem - a MAN and if he wasn't shady. By your account he is a scared little boy who wants some kind of an indication that the coast is clear for an apology. Who needs a guy like that in the first place? There are too many good looking, engaging, intelligent, charming men out there to waste time trying to babysit or mother one that seems to need special hand holding just to be accountable and address his own mistakes. YUCK!
vessv6l Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 Valid points. How old are you island girl? Im going to guess and say late 20's, early 30's. This is already so completely high school. He had a six year relationship with someone. If he doesn't know how to be an adult, reach out, and apologize for something he clearly knows he did wrong then he is soooooooooooo not worth the effort. Hes only 23. Thats pretty young. His behaviour could be more mature absoultely in this situation. The OP never mentioned having problems while they were dating except when "she let him have it" about a text message, the validity of which was never established. Decide between trying to make the situation "okay" enough for him to be "okay" and apologize for something he did. Then be prepared for a boy who doesn't know how to handle issues in relationships and be prepared to hold his hand. OR Another guy who is accountable for his own actions and does not need any probing or hand holding. Maybe he would appologise if he had the chance. He may thing that if he ring you, you wont answer. He may think if he texts you no matter what he says you wont reply. He may think the situation is done with, that he has no chance so makes no effort. he may be accountable if he has the chance to. I dont think its about hand holding or anything like that. Someone else can fill that spot. He isn't the only fish in the sea (thank GAWD). And it does put her in "the weaker position". It puts her in the position of still being there for a possible relationship when he has demonstrated no valid reason why she should be. Weaker position? because she took a chance and contact him? Why still be there for a relationship? She shouldnt be, except she is because she wants to be! Obviously things were going well enough in 1 month! that she is asking the question about whats going on and what to do. If it was not what she wanted she would have walked away long before now. And up to now she hasn't resorted to childish behavior or door mat behavior - she is doing just fine actually. Aren't you OP? True. However contacting him isnt immature, its just the opposite. Maybe there could be if he would be a grown up - ahem - a MAN and if he wasn't shady. By your account he is a scared little boy who wants some kind of an indication that the coast is clear for an apology. Who needs a guy like that in the first place? There are too many good looking, engaging, intelligent, charming men out there to waste time trying to babysit or mother one that seems to need special hand holding just to be accountable and address his own mistakes. YUCK! Now this will be open to debate but hes 23, hes a young man. Not a mature man that you refer to. One that im sure you would find many flaws with island girl. You seem much more mature then the age of either the guy or this OP. Does that excuse his behaviour, and i refer to him walking away without contact? No, but it might explain it. OP, by all means walk away from this situation if that is what you want to do. Island girl may be right, this guy might not be worth your time. You had the relationship with him, you know best if you would want it back.
Island Girl Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 Hes only 23. Thats pretty young. His behaviour could be more mature absoultely in this situation. He is 23. He is by all accounts an adult. The fact that he isn't acting as one speaks volumes. He had a six year relationship. He HAS had to deal with conflict and resolution. How well he deals with it remains to be seen and certainly is telling at this point as to getting more deeply involved. And you are absolutely right that he could be dealing with this better. Maybe he would appologise if he had the chance. He may thing that if he ring you, you wont answer. He may think if he texts you no matter what he says you wont reply. He may think the situation is done with, that he has no chance so makes no effort. he may be accountable if he has the chance to. He has the chance. He has had the chance this entire time. Yes he could call and get no answer -- so he could leave a message! You are telling the OP all of these things as if he is the only one these things could happen to. SHE could call and he could not answer. SHE could send a message only to get no reply, etc.! And why should she be put in that situation when he is the one who has some major explaining to do? He even KNOWS he messed up. So the ball is very clearly in his court. And as the days go by and he still does not make the effort the OP should be less and less interested in anything he has to say. Obviously things were going well enough in 1 month! ONE MONTH. And already these kinds of issues. Tsk tsk. Again. It speaks volumes about deeper involvement with him. Island girl may be right, this guy might not be worth your time. I think you're right about this one!
vessv6l Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 In the eyes of the law he is an adult. Unfortunately maturity doesnt develop with regards to the law. A 6 year relationship he was in sure But hes 23 now, so he began this relationship when he was 17, perhaps younger. And lets assume the ex was at least 1 year young then him, so she was 16 when it began. It was a highschool relationship he had, and i may be wrong but i doubt a teenage relationship requires the same maturity as an adult relationship. Again we dont know what happened during those 6 years, he may never had to resolve any major conficts in that time. Thats a stretch by anyones imagination i know but the point is we dont know for certain. Now this lad doesnt sound like the agressive confrontational type. He withdrew when he was confronted about the text message. That in itself isnt a bad thing, but yes it would indicate that in future if this type of situation develops hes going to do the same thing. But i am almost certain that had the discussion about the text message occured in a calm manner with the purpose of not inflicting emotional damage that the OP wouldnt be here asking for help. Now the OP reacted the way she did because of her past, shes been dicked around before and she snapped thinking it was happening again, no fault of her own. So she reacted in a manner which was not conducive to a resolution that both parties may have prefered. And before you say it Island girl Yes the guy is as much a part of it as well. He arked up and left, perhaps thats what he knows how to do because of past history as well. Does the OP think she handled the situation regarding the text message well? If she does and she has no regrets about the manner in which the subject was broached then i suggest that she move on. If something developes again and you react the same way ive no doubt you will be back here asking for help again. I am not saying the OP's reaction was anything but justified. But it seems to me based on her post that she let him have it that she is the agressive confrontational type when she feels emotionally threatened. This guy seems to be the opposite, he withdraws and regroups in solitude, and if you two dont ever reach a happy medium about discussing issues like these then your going to have problems. So i believe this guy will not reach out because of his personality. The OP will need to make contact if she wants to try to make things better. This doesnt mean she is going to be doing all the work. All it might require is a text message saying "Hi can we talk". A message like that gives nothing away about her intentions and does not put her in a weaked position
Island Girl Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 In the eyes of the law he is an adult. Unfortunately maturity doesnt develop with regards to the law. A 6 year relationship he was in sure But hes 23 now, so he began this relationship when he was 17, perhaps younger. And lets assume the ex was at least 1 year young then him, so she was 16 when it began. It was a highschool relationship he had, and i may be wrong but i doubt a teenage relationship requires the same maturity as an adult relationship. Again we dont know what happened during those 6 years, he may never had to resolve any major conficts in that time. Thats a stretch by anyones imagination i know but the point is we dont know for certain. Now this lad doesnt sound like the agressive confrontational type. He withdrew when he was confronted about the text message. That in itself isnt a bad thing, but yes it would indicate that in future if this type of situation develops hes going to do the same thing. But i am almost certain that had the discussion about the text message occured in a calm manner with the purpose of not inflicting emotional damage that the OP wouldnt be here asking for help. Now the OP reacted the way she did because of her past, shes been dicked around before and she snapped thinking it was happening again, no fault of her own. So she reacted in a manner which was not conducive to a resolution that both parties may have prefered. And before you say it Island girl Yes the guy is as much a part of it as well. He arked up and left, perhaps thats what he knows how to do because of past history as well. Does the OP think she handled the situation regarding the text message well? If she does and she has no regrets about the manner in which the subject was broached then i suggest that she move on. If something developes again and you react the same way ive no doubt you will be back here asking for help again. I am not saying the OP's reaction was anything but justified. But it seems to me based on her post that she let him have it that she is the agressive confrontational type when she feels emotionally threatened. This guy seems to be the opposite, he withdraws and regroups in solitude, and if you two dont ever reach a happy medium about discussing issues like these then your going to have problems. So i believe this guy will not reach out because of his personality. The OP will need to make contact if she wants to try to make things better. This doesnt mean she is going to be doing all the work. All it might require is a text message saying "Hi can we talk". A message like that gives nothing away about her intentions and does not put her in a weaked position You are reaching and assuming things all throughout this post. It seems you are coming up with every excuse in the world why he should not do as an adult should. The OP and this guy dated for a month. If these types of issues come up (exes and hidden information) it is a HUGE red flag. If they are dealt with in this manner (sadly lacking in ability to handle situations) it is also a HUGE red flag. And yet you keep advocating that she should pursue such an immature and lacking prospect. Really?? OP seriously you can do SOOOOOO much better.
vessv6l Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 Touché i offer only my opinion, much the same as you OP, your life, your choice
Island Girl Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 there was also a text message to his ex girlfriend that said he would make sure I wasnt at his softball game this weekend so she could be there and he couldnt wait to see her in the stands again cheering him on confuzed25 - I just went and read through your other thread. The posters there said dump him and don't look back and I concur (obviously, eight?). You do not need a guy that is trying to make things more comfortable for his ex girlfriend. Find a guy that is concerned about how you feel and wants YOU in the stands cheering sweetie. They are out there. The only thing a bad guy does REALLY well is keep the good guys away (and fill the space so you aren't looking). I'll say it again. You SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO deserve better.
Author confuzed25 Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 yes i am doing fine, i am pretty bummed though that he has not contacted me. things seemed to be going so great and then bam, by some mistake i find that text and things are over. i do miss him, i was looking forward to doing a lot of things together this summer. he was always making plans ahead of time for us, i mean he bought us expensive tickets for something that isnt until the middle of july so he must of planned on being with me for awhile at least. so say i decide to contact him....what should i say? i need something that doesnt hint at us getting back together. it needs to be something that sounds neutral. so if he doesnt reply i wont look so pathetic and it wont look like i was trying to get back together.
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