*sigh* Hello Very long post hopefully someone will read it :(

[PuzzledHeart]

Well, I'm going to try and make this as short as possible but there's a decent amount to it so bare with me:

 

Before I beging...I just want to say I felt i did way more in the relationship for her then me and I put her first before myself to make sure she was happy. First part is just the story and anything in bold are key factors that should be known.

 

I Broke up with my girlfriend of 4 years recently and it's been hell. I've known her for a long time before we started dating and her brother and I were best friends since middle school. I'm 23 and she's 19. Our relationship was sparked by a friend of hers sending me an IM over AOL Instant Messenger telling me that she likes me. So we get to talking and I stopped by a few times. We became a couple and were inseparable. We spent all our time with each other.

 

She does not have many friends and my family is a absolute wreck. We needed each other as much as possible and got along not just as a couple but as best friends too. Her Brother and I sorta fell apart. We didn't hang out as much and started to drift. He went to IRAQ and when he came back wasn't into all the same things we were into. He also started to drink a lot more often. Since he turned 21 when he was over there, he wanted to party when he came back and hasn't stopped and still drinks alot. My parents are both alcoholics and I'm a lightweight when it comes to drinking but I don't like to drink often for those reasons.

 

My parents are constantly out at the bar and not home. My sisters are always complaining and this is a big reason why i had to move out a.s.a.p. I tried dealing with it and talking to them but they just seem not to give a ****.

 

Anyway, back to topic....

 

So we had a great relationship. We talked everyday and not because we had to but because we both wanted to. Her family didn't like the fact we were dating (i was 19 and she was 15 when we started dating) but eventually ended up loving me. Again, i knew her family through her brother for a while.

 

Her family is considerabley wealthy and shes the 2nd of two children and the youngest. She mostly gets her way at home.

 

 

I think most of our problems was actually communication(Irony eh?). We are both bottlers and we bottle up our emotions because we are afraid of hurting each others feelings. We can't seem to talk about serious things in person. She ends up crying or I end up yelling. One or the other we can't seem to get our problems out in the open and we both just tell each other "Nothing" is wrong a lot. There were times where we yelled at each other and both laughed about it. I guess it all depends on the situation.

 

We had alot of problems too. It wasn't all peaches and cream. She hardly wanted to drive over because she hates to drive, but i dont think that's really fair. We have had alot of arguements because of this(Thats something I will bitch about lol) I had to drive us everywhere(which is ok if we are both together). I always buy her things even though i can't afford it and she usually gets her way because I love her and I want to see her happy.

 

Well, a little after the 3 year mark she started to become distant. She started college sometime during year 2-3 or so of our relationship. I'm not sure if this has much to do with it but I figured its a good idea to atleast say it. She only goes part time. I noticed this, and after your with someone for so long(atleast for me) I can sense when something isn't right. I asked her a few times and I get the "Nothing". Well, I had a vacation planned and we did go(went to Busch Gardens). She split the hotel costs with me because she wanted a fancy hotel room and i couldn't afford the fancy hotel room+tickets+food+gas+ect. We had a good time....but I only had a good time as friends not as a relationship couple would. She was still feeling distant and we didn't have sex till the last day of the vacation because personally i think she felt bad(she even said so). She did have a bad fever blister half way thru but still.

 

Gonna Try And Speed This Up A Bit:

 

She doesn't get along with many girls and she says she feels like she would rather hang with guys because she has more in common with them(Gaming, Talking, Just the way she is) This bothers me, makes me jealous but i can accept it if she tells me who/when she is hanging with person and i'd PREFER to meet them. I think thats fair IMO but maybe my opinion isn't ok? She has hung out with guys that I don't know alone at their houses before.

 

After we came back from vacation, a couple weeks later i decided to get online and talk to her about the whole "Distant" thing. I had to constantly ask her whats wrong and eventually just asked outta the blue: Do you want a break? Or Do you want to break up? She says:

 

"I don't think i see a future with you. We both Want Different Things in life and I don't see why we should continue our relationship. It won't last forever and I don't want to pretend that it will."

 

She wants to travel the world and such. She doesn't want to have a family or a house or what not.

 

I was crushed by this and eventually we talked a few days later. She sent a text saying she wants to work it out. I told her in person: "You don't see a future with me...why would you want to start again?" She replied: "I didnt know what i was thinking and i just want you." We gave it another shot and this time around wasn't as good. Like i said before we need each other and we both know that.

When she said she saw no future with me, from here till i broke up with her...That thought never left my head and I still believe she didn't see a future with me. I love her and always will but, thats something that you can't swallow easily.Also, I talked to her brother(Friend of mine) and seemed to be happy about us breaking up. He knows i treated her good and he just seemed to not care. I think he wanted his old friend back and have things back the way they were. He told her "It's for the best."

 

We made it past our 4th year mark. Around the last 6 months I've had alot happen to me. I got laid off at my job, I lost my car in a car accident, started a new job, Hated that job and got rehired at old job(They were hiring again and needed people) ect ect. Well, anyway...a few weeks ago i noticed she wasn't herself again feeling distant. I stuck it through for a couple weeks and noticed nothing was changing. Hardly getting kisses or hugs until its time to leave, 1 word answers to my conversation starters..no sex... I'm not understanding whats going on. I ask "Whats wrong?" and either I get "Nothing" or "I don't know." I'm thinking here we go again, I feel a breakup coming. Another Week goes by and I'm just fed up of feeling Lonely and Miserable because of it and she wont talk to me about whatever her problem is.

 

I get online to talk to her again and start with: "I'm starting to feel miserable...what's wrong? Whats going on? I feel like you don't care about me anymore." I pretty much just wanted to have a talk with her about everything thats bothering me and hoped she would understand. She insists that she does care and she's sorry for acting the way she has been. I told her maybe we need a break, maybe i'm too needy(i thought she was more needy but I guess we had a strong bond and I needed her just as much). I wanted to pretty much rip this need i have for her and just make it to where I'm happy even if shes isn't around or not in the mood to want me.

 

This is where pretty much im confused and I don't know what I want anymore. I make bad decisions from this and I'm not thinking and acting the way i normally would.

 

A few more days go by and again it continues. At my job, i work around alot of machines and it can get boring at times so i think non stop about what shes doing or whats going on. I started to feel miserable by this point. I work 12 hour shifts and I constantly think about her while im at work. I got to the point where im thinking ok either shes gonna talk to me or i'm going to have to leave the relationship. I don't feel its fair that I sit by idle while she works out whatever problem shes having when she won't talk to me or tell me whats wrong. I felt like she left me in the dark. She can talk to me about ANYTHING i've told her that from the beginning. I'm feeling lonely and abandoned. Everyone I was talking to didn't give me much advice and this isn't the first time shes been distant. I texted her a few times and she just seemed to be the same. 1 Word answers and such. So i tried to start a conversation with her thru texts and said she went over her texts and can't start a conversation. Now, I don't know how this is possible if i'm pretty much the only person she talks to and we didnt send much texts recently.

 

I called her up on one of my breaks and told her i don't want to be a couple anymore and just wanted to be friends because i feel its the best way for us. I felt we could get along just as well as friends then a couple. She didnt put up a fight or anything. Just asked why? then said ok after i told her. I felt the text thing was an excuse or shes texting alot to someone else. Something wasn't right and I already felt weird about the whole distant thing(possibly another guy? I dunno)

 

A few days go by and I talked to her online. She felt miserable and Now i felt miserable because i didnt want to hurt her but i was tired of feeling the way i was and i wanted her to know the relationship was unstable. I told her how i felt and what was bothering me. As friends, We won't have the burden of worrying about each other's problems(Showing her that i still feel she doesn't really care about mine.) She understood. That's something you don't take easily. I asked her if she still feels that way and she said: "Hell, I don't even see my own future." She wanted to try and work things out but i insisted that her telling me that she didnt see a future with me made it hard. I told her again i think i see a future with you but as friends, not as a couple. She told me not to talk to her then if that's how i felt till she can get over me. I agree.

 

The next day i texted her and was trying to keep in touch. I kept talking to her because i decided that maybe it's not worth throwing the whole thing away if she really felt that way. I didn't break up with her because I didn't love her anymore but, because she was becoming distant and I felt she just didn't care about me or my problems anymore. So i figured her seeing me still talking to her she would understand that I still wanted to be together. We had some Decent conversations and we sent smiles over the text messages. I thought things were looking pretty good.....

 

One day at work i mentioned to her that i didn't bring change to work for food(vending machines, i had 2 5's but no change machine that worked). In a nutshell i figured i'd tell her and maybe she would offer to bring some up for me(even though we aren't dating i woulda did it for her and my work and her house are in the same town. No more then a 5 min drive). She said "i'm sorry."

(""I'm sorry"" Famous 1 liner from her that never felt like she was sorry or cared because she never said or did anything after she said it. This is one of the biggest reasons i felt she just doesn't care and she has always done this in the 4 year relationship. Not everytime has it always been this way but 95% of the time.)

 

About 20 mins later i told her off saying: "I see that you don't care if i starve even if we aren't dating, i still care to see you starve." I admit i was in the wrong here. I shouldn't have said that and i shouldn't have assumed she would do anything even if she did care because we aren't together. Personally I woulda offered her immediately to bring her the change and she said she was mid way typing that but she felt i wouldn't want to see her and such. Again, I admit I was wrong and I told her i'm sorry and that was out of line. I aplogized several times.

 

We had a entire text conversation that night while i was at work. We ended good and she said you can talk to me anytime and so on.

 

It always seems when i confront her about a situation like this I always get a decent excuse why she never took action on a situation. It's always: "I was going to do that or I didnt think you would want this." She's not a person that would get up and just do something. She has to have approvals and never assumes anything.

 

A couple days later I started it off the same way while at work. Asked her how her day was and all that. I mentioned to her I wanted her to come over sometime. She agreed(she still has a key). I told her to just come right in and keep the key). I told her to stop unannounced. She laughed and said ok with a smile. That's about it that day.

 

A few days later same again. I told her to let me know when she stops by because I waited around my house the 2 days I had off because i didn't know what was going on(lol stupid idea i know! ). She said, She planned on possibly stopping by on the weekend, but don't wait around for her to come(This was a bad sign IMO and i still believe so).

 

This is where it all went down hill....

 

The next day(Thursday, 3 days off after 1 day of work Sat, Sun, Mon)

 

I started it off just like normal, asking how the day was and all that. Eventually I told her i look forward to seeing her because i miss being around her(We got along as good friends too). She said the same. It started to look like ok, she understands that I wanna work things out. So I went out on a limb and said i missed her entirely. She replies: "Oh". I'm thinking....DAMMIT! Not good. So i said: "I guess you don't feel the same do you? Maybe it's a bad idea for you to stop by this weekend." She still wanted to stop by she said, but then said: " I think i understand what you meant when you said about we just make better friends." I replied with: "Ah, ok well if that's the case, i think i need a little more time alone before i see you. She agreed. That was that.

 

The Next day Friday:

 

Again, started the same way asking how the day was and all that. After our normal conversation, It was silent from her till this day. I asked her: "I noticed your only texting me back and not actually starting a text(i was trying to keep in touch and i thought she was ok with this or atleast it seemed this way the whole time) and i'm not trying to start any ****(argument) but Do you want me to stay in touch or do you want me to leave you alone?

 

No answer

 

I texted back 20 mins later: "I guess i'll take your silence as a way of saying you want to be left alone and if you ever wanna talk you know how to reach me.

 

It's now monday and I haven't heard from her yet. It's unlike her to not respond(obviously shes been talking to me and I didn't see how she could hate me or be mad at me).

 

I sent her a long message over msn(shes always on msn and she hasnt been all weekend). That in a nutshell said: I didn't want it to end like this. I don't want you to hate me but if i said something that would make you hate me...i'm sorry. I don't wanna lose you or your family in my life and i want to be friends if I can't be with you.(thats in a nutshell) This is the last time i'm gonna try and contact you(i tried once more with a phone call but no answer so i left a voice mail saying the same thing). I hope i hear from you....

 

So that's it and i dunno what to do now. I don't wanna lose her forever. I still love her and I do want her to be happy. That's the real main thing about it. I want her to know that I don't want her to hate me and I never wanted to hurt her in any way, shape, or form but I dunno what to do anymore.

 

This thing is long enough, Any questions or comments would be appreciated!

 

Thanks...

[trying123]

Hey whats up man, I am also 23 so I will try to give you feed back,

also man I know you think that it helps, but honestly you gotta shorten stuff

 

1. AGE is a huge problem, she is young that is a major problem she just started college, these big change of events or when she evaluates things. You are not helping her cause by keep asking her whats wrong

 

2. If a woman ever becomes distant, become even more distant, you never miss anyone until they are gone, also you were right to feel like something was wrong, by acting on it and questioning her was a bad idea, say I am here if you wanna talk about it but then move on. Complaining has never got me anywhere

 

Look at her reaction when you broke up with her

her telling me that she didnt see a future with me made it hard

 

She is tell you she is eventually going to break up with you

 

One day at work i mentioned to her that i didn't bring change to work for food(vending machines, i had 2 5's but no change machine that worked). In a nutshell i figured i'd tell her and maybe she would offer to bring some up for me(even though we aren't dating i woulda did it for her and my work and her house are in the same town. No more then a 5 min drive). She said "i'm sorry."

 

This is a RED FLAG, you tell her about all these things your upset about and she doesn't offer to try and help, however it is less of a red flag since you broke up with her earlier

 

A few days later same again. I told her to let me know when she stops by because I waited around my house the 2 days I had off because i didn't know what was going on(lol stupid idea i know! ). She said, She planned on possibly stopping by on the weekend, but don't wait around for her to come(This was a bad sign IMO and i still believe so).

 

HORRIBLE SIGN like four horseman sign, your gut knows what is happening it is just hard for you to accept

 

look you understand what is happening, she was emotionally starting to check out and you can tell, you started to hold on tighter and that is when she checked out of your hotel. The only chance you have is to move on and see what happens, go no contact, eventually you will date someone that will contact you, be there for you,

 

I am just a blunt guy, sorry I know it seems harsh

[PuzzledHeart]

I know it was long and you say it doesnt help but it does. I'm trying to show as many angles as possible so someone can't say: "maybe it's because you didnt do this" or something like that lol. Thanks for the reply, its appreciated.

[vessv6l]

I agree with trying123's post. She is young and you have been with her for 4 years, she is going to start wondering what other people are like. I think people always wonder about the grass on other side, im 27 and i know i was guilty of it in my previous relationship.

 

Her saying she doesnt see a future. Defintely a problem there. Bigger problem that you were unable to look past it the second time you got together. People say things that arnt neccessarily true and regret them later on. I told my ex that we wernt best friends, big mistake and it wasnt true. Damage was done though. So she said that and it hurt you like it would anyone, she tried to make ammends for it but it had cut you too deep.

 

Now you breaking it up with her and her telling you that she needs time to get over you before friends and then you texting her each day about whats happening. Many posts on this site that start with titles like this "Ex broke my heart but wont stop contacting me - help". She said she needed space but you didnt give her any. Thinking she would bring you money to your work after you had broken up with her was a mistake. If i was her i wouldnt, not out of spite but because i wouldnt want to see you. Your intentions havent really been clear to her. But she was distancing herself from you too before the end so i think you ending it wasnt a wrong move just a hard one.

 

Id say take comfort that the relationship was probably going to end anyway but i doubt thats an easy task. Try to move on, respect her decision to NC. In a couple of months perhaps you can detail everything in an email to her. It may not do you any good, may help her though.

 

You've had a tough upbringing and comming from a tough background myself i feel for you. Dont let this change who you are except for the better. You are both young and will probably go through many more relationships before you find the perfect one. Stay stong and move forward. Hope it all works out for you

[PuzzledHeart]

tyvm for your reply...any replies at all are welcome. Making me feel a little better