Grieving in silence - death of the OW

[Reggie]

Well, then don't have sex, in the meantime. You are playing Russian roulette with her life.

[tami-chan]

This was just a great post that I had to respond to it individually. Thank you so much for sharing your story and your insight with me. I really do appreciate it.

 

I've already been doing what you did to some degree. It just seems a natural thing, I guess.

 

Right now I'm at the stage (its only been 7 days) where I'm going to our "places" to look for her and wait for her, even though I know she's not coming. I know there's no logic in that, but it feels like a phase I just have to go through in order to truly confront and accept the loss. Last night I wrote this and posted it on her Facebook page:

 

------

sitting alone

in our old familiar places

knowing you're not there

 

whispering into the wind

knowing you won't answer

 

still, I wait.

-----

 

I'm sure with time this will ease. Actually, I pray that with time this will ease. The hurt is absolutely crushing at times.

 

Anyway, thanks again for sharing. Reading your post did make me feel a bit better in some way.

 

omg...this is sooo sad and so sweet..

 

Delajoonal is right. Let the man grieve. He did not come here asking for advice about his marriage or to talk about his adultery. He is here seeking if there are others who have experienced what he is going through-losing a good friend and lover. Perhaps we can at least respect that.

[rangerNY]

omg...this is sooo sad and so sweet..

 

Delajoonal is right. Let the man grieve. He did not come here asking for advice about his marriage or to talk about his adultery. He is here seeking if there are others who have experienced what he is going through-losing a good friend and lover. Perhaps we can at least respect that.

 

Thank you Tami.

 

While I understand that the nature of the topic is bound to trigger opinions based on emotion and experience, I was taken aback at how quickly a few felt the need to drag their old baggage through the thread, even though said baggage has nothing to do with my original question about disenfranchised grief.

 

Owl, I don't know you from a hole in the wall with the exception of your posts in this thread, but I can only assume that Mrs. Owl did you wrong at some point in the past, and for that I am truly sorry. It comes shining through in your ability to ignore my original question and head directly to the "tell your wife" issue. You are to be commended for following that up with an accusation that my choice not to tell at this time is purely self-centered in nature. Your experience in the past has no bearing on my actions now or in the future, thank you.

 

I'm sorry for the hurt anyone has felt for whatever reasons in the past, and I do appreciate the insightful and supportive replies to my original post, but I guess its time for me to move on from here.

[whichwayisup]

Sorry for your loss..Losing anyone to death - Well, it just plain sucks!!

 

I do think your wife may know that you and the OW were closer than you realize.. She may not think it was a full-on affair, but she knows you, your moods etc., so chances are deep down she knew...But denied it all because she doesn't want to lose you..

 

Get some counselling in, focus on healing and I hope you can salvage your marriage, fix what's broken inside of you, so you can be happy with your wife.

 

Good luck!

[Owl]

 

Owl, I don't know you from a hole in the wall with the exception of your posts in this thread, but I can only assume that Mrs. Owl did you wrong at some point in the past, and for that I am truly sorry. It comes shining through in your ability to ignore my original question and head directly to the "tell your wife" issue. You are to be commended for following that up with an accusation that my choice not to tell at this time is purely self-centered in nature. Your experience in the past has no bearing on my actions now or in the future, thank you.

 

Well, the funny thing is that I'm not hurting at all at this point in my life...so don't think that my post was motivated in any way to "fix things" in my own life.

 

I find it interesting that you come here with the same battle cry that I've heard from literaly HUNDREDS of OW/OM on this site over the last five years..."my story is DIFFERENT, and what (anyone else) has gone through has no bearing to MY situation". Stick around for a while, ranger...learn something.

 

You'll find something fascinating as time goes on and your knowledge increases...you aint special, bud. Your situation isn't unique. Your affair with your OW...nothing new. Her death is sad...and for that, it totally makes sense that you'll grieve.

 

But don't be so quick to think that people are here to attack and assault you, just because you don't like the responses you're getting.

 

I'm suggesting you tell your wife NOW, for one simple reason.

 

There will NEVER be a "good time" to tell her. There will ALWAYS be..."reasons"...for you NOT to tell her. And if you give in once to the thinking of "waiting for a better time"...you simply set course for living a lie.

 

Yes...I am convinced that your choice to lie (by omission) to your wife about the affair is self-centered. Impress me here...give me a great reason why it's NOT.

 

My focus on this, rather than focusing on your grief...is intentional.

 

Trust me...if you're actively working to save your marriage...you're not wallowing in grief and self-pity.

 

And it's the best chance you've got to do the right thing...perhaps your first biggest "right thing" since the affair.

 

I don't suggest that you sit there and grieve and wallow in the loss of your OW...I suggest that you DO something to fix your life and your marriage instead. I'm not suggesting it because I'm angry and want you to hurt...I'm suggesting it because I truly think it's best course of action for you, and for your wife.

 

Re-read that last paragraph again...and keep it in mind when you consider my post.

 

As far as ignoring your original post...my response to you is to NOT "grieve in silence"...instead, do something about it. Sorry...I thought that came through to you in my previous posts.

[tami-chan]

You'll find something fascinating as time goes on and your knowledge increases...you aint special, bud. Your situation isn't unique. Your affair with your OW...nothing new. Her death is sad...and for that, it totally makes sense that you'll grieve.

 

Unbelievable. I think OW's DEATH is quite a major difference. You are being so dismissive about it. Is that a reflection of how you truly feel about OWs/OMs?

 

But don't be so quick to think that people are here to attack and assault you, just because you don't like the responses you're getting.

 

Well, perhaps the things that you posted are just a tad inappropriate for what he is going through. He came here with a specific question, you respond with your own agenda marginalizing the fact that he is grieving-that somebody important in his life is DEAD!

 

This is exactly what I was talking about BSs post regardless of what the OP came here for. And this is from the same people who champion the cause

 

My focus on this, rather than focusing on your grief...is intentional.

 

LOL....too arrogant for words-jeezus!

 

Trust me...if you're actively working to save your marriage...you're not wallowing in grief and self-pity.

 

Wallowing? how is that man wallowing? Are you sayng that grieving for a few days after the death IS WALLOWING? What do you call those BSs who YEARS after D-day are still here talking and seeking assurance that theirs is righteous indignation?

 

I bet if you tell somebody who is "grieving" because his/her spouse left him/her for another person to "get over it-it's been 6 months already"-I would be flamed for it.

 

Your post is just arrogant and totally rude.

[White Flower]

Tami-Chan, excellent post!

 

Owl, I think the mere fact that rangerNY HAS chosen his M (which is obvious) does not rule out the fact that he can and is allowed to suffer the loss of someone he loved.

 

To everyone else, the R with the OW was over a long time ago. Don't kick the guy when he is down. How easy is it to slay a grieving man? Try it later, after he's healed. Be a bigger person.

[whichwayisup]

To everyone else, the R with the OW was over a long time ago. Don't kick the guy when he is down. How easy is it to slay a grieving man? Try it later, after he's healed. Be a bigger person.

 

The physical side of the A ended, but it was still very much an EA. Not that it really matters.

 

Anyway, once he's healed, hopefully he can totally focus on his wife and making his marriage better.

[ali0112]

Hi folks,

 

 

So, here I am. I've made my peace long ago with the issues surrounding the relationship. I will not dishonor her by revising history in my own mind or in discussions with others. I feel like a strong person, but this is such a heavy weight to bear alone, and I'm just not sure I can do it.

 

 

Gosh, I have to agree with tami-chan here. As stated above, he's made his peace with the issues surrounding the relationship. It may not be the "peace" that some of you agree with, but it's his. He came here asking for support in dealing with his grief, not looking for someone to tell him he should come clean with his wife. That is not the help that he asked for!!

Any person who responds to his original question should help him with what he asked for, and not interject other extraneous info that he didn't ask for.

 

As I've said before, I'm just a longtime lurker here, and have only posted a handful of times. I agree with a whole lot of what Owl says, but sometimes not so much. And this was one of the "not so much" times. The guy asked for help on how to grieve, and did not ask for advice on whether or not to tell his wife of the affair. Believe it or not, I fully believe that marriages can recover, and even thrive, after an affair, even without full disclosure. It is not always the best option, even though some believe it is the ONLY option. That is simply not true. Each individual case is different. So let's give the guy the advice and understandind he came here for, not the advice of what some of us THINK he should do or not do. Isn't this what the OM/OW forum is for??? Yes, in an ideal world it is. But as I've seen in the short time I've been here, that is certainly not the case. It's no wonder that so many OW/OM's are afraid to post here, or leave. It's because of the people that are not here to help them, but to further their own agenda.

[ali0112]

And, as seen above, it will probably be a a very long time before I post here again. Heaven forbid I should ever even tell my own story! Nope, I won't provide fodder for the people who hang out to bash OW/OM's, and yes, that includes Owl, who posts under the guise of helping people, but in the end just wants his own agenda to be heard. And believe me, I hate to say that, as I think I've benefited from his posts in the past. This is not a forum of support for OW or OM's. not at all...Save for wildsoul and jj33, who are sincerely trying to help us, this forum is nothing but a place to bash OW/OM's..Thanks to those who sincerely try to help..Because of the responses that I've seen on here, I will never share my story here. I will be okay, but I feel sorry for the people who find this place and really, really need it, but refuse to tell their stories because of the sanctimonious ****heads who can't keep their opinions to themselves. Thanks so much for "helping".

[pinkpearls]

i am so very sorry for your loss. nothing anyone can say will take away the grief of losing a beloved---such pain can only be assuaged with time. though you grieve in silence, you are not alone. your post has touched many hearts. you are in my thoughts.

[tami-chan]

To Original Poster: Owl is right! It's very selfish of you to continue make a fool out of your wife by continue lying to her while she is being supportive to you during this grieving period. You humuliated your wife and now, you CONTINUE to make a fool out of her. The right thing to do is to tell her the whole truth. You're making excuses and justifications to not owning up to your choices to cheat. Your mistress is nothing but a home-wrecker who took the attention, time, and love of a married man that should only belong to his wife and family, but yet, you focus your time and energy thiking about this mistess instead of your caring and supportive wife. What kind of cheating, lying, deceitful man are you? Are you John Edwards?

 

 

To Tami-Chan: Honestly now, have you had or are you having an affair with a married man?

 

Honestly:rolleyes:, lol..this is not about me...but I understand why you want to focus on me. So you are a "new" poster, huh? ....riiight....:rolleyes:

 

You do not seem to understand that he is not on LS for his adultery and his marriage. Do YOU think you can respect that? Oh...I get it, NO, you cannot respect that because he is a cheat, right? LOL....so there really is no difference between YOU and the cheaters- you choose not to recognize boundaries because you have a purpose to achieve.

 

Whatever your experience was it appears as though it has depleted you any kind of common decency. It does not make you better. It just makes you disrespectful, inappropriate and arrogant. Which, I suspect you will wear with pride since you believe you are within your rights to trash somebody already dead.

[jj33]

Great posts Tami Chan. Its too bad that people cant leave their agendas long enough to be responsive to the question and instead feel the need to make others feel badly.

 

To those who have bashed the OP - you may feel the ONLY issue is what is happening to his poor wife but that is not responsive the question Ranger posted. Nor is it supportive in ANY way to delve into the issues of his marriage - that was not the point of his post.

 

The purpose of this forum is for people who are or were involved in affairs to voice their issues and concerns - not for you to push your agenda regardless of the question posed.

[jwi71]

And, as seen above, it will probably be a a very long time before I post here again. Heaven forbid I should ever even tell my own story! Nope, I won't provide fodder for the people who hang out to bash OW/OM's, and yes, that includes Owl, who posts under the guise of helping people, but in the end just wants his own agenda to be heard. And believe me, I hate to say that, as I think I've benefited from his posts in the past. This is not a forum of support for OW or OM's. not at all...Save for wildsoul and jj33, who are sincerely trying to help us, this forum is nothing but a place to bash OW/OM's..Thanks to those who sincerely try to help..Because of the responses that I've seen on here, I will never share my story here. I will be okay, but I feel sorry for the people who find this place and really, really need it, but refuse to tell their stories because of the sanctimonious ****heads who can't keep their opinions to themselves. Thanks so much for "helping".

 

Then you will forever be relegated to the sidelines.

I wouldn't let the fear of what they might say keep you from posting what you want to say.

 

Sorry to see you leave...good luck

[Windy27]

Honestly:rolleyes:, lol..this is not about me...but I understand why you want to focus on me. So you are a "new" poster, huh? ....riiight....:rolleyes:

 

You do not seem to understand that he is not on LS for his adultery and his marriage. Do YOU think you can respect that? Oh...I get it, NO, you cannot respect that because he is a cheat, right? LOL....so there really is no difference between YOU and the cheaters- you choose not to recognize boundaries because you have a purpose to achieve.

 

Whatever your experience was it appears as though it has depleted you any kind of common decency. It does not make you better. It just makes you disrespectful, inappropriate and arrogant. Which, I suspect you will wear with pride since you believe you are within your rights to trash somebody already dead.

 

So, you consciously and completely avoided my question. I wonder why.

[Tony]

This thread has largely gone off topic and has become very unsupportive of the original poster and his situation. The OP DID NOT COME HERE FOR LECTURES. The OP did not ask if he should tell his wife about his affair with the deceased lady.

 

This entire category has become sickeningly deluged by judgments and lectures by people who fail to read the OP and embrace that person's needs. If we can't get better about being supportive or simply STAYING OUT OF THE THREAD then very soon this entire category should be removed from the forum for lack of quality and people who can participate in a civil fashion.

 

There is no need to keep this thread active, unfortunately, because I have other things I must do on mother's day and can't remain here to five infractions and delete posts which have absolutely nothing to do with the needs of the OP.