Owl Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 Lovestory...I've still seen no answer to my questions, which I think would be extremely relevent to your situation.
Bluebird In My Heart Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 Did he use those steamy sex messages as fodder to make his sex life with his wife better? You bet he did. Maybe not immediately after that particular text, but yeah...at some point he will. I know I would (if I was a man who had no intention on leaving my marriage, is bored or what-have-you, and I'm with an ow who's prepared to stay the ow)...I imagine that's the way he'd think about it. Will he ever let on he's doing that (or her)? haha, no. So, you are helping his marriage out in this kind of situation. You said you intentionally looked for this - however your question reveals a lot, methinks. Sure you aren't in denial about how attached you are becoming? Or, already are? It looks like two things are going on: 1. You both made it clear to each other that you wish to stay in your primary relationships. 2. However, your view this as being a deeper, more complex thing than a booty call kind of thing. [because he has long convos w/ you?] ^ Now...take a look at what I wrote above. Don't those two things contradict each other? Seriously, how could those two things share the same space? They cannot coexist. Why? Because he will not allow himself to fall for you to the detriment of his marriage. I guarantee you he will not. So he will only allow this to get so deep, and it won't be anywhere near as deep as you will be satisfied with - and not nearly as deep as you are willing to go... Imho, he's already (or surely will) omit the truth about his sex life wih you - as well as how much he puts into his relationship with his wife. And, think about it...he's not going to leave her, so why wouldn't he work on things going well with her? He loves her. You are sooo going to get hurt. You need to look at this in the cold, hard light of day, and end it, deal with your life, and get going. This kind of thing cannot endure. He's committed to his wife. Yes, you will be used, you have been used. I'm sorry to put it thusly, and he might not admit to himself it is that way; but due to what you have asked for and your situations --- what do expect? What do you hope to get out of it? If this is already bothering you like this, you ain't seen nothing yet. I highly suggest you bail and deal with your immediate issues. Good luck. *hugs* .
bentnotbroken Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 I usually met guys then I go out with them. I don' really go out with gusy that I've known for years, this is because I would know a lot about them and vice-versa. It would be boring. "One thing you do know for sure about him, he is a liar, is married and a cheater" Even I agree with this, I do believe that many people when they cheat on their spouses they have a reason and it's not necessary their "fault". What I mean by this is that when the husband or wife don't get what they want from their partener, then they feel like finding someone to give that. Like in my current situation. I have not have sex with my boyfriend in a while, and believe I tried, but he doesn't want to for whatever reasons. We argue a lot, we do not go out anymore, we only go over his relatives on holidays. He moved in my apartment and it seems like he took over the whole space. He doesn't want to do anything in the house, he doesn't repect what I want. So with all those problems, what should I do? I tried for some time now, but it's not getting anywhere and I want a bit of happiness. He's a good man, but doesn't amke me happy. I don't break up with him? Because he's a good man and we have some past together, but I am not sure that in the future I'm going to be with him. Because of this situation, I believe that I have to get involved with amarried guy and not single. The MM I just met is a good father and takes care of the house etc, but he's not happy either. He's is not interested in a divorce either, if I understood correctly. I don't know why. The choice to handle unhappiness and unmet needs by cheating is always the cheaters fault, no ifs, ands, or buts. What should you do if you are that unhappy is leave, if you are unhappy now, you will probably be unhappy in the future. And a good father doesn't hurt the mother of his children. He doesn't try to give her an ounce of pain. He is not only trying he IS causing pain.
fooled once Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 Is this thread a joke? Really? You think it is okay to screw a married man because you don't want a long term commitment with him; even though you have a boyfriend of 5+ years living with you? Your boyfriend doesn't want sex or clean up the house; so you go out and find a MARRIED MAN to have sex with; but it isn't about sex? You are exposing his wife to potential STD's - and you have no problem with that? You are seeking out married men -- not single men -- because they are not in it for the long haul? But it isn't about sex? Really? are you kidding me? You must enjoy the rush of it all - you must enjoy the secrecy of it all. You must enjoy knowing you are hurting an innocent person (the wife) but that's right, it isn't all about sex. It is because you are bored with your boyfriend, but have no desire to kick him out because you may need him in the future for something. You are bored, looking for excitement and have no problems with seeking out MARRIED men to fulfil your wants and needs, but it isn't about sex. Therapy. You desperately need therapy.
Lizzie60 Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 You said that you did this for over 30 minutes.. then he stopped... It depends.. was it in the morning, at work, was he home with his W... If he wasn't close to his W.. ex. at work.. etc.. then my bet would that he just wanted steamy messages... maybe he went somewhere to jerk off.. thinking about you.. If he was with his W.. maybe he got all horny and had sex with her.. hard to say.. unless there was a witness.. MM gets turn-on by steamy conversations/texting.. methink he was turned on by you.. If you are protecting yourself emotionally.. then go for it.. if you think you might fall in love with the guy.. drop him.. cause most probably he won't leave his W for you... some do.. but most don't.
Gamine Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 Okay, so you and your live in boyfriend are 'less than fulfilled', you are bored, and want affection. Sounds like he could (most likely) have the same complaints concerning you and the relationship. So, let's do an analysis. Let's say he's doing the exact same thing you are... because if... following your logic... MM go outside of the marriage because they aren't getting what they need at home. Is your boyfriend? What if you learned that he was seeing OW telling them that you don't give him what he needs? That you are not taking care of him properly, that you are not fulfilling him? How would you respond? Probably the exact same way a betrayed spouse would.
Author love_story Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 Hi Love Story Am not in the least bit angry. Just trying to give honest advice. When I said "look in the mirror" i meant look at your own situation to understand why your married man won't break up with his wife, even though he's unhappy. You also don't break up with your boyfriend, even though you're unhappy. You sound like quite an adventurous and loving woman with a high sex drive - forgive me if I am mistaken! I think you are being wasted on this boy, who doesn't even help around the house. I think you should break up with him now by the sounds of it and stay friends with him, as this most likely won't be an option if he finds those texts you've been sending the other guy! If you are just looking for a friend, then maybe you should tell MM that and stop the flirtations and sex! I don't know how you figured out that I have a high sex drive. there is nothing in my posts that mentioned that.
jnj express Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 Hey love story---why are you defending the MM. You know he is a liar and a cheat. What makes you think he is telling you the truth about his mge. He is telling you what he wants you to hear, so you will be his A. partner, and think you are saving him from his horrible life. He may actually have an excellent mge., he himself is a slimy cheater, but his innocent family have no knowledge of this at this time. I understand you have physical needs, but why satisfy them by wrecking others lives as you satisfy yourself. As to yourself, why are you still in a relationship that is as you say dead, with what sounds like according to you a free loader, who has moved in on you and taken over. There are lots of guys out there for you to have a relationship with or just to have sex with that are not married, and are not free loaders.
bentnotbroken Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 I don't know how you figured out that I have a high sex drive. there is nothing in my posts that mentioned that. I get bored with the same man, is a major indication.
Author love_story Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 Hey love story---why are you defending the MM. You know he is a liar and a cheat. What makes you think he is telling you the truth about his mge. He is telling you what he wants you to hear, so you will be his A. partner, and think you are saving him from his horrible life. He may actually have an excellent mge., he himself is a slimy cheater, but his innocent family have no knowledge of this at this time. I understand you have physical needs, but why satisfy them by wrecking others lives as you satisfy yourself. As to yourself, why are you still in a relationship that is as you say dead, with what sounds like according to you a free loader, who has moved in on you and taken over. There are lots of guys out there for you to have a relationship with or just to have sex with that are not married, and are not free loaders. I did try to break up with my BF a few times, but he doesn' want to leave. He keeps telling me to get over it and that he likes the fact we are 2 different people. But I believe that people should have many things in common to be together. However, I helped this guy a lot over the years financially and in other ways and I feel like we have a connection, but I love him like a brother, I don't believe it's more than that. Another reason is that if I break up with him, I will feel very lonely for a while. I have no relatives close to me.They live far away. It's hard to say if his marriage is good or bad. I have met other married guys who told me that they only want to spice up their sex live, but I didn't want to have anything to do with thsese guys. The MM had a different approach, that's why I would like to have a relationship with him for a while, not a one stand kind.
Author love_story Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 I get bored with the same man, is a major indication. That's wrong. I didn't say I had sex with them. Having a high sex drive means to me like I have the need to have sex, which is not the case. I see se in a very different way than you and many other people in this country. I ahve to like the guy in order for me to have sex. Because a guy has the good looks , but there is no chemestry , it won't make have sex with him. Many women have sex with anyone just because they have the urge to do so, or they drink, but I am different.
Stepone Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 Like in my current situation. I have not have sex with my boyfriend in a while, and believe I tried, but he doesn't want to for whatever reasons. What I meant was your sex drive does not match your boyfriend's. I didn't mean you are some kind of addict! It is definitely possible to have a healthy high sex drive without being a sex addict who wants every man in town. I understand that you have chemistry with this man. But you did say in a previous post that "married men" were the way forward in general as you weren't after commitment. Make your mind up! You are so defensive, I think deep down you must doubt the wisdom of the road you are taking with this MM. I didn't attack you.
smookie Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 What's the point of this question that you posted in the original posting? Uhm WHO cares if he got hot and heavy with you in text messages then went to his wife to have sex with her... I do not understand this at all, You know he is not goin g to leave her and your not leaving your boyfriend. You know that he is still having sex with her. So why the question, Your in this really deep with this MM and it botherd you to think of it. Best of luck to you.
jnj express Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 I know the singles out there may not be the greatest, but i bet if you look you might find some nice single guys who can satisfy your needs, why do you want to ruin the life of a family unit, that as i said before may be innocent, and when this all blows up, you are going to wreck their lives permanently. Does this not bother you. Besides you know that your married affair partner is a slimy decietful person. Otherwise he would not be out cheating on hi wife and kids. Also can you straight face tell me you have no emotional attachment to slime. If you do than you also may be hurt when this all falls apart, and you know it will fall apart, they always do. Get out now, let his family live in peace, and satisfy yourself in the single world.
herenow Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 I did try to break up with my BF a few times, but he doesn' want to leave. So what you are saying is that you have no control over your own life. Then you must realize that you have no control over anyone else either and it's not any of your business when the MM has sex with his wife. IMO, focus on getting some control over your own life before you worry about what a married couple is doing together.
Author love_story Posted May 10, 2009 Author Posted May 10, 2009 What's the point of this question that you posted in the original posting? Uhm WHO cares if he got hot and heavy with you in text messages then went to his wife to have sex with her... I do not understand this at all, You know he is not goin g to leave her and your not leaving your boyfriend. You know that he is still having sex with her. So why the question, Your in this really deep with this MM and it botherd you to think of it. Best of luck to you. The reason I "care" is that he told me that he's not happy at home and that's why he decided to find an OW to make him happy. If he gets hot over txting from me and then he goes and have sex with his wife, this means he is using me and that's not what I want.
Author love_story Posted May 10, 2009 Author Posted May 10, 2009 I know the singles out there may not be the greatest, but i bet if you look you might find some nice single guys who can satisfy your needs, why do you want to ruin the life of a family unit, that as i said before may be innocent, and when this all blows up, you are going to wreck their lives permanently. Does this not bother you. Besides you know that your married affair partner is a slimy decietful person. Otherwise he would not be out cheating on hi wife and kids. Also can you straight face tell me you have no emotional attachment to slime. If you do than you also may be hurt when this all falls apart, and you know it will fall apart, they always do. Get out now, let his family live in peace, and satisfy yourself in the single world. I'm not trying to ruine his life or family and I don't really understand why you believe it's just the woman's fault. He decided to have an affair because his wife doesn't make him happy (according to him) so he started looking for the OW. The thing is that I like the guy, he really makes me feel happy., so far. WE only met once and of course it's hard to say exectly if this relationship is good or bad. But the way how he behaves, talks and subjects we talked about made feel happy. I do not have those dicsussions with my BF. We mostly argue about anything, even little things. He is like in his little world, not carrying about what I do or who I am.And it really hurts me. WE've been together for 5 years now and about 6 months ago he told me he didn't know I went to college and got a BS in IT , even if I told him plus I work in the field. This really hurt me. There are mnay things he didn't know about me or my family. But of course I have told him, but it seems like he doesn't pay attention.He's very absent. I think the reason I am still with him is that I really feel lonely, I have no family close by and I don't have the courage to look for somebody else. Also he own me a lot of money and I want that back, but it will take him some time to get it back to me. I only love him like a brother, nothing else.
Owl Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Love, you never have answered my remaining questions...or even commented that you'd seen them. I'm still very interested if you'd considered the answers to these? First...if you're not looking for him to divorce...what do you care if he sleeps with his wife? What should it matter? Third...while YOU may feel this way, have you considered the potential emotional trauma and devestation that your relationship with your MM will very likely have on his wife? Fourth...your boyfriend. If you're tired of him...why is he still at home? Why haven't you ended the relationship? Have you considered what news of your cheating with the MM will do to him?
Author love_story Posted May 12, 2009 Author Posted May 12, 2009 Love, you never have answered my remaining questions...or even commented that you'd seen them. First...if you're not looking for him to divorce...what do you care if he sleeps with his wife? What should it matter? Third...while YOU may feel this way, have you considered the potential emotional trauma and devestation that your relationship with your MM will very likely have on his wife? Fourth...your boyfriend. If you're tired of him...why is he still at home? Why haven't you ended the relationship? Have you considered what news of your cheating with the MM will do to him? I'm still very interested if you'd considered the answers to these? Hi Owl, Sorry, I didn't mean to ignore your answers. 1. Even if I don't want to marry him, if he'd sleep with his wife after messaging me, I would feel like I am used by him. 3. I don't see how I would cause trauma to his marriage. He wants or wanted to get into such relationship with me. I didn't not force him.So, I believe that he has to think about that. 4. There are a few reasons I can't or don't want to end my relationship with my BF. First I feel a bit lonely, I have no relatives around me. Secondly, I helped him out many times, since we first started going out and he owns me money. So I want to make sure I get it back. Another reason is that he still needs my help, but at the same time I know I am not happy and I'm thinking about breaking up. Well, it's just a thought.
bentnotbroken Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 Hi Owl, Sorry, I didn't mean to ignore your answers. 1. Even if I don't want to marry him, if he'd sleep with his wife after messaging me, I would feel like I am used by him. 3. I don't see how I would cause trauma to his marriage. He wants or wanted to get into such relationship with me. I didn't not force him.So, I believe that he has to think about that. 4. There are a few reasons I can't or don't want to end my relationship with my BF. First I feel a bit lonely, I have no relatives around me. Secondly, I helped him out many times, since we first started going out and he owns me money. So I want to make sure I get it back. Another reason is that he still needs my help, but at the same time I know I am not happy and I'm thinking about breaking up. Well, it's just a thought. You would feel used, yet you don't mind using him for sex and your BF so you won't be lonely. User or usee....stay tuned.
Anis Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 Yes, you ARE being used by him. Yes, you ARE using him. But if you're not willing to admit to it why would he? This could turn into a beautiful co-dependency, leaving you lonely and shattered in the end, the exact place you're trying to avoid by jumping into this mess.
Dexter Morgan Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 I am new to this cheating thing. I just started having an affair with a married man. Last week we made love for the first time. No, you had sex We do a bit of chatting almost everyday and cell phone texting, mostly talking about sex. Earlier today we exhanged a bunch of messages on the cell phone about what he and I do to each other. We did this for more than 30 minutes. I sent him the last message saying that I would kiss him like crazy etc., but afte that he stopped texting me. Do you think he went to his wife and made love to her? He told me that she doesn't want to have sex with him anymore. Thanks well thats one thing to tell a potential affair partner to garner sympathy to get laid. So what is it you hope to accomplish? Do you want him to leave his wife, and children if he has any? Are you married? If the answer is no to the former and yes to the latter...then what difference does it make what he does with his wife?
Dexter Morgan Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 Enema, I'm hoping to have a longer relationship with this man.He wants the same thing, long time friend and intimacy. I'm not looking to make him divorce. Well hopefully the wife finds out and confronts you directly. you hope to have a long relationship with someone elses husband? What kind of woman are you? I had quiet few relationships in the past and it looks like I am better off being not married. I agree I'm 41 now, never been married. answers my question to the post above. I get bored of guys when they become to close to me and too possesive. yes, NEVER get married. Being with a married man makes me happy. This guy, the OM, wants intimacy as I do. He's a bit busy at home, many kids plus a wife who loves her career more than her marriage, according to him. yes....according to him. again, hopefully his wife finds out soon.
MichelleS1983 Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 The reason I "care" is that he told me that he's not happy at home and that's why he decided to find an OW to make him happy. If he gets hot over txting from me and then he goes and have sex with his wife, this means he is using me and that's not what I want. LOL..oh NO, he's not using you at all. I'm sure he sleeps in the guest room, too, because his nasty, mean passionless wife has banned him from the marital bed. Poor, poor guy. The others are right - there are millions of selfish single guys who wouldn't think twice about servicing you and forgetting you exist until the next time they're horny. They'd be doing the same exact thing your creep MM is doing right now - taking what he needs when it's convenient for him and forgetting you exist the rest of the time. Except the single guys aren't selfishly bringing a third person into the mix who has no idea her world could collapse at any given moment. Why don't you look past your OWN selfish needs and consider the fact that your actions DO affect others? Find some other idiot who'll waste his time making you feel OH SO DESIREABLE and leave the married ones alone. Cheating, lying married men are a dime a dozen anyway and quite honestly, not even worth the dime.
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