Grieving in silence - death of the OW

May 4, 2009

Hi folks,

New to the forum and hoping for some feedback/insight from others that have been where I am now.

I'm 43, married for 16 1/2 years to a woman I dearly love with two amazing daughters. We even have a dog and a successful business. My life is nothing to complain about.

At a different point in my life and under different circumstances I did have an affair with another woman. She was single. It lasted for about 2 1/2 years We lived less than a mile from each other and had two periods of renewed contact after things initially ended. We did have contact as recently as last summer. At that point it was as much as close friends as anything else. No physical intimacy, but our emotional connection was still strong.

She passed away Thursday after a long struggle with some serious medical issues. This has been completely devastating to me. I've lost a good friend, and truth me told, one of the two great loves of my life. I'm feeling all the pain that comes along with a loss of that magnitude. The rub, naturally, is that for the most part I am forced to grieve in silence.

My wife and the rest of my family knew of her, but not of the true nature of our involvement. To the best of their knowledge, I've lost a friend. They're being supportive of course, but they have no idea of how deep this impact really is. I do have some support in the form of the OW's sister, who knew of our relationship and was gracious enough to keep me appraised as her condition worsened. I did get to go to the funeral yesterday. I'm glad I did. Her sister and I have spoken a few times and chatted online. It makes us both feel a bit better to share memories and such.

So, here I am. I've made my peace long ago with the issues surrounding the relationship. I will not dishonor her by revising history in my own mind or in discussions with others. I feel like a strong person, but this is such a heavy weight to bear alone, and I'm just not sure I can do it.

Has anyone else been through this? I'm open to any and all suggestions.

May 4, 2009

No suggestions. Only my condolences. I am sorry for your loss.

May 4, 2009

Hey

This must be such a terrible thing to have to go through, made worse by the fact that you cannot openly grieve for her and that you have to put on a brave face in front of people when it hurts so much inside. My heart goes out to you.

(((hugs)))

May 4, 2009

Well, you have NO choice... You HAVE to make it. Yes you will mourn, but like everybody else that mourns (a mother losing her child), TIME will help ease your pain.

Try not to "dramatize" the fact that you mourn alone due to the nature of your relationship. Try to think of it a different way.

That is really all I have, except, I too am sorry for your pain...

May 4, 2009

rangerNY,

I am sorry for your loss.

Regardless of the circumstances, it is a huge burden of grief to carry alone.

Have you considered grief counseling? Possibly through a funeral home or house of worship, or with a therapist who specializes in loss/death.

If you do need to "explain", it is true that the death of a friend can lead to a questioning or crisis of Faith -- it would not be unheard for you to want some guidance with that.

Sending hugs, comfort and healing.

May 4, 2009

I am sorry for the loss of someone important to you.

May 6, 2009

rangerNY,
I am sorry for your loss.

Regardless of the circumstances, it is a huge burden of grief to carry alone.
Have you considered grief counseling? Possibly through a funeral home or house of worship, or with a therapist who specializes in loss/death.

If you do need to "explain", it is true that the death of a friend can lead to a questioning or crisis of Faith -- it would not be unheard for you to want some guidance with that.

Sending hugs, comfort and healing.

I echo this sentiment. A counsellor would be a great help since you don't feel you can share the true nature of the relationship with others.

My condolences.

May 6, 2009

sorry for your loss....

May 7, 2009

grieving is such a personal process and something that you will work through in your own time and your own way.

be grateful you have her sister to express some of your loss with. that is better than having no one.

even if we share our loss and sadness, it is still our own to experience the way we need to.

May 7, 2009

Ranger, Your post touched me, and made me sad for you. I'm very sorry for your loss. Live on, and honor her as you can.

May 7, 2009

Has anyone else been through this? I'm open to any and all suggestions.

Hi rangerNY,

I am so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine the lonely suffering in this kind of situation. Be grateful that you have her sister. Most of us OPs don't have anyone and would be surely cut off without a trace once the MP dies.

My suggestion would be to call her sister as often as you are able and she is willing in order to properly grieve. Women are so much more open to talking in these situations and you should take advantage of it. All I had was the phone number of a friend of MM's and since I didn't really know him (the friend) I didn't feel I could call him should the time come.

I'm sure she'll be open to it. Give the sister a call.

Hugs,

WF.

May 7, 2009

rangerNY...

first of all, i am truly for the loss of your dear friend...loss is incredibly painful and no words can make it better:(

i have a small suggestion.

years ago, i was in a relationship that i had to end...abruptly...

i loved this man with every fiber of my being:love:

it was the hardest thing i ever had to do...at that time....also, i never really got to say good bye or have some type of closure...

so in a sense IT was a death...i was never to see him again.

so, i had to find a way to grieve, let go and get closure and move on,etc..

we had 'a place' that ONLY we went to, to spend time talking for hours on end, make love, picnic, etc...it was an amazing place to be...a little cove on a beach.

so, i decided one day, i was in so much pain, like i said, i was never allowed to see this man again, it was as tho he was gone....

so started going to 'our place' and i would sit and think and smile at the sunshine on my face and remember ALL those fabulous memories and moments we two shared on that very spot that i was now grieving on...

i cried some days, some days i would laugh and smile and just remember that wonderful love of my life....

after some time, i was able to finally let go...peacefully...i had made a way to grieve by myself, where no one could see my pain, my tears, or even the joy on my face remembering the 'love' we shared on that cove.

one day, i stood up and said good bye and never went back...ever again.

to this day, i am so grateful for that time...as it helped me heal and move on and most of all grieve in peace, i didn't have to hide my feelings while i was at our special place.

so maybe, there is a place you can remember that was special to you both or even to just her...and you can go there and spend time just crying, talking to yourself or just sitting in peace and LETTING yourself grieve and bring your pain to some type of closure?

i found that on my way home after spending time at that 'special place', i was always in a better mood and ready to face what was a head of me...my child, my job, my life....

good luck rangerNY...i hope you can grieve in peace and be able to move on..to a point where when you think of this gal, you will smile and in your heart only YOU will know what an amazing relationship you both had together:love:

May 7, 2009

Thank you guys for the kind, compassionate and thoughtful responses.

By way of an update, as it turns out her sister looks at me as much as a link to "B" as I do her. We've spoken and chatted online every day since Sunday and we're finding comfort in being able to talk about her and share the pain of the loss. I don't feel so alone in my suffering at least, although I have to be careful that I'm not trying to cling to B through her sister.

I also decided to reach out to my old therapist on Monday for advice. She's great, and we had a nice chat on the phone. There was a sense of unburdening when I told her of my relationship, so that helped. She completely understood and supported the fact that I'm dealing with "disenfranchised grief" right now. I'll probably talk to her again a few times over the next month or so as I feel I need it.

I also spoke to a friend of mine last night who wondered why I hadn't called him when she died. All he knows is that I've lost a friend, but I'm considering that he's a close enough friend of mine and that I can trust him enough to be able to confide in him and explain the whole situation. We're going to try to hook up for a beer or something this weekend, so I guess as it turns out I'm not forced into as severe a silence as I thought.

Still, it hurts so deeply. Best I can do is to work through it using all the tools I can find and all the support I can muster, knowing that time has to pass and I just have to experience the loss and the pain before it will subside.

May 7, 2009

so maybe, there is a place you can remember that was special to you both or even to just her...and you can go there and spend time just crying, talking to yourself or just sitting in peace and LETTING yourself grieve and bring your pain to some type of closure?

This was just a great post that I had to respond to it individually. Thank you so much for sharing your story and your insight with me. I really do appreciate it.

I've already been doing what you did to some degree. It just seems a natural thing, I guess.

Right now I'm at the stage (its only been 7 days) where I'm going to our "places" to look for her and wait for her, even though I know she's not coming. I know there's no logic in that, but it feels like a phase I just have to go through in order to truly confront and accept the loss. Last night I wrote this and posted it on her Facebook page:

------

sitting alone

in our old familiar places

knowing you're not there

whispering into the wind

knowing you won't answer

still, I wait.

-----

I'm sure with time this will ease. Actually, I pray that with time this will ease. The hurt is absolutely crushing at times.

Anyway, thanks again for sharing. Reading your post did make me feel a bit better in some way.

May 7, 2009

By way of an update, as it turns out her sister looks at me as much as a link to "B" as I do her. We've spoken and chatted online every day since Sunday and we're finding comfort in being able to talk about her and share the pain of the loss. I don't feel so alone in my suffering at least, although I have to be careful that I'm not trying to cling to B through her sister.

I also decided to reach out to my old therapist on Monday for advice. She's great, and we had a nice chat on the phone. There was a sense of unburdening when I told her of my relationship, so that helped. She completely understood and supported the fact that I'm dealing with "disenfranchised grief" right now. I'll probably talk to her again a few times over the next month or so as I feel I need it.

First, I'd seriously suggest that you back off on your conversations with OW's sister...getting into these deeply personal and emotional conversations with another woman is likely what LED to your having an affair with OW to begin with.

You risk repeating that mistake if you continue to communicate with women other than your wife in this manner.

I'd imagine that your therapist is a good place to have this discussion.

Last thought...have you ever considered telling your wife the truth about your affair with OW? While I don't know that she'd be all that "understanding" about your grief at this woman's loss, this may well be the time to set things right in your own marriage.

May 7, 2009

First, I'd seriously suggest that you back off on your conversations with OW's sister...getting into these deeply personal and emotional conversations with another woman is likely what LED to your having an affair with OW to begin with.

I appreciate the advice, but the only chance of that happening would be me erroneously transferring my feelings for the OW to her sister. I have almost nothing in common with her, feel no attraction to her, and I honestly have zero desire to repeat the same type of relationship after I've come to grips with it at this point in my life. The odds are slim to none on this, thankfully. I'm assuming that as time goes on over the next month or two, our contact will diminish and sadly I'll likely lose all touch with any links to my lost love. That's just the way it works. Its really sad for me to think about it, but I can accept that.

Last thought...have you ever considered telling your wife the truth about your affair with OW? While I don't know that she'd be all that "understanding" about your grief at this woman's loss, this may well be the time to set things right in your own marriage.

Well, that's the $64,000 question all the time in the case of extramarital relationships, right? I don't know if I'll ever go down that road, but who knows what the future holds. I do feel strongly that coming clean now would be even more hurtful to my wife. She's supportive of me in every facet of my life but I'd consider that taking advantage, almost to the point of being abusive about it. Different issue for a different time, at least in my eyes.

Thanks for the feedback though. I appreciate all of it.

May 7, 2009

Well, that's the $64,000 question all the time in the case of extramarital relationships, right? I don't know if I'll ever go down that road, but who knows what the future holds. I do feel strongly that coming clean now would be even more hurtful to my wife. She's supportive of me in every facet of my life but I'd consider that taking advantage, almost to the point of being abusive about it. Different issue for a different time, at least in my eyes.

Thanks for the feedback though. I appreciate all of it.

There will NEVER be a "good time" to tell your wife the truth on this...it doesn't matter if you wait 20 years, she'll be just as devestated as if the affair had just ended.

With that said...given how supportive and loving she apparently is...does she not deserve the truth? Does she not deserve the chance to know the reality of what has occurred in her marriage, and the opportunity to decide what she wants out of the relationship, given the full information?

Be honest with yourself here...is the decision to withold the truth from her really based in "what's best for her"...or is it based in "what's best for you"?

May 7, 2009

Great subject to discuss with a therapist *after* the grieving period is over, IMO

May 7, 2009

You are/were, obviously, lacking something in the marriage if you strayed. Not sure if you should or should not tell your wife the truth; however, you should consider doing some counseling on your own and then some marriage counseling. Maybe you can fix what is lacking in the relationship without having to ruin the marriage completely.

A marriage is never the same once you air the dirty laundry. This is a very serious thing that should be thought about thoroughly.

Sorry for your loss, and I pray for the peace and closure you are seeking...

May 7, 2009

You are/were, obviously, lacking something in the marriage if you strayed. Not sure if you should or should not tell your wife the truth; however, you should consider doing some counseling on your own and then some marriage counseling. Maybe you can fix what is lacking in the relationship without having to ruin the marriage completely.

Something was lacking...agreed. Whether it was something within his marriage, or something within himself...that is something that counseling can help him identify and work through.

A marriage is never the same once you air the dirty laundry. This is a very serious thing that should be thought about thoroughly.

Not exactly true. A marriage can never be the same after you cheat...airing the dirty laundry isn't the source of the problem...dirtying the sheets in the first place is the source of the problem. Telling your betrayed spouse the truth and working towards repairing the damage is the first step in fixing the problem. Don't confuse the two.

Sorry for your loss, and I pray for the peace and closure you are seeking...

I second this as well.

May 7, 2009

rangerNY...

thank you for replying to my post....that was very thoughtful of you.

i am so glad that i could post my story and in hopes of it bringing even just a tiny bit of relief to your pain...

the pain you are feeling is ...well, there are no words...

it does sound like you are getting in touch with your feelings and also reaching out to other people who care for you...and her:)

this is very healthy...

there is nothing any of us can say to make this pain go away...but we sure hope we can help just a bit and sincerely..truly, hope you can once again smile in her memory...

take care...

May 7, 2009

owl...i love your posts and opinions...but i have to say with this particular one...

maybe we should just let this man grieve ONE woman at a time...and deal with ONE issue at a time...death or any loss is so devastating...right, i mean that is why we are all here...divorce, being cheated on, etc....they are all devastating...

bUT this case, all tho i am firmly against infidelity..this man is hurting and needs to just get thru THIS before he can make THAT decision...to tell his W what happened with the OW...i think as humans, we can only take on one loss at a time...or should not have to take on anymore anyway...right?.

thanks for understanding i am not stirring up s***....just wish this man some peace and to be able to move on ..first:)

May 7, 2009

Owl, I thought about that too, yet knowing how difficult a time rangerNY is going through I'm sure he does not want to go through this kind of grief again.

Just like so many OWs say NEVER AGAIN for the same reason. It is just too painful.

May 7, 2009

I thinkk your wife deserves to know. Aside from this thing festering, doesn't she have the right to protect her health. The old STD issue rears its head.

May 7, 2009

owl...i love your posts and opinions...but i have to say with this particular one...
maybe we should just let this man grieve ONE woman at a time...and deal with ONE issue at a time...death or any loss is so devastating...right, i mean that is why we are all here...divorce, being cheated on, etc....they are all devastating...
bUT this case, all tho i am firmly against infidelity..this man is hurting and needs to just get thru THIS before he can make THAT decision...to tell his W what happened with the OW...i think as humans, we can only take on one loss at a time...or should not have to take on anymore anyway...right?.
thanks for understanding i am not stirring up s***....just wish this man some peace and to be able to move on ..first:)

While I agree with the spirit of the sentiment expressed, life doesn't always give us options of how much grief we get to have.

I am not expressing an opinion on whether he should tell or not, just a consideration. Suppose during a particularly bad and hard time in his W's life, his affair with his now deceased OW slips out. That too would be tragic.

I don't think now is a good time to tell, though. We say some of the harshest things to our loved ones when we are grieving. Maybe he should wait until he is much stronger and in better control of his emotions.

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Grieving in silence - death of the OW

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