jadziaidaris Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 I need some advice about this because I don't know what to do. In February 2007 my ex-husband moved out because he didn't want our marriage anymore. He was having an affair that he said was only a friendship. He was trying to have his cake and eat it too. Our marriage went back and forth for about a year until I finally had enough. After some legal stuff with mutually owned property, we finally filed for divorce in December 2008. Now rewind to September 2008, I was at a fundraiser with some friends, when I decided to call a long time friend to come join us since I found out his was just around the corner from where we were partying. Let's call this friend Jim. He was initially my friend then also became friends with my ex-husband through me in 1999. Long story short, we both got drunk at the event and we ended up hooking up. We went out a few days later to talk about what happened. We decided that we would like to see each other on a romantic level. Before this I had talked to him extensively about my situation and he was always a great support through the tough parts of my marriage. My ex-husband ended up finding out we had been seeing each other and when ballistic. He told my parents and all of our friends that NOW I was having an affair. I couldn't believe it. He decided now that he wanted to come back. Anyway, I said to little too late. We ended up going through with the divorce against his wished. It was final in February of 2009. Jim and I continued to see each other very casually. I also dated other casually for a few months. But in recent weeks it started getting more serious as we started seeing each other and talking to each other more often. I was starting to have the thoughts of what are we doing here, just having fun, or what, etc, etc... So one night we ended up getting drunk together and he spilled his guts. He said that he really, really liked me, but he felt guilty about the whole situation. He was dating me, his friend, who was once married to his other friend. He said he didn't know that he could deal with all the baggage that came with this. Also the fact that my parents know what happened between us before my divorce was legal also bothered him. He also brought up the fact that he said I'm a strong successful woman with a house and all this stuff. He wasn't sure he could offer me the same to make me happy. He asked me what I wanted of him. I told him I didn't need money or any of those things. I just wanted someone to spend time with that would love me and make me happy. I point blank said I wanted to see where this was going. We could take it slow and just see where it ends up. We also talked about marriage, and family and children and what the future could bring. I haven't seen him since that night (Friday May 1st) and I don't really know what to say at this point. My ex-husband is totally out of my life now. We had no children. There is now no contact at all between us. And I know they will never be friends again after this. But I can't help wonder about the whole situation. I guess I don't know if I should keep pursuing this. Has anyone ever had a similar situation work out? So far this man has made me very happy. Should I keep pursuing this?
You'reasian Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 Word of caution: if the two of you work together, it might not be a good idea to persue a relationship unless you are in different departments - but otherwise go for it. Sounds like the guy really likes you.
paddington bear Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 Dear God woman, listen to yourself. While married, your husband had an affair = marriage over. While waiting for your DIVORCE to come through, you, by chance meet someone else. At this point, your marriage was over, your husband had his chance, he blew it, he lost you. You had every right to go and find someone else who does want you and does care about you. Of course your husband changed his mind when he heard about this, it's that male competition thing, made more intense because he knew the guy that you're now with. That wasn't out of love, that was trying to stake his claim on what he still saw as his territory (ie you), but you were no longer his territory any more, because you were in the process of a divorce, so tough s*** ex husband, too bloody late, you missed the boat. As regards him telling your parents and everyone else. Well boo hoo for him. Your ex-husband "Sob, and then she went off with a good friend of mine, I feel so betrayed by both of them". Did you tell your parents and all your friends that he had an affair while you were married? He's just trying to play the victim in all of this, when in fact he had the affair, he can now simply put up with the consequences of his actions which is the failure of his marriage and the fact that you will end up meeting someone else, as we generally meet friends of friends, work colleagues and so on, it's no surprise that you ended up with a mutual friend. I think when already separated, in the process of getting a divorce you going out with whoever you damn well like is perfectly accepatable. If you read these boards you will see that there are a lot of people out there who are finding it very hard to meet someone who cares about them. Don't throw away this chance with what sounds like a nice guy, who really cares about you out of some misplaced guilt over your ex. I'll write that again in big letters EX, he once had the right to feel whatever he wanted about your behaviour, as soon as you two decided to split, he lost that right. Go, have fun with your new man, forget your ex, what he thinks of you and his friend's relationship and live your life and be with people who make you happy. Don't toss away a relationship that will make you happy just because it might make your EX, who you no longer see, unhappy.
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 I have no problem with people dating others while seperated when both parties are simultaneously going to divorce and both are okay with dating others. You should haeve divorced him first and then started dating. And out of all the people, why does it have to be someone you both mutually know? Couldnt it have been someone else?
Author jadziaidaris Posted May 5, 2009 Author Posted May 5, 2009 Thanks for the responses. This dating relationship was not something I looked for or planned. It just kind of happened. He didn't expect this to happen either. I guess my question was more along the lines of looking for advice from his point of view. I just want to understand if he'll be able to come around in this situation. I understand how he feels. Feeling guilty about dating me. Also, being able to put my baggage behind us. The words he used were that he wasn't ready yet to deal with my baggage. It was too soon after my divorce. He shouldn't feel guilty about anything. He didn't break up my marriage. It was way past broken at the point which we got involved. I think that's something I have been very good about. I never ever talk about my ex-husband unless he asks me a question about it. I'm of the belief that you should never bring up past relationships unless there is a very good reason. I talked to him today, and he seemed no different than usual. I guess I am a bit relieved. But I was wondering if I should just let the conversation kind of lay low for a little or should I bring it up again? Is status quo the best mode for operation at this point? It's been about 6 months since we started dating, most of which were very casual. Only in the last 2 has it progressed into something more.....
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